"Sadly, he was unable to drive to the penises out of the altar boys. White... more »

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Everyone enjoy Saint Patrick’s Day? The Richmond police used a choke hold on a party goer at Shamrock the Block. I thought they crossed the line when they tasered that leprechaun. Guinness says its ale is brewed in Dublin, which means it tastes like willful ignorance, ancient hatreds and priest penis. Saint Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. Sadly, he was unable to drive the priests out of the altar boy’s anuses. A puff of white smoke at the Vatican was the signal the cardinals selected a new pope - or they’re burning evidence. The new pope is against abortion, birth control, women in the priesthood and gay marriage. He’s a great choice to lead the Catholic Church into the nineteenth century.

Easter’s coming up. A lot of people don’t know this but the resurrection of Jesus was the first ShamWow. The only thing to return from the dead since was Arrested Development. Judas sold Jesus out for thirty pieces of silver. A little known fact: Judas also got a partridge in a pear tree, an iPhone and a condo in Galilee. Judas didn’t realize Jesus gets angry when he’s crossed. They nailed Jesus to a cross, put a crown of thorns on his head and mocked him. Jesus said, “Hey, it could be worse. I could be Louie Anderson on Splash.”

The Easter Bunny may be late for work. He’s been out chasing tail. Every year, the White House has an Easter Egg roll on the lawn. This year, they won’t hide the Easter eggs - they’ll sequester them. This year, Sarah Palin won’t hunt for eggs. She’ll search for her political career. Hillary Clinton now supports gay marriage. She says gays should also have the right to love, honor and cheat on their significant others.

Donald Trump says we should let more Europeans into the country. I don’t know. The first time, it didn’t work out that great for the Vikings. The last time we tried it, we got genocide, slavery and the Civil War. This raises an interesting question: how does Donald Trump get his hair to fit into a pointed hat? Gun violence is a cultural problem, not just a matter of passing laws. When you can buy a blender called the NutriBullet at a store called Target, we’ve got a bigger problem than faulty background checks. Want to lose weight quickly? Blow your head off. Tenth anniversary of the Iraq War - a huge waste - not because it cost $2 trillion, over a hundred thousand Iraqi deaths and 37,000 U.S. troops killed or injured - we didn’t get any good movies. The Vietnam War produced Full Metal Jacket, Platoon and Apocalypse Now. After the Iraq War, we got Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. At least with Vietnam, we got some great restaurants.

If Polynesians call cannibalism eating long pig, is eating Verne Troyer short pig? Throw another shrimp on the barbie. Last week was Steak and Blow Job Day, which is confusing for vampires.