LORETTA: And then that hungin' put-
SHUT UP, MONA! MARGIE!
I got this!
I'm really fucked up today, y'all.
This time of the year, it always
makes my emotions all superfied.
Naw bitch, you ain't gettin' no tears
out of me this year.
Y'all just- Sorry...
Just lemme recompose-
Lemme compress, y'all...
I'm Loretta Jenkins
and this How I Seize It
is on my least favoritest day of the year.
Goddamn Mother's Day!
A.K.A. 'Bitch Whore Day.'
Hey, I need to sidetrack a bit
while my Xanaxes work they magic.
I got the green ones.
Hey, I'm sorry for this pity party, y'all,
Well, May be kind of a dark month for me.
I don't know if I'm comin' or goin'
like a lion or a lamb.
Hey when they say you can't drink on these pills,
that's just a suggestion, right?
Least that's what Momma used to say-
Shut up, Mona! Goddamn-
I don't wanna talk about her.
They is actual history on this damn holiday.
Some Ann Jarvit woman, her momma die
and then she sad about it
for like damn 20 years.
And I guess Congress got tired of her boo-hooin',
and they set aside every second Sunday in May
just to shut that heifer's ass up.
And then Hallmark go ahead and make everybody
buy their cards and candy and flowers.
A.K.A. 'tree-killin', 'fatty-makin',
'smelly plants that die anyway' crapola.
So we got THIS bitch to thank
for our over-commercialization problems.
Thanks a lot, asshole!
I gotta be especially shnockered on Mother's Day.
Yeah, I reckon you can tell
I had an estranged relationship
with that bitch who bored me.
Momma was a mean drunk and a whore.
I'm glad I ain't end up nothin' like her!
What is she to celebrate, huh?
What she ever done for me
except NOT wire-hang me into an early grave?
And that's cause she was on her way to
Planned Parenthood and a fruit truck runned her ove
and put her in a coma during most
of my aborable period.
It's a damn miracle I'm even alive.
I think that was God's plan to bring me to y'all.
And that's why I gotta be honest with y'all
about some shit I just found out.
After my cousin did time for that identity theft,
I paid for one of them online credit checkers
on a count I don't trust that sumbitch.
And then, I got a hit on Momma's SS number!
Which only I'm allowed to abuse, right?
Turns out that heifer ain't dead after all!
As it turns out, I just took some peyote
and paid this hypnotist to convince me that she was.
That's how much I hate that fuckin' bitch.
That was a lot of wishful thinkin' for nothin'.
Hey, shortened story is I joined a commune
up in the Yukon Territory
and then followed Huey Lewis & The News
on the Canadian leg of some tou
and I woke up in Little Rock knocked up
and lost my baby 'Puddin' behind that liquor store.
Have I mentioned that before?
And then I inherited this trailer park
and I just been roamin' the county
liquored-up lookin' for he
and her baby daddy, cause...
I fuck a lot of dudes...
I tried to kill myself on that night.
But I am so glad I didn't
cause not I got y'all.
That happened on Mother's Day.
And I don't usually tell folks that.
But that's a secret
on a count I can't let lookin' for some lost youngin
ruin my street cred!
Fuck, how many years ago was that?
I don't know, it was the 80s.
Hell, we didn't even have names
for the drugs we was on then.
So today, we gonna hack into my momma's life
and get some goddamn answers on why she left me.
Shit, I'm just gonna cold call
video chat roulette this whore.
See what she think about that!
Been talkin' myself into that she's been dead
all this time cause she so goddamn mean.
I gotta have a handle.
(internet sign-on sound)
There that whore is!
Aww, get you some clothes on whore!
LOCOMAMA: Loretta! I thought youse dead!
LORETTA: Yeah, well I brainwashed myself
Into believin' you was dead so I win.
You still with my boyfriend, Billy?
LOCOMAMA: Your step-daddy's dead.
LOCOMAMA: Prostate cancer.
LORETTA: Dubba Sweet!
