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Buying Condoms is never easy
Published May 13, 2010 4.1k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Rushi Kota, Nick Wilder, Ben Travers, Julie Tindell, David Blacker, John Soto, Rosie Moss, Mike Bleeker, Brad Fraizer
102 Funny Votes
58 Die Votes
4,125 Views
Published May 13, 2010
INT. BODEGA - NIGHT
People mill about, perusing the wares. At the counter are Feech, older and sleazy looking, and Sam, younger and on his way to looking like Feech. They are the owners of this bodega.
The door bell jingles as Walter, mid to late twenties, friendly but cautious looking, walks in.
FEECH And like that, she was gone...
No way...
SAM
FEECH ...Seriously!
SAM You’re my hero!
FEECH I know. Welcome sir to my fine
establishment!
SAM Our fine establishment.
FEECH What do you need?
SAM What do you want?
FEECH What do we have in stock?
Sam shrugs.
FEECH Seriously what do you need?
Walter looks around and waits for another customer to walk away.
WALTER
Uh. I... Walter nervously turns around to see if anyone is listening. The following happens in quick succession:
WALTER POV A priest is shaking his head in disappointment.
A black man is wearing a shirt that says “magnums” on it. He winks and gives Walter a “Thumbs up”.
A painfully young pregnant girl is holding a crying baby. She nods approvingly. The look on her face says “I wished I used them.”
BACK TO SCENE
WALTER I need...(whispers) condoms.
Feech and Sam smile.
SAM Somebody getting laid tonight!
FEECH That’s right, you my friend, are
going to get the sex. Sam and Feech celebrate. High five, chest bump, etc.
WALTER OK, uh, calm down...
Feech embraces Walter.
WALTER I, uh, OK, what are you doing?
FEECH Congratulations my man.
Feech shakes Walter’s hand with pride and throws his arm around Walter. Sam snaps off a quick photo.
WALTER ...oh, what the hell?
My turn!
SAM
They switch places - click - another photo. Before Walter can protest Feech types into his phone. Suddenly ring tones can be heard through out the store. Walter reacts.
2.
WALTER POV
A man on the other side of the store picks up his phone. After looking at it he turns toward Walter and gives the thumbs up.
BACK TO SCENE Feech gives him the thumbs up back.
I...
WALTER
A delivery man enters frame carrying a small package and a clip board.
Sign here.
DELIVERY MAN
He hands both to Sam while looking at his phone. He smiles, turns, and hugs Walter. He high fives Feech and Sam hands him the clip board. He exits frame. Walter stares at them.
WALTER I just want a box of condoms.
Walter points a generic brand on the rack behind the counter. Feech and Sam begin steering him to a large case next to the counter.
FEECH You don’t want those.
SAM Yeah you don’t want those.
WALTER I don’t? Why not?
FEECH When you buy from us, your dick is
our dick.
SAM And we only want the best for ou
dick. Right. She’s waiting in the car.
WALTER
3.
Both Sam and Feech look at each other and then out the window.
FEECH Good for you buddy, nice face.
SAM How is the body?
FEECH Does she give hand job?
What?
WALTER
FEECH I mean to you bro, not to everyone.
WALTER Can I just get some condoms?
SAM Don’t rush art.
FEECH Grandpa, keys!
An ancient man ambles over. It takes a ridiculously long time. Just when you think he’s made it, he takes even longer. When he gets there he turns a hidden case behind a sunglass rack.
FEECH Depending on what kind of person
you are, and the kind of woman you are with, we have the supplies to meet your needs.
He unlocks and opens up the case revealing a glowing interior much like the suit case in pulp fiction. We can’t see inside but we are made aware that it’s filled with specialty condoms that defy the imagination.
WALTER Is that what I think it is?
No.
SAM
The grandfather puts on a pair of sunglasses to protect his eyes from the glow.
4.
(Suggestion: Through out this scene people could be paying for items or waiting to pay for items.)
FEECH Now, did you pick this girl up
tonight or she your girlfriend?
WALTER I don’t see how that’s you
business.
SAM He picked her up tonight.
FEECH Yes, a man amongst men, scoring at
the club.
WALTER I...no...that’s not...
Feech pulls out a pointer and points to a position in the case.
FEECH And humble to boot. I recommend
the Le Shante’ an import from France. Extremely durable and very thin. You can fuck a barb wired fence with these and they’d never tear...
SAM ...feels like you are raw doggin
it. What?
WALTER
FEECH ...I even have this very brand with
a special vibrating tip on the off chance you actually care about pleasing her...
5.
