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They did it! The team won!! Erin celebrates the big win by tearing into Bob Dylan,... more »
Published February 04, 2014 45k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

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THIS IS THROWING SHADE.

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WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,

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AND HOMOSENUAL BRYAN SAFI TAKE ALL OF THE

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HEADLINES AND POLITICS, AND POP CULTURE,

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AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH LESS RESPECT THAN

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THEY DESERVE.

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CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

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SUPER BOWL.

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YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE ILLEGAL TO SAY SUPER BOWL?

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OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH, WHATEVER.

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I WENT TO A SUPER BOWL PARTY, AND I WAS A BIG HIT.

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BUT THERE WAS NO SOUP, WHICH LIKE.

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DID YOU WATCH THE PUPPY BOWL?

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NO I HATE THAT SHIT.

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MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SUPER BOWL WAS THE FUNNY...

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- THEY HAD THE FUNNIEST COMMERCIAL.
- OH REALLY?

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I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A HINT. YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHICH ONE IT IS.

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OKAY.

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MASERATI.

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- NO. CLOSE THOUGH
- OH.

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I'M BEING AMERICAN.

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OH BOB DYLAN.

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IT'S JUST LIKE AMERICA.

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- YEAH. WHAT WAS HE ADVERTISING?
- CHRYSLER.

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WHAT MOLES WOULD LOOK LIKE AS HUMANS?

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WHEN HE WALKED OUT DID YOU JUST START LISTING

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ALL OF THE FACE SURGERIES HE HAD?

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I THOUGHT, WHERE IS SOME VITAMIN D.

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THAT'S ALL WE NEED RIGHT NOW, IS JUST A SHOT OF VITAMIN D.

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BUT HE'S AN ICON.

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ALL SAY IT. I'LL GO ON RECORD.

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- I NEVER LIKED HIM.
- WOW.

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- I NEVER LIKED ANYTHING ABOUT HIM...
- I DO.

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DON'T INCLUDE ME IN THIS.

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I DON'T THINK HE'S A GOOD PERSON.

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OH, OKAY.

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I THINK HE HAPPENED TO LIKE FIND LIKE THIS FOLK MOVEMENT, BUT

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- I DON'T THINK HE WAS EVER LIKE...
- DO YOU KNOW THAT...

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HE NEVER WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE, AND WAS LIKE,

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MR. PRESIDENT. FREE THE SLAVES. OR WHATEVER.

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YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

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WELL RIGHT, BECAUSE IT WAS...

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I'M JUST SAYING, LIKE DO SOMETHING.

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ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

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- THE DO SOMETHING AWARDS.
- OKAY

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HE'S NEVER WON, ONE OF THOSE.

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HERE'S WHAT BOB DYLAN DOES THAT BOTHERS ME...

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I'M IN SHOCK.

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YOU ARE?

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YES.

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GET READY?

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I AM READY.

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- YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO BE RESUSCITATED AFTER I'M DONE.
- OKAY. LETS GO.

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NUMBER 1, BOB DYLAN...

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GENIUS.

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- NO.
- YEAH.

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HE'S ONE OF THESE PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD WHO IS LIKE...

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THE FACT THAT YOU SAY, ONE OF THESE PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD

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- TO DESCRIBE BOB DYLAN...
- YES...

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LISTEN TO ME. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD THAT OTHER

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PEOPLE LATCH ON TO, BECAUSE THEY'RE CONFUSED.

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THERE LIKE, I'M SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM, BUT HE'S WEIRD

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LOOKING. HE HAS A WEIRD VOICE, BUT I LIKE WHAT HE'S SAYING...

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BOB DYLAN, WAS 1000% PERCENT, SEXY, FUCKABLE, HOTTIE, WHEN HE

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WAS YOUNG.

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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

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PUT BOB DYLAN NEXT TO ROCK HUDSON, AND YOU CHOOSE BOB DYLAN?

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I WOULD, YOU KNOW WHAT, I WOULD DO A FRIDAY, SATURDAY.

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ONE ON FRIDAY, AND ONE ON SATURDAY.

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- YEAH.
- YEAH.

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YOU'RE RIGHT, LETS MOVE ON, BECAUSE WE ARE AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE

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BOB DYLAN...YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM THAT MUCH.

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I LIKE JONI MITCHELL WAY BETTER.