LOCOMAMA: Insensitive bitch.
So where you been holed up?
Prison, I reckon...
LORETTA: Twat, I cunt hear you! Lean in!
Oh God Momma, what happened to your face?
LOCOMAMA: Like lookin' in a mirror, ain't it?
LORETTA: Yeah, a goddamn funhouse mirror!
LOCOMAMA: What the hell you want? Hurry it up.
I got a masturbation date with a Brazilian
in a couple of menudos.
LORETTA: I want you to explain to me
how you could run off and leave a youngin'
and not never come back?
LOCOMAMA: Well Loretta,
this might come as kind of a shock to you,
but I never really liked you all that much.
I don't want you to take it personal,
but I had real big dreams
and you was just gettin' in my way.
I wanted to be famous
and no one ever got famous
luggin' some stoop kid around.
When it didn't work out
in the adult entertainment industry,
I heard about the internet.
And that's why I took off,
cause we didn't have no internets
back where we was.
And now, I am a famous YouTube celebrity!
LORETTA: You fuckin' bitch!
That's what I'm doin'!
Bask in me!!!!
LOCOMAMA: Blah, blah, blah...
Still blamin' everybody else for all your problems,
just like you used to.
What do you wanna hear?
I'm sorry I up and left,
but it was the 70s.
They didn't even have names
for some of the drugs I was takin' back then!
LORETTA: I was just sayin' that, Momma!
LOCOMAMA: Aww, let's make up. Give Momma sugars!
LORETTA: You get the hell away from me.
You ain't earned the right to touch me!
LOCOMAMA: Loretta Jean, pick me up off this goddamn floor!
Ooooh, who bought you them titties?
LORETTA: My FWB Tank for my 50- 40- 30th birthday.
LOCOMAMA: Well, they're hideous!
And why you so angry with me?
I left you with your Papaw!
LORETTA: That was the goddamn building super!
He sold me into white sex slavery!
What the hell did you think he was gonna do?
You go out to get his heart meds
and don't never come back?
He had a heart attack!
I was only four years old.
I had to hole up in that
before nobody found me!
LOCOMAMA: Oh Jesus,
You was 14.
Same age I was when you slithered out of me.
And what happened to all them
other grandparents we had up in that bed?
Where'd they go?
LORETTA: Huh? What? They who?
LOCOMAMA: What? Huh?
LORETTA: Oh goddamn.
That was the goddamn Willy Wonka family!
LOCOMAMA: Was it?
LORETTA: I think I'd remember.
It was the only goddamn movie
we had in the house except for porn!
LOCOMAMA: Is that your set? (laughs)
Where do you live?
Do you live in a trailer park?
You see how mean she is!
LOCOMAMA: Look, I think you know why I left,
you're just not ready to admit
the REAL reason why you know I had to leave.
LORETTA: That supposed to scare me?
You just hang up then, bitch!
LOCOMAMA: Oh I will. Just one last thing.
Hey y'all out there!
Come over and check out Zipster08's YouTube Channel
if you wanna see some real talent.
And then you can find out How I Seize It!
LORETTA: How you hear my catchphrase?!?
LOCOMAMA: Y'all DB's, you call 'em?
Come over and check out my channel
and I'll tell you Loretta's real age!
LORETTA: You bitch!
I'm gonna kill you!
LOCOMAMA: Oh, and this came for you.
Some private dick found your baby.
Somebody say dick?
How you know about that?
LOCOMAMA: Think on it.
You'll remember what I'm talkin' about!
LORETTA: No, no, no, no, no!!!
No! Don't burn my baby birth certificate!
It ain't no fair!
I don't remember shit!
LOCOMAMA: See ya later, doll!
And you ain't seen the last of me!
LORETTA: No, it ain't fair...
Tell me where my baby is!
Where my Puddin'...
LORETTA: Y'all know what?
Mommas is just what they squeeze us out of.
They just CUNTS!
I hate you!
And that's How I Seize It.
Why you so critical...