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Swore to gods I'd never share screentime wiff diss tenshun hungry hore again affer... more »
Published August 30, 2013 36 views More Info »
LORETTA:
Hey!
Well, you know why you're here.
I'm Loretta Jenkins
and this is How I Seize It.
(burps)
Oh shoot!
I forgot I was supposed to class it up
in case they's any suits out there
what's wantin' to offer me
an industry development deal or somethin'.
Y'all know trailer parks
is comin' back into fashion,
and you better "Whoo Whoo!"
Get on the train!
I'm gonna try to refine myself now
that folks is takin' me seriously
as a comic genius
and a common sense juggernaut.
(burps)
Shit, I imagine any day now
Ed McMahon gonna come
knockin' at my doo
with that big-ass check. Yeah!
I ought to spruce up
and get some etiquette and shit
in case the Obamas
invites me over for dinner
or some shit like that.
Hey, don't get me wrong.
I love bein' a cult hero and all
but shit I still got bills to pay
and beer ain't free, you know?
Am I right?
Hell, I can't even remembe
half of my fake social security numbers
how am I supposed to remembe
how to talk all proper and shit, too?
I only use 10% of my brain!
I'm gonna have to get this little
itty-bitty-tittied snooty VGG Yankee gal over here
to see if she can't teach me
some Miss Manners booyah.
Bullcrap I mean.
What did I say?
I'm sorry to have to subject y'all
to her horrific face,
but just drink a lot, you'll get used to it.
Like anybody that has to fuck her does!
(laughs)
I think she might be related
to the Elephant Man.
She is not an animal!
(laughs)
(text message alert)
(reading)
"What's the magic word?"
Uhh, NOW you Fugly-
Wonder Twin Powers…Aggravate!
(boing)
VGG: Oh Loretta,
you're such a card!
We all know I am not F-bomb ugly.
And the magic word everyone is please.
LORETTA: Hey! These my DB's out here.
They ain't a short bus of 'tarded kids.
You ain't got to dummy it down for 'em!
'Cept for maybe Marianne over there,
cause she like a little too much cough syrup
in her coffee sometimes.
VGG: Loretta, we talked about this remember?
Use the alternative.
The R-Word.
LORETTA: You are a freakin' R-Word, betta?
VGG: Hi everyone, I'm VGG.
Short for Virginia.
LORETTA: (laughing) Whoever name
their youngin' after a vagina?
VGG: It's getting old, that line Loretta.
Just like the lines on your face!
LORETTA: Is you related to Pussy Galore?
VGG: I won't even-
No!
So Loretta, I see you got yourself
somethin' to drink.
Don't you offer your guests anything?
LORETTA: A swift kick in your kid-shitter!
(laughs)
VGG: Considering what kind of a guest
you were on my show,
I already knew you probably
wouldn't have anything for me.
So I decided to bring my own.
LORETTA: Hey I don't want no Jew coffee on my set!
VGG: It's a good thing for you I'm Catholic.
(laughs)
Loretta has asked me to come here and spread VGG's-
LORETTA: HA! Spread VGG's!
(SHOCK)
Ow! That was that Vagina?
(SHOCK)
OW!!!
VGG: While you were passed out
in our brush up session yesterday,
I affiliated you with a Behavior Modification Device,
which shocks you-
(SHOCK)
-anytime you break one of
Miss VGG's Rules for Socially Inept & Wayward Womens.
LORETTA: Well where'd you put that?
(gasps)
You rapist!
VGG: It wasn't no picnic for me.
BTW…you might need a trim down there.
You might wanna call my cousin Lola.
She specializes in that.
LORETTA: It's a condition!
VGG: She's half-Russian, too!
(laughs)
Well, we could do another make-over!
I bet all your drinkin' buddies saw the one
where you were on Coffee Talk
and I gave you a fabulous NY make-over.
We could do it again.
LORETTA: I looked like a Jersey turd.
VGG: It's better than lookin' like Skankarella!
LORETTA: I thought mumblin' was rude-
(SHOCK)
OWWWW!!!
VGG: It is.
LORETTA: What the heck was that?
Who are you?
Did you slip me somethin'?
You look like a lesbo-recruiter to me.
VGG: I don't even have carpets in my house.
I have hard wood.
(SHOCK)
(screams)
I break down my etiquette crash course
into three separate target areas
that I thought Loretta needed the most assistance-
LORETTA: I ain't on no damn assistance!
Oh please!
Please don't buzz me again.
VGG: That's better.
Her three areas were:
Language, Couth & Dining.
LORETTA: Dining?
Hey, hold up.
I don't eat, Caprice?
VGG: The word is capiche.
That is ridiculous, Loretta.
How are you even alive?
LORETTA: I got my ways.
And if I got a deal with the Devil
that is my business-
(SHOCK)
Awww that felt good!
VGG: That felt…good?
LORETTA: I'm a super villain,
what the FRICK that mean to me?
What'd I just say?
VGG: See! You didn't swear.
Everyone, I have eliminated profanity
from Loretta's language.
LORETTA: Like double hockey sticks you did!
VGG: Voila! It works!
LORETTA: What the FRICK?
You stupid BALLOON!
Mona! Margie! Help me out here!
Possess me you useless balloons!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Spooky Music & SCREAMS)
"The rain in Spain fall mainly on the plane!"
Darling, would you be a dea
and get my purse?
VGG: Oh yeah, here Loretta.
How polite of you to ask.
Can you believe it, folks!
See what VGG's Rules of Orde
can do for somebody
as disgusting and low-life as this woman,
imagine what it can do for you!
Just send me $49.99 plus shipping and-
AHHHHHHHH!!!!
(music)
LORETTA: Hey, I don't think my personality
well-suited to sharin' the spotlight, does you?
And that's How I Seize It.
VGG: And this is How I Seize It!
(SHOCKS)
AHHH!
LORETTA: Gimme that goddamn trigger.
VGG: Oh my God, Loretta!
(screams)
LORETTA: Gimme that goddamn trigger!
I'll get it one way or another.
VGG: You freakin' lunatic!
(SHOCK)
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

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