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YEAH, BUT YOU LOVE ARGUING WITH ME.

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- I DO.
- YEAH.

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SO WHAT DID YOU DO ON SATURDAY NIGHT. YOU HOOKED UP WITH A STRANGER...

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- I DID A SEXY.
- YEAH.

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I DID (LAUGHS)...

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I JUST HAD DINNER WITH A FRIEND UP THE STREET. NO BIG WHOOP.

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NOT ME. SO I GUESS I DON'T CARE.

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AND THEN I WAS LIKE, OH IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT, I'M A SINGLE GUY.

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WHY NOT GET SOME PINOT NOIR, MAKE THIS A PARTY AT HOME, LIKE AT HOME.

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PARTY FOR ONE, YEAH.

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I GOT 3 WEBBY WILLIAMS EPISODES TO CATCH UP ON. LET'S DO THIS.

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I WENT TO THE LIQUOR STORE TO BUY MY WINE. THERE WAS A GUY IN THERE

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WHO WAS LIKE JOHN VARVATOS, HEAD TO TOE, LIKE SUPER GOOD LOOKING...

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YEAH, JOHN VARVATOS, FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW WHO JOHN VARVATOS IS,

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- SLICK, EUROPEAN CUT SUITS...
- YES...

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ERIN: VERY LIKE POP A COLLAR.

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BRYAN: AND ALSO HIS CASUAL WEAR IS LIKE A MIDNIGHT BLUE PANT.

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SO ANYWAY, THERE WAS A GUY BEHIND ME WASTED, WAITING IN LINE. THERE

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WAS A LINE.

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I HOPE YOU HOOKED UP WITH THAT GUY.

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I DIDN'T.

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SO OF COURSE IT WAS ME, SO I OUT LOUD, THINKING, I'M BY MYSELF, AND JUST LIKE...

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IN A PUBLIC, PLACE...

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GOD, GREAT, THIS IS JUST WHAT...YOU KNOW, MAKING IT ALL ABOUT ME.

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YEAH, THIS IS WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW...

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THIS IS WHAT I NEED...

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I'M TRYING TO GET DRUNK.

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YEAH...

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I'M TRYING TO GET DRUNK, AND A DRUNK GUY IS TALKING TO ME?

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SO ANYWAYS, THEN THE GUY IN FRONT OF ME LAUGHED WHEN I DID THAT, AND I WAS LIKE

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OH MY GOD, I GOTTA WRITE THIS SHIT DOWN...

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- NO. YEAH...
- THAT WAS MY FIRST THOUGHT.

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SO I DID, PEOPLE THOUGHT THIS WHOLE THING WAS FUNNY

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AND WHATEVER, SO WE WERE TALKING

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AS WE LEFT, AND HE WAS LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?

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AND I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW, COULD BARELY HOLD MYSELF TOGETHER.

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YEAH...HOLDING A PINOT NOIR...

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PINOT NOIR...

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WITH A PAPER BAG YEAH...

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WITH PROBABLY SOME REMNANTS OF COCONUT OIL ON MY FACE SOMEWHERE.

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SO ANYWAY, SO, THE GUY, VARVATOS SAID, I'M GOING TO

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MEET UP WITH SOME FRIENDS. DO YOU WANNA GO?

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AND I WAS LIKE, EH. DON'T KNOW YOUR FRIENDS. THAT WOULD BE WEIRD, WHATEVER.

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THAT'S A WEIRD INVITATION.

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YES.

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AND HE WAS, OH, I'LL TEXT YOU LATER, IF I DECIDE TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.

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OKAY. SO THEN HE TEXTS ME AT LIKE 12:30...

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THAT'S LATE. VERY LATE.

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YEP. THAT'S WHAT I SAID. HOW RUDE, FIRST OF ALL.

124

I SENT A PICTURE LIKE THIS.

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- GREAT.
- YEAH.

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HE ENDS UP TEXTING ME, LIKE HEY, WHAT'S UP?

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AND I TEXT BACK, COME OVER.

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GREAT JOB. BE AGGRESSIVE, YOU KNOW. YOU'RE BEING AGGRESSIVE THESE DAYS.

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EXACTLY. SO HE COMES OVER. HE SPENDS THE NIGHT...

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OR DESPERATE. WHICH IS IT?

