Beautiful house wives are perfect. Inside and out. Written by Molly Schreiber... more »

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April 21, 2016


Sheila Carrasco: Oh, Stacy, it's been forever.
Molly Schreiber: You look in credible.
Sheila Carrasco: Thanks Beth.
Sheila Carrasco: I got new tits.
Molly Schreiber: (Gasps) I'm jealous.
Molly Schreiber: You and your perfect life.
Sheila Carrasco: Oh please, you and
James are perfect.
Sheila Carrasco: We should get
together soon.
Molly Schreiber: Absolutely.
Molly Schreiber: How about Friday?
Sheila Carrasco: Oh, I would, but Frank
is out of town.
Molly Schreiber: Aspen?
Sheila Carrasco: Yeah. Again.
Molly Schreiber: Yeah. James is in
New York, again.
Sheila Carrasco: It's like he's barely
even there.
Molly Schreiber: I know, like, are you my
husband, or you just some
Molly Schreiber: stranger that sometimes
breaks in my house, and
Molly Schreiber: gently screws me
while I'm asleep.
Sheila Carrasco: Yeah. I know.
- Right?
- I know. Yeah.
Sheila Carrasco: When he isn't home
it's like he's blind.
Sheila Carrasco: You know, I once went a
week without showering.
Sheila Carrasco: I looked like a garbage can,
and he didn't even notice.
Molly Schreiber: I once did a hunger strike.
I didn't eat for
Molly Schreiber: six days, and he just
kept mopping up my plate.
Sheila Carrasco: Wow. I had an affair with
a woman, in our bed, while he
Sheila Carrasco: was downstairs.
I orgasmed as loudly as I could,
Sheila Carrasco: and he just thought I
was doing pilates.
Sheila Carrasco: Like, he doesn't even
know what pilates is.
Molly Schreiber: I started a whole
alternate family in La Jolla.
Molly Schreiber: I have a husband.
I adopted a child...
Sheila Carrasco: Eww.
Sheila Carrasco: Nice to sleep with
someone new.
Molly Schreiber: It's refreshing.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Sheila Carrasco: I sent our children away to
boarding school without telling him.
Sheila Carrasco: It's been eight weeks, and
he hasn't even noticed.
Molly Schreiber: I planned my own suicide.
Molly Schreiber: I left a trail of blood up the
stairs and a bunch of
Molly Schreiber: pills on the landing
and a note saying,
Molly Schreiber: "I'm currently killing
myself upstairs."
Sheila Carrasco: Nada?
Molly Schreiber: He took the note, and he
put it in the mailbox
Molly Schreiber: like it was the
outgoing mail.
Sheila Carrasco: Wow.
Sheila Carrasco: Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.
Molly Schreiber: And I actually went
through with it.
Molly Schreiber: I actually tried to
commit suicide, but it
Molly Schreiber: turns out it was a
bunch of baby aspirin.
Sheila Carrasco: Whoops.
Molly Schreiber: Yeah, I just woke up
with less back pain.
Sheila Carrasco: I tried murdering Frank.
Molly Schreiber: Oh.
Sheila Carrasco: I strangled him until he passed
out, but when he woke up
Sheila Carrasco: he just said,
"Wow babe. That was hot."
- They are reaches.
- Those fucking assholes.
Molly Schreiber: Like, why don't we
just leave them?
Sheila Carrasco: Why don't we?
Molly Schreiber: I don't know. I want to.
I so want to.
Sheila Carrasco: But...
Molly Schreiber and Sheila Carrasco: Money!
Molly Schreiber: What?
Molly Schreiber: I know a hitman.
Molly Schreiber: He can make it look natural.
Sheila Carrasco: Oh, insurance money. Oh can we please try that?
Molly Schreiber: Yes! Oh my goodness.
Molly Schreiber: I am so over
driving to La Jolla.
Sheila Carrasco: Yeah. Gross.
Molly Schreiber: Super gross. Oh my God.
Molly Schreiber: Why didn't I think of
that hitman earlier? Honestly.
Molly Schreiber: He's my cousin.