Comedian Noel Murphy has worked with Bill Cosby, Paula Poundstone, Bon Jovi, Ellen... more »

Full Credits

Written, Performed and Produced by Noel Murphy

Stats & Data

February 13, 2014


**Welcome. If you are emotionally damaged and looking for a force bigger than yourself to assume the bad debt known as your life, then you've come to the right place.
I will be - who you need me to be -as long as you are willing to let me ship all of my products, books and blindly bill your credit card. /I mean, that's more than fair and if you don't think so/ maybe you have not had a recent whiff of what it's like for others to see you struggle with the tangled barbwire of the past you're dead stuck in, and clinging to like a Victor Frankle raisin....There that's better. (Break)
**Look, you know your childhood was so devastating that you have a far higher rock climb than 99% of the rest of the people out there- AND that your current job, marriage or finances will simply not allow you to be the genius master of the universe you know deep down you can be. You know if you could only break free and make it to the summit of that big rock candy mountain and drink unicorn tears.. you would be absolutely, astonishingly, blissfully happy, joyous and take flight / like Jesus headed out for a LATE' at a cosmic Starbucks. (Break)
**Over and over they tell you to give up and just synergize in partner ship with a loving universe and be as one. BUT deep down you know you were meant for something even more special, so special that if you were to crawl over the tops of the hordes of dissonant humanity leaving your cleat marks on all of them as you go, it would all be forgiven for the greater good and you'd get to have that sweet unicorn tear, froto hurl the ring into pit moment. ( Break)
**I will assure you that you being that much more special, has reallt cost you and you my friend have paid a devastatingly high price in relationships, money and mental-health, so why stop now ? All you need is someone there to applaud you and assure you and cheer you on no matter what evil spawn springs forth from your loins. /I will tell you-that someone can be me! Why ? because everything that happened in your life Lead to this moment between you and me. Ok don't believe me ? then stop writing that check. Put the pen down and let's compare...

**Tony Robbins: tony says he wants you to unleash the giant within. Easy for him to say, he is an actual giant. I mean shaking his hand is like grabbing a bunch of bananas for mercy sake. Unleash your inner NO to this guy or you will coal walk to hell... Unleash

Deepak Chopra he will guide you to a blank slate of contentment, NOW where would your resentments and plans for revenge be?

Joel Osteen: he will pause and smile look longingly to heaven, and pause and smile towards heaven, you to death. And besides how could he not be the devil?

The chicken soup guys? They will just put a picture of a rescue kitten next to your story and you'll end up a overdone Facebook post. And on and on...
**So you see in this world of 500 competing 10 steps to sucsess and a multitude of gurus all saying: "guzzle down that massive free refill cup of YOU it is a fire hose of healing you must suck from /until the back of your head blows out !
I can make it very simple I promise I will be your human Vicodin every day every moment and you will never run out. I will hold you to my gluten soaked bosom and suckle you until you can monkey climb the Empire State Building and play hand ball with airplanes. (Break)
** You know I am in it totally for me and thats the only way you really can know for sure that when I tell you that the money you give me will go straight into private jet fuel where at 49,000 ft I will snort bath salts off of a a hookers spray tan, you know I'm telling the truth, and that truth? You can take all the way to your dream of buying out both apple and google -in cash- while buying every man woman an child on earth maybe a nice handgun or medical care. ( break)
**Your dream of not just settling for showing your high school class they were wrong about you, but financing a hostile take over of the United States and imprisioning them all... can be a reality! They'll with they had been nicer oh yes they will, but not without the coaching of Dr. Rupert Opie my friends. Without me? plan on a life of dollar stores and illiterate coworkers , but hey, I don't mean to scare you.
** Well maybe just a little. Any way we've hacked your paypal account and so your all paid for- and now just blink that big yes, yes yes, (the parasitic we slipped you should still let you use your eyelids... Welcome aboard, this workshop has now begun!