Starring Sarah Silverman, Tom Lennon, John Cho, Dave Holmes, "Weird" Al Yankovic, Jenny Lennon and Alex Fernie Written by Thomas Lennon Directed & Edited by Justin Donaldson G&E Brian Lane G&E David Cronin Composer: Mike Farrell Make up by Shauna Ballantine O'Toole Produced by Lauren Palmigiano Production Assistant Sam Varela Special Thanks David Lincoln
John Cho: There's talk about repealing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell', it...would be okay to be gay in our military. Well, let me tell you something. When the sh*t hits the fan, and the Taliban decides to nuke us, I don't wanna be down there in a foxhole and see that everybody's knocking down appletini's watching Sex And The City 2.
John Cho: Wasn't even as good as the first one.
Sarah Silverman: I don't think you can fit in the cockpit of an F-16 if you're wearing a tutu, and I don't think it's safe. My tax dollars paid for that jet, and I don't want some gay flying it in his little pink tutu. Now you probably think that means I don't want ballerinas in our military. Not true. I actually think there are scenarios, especially like, espionage-type assassination missions where we need ballerinas behind enemy lines.
Sarah Silverman: I just don't want them to be weird gay fruits.
Dave Holmes: We're fighting two wars. All right? We got a stack a mile high of intelligence and we don't have enough people to translate it. All right? Our country's in a recession and investigating and discharging gay soldiers, and recruiting and training their replacements. It's cost us three hundred and sixty three million dollars.
Dave Holmes: And two guys kissing is gross.
"Weird" Al Yankovic: Nightmare scenario. I've got Osama Bin Laden in my sights. The openly gay guy next to me catches a whiff of my Axe body spray. He can't help but try and kiss me!
Jenny Lennon: If we let gays serve this country, are we all gonna have to start taking showers with our clothes on? Because I for one do not want to see a naked gay. I'm in a shower with a straight lady and it's like yeah, hey. Whatever. I'm in the shower with a gay lady all of a sudden it's like, oh, your body looks soft. You're soapy. I don't want a gay lady making me think like that!
Alex Fernie: First, we let in openly gay people into the military. Next, chihuahuas wearing sequined vests. That's just math! Okay?! What's next? Unicorns wearing Capri pants?
Thomas Lennon: Army uniform on a gay. [Laughing] I'm sorry, but that, that's, that would be like, like, that would be like, like this mustache on a gay guy. [Laughing] Or this motorcycle jacket. It'd be wrong. And weird.
Sarah Silverman: While none of us have actually served our country...
John Cho: We know exactly who we don't want doing it for us.