Asshole For Hire

Uploader

James Van Der Beek

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Cinematographer

Antonio Scarlata

Writer & Director

Chad Carter

Editor

Justin Donaldson

Actor

Kirsten Lee Barrie

Actor

joshrachford

Producer

Betsy Koch

Wardrobe/Costume Design

Aubrey Binzer

Producer

Christin Trogan

Additional Credits [+]

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WEBVTT 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:29.000 <v James Van Der Beek> Hello men. My name is James Van Der Beek and I’m sorry. For years, I played sensitive do-gooder Dawson Leery on Dawson’s Creek. Now, you may not have watched the show, but your girlfriend did. And for years she’s been secretly comparing you to a very unrealistic standard. You see, Dawson was sweet, kind, loving, eloquent, generous, romantic. He never made a move and always apologized, whether it was his fault or not. But I’m making it right. 00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:31.000 <v Derek Johnson> Give me a break, already. 00:00:31.000 --> 00:00:32.000 <v Rebecca Zamalo> You were late for dinner. 00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:33.500 <v Derek Johnson> Late? What are you talking about? I wasn’t even late. 00:00:33.500 --> 00:00:34.000 <v Rebecca Zamalo> You were an hour late. 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:35.000 <v Derek Johnson> You make me crazy! 00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:37.000 <v Rebecca Zamalo> Oh my god, Dawson. 00:00:37.000 --> 00:00:40.000 <v James Van Der Beek> I got you bro. Nice rack. Want to ride jet-skis? 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:54.000 <v James Van Der Beek> Maybe you forgot your anniversary or you didn’t call her enough from your friend’s bachelor party. I’ll make you look like a hero, by lowering the bar. 00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:58.000 <v James Van Der Beek> Hey, who do I have to dick slap to get some bread around here. 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:04.000 <v James Van Der Beek> Fellas, you’re not perfect and you should have to be. Let me work for you. 00:01:05.000 --> 00:01:09.000 <v James Van Der Beek> Never waste your money buying candy for a chic. It’s only makes them fat right. Right, bro? 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:11.000 <v Josh Rachford> I’m not going to high five you. 00:01:12.000 --> 00:01:13.000 <v James Van der Beek> He’s a keeper. 00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:18.000 <v Matt McKenna> My girl grew up on Disney Movies and Dawson’s Creek. Now I’m a nice guy, but I’m not prince charming. 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:22.000 <v Jonothan Avigdori> My wife was crazy about Dawson, until he punched her mother in the face. 00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:24.000 <v Brian Guest> Van Der Beek took a shit in her aquarium. 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:26.000 <v James Van Der Beek> I’ll take a shit in your aquarium too. 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:28.000 <v James Van Der Beek> Abort. Abort. 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:31.000 <v Kirsten Lee Barrie> Oh my god, Dawson Leery. 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:34.000 <v Bob Turton> Get the hell out of here, Der Beek! You’re ruining my moment. 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:37.000 <v James Van Der Beek> Listen buddy, if it floats, flies, or fucks, rent it. 00:01:39.000 --> 00:01:49.000 <v James Van Der Beek> Call now. Let me help. It’s the least I could do. Really. I mean, it’s all my fault. Please. Call!