Jake Hames GREG Matt Brookens GILL Pamela Walt CINDY Haley Mancini MINDY Jake Jacobs GARY Ziggy Viens Extra Julie Viens Extra j Scott BOB Meghan Parks Gretchen Jenny Weatherup Extra Matt Brookens Director Dave Swuz 1st A.D. Ricardo Moreno DP Micah Zarlow 1st A.C. Phillip Bladh sound mixer Kelly Ambrow Sound/Boom Krysten Clark Lead Makeup Artist Matt Jevne Still Photographer Nick Bodkin PA Kristina Bigdeli PA Aaron Garcia Grip Ashley Hooker Makeup Assistant Gil Baron PA/Extra
Two lovely ladies dressed for hitting a club, CINDY and MINDY, arrive at the party. A group of people sing along to a rousing acoustic guitar chorus of “Hotel California” as lead by GARY, a d-bag.
(faking a smile) OMG. Look at all the guitars.. Mindy, I really can’t tonight.
Agreed, Cindy. This party’s lame even by my standards. One round then we bail.
GARY (continuing the song) You can check out any time you like... (Cindy and Mindy) but you can never leave! Lol! Whattup ladays?
CINDY AND MINDY
(bored) Hi Gary.
GARY There’s beer and dip in the kitch, but feel free to jayam with us! CINDY AND MINDY (bored) Thanks.
CINDY I’m texting my boyfriend to rescue us. (She iphones) I’m not feeling the “jayam” right now. Let’s go the kitchen.
Yeah. Maybe they have Jäger Bombs! INT. NIGHT. KITCHEN.
GILL, a cheese-dick, hands them two shots.
GILL Two Jäger Bombs for two chicks who ARE the bomb. Seriously, you two need to smile it up. It’s a partay!
CINDY AND MINDY Thanks Gill. (They down the shots)
Anything for my coupla... “Brown Eyed Girls!” Right? Haha! Right?
He busts out his acoustic guitar and sings “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison. Immediately people surround him and clap along as CINDY and MINDY recoil.
Hey where did we go, days when the rain came... Come on Cindy and Mindy!
CINDY (To Mindy) I really CAN’T right now. Let’s head out to the patio.
MINDY I’m gonna need some more Jäger bombs. I’ll catch up.
Seriously, don’t get too blasted. Rod Stewarts over here might start to look F-able.
MINDY Don’t worry. My doctor says I’m allergic to dousche.
CINDY You’re doctor better be right.
Look in my eyes. I AM ALLERGIC TO DOUSCHE.
You better have a strong negative reaction to dousche... and acoustic guitars.
Do you remember when we used to sing. Sha nananananananana la ti da!
CINDY AND MINDY Eww!
EXT. POOLSIDE PATIO. NIGHT.
Cindy stands by herself. She puts a cigarette to her lips and fishes for a light. Suddenly, a distant voice...
GREG (Singing “American Pie” by Don McClean) A long long time ago...
(frozen, eyes searching) Who’s there?
After a moment she keeps fishing in her purse.
GREG I can still remember when the music used to make me smile...
Fearful now, Cindy stands. A guitar neck with a lit match stuck to it thrusts forward, lighting her cigarette.
Skipping to the chorus! So bye bye miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the Levy but the Levy was dry. Hi, I’m Greg. Sing along, won’t you?
I’m sorry. I uh... forgot I have to go away. (She flees. Greg loses his smile and stares after her coldly) INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT.
Cindy dashes in, and sees a group of people clapping and singing to “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffet. She sees Gill facing away from her. She taps his shoulder.
CINDY Gill have you seen...
As Gill turns toward her, he reveals Mindy whom he had been making out with. Mindy’s eyes are glazed over.
MINDY Oh hey Cindy. Cool party, huh? CINDY
You said you were allergic to...
MINDY I am. But I’m not allergic to LOVE.
CINDY No... No! I can’t right now. I’m leaving!
Cindy runs to the door, throws it open and there’s Gary.
GARY Cindy, I don’t think you’re getting into the jayam. Kumbaya my Lord. Kumbaya!
He begins strumming urgently and advances toward Cindy. Panicking, she turns and bumps into Gill and his guitar.
GILL Girl, you know you want some Hootie and the Blowfish! I wanna hold your haaaand.
Pushing him aside, she throws open the window revealing GRETCHEN who is standing outside with a guitar.
GRETCHEN Hey beautiful. “Come to my window!” (Melissa Etheridge)
Horrified, Cindy turns to see a mass of guitar people advancing zombie-like, strumming along. In terror, she punches Gary’s guitar. CINDY Tai BO!
The blow shatters Gary’s guitar. Without pause, he reaches over his shoulder, pulls another guitar out and continues playing. Cindy screams! She falls over a chair. Stumbles backward. She produces her iphone.
Have some techno, bitches! No lyrics! And no guitar! Hahaha!!!
They recoil holding their ears as the iphone pumps out some club classic.
(Ears bleeding) It’s souless!!!
GARY It reveals my inability to dance!
Greg bellows and grabs the phone, putting it in his mouth and eating it.
Oh my god, my phone! Suddenly there is a knock on the door. It opens.
It’s Cindy’s boyfriend, Bob. Hello? Is anyone here?
The hall is empty now. Then, in a shot by shot recreation from The Shining, Gary leaps from hiding and slams his guitar into Bob’s chest, killing him.
GARY Heeeeeeeere’s Johnny... Melenkamp! Little ditty bout Jack and Diaaannne.
Oh my god, my boyfriend!
The guitar people descend upon her.
Come now. It’s time to clap your hands.
Mindy makes a sobbing Cindy clap her hands to the music.
Remember what I said, Cindy. You can check out anytime you like but...
EXT. PATIO. NIGHT.
The whole party singing and clapping soulessly.