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SO WHATEVER. HE LEAVES THE NEXT MORNING, AND I'M LIKE, I'M NEVER GOING

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TO HEAR FROM THIS GUY. ANYWAY, HE TEXTED ME THE NEXT DAY, BUT IT WAS ALL

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TOO SEXY. HE WAS TEXTING ME ONLY SEXING THINGS...

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HE ONLY WANTS TO USE YOU FOR THE FACT THAT HE CAN ONLY GIVE YOU BLOW JOBS.

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YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT DOWN FOR AN F, B, SITUATION RIGHT NOW.

136

A FUCK BUDDY.

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- YEAH.
- YEAH.

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AT ABOUT 9:30 AM, WHEN HE LEFT BEFORE...

139

DOES HE HAVE A NAME, OR IS HE JUST HE?

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UH, YES HE DOES, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT.

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- YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SAY HIS FIRST NAME.
- NO.

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PROBABLY MIKE.

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SO...

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PHIL?

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- I'M NOT DOING THIS WITH YOU.
- HENRY.

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OH, OLIVER.

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OH FORGET IT.

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KURT.

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IT'S GOLDIE.

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YOU FUCKED A DOG?

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ERIN...

153

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THIS IS WRONG.

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I KNOW, I'M SHOWING OFF MY MUSCLES, DOING MY PECTORAL, DOING

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ALL OF MY CALISTHENICS LATELY, BECAUSE I...

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WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PECTORAL, AND EDITORIAL?

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NONE.

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THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE.

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I'VE WONDERED IT FOR SO MANY YEARS.

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I WALK INTO EVERY BUSINESS THAT I DO, AND I GO, EXCUSE ME

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I'M HERE TO MEET WITH THE PECTORIAL IN CHIEF.

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THEY SEND OUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE A REALL BRAWNY DUDE.

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AND I SAY, AIN'T YOU ON THOSE PAPER TOWELS, BITCH?

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OH, YOU GET...ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A DRAG QUEEN WHEN YOU

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WALKED INTO THIS PLACE?

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NO BUT I BECOME ONE. I NEVER GET THE JOB.

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THIS IS ACTUALLY VERY SAD. THE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION

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DID THIS STUDY...ACTUALLY I DON'T THINK IT WAS THE FOOD

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AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION. THERE WAS A STUDY

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DONE ABOUT STEROID USE...

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DO YOU READ ANYTHING BEFORE YOU COME IN?

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YES, I DO.

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STEROID USE.

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STEROID USE, AMONG...

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GAY MEN.

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GAY TEENS.

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OH.

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AMONG TEENAGERS, PERIOD.

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AND THE RESULTS WERE KIND OF...

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- EVEN GIRLS?
- YES.

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GAY AND BI-SEXUAL TEEN BOYS USE ILLICIT STEROIDS AT A

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RATE, 6 TIMES MORE THAN STRAIGHT KIDS.

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WHY?

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BECAUSE, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED IN THE 80S.

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AND THIS IS GOING TO GET SAD FOR A SECOND.

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THIS SORT OF BULKING UP STUFF REALLY HIT A HIGH DURING THE AIDS CRISIS

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DURING THE 80S, BECAUSE PEOPLE WANTED TO LOOK SUPER HEALTHY, AND

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LIKE SUPER MASCULINE. IT ALSO COMES FROM A TOTAL SELF

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HATRED OF YOURSELF, BECAUSE YOU FEEL EFFEMINATE, A LITTLE BIT,

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OR YOU FEEL LESS THAN A MAN. THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN TAUGHT TO FEEL.

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SO YOU BULK UP YOUR EXTERIOR TO PROVE HOW MANLY YOU ARE.

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WHICH I STILL THINK WHY A LOT OF TIMES...

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BUT INSIDE YOU'RE JUST A DANCING BALLERINA.

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- EXACTLY.
- YEAH.

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WELL SOMETIMES, BUT I THINK THAT'S WHY GAY MEN SEEK, NOT ALL, BUT MANY,

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SEEK AMY, AND ALSO SEEK MASCULINE TYPES.

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RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

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WHICH IS WHY I'M SO SOUGHT AFTER, BECAUSE PEOPLE OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,

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I WALK DOWN...

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THIS IS WHY YOU WON'T MOVE TO WEST HOLLYWOOD, BECAUSE, YOU'RE LIKE, I'M

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NOT DOING THIS.

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YEAH.

