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Ever wunce in a wile there come a movee so daggum awful it make yew ponder, ‘I wunner... more »
Published January 03, 2013 79 views More Info »
Hey!
It's been a while since your gal Loretta
done a How I Seize It
centered on one of them big ole
blockbuster Hollywood movies, but ironicles...
I accidentally took in a show last night-
Which was basically a piece of
plageuristical crap,
but I'll get to that in a min.
First, I got to set the stage
to tell y'all how I got in this particular situation.
Top Secret!
I heard Absolut was makin' new a licorice liquo
for a limits time only,
so I go on down there to the Sak-N-Sudz
to camp out for it and when I get there,
they is a line clean around the whole box!
Blocks!
Now I did get suspicious when I found out
there was mostly youngins in the line,
but I just thought maybe they
lowered the drinkin' age
or maybe everybody on that hot new botox trend.
Well the line finally stop movin'
so I followed all them people
into this big old room.
Everybody mumblin' bout some Hungry Games...
And I concluded to myself,
"Loretta! Shucky-Dern!
I do believe you done snuck into the movies!"
I wasn't even tryin'.
I don't know how in the hell I end up there,
but I did, so anyways.
On with the story...
So the dude next to me laugh
and he say, "Yeah, me too.
My girlfriend work here."
And I put two and two is four togethe
and I deduce that this dude's bitch
is the same whore that got me
banned out of here in the first place!
So I look at my watch and I'm thinkin'
Well, I got time for a revenge fuck
in case this movie suck...
And it did.
How come every damn movie out there
gotta be based on a book,
or update of a classic,
or loosely based on the news
or some Shakespeare shit
or some upteenth sequel.
This movie got that goddamn
'We Are The World' song stuck in my head again.
Took the better part of 8197
to get that shit out of my head the last time.
(dog whining)
Shut up, Buffy!
(singing)
We are the world.
We are the children.
Hold hands and swing back and forth.
Shut up, Buffy!
I'm gonna enter that damn dog in the Hunger Games.
Bitch eat me out of house and home.
Hell, I don't even eat
and my grocery bill is like $45 a week
on damn big ass dog food.
Unless it's little that week.
I like it better when it eats little dog food.
Sometimes Buffy-
Hey Nuckle Nocks to them out there
whose my long time drinkin' buddies.
They know that my d og switches up.
Like one day it'll be a little dog.
(burps)
And then the next day,
it's like a big ole lab or somethin',
but it's the same one.
Like magical,
like that unicorn I used to want
when I was a little girl.
Now to sum up this plot-synopsis-wise,
we're in the future
and these kids gets selected by a lottery ticket
and fight to the death.
Now that might be all good and wonderful
and butterflies shootin' out your ass in theory,
cause I hates youngins, but uhhh-
This particular plot,
it ain't exactly what we in the
business of show call original.
Ain't you got no originals out there?
I know there's good writers out there
gettin' overlooked!
Y'all it ain't even realistics.
I mean, I'm sorry-
Hey!
I'm all for one for all and all for one
but the only one I wanna look out for
is all of THIS one.
Sorry bout your luck, sister Primorose,
but you're gonna have to learn
how to duck and cover.
Hell, I ain't your goddamn tribute.
So it's about halfway through
and I'm gettin' soberer by the minute,
so I hollered at one of those women
over there in them waitress uniforms and said,
"Hey! Bring me my licorice liquor!
Break out the good stuff!"
Well here come that two-ton heifer ove
in her too tight uniform hollerin at me,
"Get my man's dick out of your mouth!"
Well, I look up at her like,
eyeroll.
And her man, he be actin' all like
he didn't even know he was gettin' him
this friendly neighborhood blowjob.
And now they wantin' to charge me
with rape charges.
Like he wasn't givin' me plenty of invite signs.
'Course now, he mighta just been
scratchin' his balls, I don't know.
I tend to act on instinct and adrenaline.
Even though the specifics is still kinda fuzzled,
I do tend to believe me.
Now I learnt from my Harry Potter outing
that you just can't go beat somebody up
just caust they Shhhh! you at the movies.
I had to act fast!
So I just dropped trow,
pinched one off
and tossed a turd at her face
like a crazy monkey.
Just in case this rigmarole go to trial
and I have use that de-evolution defense.
People, you can't predict the future.
This shit ain't never gonna happen.
They got laws against this shit.
Folks makin' shit up and lyin' about history in they movie.
Like suddenly we supposed to believe
that Ol' Abe Lincoln figured out that
slaveries was bad by goin' out huntin' vampers.
Goddamn vampers!
Somebody need to make a good vamper movie.
I swear, between another Twilight installment
and that Dark Shadows abomination
Y'all gonna find me off a ledge somewhere.
I don't trust no movie that don't explain
why the world suddenly all fucked up
and post-apocalyptical.
(laughs)
I'm just supposed to believe that shit?
Unless this is a direct result of the cance
that is reality TV in which case
you best believe your hairy ass
this shit could happen,
you don't even know!
I'd be surprised if this movie
make more than a couple mil.
Camera work all jumpy and schloopy
and jumpin' into trees-
I had to snatch somebody thing of popcorn
to keep from pukin' in the floors.
Somebody call me up and tell me what happened
at the ends of the movies cause
I got kicked out for the aforementioned reasons.
And...
Ahem!
Earth to Hollywood!
Quit makin' shit for teeny-bitches!
They ain't got no money or taste to speak of!
And that's How I Seize It.
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