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Did yall knowed it a fellany to sen pichers a yur tiddies to sunwun on the lines even... more »
Published February 09, 2012 160 views More Info »
You are baskin' in the presence of a goddamn greatness,
cause this here's Loretta Jenkins
here on How I Seize It.
Commit it to your memory, minions
cause I's here to stay!
Yeah, I been gettin' pretty famous on my videos, you know
and that's probably why Daniel Tosh finally
accept my friend request on Facebook.
I sent him some pictures and a Vallytime poem last week
and once he realizes that we soulmates
he probably gonna change his relationship status for me.
Until then, I gotta gets by on self-love,
if you know what I mean,
and if you think I'm talkin' about
caressin' my cooter, I ain't!
I'm a goddamn lady.
What is wrong with y'all?
Self-love is where I take letters from my fans.
Feel like I gotta lot from Mr. Postman today...
I give him a blowjob and made him
put them in this cheetah thing of mine.
I think that's a bill.
That's a pizza thing there.
That's a bill.
Here one from Randy in Selma, Alabama.
'Dear Lo,
I gots me a celebrity crush on Nancy Grace-
Nancy Grace, but I'm married.
Are these kinda crushes healthy?'
Well darlin', I don't think it's healthy to
fantasize about Nancy Grace for any reason.
All I can say is your woman must be real fuckin' ugly
if Nancy Grace is your only alternative.
But in all fairness, Randy, it's just a fantasy.
It don't hurt no one.
That one was gross.
Let's do another one.
I told y'all I didn't want no more Vallytimes cards.
I hate that holiday. It's a-
Oh my God, it's from the Tosh.0 show!
Drink and be calm...
They could be anything in here:
A marriage proposal
Oh, a business offer...
I hate Vallytimes Day!
What kind of asshole send you a
restraining order in a Vallytimes card?
Shut up, Dr. Phil!!!
You know the entertainment business...
They all want you to fall in love with their celebrities.
Oh yeah, until you tell them that you'd tea
your heart out and give it to them
if they needed a transplant.
Or kill anyone that stand in the way
of your love...
Yeah, that's creepy all the sudden.
I thought he was the ones, y'all!
Well fine, asshole.
You don't want me?
Well there's only thing left to do,
so at least one of us will be happy in the end.
You know what they say?
They say for every person out there,
they've got a twin. So....
If I can't have me no real Dan Point Tosh 0
for a lover?
Or at least a dick picture to rub up against
on my refrigerator...
Then, I'll just settle for the next best thing.
A Dopplabanger!
Hey! Listen up, drankin' buddies...
If you look enough like Daniel Tosh,
then you need to enter my
That-When-I'm-Drunk-You-Can-Call-Me-Danny' contest!
So send me a picture of whats you look like-
Oh, mens only please...
and a list of your most intimate fantasies,
your bank statements goin' three years back,
your 'measurements,'
and a non-refundable $10 bill
just in case your picture was a waste
of my precious time.
And if I told you once, I told you a thousand times...
Nothin' under seven inches, people!
Damn, I'm a whore...
I shoulda been born a faggot.
Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh....
And that's How I Seize It.

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