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I'M NOT DOING THE DOWN THE STREET...

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I'M NOT DOING IT...

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- WALKING DOWN...
- I'M NOT DOING IT.

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I'LL WALK DOWN THE STREET, AND GAY GUYS WILL BE LIKE,

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WOAH, IS THAT A FOOTBALL PLAYER? NO.

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IS THAT MAN A LUMBER JACK?

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- NO...
- YEAH. ALL THESE PEOPLE GET HIT ON THE HEADS.

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EXPERIENCING A CONCUSSION.

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AH, I BET HE KNOWS HOW TO USE A SAW.

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YEAH.

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- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- YEAH.

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AND THEN I WALK UP, AND I'LL BE LIKE ALL,

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(MANLY VOICE) I DO KNOW HOW TO USE A SAW, AND IT BEATS MY DICK IN YOUR...

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GOD...

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READY TO GET CUT UP?

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YEAH.

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21% PERCENT OF GAY OR HOMOSEXUAL BOYS SAID THAT THEY USE STEROIDS.

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21% PERCENT VERSUS, 4% PERCENT OF STRAIGHT...

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WOW...

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STRAIGHT DUDES.

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FOR THOSE WHO SAID THAT THEY USED IT MODERATELY, THERE WASN'T A HUGE

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DIFFERENCE. OF THE HEAVIEST USE, 40 TIMES MORE.

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PEOPLE SAID THEY USE IT HEAVILY THAN STRAIGHT DUDES.

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THIS WAS THE FIRST STUDY THAT WAS BUILT TO EXAMINE THIS PROBLEM OF...

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WHAT, WHAT, MADE THEM THINK ABOUT THIS AS A PROBLEM?

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WERE THERE PEOPLE BEING...OH YOU...

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LOOKING AT HIM...

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YOU CALLED THEM.

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ABSOLUTELY, YEAH.

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WHAT NUMBER DID YOU CALL? 411?

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- 911.
- OKAY.

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I CALLED 911, AND I SAID, I NEED A STUDY DONE FOR STEROIDS, AND THEY WERE

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LIKE, OKAY WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY, AND I GO (GASP).

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YOU DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH KIND SIR?

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CUNT SIR?

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NO, OH NO NO...

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BUT THAT'S WHAT THEY THOUGHT TO.

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SO, POTENTIAL SIGNS THAT SOMEONE MGHT BE USING THESE,

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MAJOR MOOD SWINGS...

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I LOVE THE STAND-UP COMEDIAN.

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SIGNS YOU'RE USING TESTOSTERONE.

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YEP, THAT'S WHERE I WAS GOING.

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MAJOR MOOD SWINGS.

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SPEEDY MUSCLE GROWTH. THIS ONE'S CRAZY.

248

- BREAST DEVELOPMENT IN BOYS...
- YES.

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ALSO, HERE'S WHAT'S ALSO CRAZY.

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WHEN YOU WATCH VAMPIRE DIARIES, OR I DON'T KNOW,

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ANYTHING ON THE CW, IF YOU ARE IN A TEEN MOVIE,

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THE IMAGES OF WHAT A TEENAGER IS ARE BEING PLAYED BY

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LATE 20S, EARLY 30 YEAR OLDS.

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- AS IS TRADITION.
- WHICH IS A DIFFERENT BODY.

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EXACTLY. BUT WHAT I'M SAYING IS LIKE, YOU LOOK TO THAT STUFF, AND IT'S LIKE

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WELL, THOSE PEOPLE ARE 10 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU ARE.

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SO YOU CAN'T LOOK LIKE THEM.

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YOU LOOK AT DYLAN MCCAIN, AND YOU'RE LIKE, WHY DON'T I HAVE A 401K?

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- YEAH, EXACTLY. WHY ISN'T MY HAIR LINE RECEDING.
- YEAH.

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IT WOULD BE GREAT TO SQUASH THIS PROBLEM NOW,

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BECAUSE MORE GAY MEN SMOKE CIGARETTES,

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THAN ANY OTHER GROUP.

263

REALLY?

264

YES, DRUG, AND ALCOHOL USE IS ALWAYS HIGHER, AND IT'S JUST A FUCKING

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SELF HATRED THING. IT'S TERRIBLE.

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THIS IS WHY WE GOTTA START THIS GAY UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.

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OKAY.

