How I Seize It #82: "Taylor Swift"

Uploader

How I Seize It

Old embed code (only works with browsers that support Adobe Flash)

Hey!
(News Broadcast jingle)
This here's Loretta Jenkins
with a special How I Seize It news bulletin.
Taylor Swift fuckin' sucks.
Now, I thought I had done climbed off
my soap opera box regardin'
music industry business for a while.
But it seems I didn't have
the lastin' impact I thought I would
when I gived my thoughts on that Justin Beeper!
If them high and mighty music execs
had got the memo,
Ms. Taylor wouldn't even be on the airwaves,
I can tell you that much.
(burps)
Y'all member when you used to
have to be a good singe
to land a record deal?
Well them days is over, I reckon.
Lady Gaga might be a
freaky-deaky meat dress-wearin'
hot mess of a thing,
but at least the bitch
can carry two tunes in a bucket!
Oooh!
Y'all knowed who be a good singer?
My home-bitch Nikki Williams.
She used to be my roommate.
Look right down here.
See this link here?
It says Nikki Williams VEVO?
She a good singer.
She got that song called "Kill, Fuck, Marry."
I done only two out of the three
and I don't plan on ever doin' the third one,
but anyway,
her song is good.
She sing like a MOFO man.
Go down there and listen to her song.
She like Kelly Clarkson
meets up with Christina Aguilera
meets up with Avril Lavigne
and some Pink
and if Katy Perry could sing, some of her,
but she can't-
So NOT her.
Shoutout for Nikki!
Nuckle Nocks there, girl.
I love ya, bitch!
I got lots of dirt on you, you know,
so you best hock my shit, too!
Do y'all know what I blame all this on?
All them reality show
American Idol Voice Duets Gots Talents
givin' our youngins false hopes
to go on and chase they dreams
instead of doin' something sensible
and keepin' the bankin' and housin' markets stable.
I think I am the onliest one
that pays attention to the shit
that goes on in this world.
I mean really!
First off,
this bitch can only sing like three notes!
And that is on a good day.
They gotta use more Autotune
in the studios fixin' up her vocals
than they do on motherfuckin' Cher's voice
and that is a generous amount.
I mean fucksakes,
Cher's been legally dead for the last five years.
She run into a tree.
And her daughter-
Son-
Chasily.
Chaz.
He...? She...?
He...? She...?
Yeah!
And don't Taylor look like a
teenage mutant chipmunk hooke
for the most part?
Her head like THIS big around,
but all her facial features
are like really miniature?
Like Renee Zellwegger.
She all midget-faced.
Ewww!
Just, ewww!
She just like- Like...
Ew!
I can't even stand to look at her.
I wish I had a picture of her to set on fire
like I did to Lindsay Lohan.
Oooh!
I'm gonna make me a Taylor Swift voodoo doll.
I'm gonna stick pins in it.
It might be a fatty Taylor Swift.
I can't sew too good.
Like probably after she have a youngin'
or somethin' she gonna get the fat ass anyways.
How much money this bitch got
and she still dress like an off-brand Barbie doll.
She need a makeover stat!
Probably she ain't got enough homosexual friends.
I mean, that's what I figure.
Faggots will tell you to your face
when you look ratchet.
Goddamn, I hate bangs.
I tell you what.
One of my former renters used to
let his youngins blare out that Taylor Smiff music
and I set off a homemade EMP, and well...
His kids all deaf now.
But I got the City Commissione
to blame all that on the power plant run-off.
No politician can turn down a favo
when I turn this magic pussy on.
(Cat call.)
I think the world ought to know
how a no-talent fucktard like this get famous.
No, I really need to know,
cause I need to get more famous,
so I can stop promisin' blowjobs in exchange
for YouTube subscriptions.
I tell you how.
Cause her daddy got money!
Hey, y'all ever see a trucker roll by-
(mimics HORN)
-and it got Swift wrote on the back of it?
That's them.
That's that Swift cult.
They probably goddamn Mormon.
How come Mormons is all successful?
Now what does a family
that already got that kind of money and powe
gettin' they dirty Mitt Romneys
into the music biz?
They need to get Obama in there
and spread that wealth around.
Create some job-ortunities!
I bet Ol' Man Swiffe
be 'sponsible for them new-fangled mops
what don't need no water.
I don't know,
I ain't no goddamn cleaning lady!
(laughs)

What's so funny?
(mumbles)
You know Taylor Swift music is boring.
Unless maybe you wanna go to sleep.
(laughs)
Or permanently go to sleep.
You know who I bets likes her music?
Cutters.
Them folks that's like always squallin'
"Don't nobody love me!"
And they cut theyself
cause they can't feel nothin' else,
so it's like-
AHHHH!
That hurt.
(chuckles)
Do us a favor.
Cut this way!
(laughs)
Awww, that's sad.
Taylor, hey gal!
Write you a three-toned song about that!
(sings)
"I cut myself..."
"You broke up with me..."
I hope that someday she suffer some personal tragedy
so she can write a song that's got actual depth.
Take a note from Adele.
Just don't eat the same thing she does.
Cause, you skinny.
We square on that.
You just can't fuckin' sing.
Everything she bellyache on
gotta be about a goddamn break-up.
Well boo hoo, princess!
Men suck!
That ain't revelational!
If I ever get cancer,
I'm gonna name my tumor Taylor Swift.
And I don't like that Josh Grobin neither.
Sumbitch sound like he singin'
up in a church choir with like-
like he got like a testicle
tuck up under his leg.
Your dude ever ask you to pull on his balls
and like when you drunk or somethin'
and you accidentally kinda like jerk too hard
and he's like-
ARRRRR!!!
That's that Josh Grobin, man.
Him and Taylor Swift
ought to do a sing-songy duet together.
(sings)
"You life me up!"
"When I'm cuttin' on myself."
See they'd be perfect to each other.
I wish I lived in a parallel timeline,
where Taylor Dayne is my
good for nothin' Cinderalla step-youngin'
Always bellyachin'
"Oooh, somebody take me to the prom" o
"Give me something besides rat turds to eat!"
And I enlist me the help
of a crooked fairy godmomma
and then shrink her down
like old Alice In Wonderland
'til she like a pumpkin.
And we go on Punkin' Chunkin'
and I mash her into a thousand
kibbles and bits and save the music industry.
And then all our ears can listen
happily ever after.
And that's How I Seize It.
Yep.