Jonathan loves three things - Your Brain on Love, sheer black tees, and Game of Thrones.

Full Credits

Starring - Jonathan Van Ness
Featuring - Gilli Nissim
Director - Erin Gibson
Producers - Matt Mazany and Ross Buran
Writers - Erin Gibson, Gilli Nissim, Lindsay Katai, Matt Mazany
Lead Editor - Joan Ford
Editor and Graphics - Kat Palardy
Director of Photography - Matt Sweeney
Production Designer - Flower Cole
Gaffer - Ray Lee
Make Up and Hair - Emily Rae
Sound Mixer - Ryan Kaiseer

Stats & Data

5,965Funny
2,955Die
1,362,148
Views
April 26, 2016
Published

Transcript

Jonathan Van Ness: Hun-t, did you see season
premiere of Game of Thrones?
Jonathan Van Ness: Uh, does Cersei have
family secrets?
Multiple voices: Yeah!
♪ [Theme Music] ♪
Jonathan Van Ness: Off the top, we had Jon Snow
making blood angels in the snow.
Gilli Nissim: Gilli: He dead. He dead.
He dead.
Jonathan Van Ness: And then we have Rosamund
Pike, who's gone girl.
Jonathan Van Ness: And Evil Elijah Wood who has
shockingly caught like
Jonathan Van Ness: the worse case
of the feels.
Gilli Nissim: Until he didn't.
Iwan Rheon: Iwan: Very burned.
Iwan Rheon: She's good meat.
Feed her to the hounds.
Gilli Nissim: Gilli: Ashes to Ashes.
Kibble to kibble.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: And then my boo,
Baby Theon and Sansa Fierce are
Jonathan Van Ness: lip syncing,
Jonathan Van Ness: (Voice Echoes) for their lives.
Jonathan Van Ness: And then they hide under
Grandmother Willow, but
Jonathan Van Ness: who let the dogs out?
Jonathan Van Ness: None other than
Evil Elijah Wood.
Jonathan Van Ness: And then we had Tilda
coming just around the river bend.
Jonathan Van Ness: She shanks everyone
in the face.
Jonathan Van Ness: Podrick gets his life
saved by Baby Theon who's
Jonathan Van Ness: totally on the right
side of history.
Jonathan Van Ness: Thank God.
Gilli Nissim: And then Tilda starts a
duet with Sansa Fierce.
Gwendoline Christie: I will shield your back,
and keep your council,
Gwendoline Christie: and give my
life for yours.
Gilli Nissim: Gilli: But she forgets the
words, and then the monitor
Gilli Nissim: goes out, and then
Podrick has to step in.
Sophie Turner: You shall always have a
place by my heart, and--
Daniel Portman: Meat and mead
at my table.
Sophie Turner: --meat and mead
at my table.
[buzzer]
Jonathan Van Ness: And then vintage Mia Farrow,
the artist formerly
Jonathan Van Ness: known as Blonde Cher,
saunters out to the deck,
Jonathan Van Ness: and she's madder than a
wet hen, because she
Jonathan Van Ness: see's Brother D coming
home from Arryn's,
Jonathan Van Ness: no groceries, no dry
cleaning, and dead daughter.
Gilli Nissim: She looked exactly like
what the world felt like
Gilli Nissim: when we found out
Prince died.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: And
Chris Kaye has had it.
Jonathan Van Ness: She's putting her foot dow,
and her knife in.
Gilli Nissim: Gilli: Then Kim and Khloe
go to kill their cousin.
Gilli Nissim: And Khloe's like, "I got this."
Gilli Nissim: And in classic Kardashian
style, Kim steals the moment.
Jessica Henwick: You're a greedy bitch.
You know that?
Jonathan Van Ness: Meanwhile, back in Meryn O.C.,
we have Munchers and
Jonathan Van Ness: Dr. Evil taking a little walk,
giving us their own version of twins.
Jonathan Van Ness: And then we come to find
out that Sir Carlisle must
Jonathan Van Ness: have been taking full CSI
tracker lessons, because
Jonathan Van Ness: he heat sinking missile'd
his way straight to
Jonathan Van Ness: Christina Aguilera's
wedding ring.
Iain Glen: They have her.
♪ [Playing: The Who,
"Won't Get Fooled Again"] ♪
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: Poor Christina.
She's at Coachella, weekend 3.
Jonathan Van Ness: Everyone is soup sea hydrated.
Not a Coconut Water in site.
Gilli Nissim: No one knows what tent
Father John Misty's in.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: It's like they had
her at the nail salon,
Jonathan Van Ness: and the girls were totally talking
smack about her in Vietnamese--
Jonathan Van Ness: --but little do they
know, she's fluent.
Jonathan Van Ness: Girl, she came at them like
Beyoncé, and don't hurt yourself,
Jonathan Van Ness: "Bitch who the fuck
do you think I is?"
Jonathan Van Ness: "You ain't married to no
average bitch boy."
Gilli Nissim: Gilli: And she was like,
this is going to get me
Gilli Nissim: out of this mess, right?
And they were like no.
Gilli Nissim: We're sending you with
all the [...?] Golden Girl widows
Gilli Nissim: to eat cheese cake on
the Lini for the rest of eternity.
Jonathan Van Ness: And then that poor
Baby Kristen Stewart,
Jonathan Van Ness: they got her
so messed up.
Jonathan Van Ness: They turned her into
a blind piñata.
Gilli Nissim: Gilli: And the biggest shocker of
the show Evil Stevie Nicks
Gilli Nissim: had some serious
work done
Jonathan Van Ness: To me, this is just an age old,
classic example of sexism,
Jonathan Van Ness: because you do not want to see
me when I take off my [...?] necklace.
Gilli Nissim: But you like should keep
tissues around for that.
Jonathan Van Ness: Bam honey!
Jonathan Van Ness: I cannot get over all the Talisa Stark
realness this is giving me right now.
Jonathan Van Ness: (Accented) It's like really so much.
Gilli Nissim: (Accented) It looks so good.
Gilli Nissim: Where are...
Jonathan Van Ness: my dragons?
♪ [music] ♪

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