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I SHOULD ALSO JUST SAY, IT WAS A NATIONALLY REPRESENTATIVE STUDY, THAT

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WAS AN ANALYSIS OF GOVERNMENT SURVEY'S FROM 2005 TO 2007.

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AND IT AGAIN INVOLVED 17,250 TEEN BOYS.

271

YEAH, I THOUGHT I WOULD END IT ON SOME HARD KNOWLEDGE.

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YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? BECAUSE IT MAKES ME HARD.

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YEAH.

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I'M HARD RIGHT NOW, AND I'VE NEVER USED STEROIDS, SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW BIG.

275

YOU SHOULD AT LEAST DRAW IT SO WE CAN SEE HOW BIG IT IS.

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YOUR BIG OL' DICK THAT YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT.

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MY DICK IS APPROXIMATELY THIS BIG.

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IS IT THAT JAGGED?

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- EXACTLY LIKE THIS.
- YEAH.

280

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BRYAN, YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN, SO YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO RELATE TO THIS.

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- OH.
- ARE YOU A WOMAN?

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NO I'M NOT.

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SO THERE WAS A LOT OF WOMAN WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL YESTERDAY, AND THEY WERE

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WATCHING LIKE THIS. UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT...DO I SIT, DO I EAT A CHIP...

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DO I, WHAT DO I DO...I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE...

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EVERYTHING OKAY HONEY? YEAH.

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OH GOD...AM I...CAN I...WHY...DO...THIS...

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(SCREAMS AND CRIES)

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BUT THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T HAVE BROOKLYN DECKER'S GIRLY GUIDE

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TO HOW TO DO THE NBA, NFL SUPER BOWL.

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CAN I BREATHE NOW?

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- YES.
- OKAY.

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HARPER'S BIZARE, WHICH, WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

295

UH...

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I MEAN, GET OUT OF IT. VOGUE WON.

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VOGUE IS IN.

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NO ONES READING IT.

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THEY WENT TO BROOKLYN DECKER...

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THAT'S NOT A SUB SANDWICH PLACE?

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SHE HAS THOSE BIG GAZONGAS.

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BRYAN: I KNOW WHO SHE IS.

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ERIN: YOU KNOW, SHE'S GOT THOSE FLOATIES.

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BRYAN: SHE'S GOT THAT BA-BOOM...

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(TOGETHER) BA-BOOM...

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SHE WAS IN, HERE WE GO, WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING, AND BATTLESHIP.

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SHE HAS ALL THE TIPS FOR ALL THE LADIES.
IT'S BROOKLYN DECKER'S GIRLY GUIDE

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TO THE SUPER BOWL, AND THIS WAS IN HARPER'S BIZARRE.
FOR ALL OF YOU WOMAN THAT

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FREAKED OUT THIS YEAR, THIS IS TIPS FOR NEXT YEAR.
BECAUSE THE SUPER BOWL

310

IS ONLY ONCE A YEAR. THIS IS HOW THEY START OFF THE ARTICLE.

311

DID YOU KNOW THAT BROOKLYN DECKER, THE ALL AMERICAN BEACH BEAUTY, DRESSED

312

ALWAYS TO THE 9'S IS ALSO A TOTAL TOM BOY?

313

THIS IS THE BEST.

314

THEY WENT TO HER FOR HER TOP 10 TIPS FOR LADIES TO ENJOY THE SUPER BOWL.

315

OKAY, NUMBER 1. PICK A TEAM, EVEN IF IT'S AT RANDOM. WHEN PICKING AN OUTFIT

316

FOR GAME DAY BE COMFORTABLE. I ACTUALLY AGREE WITH THAT. YOU SHOULD BE

317

COMFORTABLE.

318

I AGREE WITH THAT TOO, BUT WHO NEEDS THAT ADVICE?

319

WELL THEN YOU NEED...

320

WHO'S LIKE, OH DAMMIT. I WAS GOING TO WEAR A GOWN.

321

YEAH, WELL IN CASE YOU'RE A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT...

322

YEAH...

323

THERE'S NUMBER 4.

324

JUST SAY NO TO HEELS. LADIES, STOP WEARING HEALS TO SPORTING EVENTS.

325

IT'S A WEIRD, AND TERRIBLE IDEA.

326

SURE.

327

NUMBER 5. SHOW YOUR COLORS, BUT NOT ALL OVER. TEAM SPORTS.