SAM ...and if you don’t care, we have
these condoms from Italy, just as thin, but laced with a mild sedative so as soon as you exercise the demons she’ll fall asleep before she gets the chance to complain about you coming so fast...
FEECH ...you get a good nights sleep
minus the hour or two of useless banter.
SAM (girl’s voice) What did you do
today honey?
I...
FEECH
SAM (girl’s voice-interrupts)...that’s
nice, let me tell you about my day. Sam mimes falling asleep.
FEECH Finally she shuts up.
WALTER I’m not comfortable with thin
condoms.
FEECH Afraid of breakage, I see.
Sam and Feech look at each other and nod.
BOTH SAM AND FEECH Lady of the night.
No!
WALTER
SAM You are a good looking man, why pay
for sex? What? I...
WALTER
6.
SAM You shouldn’t pay for sex. I don’t
pay for sex. He does.
FEECH It’s true I do.
WALTER I am not paying fo
FEECH Never mind, we have this very occasion.
SAM The Desert Tent
sex. something fo
FEECH This condom comes straight out of
Tanzania. You wear them like boxer briefs and they cover not only your penis, but your torso from your knees to your solar plexus.
SAM ...one hundred percent effective in
protecting you from diseased prostitutes...
A woman walks up to pay for milk. She looks at Walter disapprovingly.
WALTER She is not a prostitute OK, we are
talking about my girlfriend here!
FEECH Ah! Girlfriend!
SAM Why didn’t you say so?
FEECH We have a fine selection of lamb
skin condoms.
WALTER No not lamb!
FEECH Why, is she a vegetarian?
7.
WALTER No, well yeah, but...
SAM Let’s hope she eats meat tonight!
They high five.
FEECH These will protect you against
pregnancy.
WALTER Lamb skin doesn’t protect against
disease.
SAM Oh, new girlfriend!
FEECH Don’t trust her yet, I see.
WALTER I trust her.
SAM How long have you been dating?
Two years.
Two years?
WALTER
BOTH SAM AND FEECH
They stare at Walter. A beat. Walter looks at the grandfather who smiles revealing he is missing his front teeth.
What?
WALTER
SAM Well. You have been dating her fo
two years. If you trust her, why would you still be using condoms?
WALTER Well, I...I want to be safe.
SAM Two years is pretty safe.
8.
WALTER I feel safe using condoms.
FEECH You think she’s cheating on you?
What? No!
WALTER
FEECH Well then get tested. With a clean
bill of health you can walk in the rain without a raincoat.
WALTER I just want a box of condoms.
FEECH It is our duty to help paranoid men
like yourself!
WALTER I am not paranoid!
SAM You’ve been with her two years...
FEECH ...we see it all the time...
SAM ...if she isn’t cheating, and you
trust her, then your problem is that you need a security blanket.
I do not.
WALTER
FEECH You are either afraid of pregnancy,
afraid of disease, or...
SAM ...you just don’t want to marry
her.
WALTER What ever, fine, give me the french
things. The thin ones?
SAM
9.
Yes.
WALTER
FEECH Ooh, A step forward!
SAM We have done well!
He slams the case shut and spins it back around to it’s original hidden position.
FEECH 15 dollars.
Walter hands him the money.
WALTER You guys should ease up your sales
approach.
FEECH We are educators of men, not sales-
men. Your security blanket sir. Feech hands Walter the bag with the condoms in it.
What ever.
WALTER
Walter swipes the bag and begins to walk out. He stops and comes back. He holds out the bag in front of him.
WALTER You sure these thin ones aren’t
going to break? They point at Walter as if they just caught him.
Ah!
BOTH SAM AND FEECH
WALTER Oh come on.
Walter turns to walk out again.
SAM Not even with a chain saw!
FEECH Fuck well my friend!
10.
SAM Please come again!
FEECH ...and again, and again, and again!
Walter bumps into a woman on the way out. He pushes his way through.
CUSTOMER WOMAN 1 Asshole, why don’t you watch where
you’re going? She walks up to the counter.
FEECH Yes hello! How can we be of
service?
CUSTOMER WOMAN 1 I’d like a box of...(whispers)
condoms.
Feech looks at Sam with raised eyebrows. He reaches behind him and grabs the box of condoms he told Walter not to get.
FEECH One box of latex condoms with
spermicide.
SAM 20 dollars.
CUSTOMER WOMAN 1 Do you have any, other brands?
No.
BOTH SAM AND FEECH
CUSTOMER WOMAN 1
Oh. Okay. They take the money, give her change, and hand her the bag.
She begins to walk out, but stops and looks back. Both Sam and Feech are looking at her reprehensibly. Embarrassed she quickly leaves the store.
SAM Women these days.
FEECH She shames her family.
11.
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