Jonathan loves three things: Elizabeth Warren, LeBron James, and 'Game of Thrones.'

Full Credits

Starring - Jonathan Van Ness
Featuring - Matt Braunger
Director - Erin Gibson
Producers - Matt Mazany and Ross Buran
Writers - Erin Gibson, Mark Rennie, Gilli Nissim, Matt Mazany
Lead Editor - Joan Ford
Editor and Graphics - Kat Palardy
Director of Photography - Jenn Cohen
Production Designer - Flower Cole
Gaffer - Zach Zeidman
Make Up and Hair - Brenna Haukedahl
Sound Mixer - Ryan Kaiser

Transcript

Jonathan Van Ness: Holy Beyoncé, Matt did you watch
Game of Thrones this week?
Matt Braunger: Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah.
[chuckles] Yeah.
[theme music]
So at the beginning, Marin County
was completely under attack by
Jerry Lee Lewis' Great Balls Of Fire.
["Great Balls Of Fire" by Jerry Lee Lewis plays]
Matt Braunger: Matt: Then Culture Club minus
Boy George did not read the
Matt Braunger: event details of Christina's Evite.
We're here to discuss your surrender, not mine.
Matt Braunger: I was really hoping this was
the episode where Ramsay would just
Matt Braunger: kinda turn it around and
just stop being a dick.
My dogs are desperate to meet you.
I wonder which parts they'll try first.
Matt Braunger: Nope. Still a dick.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: And apparently honey, Sansa Fierce
changed her name to Miss PG Tips,
because she was serving all that tea.
You're going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton.
Sleep well.
Matt Braunger: Matt: So then later Sansa
walks in late to the war room.
Matt Braunger: Jon Snow's like,
"I don't know what you want me to do here.
Matt Braunger: I already painted X's on all of the rocks."
Jonathan Van Ness: But then Sansa decides to put an exclamation
on that exit with her fierce, new emo pop album.
No one can protect me.
No one can protect anyone.
♪ ♪
Matt Braunger: Matt: Right. And that witch known as
90 Years Young can fire
Matt Braunger: out a demon baby whenever she wants.
We've forgotten about that?
Matt Braunger: Why don't you fire out a little
demon baby army to help fight?
Matt Braunger: And what happened to that
little demon baby she had?
Jonathan Van Ness: What is it that you miss about the demon baby?
Matt Braunger: I miss it's entrance.
It's like Cher's third act.
Jonathan Van Ness: Ugh. Fuck. Love Cher.
Matt Braunger: Matt: On his walkabout, Hooked on Phonics
finds out that Galápagos is GalápaToast.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: And then Christina Aguilera
and Lena Dunham are giving us
full Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren
slash fiction realness.
I never demand,
but I'm up for anything really.
Matt Braunger: Yeah. And I don't know lesbian code,
but that handshake was for sure lesbian code.
Matt Braunger: Matt: I have to be honest with you,
Matt Braunger: I really thought this was
a scene where Evil Elijah Wood
Matt Braunger: would finally hand out gifts
to homeless kids on Christmas.
Matt Braunger: Then he goes full Jigsaw on me.
[Male #1]: Let's play a game.
[Jigsaw theme music plays]
Matt Braunger: Matt: You gotta cut left, cut right.
Jonathan Van Ness: I mean even a gay guy like me
knows that you gotta do a little
Jonathan Van Ness: Rick Hawn, Steph Curry pump fake.
Matt Braunger: Exactly.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: Let me tell you one thing.
Jonathan Van Ness: That Jon Snow, he knows how to
keep that man bun on time honey.
[ding]
[ding]
[ding]
[ding]
Jonathan Van Ness: And just when I thought that
man bun was man done,
Jonathan Van Ness: Earl Grey comes galloping out of
the corner just like Aretha Franklin in...
Jonathan Van Ness: ♪ I knew you were waiting for me ♪
♪ When the river was deep I didn't falter ♪
♪ When the valley was low
it didn't stop me, no no ♪
♪ I knew you were waiting ♪
Jonathan Van Ness: ♪ I knew you were waiting ♪
Matt Braunger: ♪ Knew you were waiting ♪
[together]
♪ For me ♪
Matt Braunger: It was a hit when
I was in junior high.
Matt Braunger: Matt: And even after all this
I thought maybe this is the time
Matt Braunger: where Evil Elijah Wood does something nice,
like organize an NPR fund drive. Something.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: No, but instead he just decided
to give Human Snuffleupagus the rudest,
Jonathan Van Ness: most aggressive
acupuncture treatment of all time.
Matt Braunger: Matt. Ow! Poor biggins.
Matt Braunger: And Jon Snow shows
he's a great big brother,
Matt Braunger: because he saved the last slice of
Evil Elijah Wood pizza for his sis.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: And then in the most
clutch girl power moment ever,
Jonathan Van Ness: Sansa Fierce unveils her new
Evil Elijah Wood flavored Beggin' Strips girl.
[sniffing] Beggin'! Beggin'!
Where's the bacon? I smell bacon!
Oh boy, oh boy...
Num-num-num-num...
It's bacon!
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: Episode 9 is consistently giving me the most.
Matt Braunger: It was like they just handed us,
not even the cake,
Matt Braunger: just the whole can of frosting.
Matt Braunger: Episode 9 is all frosting.
Jonathan Van Ness: Ding dong, the GD witch is dead,
and you are serving me Ramsay Bolton realness.
Matt Braunger: Nice work girlfriend.
Matt Braunger: Where are...
Jonathan Van Ness: my dragons?
♪ ♪

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