328

OH.

329

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT WAYS TO SHOW TEAM ALLEGIANCE NOW.

330

YOU CAN WEAR A TEAM HOODIE UNDER A BLAZER WITH A
PAIR OF FLATS, OR BOOTS.

331

- SHE WANTS TO REITERATE DO NOT TO WEAR THE FUCKING HEALS.
- BOOTS. DO NOT WEAR...

332

THIS IS ALL OF SUDDEN, BY THE WAY, VERY STRESSFUL.

333

NO, I KNOW.

334

OKAY, I CAN'T WEAR THIS, BUT I CAN WEAR THIS.

335

BUT THEN SHE GOES ON...

336

I WOULD COLLAPSE IN MY BED IF I READ THIS ARTICLE.

337

SHE SAYS, THOSE ARE EASY WAYS TO ROCK YOUR TEAM COLORS WITHOUT GOING FULL

338

ON JERSEY. SO SHE'S SAYING DON'T WEAR A JERSEY.

339

UM, NUMBER 6, WHEN IT COMES TO CHEERING, BRING IT ON.

340

YOU SHOULD BE AS SPIRITED OR AS QUIET AS YOU WANT.

341

I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO WEAR A JERSEY TO THE OPPOSING FANS HOUSE...

342

WHAT? GET YOUR FUCKING RULES STRAIGHT.

343

I MEAN COME ON...

344

DON'T WEAR A JERSEY...

345

WEAR A JERSEY...

346

SHE SAYS SHE WEARS A JERSEY TO THE OPPOSING FANS HOUSE WHICH IS OBNOXIOUS

347

COME TO THINK OF IT. MAYBE I'M NOT THE BEST PERSON TO GIVE ADVICE ABOUT

348

SPORTSMANSHIP. THEN NUMBER 6...

349

SO CALM DOWN...

350

SHE'S JUST LIKE A COOL GIRL. JUST CASUAL FUN.

351

SHE JUST SAYS WHAT'S ON HER MIND. THAT'S WHY WE LIKE HER. SHE'S JUST A TOM BOY.

352

MAYBE I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SPECIFIC ADVICE. MAYBE I'M THE WRONG PERSON.

353

SHE'S JUST A COOL...

354

MAYBE I'M GOING TO DO THE EXACT OPPOSITE.

355

SHE'S JUST A COOL TOM BOY ERIN. SHE'S JUST LIKE A HOT TOM BOY...LIKE WHO CARES...

356

LIKE WHATEVER. SHE'S LIKE ONE OF THE GUYS, AND SHE'S GOT BIG OLD TITTIES...

357

- EXACTLY.
- YEAH.

358

OKAY, NUMBER 10. IN THE END, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE TAILGATE. AS LONG

359

AS YOU HAVE SOME GREAT MUSIC, SOME GOOD FOOD, AND FOR THIS YEAR, A HEATER,

360

YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TAILGATING TIME. I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S A TIP...

361

SHE SHOULD'VE JUST SENT THIS TO LIKE CAA. BECAUSE THAT'S WHO WENT TO THE SUPER BOWL.

362

WHO HER CURRENT AGENT?

363

PEOPLE DON'T GO. NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T GO.

364

NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T GO TO THE SUPER BOWL.

365

NO, THEY ARE ALL LIKE VERY RICH, VERY RICH.

366

IT'S EVERYONE WHO HAS TAX SHELTERS IN JERSEY.

367

IT WAS SO FUNNY BECAUSE I DID MY USUAL THING WHERE I BOUGHT ABOUT A 100 TICKETS, AND

368

THEN I JUST GAVE THEM TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T FORTUNATE TO GO...

369

- TO ORPHANS?
- YEAH.

370

YEAH. HOW DO THEY FLY THERE THOUGH. YOU DIDN'T...

371

THAT WAS THE PROBLEM THEY WALKED...

372

- THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH SWEEPSTAKES...
- YEAH...

373

- KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- TOTALLY.

374

- HOW DO YOU GET THERE?
- YEAH.

375

ONCE THE SWAN COMES TO YOUR HOUSE AND GETS YOU,

376

AND YOU HAVE ALL THAT SURGERY,

377

YOU HAVE TO HAVE THOSE BREAST IMPLANTS DONE VERY 20 YEARS.

