New Credit Card Laws

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The video opens with Brandon Johnson, Brian Huskey, Seth Morris and Will McLaughlin sitting around a table, eating lunch and boisterously discussing their work in the credit card industry.

Brandon Johnson: So, she’s stuck on the side of the road and like, I’m with my kid and it’s Christmas. Can you please turn my credit card back on?

Background: What’d you say? What’d you say?

Brandon Johnson: OK, ma’am, I think I can…no! Ha ha ha.

Brandon Johnson receives high fives and cheers for this tale.

Chad Carter enters the room holding a piece of paper and looking concerned.

Chad Carter: Guys! We’re screwed!

Will McLaughlin: What? They cancelled Two and Half Men?

Chad Carter: No.

Seth Morris: Dave and Buster’s closed?

Chad Carter: No

Brian Huskey: Is my kid still missing?

Chad Carter: No, it’s worse than all of that. The government! They’re regulating the credit card industry. They’re cracking down. (screaming) On everything!

Brandon Johnson: They’ve cracked down before. Don’t get your vagina’s panties in a bunch.

There is laughter from around the table.

Chad Carter: You think my panties and vaginas are in a bunch? Listen to this. No credit card company shall charge an additional fee for a customer paying their bill online or via telephone.

Brandon Johnson, Seth Morris, Brian Huskey, Will McLaughlin: What? What? What? What?

They all begin screaming inarticulately.

Seth Morris: Let me see that!

Seth Morris snatches the paperwork from Chad Carter.

Seth Morris: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shut the fuck up! You know how we send the bill out fourteen days before its due, in the hopes that they won’t get the check out on time?

Brian Huskey: Yeah and then we dig them with a service charge.

Seth Morris: Well guess what bro? We ain’t allowed to do that anymore.

Brian Huskey: We make up the rules as we go along. That’s our thing, right?

Brandon Johnson: Next thing you’re gonna tell me we don’t get to bill them after sixty days past overdue. Am I right? I’m fucking crazy with that shit, right? That’s what it says!

In Unison: What?

Chad Carter: Look what they’re doing to us?

All five men become insane with rage, screaming and yelling at one another.

Seth Morris: Did I wake up in America this morning or did I wake up in Crazyland?

Brian Huskey: Next thing I can’t breathe air. Next thing they’re going to tell me that my ruffies aren’t legal.

Will McLaughlin: But, ruffies were never legal.

Brian Huskey: Yeah, I know.

Chad Carter: Are you guys ready for the what-the-hell lettuce on this fuck-a-sandwich? Credit card companies will no longer be allowed to use fine print.

Brian Huskey: Find print?

Chad Carter: Fine print is where we hide all the gotchas and the F you’s and the we wins. We have to use Twelve Point Font!

Brian Huskey: Next thing they’re gonna tell me I need a permit for my automatic weapon…

Brian Huskey pulls out a machine gun.

Everyone else: Whoa!

Brian Huskey: …that’s bullshit.

Seth Morris: Whoa, whoa, whoa! You do need a permit for that man.

Brian Huskey: Look, I know. I really wish you guys would stop picking on me.

Seth Morris: Nobody is picking on you. We’re all a little upset about this crap!

Everyone begins to act insane, screaming and becoming violent. Will McLaughlin begins to cut his own throat. Brian Huskey begins eating a newspaper. Seth Morris and Chad Carter attack each other. Brandon Johnson begins screaming to the sky.

Announcer: Credit card companies. They’re finally get fucked back.

The words Credit Card Companies They’re finally getting fucked back appear on the video in bright, yellow letters.