Guitar Party Nightmare

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Matt Brookens

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GUITAR PARTY NIGHTMARE
by Matt Brookens

EXT. NIGHT. BACKYARD PATIO.

Two lovely ladies dressed for hitting a club, CINDY and MINDY, arrive at the party. A group of people sing along to a rousing acoustic guitar chorus of “Hotel California” as lead by GARY, a d-bag.

CINDY
(faking a smile)
OMG. Look at all the guitars.. Mindy, I really can’t tonight.

MINDY

Agreed, Cindy. This party’s lame even by my standards. One round then we bail.

GARY
 (continuing the song) You can check out any time you like... (Cindy and Mindy) but you can never leave! Lol! Whattup ladays?

CINDY AND MINDY

(bored) Hi Gary.

GARY
 There’s beer and dip in the kitch, but feel free to jayam with us!
 CINDY AND MINDY
 (bored) Thanks.

CINDY
 I’m texting my boyfriend to rescue us. (She iphones) I’m not feeling the “jayam” right now. Let’s go the kitchen.

MINDY

Yeah. Maybe they have Jäger Bombs!
 INT. NIGHT. KITCHEN.
GILL, a cheese-dick, hands them two shots.

GILL
 Two Jäger Bombs for two chicks who ARE the bomb. Seriously, you two need to smile it up. It’s a partay!

CINDY AND MINDY
 Thanks Gill. (They down the shots)

GILL

Anything for my coupla... “Brown Eyed Girls!” Right? Haha! Right?
He busts out his acoustic guitar and sings “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison. Immediately people surround him and clap along as
CINDY and MINDY
 recoil.

GILL
(CONT’D)
Hey where did we go, days when the rain came... Come on Cindy and Mindy!

CINDY
 (To Mindy) I really CAN’T right now. Let’s head out to the patio.

MINDY
 I’m gonna need some more Jäger bombs. I’ll catch up.
CINDY
Seriously, don’t get too blasted. Rod Stewarts over here might start to look F-able.

MINDY
 Don’t worry. My doctor says I’m allergic to dousche.

CINDY
 You’re doctor better be right.
MINDY
Look in my eyes. I AM ALLERGIC TO DOUSCHE.
CINDY
You better have a strong negative reaction to dousche... and acoustic guitars.

GILL

Do you remember when we used to sing. Sha nananananananana la ti da!

CINDY AND MINDY
 Eww!

EXT. POOLSIDE PATIO. NIGHT.
Cindy stands by herself. She puts a cigarette to her lips and fishes for a light. Suddenly, a distant voice...

GREG
 (Singing “American Pie” by Don McClean) A long long time ago...

CINDY
(frozen, eyes searching) Who’s there?
After a moment she keeps fishing in her purse.

GREG
 I can still remember when the music used to make me smile...
Fearful now, Cindy stands. A guitar neck with a lit match stuck to it thrusts forward, lighting her cigarette.

GREG
 (CONT’D)
Skipping to the chorus! So bye bye miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the Levy but the Levy was dry. Hi, I’m Greg. Sing along, won’t you?

CINDY

I’m sorry. I uh... forgot I have to go away. (She flees. Greg loses his smile and stares after her coldly)
 INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT.
Cindy dashes in, and sees a group of people clapping and singing to “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffet. She sees Gill facing away from her. She taps his shoulder.

CINDY
 Gill have you seen...
As Gill turns toward her, he reveals Mindy whom he had been making out with. Mindy’s eyes are glazed over.

MINDY
 Oh hey Cindy. Cool party, huh?
 CINDY
You said you were allergic to...

MINDY
 I am. But I’m not allergic to LOVE.

CINDY
 No... No! I can’t right now. I’m leaving!
Cindy runs to the door, throws it open and there’s Gary.

GARY
 Cindy, I don’t think you’re getting into the jayam. Kumbaya my Lord. Kumbaya!

He begins strumming urgently and advances toward Cindy. Panicking, she turns and bumps into Gill and his guitar.

GILL
 Girl, you know you want some Hootie and the Blowfish! I wanna hold your haaaand.
Pushing him aside, she throws open the window revealing
GRETCHEN
 who is standing outside with a guitar.

GRETCHEN
 Hey beautiful. “Come to my window!” (Melissa Etheridge)

Horrified, Cindy turns to see a mass of guitar people advancing zombie-like, strumming along. In terror, she punches Gary’s guitar.
 CINDY
 Tai BO!

The blow shatters Gary’s guitar. Without pause, he reaches over his shoulder, pulls another guitar out and continues playing. Cindy screams! She falls over a chair. Stumbles backward. She produces her iphone.

CINDY (CONT’D)

Have some techno, bitches! No lyrics! And no guitar! Hahaha!!!
They recoil holding their ears as the iphone pumps out some club classic.

GILL
(Ears bleeding) It’s souless!!!

GARY
 It reveals my inability to dance!

Greg bellows and grabs the phone, putting it in his mouth and eating it.

CINDY

Oh my god, my phone!
 Suddenly there is a knock on the door. It opens.

BOB

It’s Cindy’s boyfriend, Bob. Hello? Is anyone here?
The hall is empty now. Then, in a shot by shot recreation from The Shining, Gary leaps from hiding and slams his guitar into Bob’s chest, killing him.

GARY
 Heeeeeeeere’s Johnny... Melenkamp! Little ditty bout Jack and Diaaannne.
CINDY
Oh my god, my boyfriend!
The guitar people descend upon her.

MINDY

Come now. It’s time to clap your hands.
Mindy makes a sobbing Cindy clap her hands to the music.

GARY

Remember what I said, Cindy. You can check out anytime you like but...

EXT. PATIO. NIGHT.
The whole party singing and clapping soulessly.

ALL

You can never leave.


THE END?