Big Balls w/ John Leguizamo

Uploader

John Leguizamo

Writer

Seth Morris

Director

Matt and Oz

Actor

Eric Filipkowski

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Actor

DanielCirilo

Cinematographer

Antonio Scarlata

Producer

Christin Trogan

Additional Credits >

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The video opens with Daniel Cirilo and Eric Filipkowski standing by a water cooler. Daniel Cirilo is holding a cup of water.

Eric Filipkowski: I want a fifteen percent raise.

Daniel Cirilo: I can't do it. The economy is too bad.

Eric Filipkowski slaps the cup of water out of Daniel Cirilo's hand.

Eric Filipkowski: Make it twenty percent.

Daniel Cirilo: Where do you get the balls?

Cheesy advertising music starts to play and John Leguizamo steps into view.

John Leguizamo: From me. Fast Eddie Tobbick. (John Leguizamo points at the camera.) That's who.

The shot cuts to John Leguizamo behind a desk, slamming a phone back down on the hook.

John Leguizamo: That's right, folks. Where you going to get those balls from? They gotta come from someplace don't they? That's right. Fast Eddie Tobbick's Nard Yard.

The shot cuts to a still image of a building exterior. A sign on the building reads FAST EDDIE'S NARD YARD. The following telephone number and address appear:

1-800-555-BALL
1195 Stonespoint rd. in Freedale

The shot cuts back to John Leguizamo. A whiteboard behind him reads:

To Do List
1. Order More Balls
2. Wash + Buff Balls
3. Shave Balls
4. Volleyballs?
5.

John Leguizamo: You want more confidence. You need more energy. They're hiding in this pair of mammoth clackers (a picture of testicles is shown) and are yours for just $19.99. (another picture of testicles is shown with a price of $199.99).

The shot cuts to John Leguizamo kicking still images of testicles. The shot then cuts back to John Leguizamo by his desk.

John Leguizamo: These low hanging inner thigh-hammers (a picture of testicles is shown) are going for just $159.99 and, because I'm a fucking nice guy, I'm going to throw in the hair and the veins for no extra charge. How about that? Come on!

The shot cuts to John Leguizamo “straining” to hold up a giant pair of testicles. The shot cuts John Leguizamo standing alone.

John Leguizamo: Trade in your “Oh I hope God gives me what I want” attitude for one that says “Don't you fuck with me, fuckface.”

The shot cuts to John Leguizamo superimposed next to a pool table.

John Leguizamo: Or, a pair of spunk sacks so big people are going to want to play pool with them.

A pool ball flies toward the camera and the shot cuts to John Leguizamo standing alone.

John Leguizamo: Not what you're looking for? Well, we've also got huevos, love buds, marbles, taint pillows, ass smackers, kerbangers, cojones, tenders, conkers, bullocks, good fellas, and baby batter buds. What?

The shot cuts to John Leguizamo ducking to avoid giant testicles. The shot cuts to him by his desk.

John Leguizamo: Fast Eddie's Nard Yard. If we don't got them, you don't want them. You know what else folks, let me tell you something. I'm not going to pay Jeff and I'm fucking his wife. How about that? Huh? That's right, I'm not just the owner. I'm a customer. Fast Eddie's Tobbick's Nard Yard, our prices are gonna make you bust a nut.

Daniel Cirilo and Eric Filipkowski appear and argue in the background. Daniel Cirilo turns to John Leguizamo.

Daniel Cirilo: You're fucking my wife?

John Leguizamo: Hey Jeff, you got a problem with me mother fucker?

John Leguizamo grabs a boom microphone and starts chasing Daniel Cirilo with it.

John Leguizamo: Yeah, I'm fucking your wife.

The shot cuts to a cartoon graphic of John Leguizamo surfing a wave, using a pair of testicles as a surfboard. The following text appears:

FAST EDDIE'S NARD YARD
1-800-HLL-BALL

The shot cuts back to John Leguizamo chasing Daniel Cirilo around the office.

John Leguizamo: What Jeff? What? What?

Daniel Cirilo: Hey!

The following text appears:

EDDIE TOBBICK's NARD YARD
1195 Stonespoint Rd. in Freedale
No trade ins, installation or refunds of any kind you fucking zero