378

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE SWAN? THE REALITY SHOW THAT WAS ON FOR ONE SEASON IN 2004?

379

- ABSOLUTELY.
- YEAH, OKAY.

380

GOOD REFERENCE.

381

382

(SCREAMS)

383

384

I DON'T LOOK LIKE ME.

385

REMEMBER ON THAT SHOW WHEN...

386

I WATCHED EVERY EPISODE, NO JOKE.

387

ME TOO.

388

EVERY EPISODE OF THAT...

389

WHEN PEOPLE WOULD COME OUT, LIKE THERE OLD HUSBANDS WOULD BE LIKE,

390

(SCREAMS) I GOTTA NEW WIFE.

391

YEAH, YEAH.

392

AND THEY WOULD GO NUTS.

393

THAT'S SUCH A SAD SHOW.

394

UH, SO SAD.

395

IT'S JUST THAT AT THE END, ONE OF THEM, THEY WOULD JUST SAY,

396

YOU ARE NOT THE SWAN.

397

I FEEL LIKE THAT IS EQUALLED TO EXTREME, LIKE, THE HOME MAKEOVER SHOWS.

398

YES.

399

BECAUSE IN 5 YEARS, THOSE PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

400

WAIT, MY PLUMBING DOESN'T WORK.

401

YEP.

402

OH IT'S BECAUSE WE CAME IN AND REMODELED YOUR HOUSE IN 14 HOURS.

403

FOR A DOLLAR.

404

I THINK THESE TIPS ARE WEAK SAUCE.

405

YEAH. SURE.

406

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

407

BUFFALO WING.

408

BUFFALO WEAK SAUCE.

409

BUFFALO WING SAUCE.

410

YEAH. WEAK SAUCE.

411

YEAH.

412

THESE ARE MY TIPS FOR WOMAN, ANYBODY, WHO DON'T WANT TO BE AT

413

THE SUPER BOWL, BUT THEY ARE DOING IT FOR A SIGNIFICANT OTHER,

414

OR SOMEBODY ELSE, OR JUST TO HANG OUT,

415

BUT YOU WILL REALLY GOOD GIVE ZERO FUCKS.

416

RIGHT.

417

OKAY.

418

NUMBER 1 TIP. GET HIGH. FOR THIS SUPER BOWL BOTH TEAMS COULD LEGALLY GET HIGH...

419

THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO PUBLISH THIS ANYWHERE, JUST SO YOU KNOW.

420

YEAH, HARPER'S...

421

THAT'S NUMBER 1.

422

HARPER'S BRA-ZARRE.

423

OH. AND BE LIKE...

424

BE LIKE A BRA MAGAZINE.

425

THAT'S GREAT.

426

NUMBER 5, YOU CAN FIND A DOG OR A BABY THAT ALSO ISN'T IN TO THE GAME, AND

427

YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH THEM. BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING, SOMETIMES YOU ARE AT

428

A SUPER BOWL GAME, AND YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT CALL OF MIDWIFE, BUT A BABY

429

CAN'T WALK AWAY, AND A DOG CAN'T WALK AWAY.

430

YEAH.

431

NUMBER 8, GO HOME.

432

YEAH.

433

CALL AN UBER. CALL A MUSTACHE CAB.

434

GET THE FUCK OUT.

435

CALL A BICYCLE.

436

IF ANYBODY JUDGES YOU FOR NOT WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL, THAT

437

PERSON IS A BAD PERSON.

438

AGREED.

439

IF YOU DON'T WANNA GO WATCH THE SUPER BOWL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WATCH THE

440

SUPER BOWL.

441

YEP.

442

IT IS AMERICA, AND AS AMERICAN AS...

443

AMERICA IS...

444

IS THE CHOICE TO NOT WATCH THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL.

445

IS THAT IT? THERE'S 8?

446

NO.

447

THAT'S A WEIRD NUMBER ERIN.

448

8, BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING...

449

NO YOU DON'T...

450

I DON'T BREAK THEM UP TO MAKE THEM SEEM LIKE THERE'S 10.

451

NO YOU DON'T. YOU DON'T FOLLOW THE RULES, YOU MAKE THEM.

452

FUCK YOU. I'LL STOP AT 8 BITCH.

453

THAT'S RIGHT. DRAG QUEENS ARE COMING TO YOUR HOME TONIGHT NOW.

454

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