Starring Will Ferrell Will Forte Tim Heidecker Nick Kroll Brett Gelman Jon Daly Paul Scheer Brandon Johnson Bart McCarthy James Davis Scott Gairdner Seth Morris Ryan Perez Nick Corirossi Charles Ingram Alex Fernie Chris Kelly Written By the Funny Or Die Team Directed by Matt Villines and Oz Rodriguez Executive Producer Mike Farah Produced By Anna Wenger Director of Photography Kevin Atkinson Gaffer Jay Guffy Camera Operator Brian Lane Sound Bo Sundberg Hair Timon Cana Make-up Carla Farra First AD Tim Ketchersid Production Assistant Andrew Grissom
> Dear woman, we stand before you today
men committed to becoming more conscious
in every way.
> We feel deep love, great respect and a
growing sense of worship for the gifts of
We also feel deep sorrow about the
of the unconscious masculine in the past
> We want to apologize and make amends
for those actions
in order to bring forth a new era of
co-creation with you.
As I become more conscious, I grow more
aware of the play of masculine and
feminine energy within me, within you, and
in all of life.
Free and open like the sky.
> I commit to owning and stewarding a
masculinity that honors and celebrates us
> We can create great miracles together
by nurturing each other in a conscience
> Throughout history, men have unfairly
> Many of the men who have oppressed you
or abused you are no longer alive.
I apologize for them dying before they had
the chance to apologize.
> I honor your deep connection to the
> As men we apologize for social
constraints we've placed on your natural
> In the mid 80s, we discouraged you from
growing out a pelty bush.
We honor your musty thicket of wonders, as
we would a humid swamp in an equatorial
> When we nurture each other through our
bodies with awareness and
devotion, there are no boundaries to the
love that we can generate.
> We apologize for debasing you in all
pornography, whether it be guy on girl or
girl on guy.
> We're sorry if you don't find guy on
guy more appealing.
> I apologize that my masturbation
are not entirely respectful to your
Sometimes, when caught up in the throws of
I let my imagination drift to thoughts of
your nude body.
I apologize for the pain that my fantasies
must have caused you.
> Throughout time, male historians have
diminished your role in
world events, even retroactively revising
the gender of famous historical figures.
> Today, we acknowledge that several of
apostles and Benjamin Franklin were most
> I honor every part of your glorious
> From your uterine lining.
> Your Labia Majora.
> Your internal spermatic vessels.
> Your perinium.
> Your butthole.
> Even your duodenum.
> History is now our story.
> And it doesn't have to be meningitis.
It can be youingitis.
> Hysterectomy can be westerectomy.
> I apologize for all masculine offenses,
both conscious and especially unconscious.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I was unconscious.
> We have tortured you.
> We have burned you at the stake.
We have dropped you down very tall hills.
> I fucked your best friend.
I didn't tell you.
> Fed you food that was underfed or
cooked not at all.
> And performed lewd hip hop raps about
For these misdoings, we deserve to feel
nothing but hurt.
> As a woman, you are connected to the
soil and the dirt, the rocks and wind.
And I honor that.
> I honor your hair and will leave your
hair be where I find
it and not put it together into a wig and
wear it wherever I am.
> I know that by leaving the past behind
and joining hands in the present.
> We can create a synergy of strengths.
> Together, there is nothing we cannot
> We can make.
> Together, we can make miracles.