How many wrankles y'all see here?
Well, better wrankles than cankels,
that's what Loretta Jenkins always says.
Happy Me & Jesus birthday, y'all!
So for my Birthday/Christmas present
I bought for me this year on How I Seize It,
I went with this gal I met at church-
She gets those black market butt injections.
And I got me a little BoBo,
just in case the inevitability
that I'm gonna eventually end up
in the Hollywood HoHo/SoSos.
I mean goddamn!
I got a Tumblr now.
I don't really know what the fuck it is,
but I got one.
Now I know some people gets pissed
when they birthday gets
swallowed up by another holiday,
but NOT me.
Who the fuck wanna celebrate
gettin' closer to their expiration date?
I'd rather lose count
and have Death be a surprise!
I think we ought to just celebrate Death Days.
Then, if it's somebody's Death Day
that you don't particularly care about,
than you can just let them fade out your mind
like a Terminal Sunshine.
They never even existed.
I think we should just ban birthdays,
then I could go back to bein' 17 again
and get me a little barely legal somethin'-somethin'.
Man, do you remember when men
could just fuck and fuck
and now they gotta take boner pills
which ain't no good for middle agers noways,
cause about an hour,
he just layin' there clutchin' his chest
talkin' bout "Call 9-1-1!
Tell my wife & kids I love 'em!"
And I'm like,
will you just get on your drawers
and get the Hell out of here
so I can finish this myself.
You ain't got no respect for women!
Get on outta here!
I tell you I am always gonna be at a loss
on why birthday people eat on youngin' fatty snacks.
Like cake and ice cream to celebrate?
What hot girl ever ate that?
Just drink, geez!
You ever see Cindy Crawford
or Kathy Ireland
on a Playboy with a mouthful of chocolate icng?
And anybody out there ever say
"I'd rather be fat and happy-"
Well they ain't never looked like this,
I can tell you that much.
I lose count of my birthdays on purpose,
cause then I can stay current & relevant.
Who the fuck wanna be
a 100 year old crag on The Today Show.
Oatmeal dribblin' out your mouth,
Piddle dribblin' down your leg,
Self-Respect dribbling' out your ass...
I don't even know my actual birthdate.
Well y'all know by now
if you give a shit enough to pay attention,
that I got a Love/Hate relationship
with the damn Holidays.
By the way, it gets worse,
cause somewhere around all this
O Holy Night, O Tannenbaum,
O Christmas Tree, Auld Lang Syne,
Land o' Lakes, Kumbayaya Days,
is supposedly, allegedly, supposed to be
the birthday of yours truly here.
Now don't go gettin' all sentimental
or I'm gonna have to flick you in the jugular.
Like the other Messiah,
my birthdate is just the DMV's best guess
based on the fact they don't know how old I am
on a count of my good for nothin' goddamn Mamma
finally got her lazy ass up off the couch
from playin' Nintendo
to scuttle on down to the laundromat,
and finally somebody flagged her down
"Hey! Are you draggin' a baby behind you???"
Y'all know them pregnancies where the gal
act like she don't know she knock up
tip the baby come
cause she a whore and on drugs.
Yeah, that's my pride and joy Mamma Bitch!
Now what kind of lazy ho muffin' don't know
that they draggin' around an umbilical cord
with a sack of flesh hangin' off it
for days and days on end?
As you can see,
me and my momma got off
on the wrong foot from the get-go.
I'm just glad they was enough bee
spilled on her floo
for me to subsist on
until she finally notice I was there.
Yeah, so I'm a Miracle Baby,
just like The Baby Jesus.
But don't try and lay hands on me
like that brown Hindu preacher man-
I don't like a stranger's touch,
lessen ya tweet me a cock shot first.
That's my prerequisite.
That's just how it is!
Well enough of that trip down
Memories I Wish I Could Forget Lane…
Now what was you sayin' before that?
I don't like them kinda burps.
Did y'all member to click LIKE
and post my videos on your page
since today is my Birthday!
Don't make me do ALL the work!
Ain't I doin' enough keepin' you entertained
Fuck, don't nobody appreciate me.
Some of y'alls does post my shit
and I ain't talkin' to y'all.
How's about instead of comin' on my wall
and scribblin' your little dagga
carbon copy birthday greetings things.
Happy Birthday, Lo!
That ain't got NO originality!
You get off your fat ass
and you pimp my shit for a change!
That is the kind of birthday present
that really mean somethin'!
What good are fans
if they don't make you famous?
Get to work!
And that's How I Seize It!
And let's sing…
Happy Birthday to Loretta…