Chris Martin does stand-up comedy at Cafe Diem in Richmond, VA August 3, 2009. He... more »


My name is Chris Martin. How’s everybody doing? And now for the rest of the story. The Taco Bell Chihuahua died heroically in a shoot-out with the Speedy Gonzales drug cartel after going undercover to take a bite out of crime. It was an even more dangerous assignment than his previous, which was to infiltrate Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring. Hollywood is making a movie about his exploits called “Barksky & Hutch.” I always said his bark was worse than his burrito. His last words: “Don’t Bogart that Chalupa.” Desi Arnaz and Bill Dana greeted him at the Pearly Gates. Hopefully, he’ll be joined soon by Carlos Mencia and Guillermo the parking lot security guard.

The Cambridge, Massachusetts Police Department may be out of control. The Big Bad Wolf held a news conference today to complain about racial profiling. Mr. Wolf was arrested after a boy called 911 to report someone suspicious on the front porch of the Three Little Pigs’ house.

Obama has updated the NWA protest song to “Have a beer with tha’ police.” Three men walk into the White House bar. Obama says, “I’ll have a dialogue about race in America.” Sergeant James Crowley of the Cambridge Police Department says, “I’ll have an Irish coffee.” Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates says, “I’ll have a hissy fit.”
A lot of people don’t know this, but I came up with the idea for a show called “Copts.” It turns out there wasn’t a big market for a series about Egyptian Christians so Fox took it in another direction.

Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha walked into a bar. The bartender said, “What’ll you have?” Jesus said, “I’ll have a Rusty Nail and a Bloody Mary.” Mohammed said, “I’ll have a Virgin drink.” Buddha said, “Who do I have to kill to get out of this joke?”

The “Cash for Clunkers” program ran out of money. I’m waiting for the “Cash for Drunkards” program myself.
Under the Obama health care plan, you’ll still be covered if you get sick. Under the Sarah Palin health care plan, you’ll be abandoned on an ice floe. How about a steel cage sudden death match between the 9/11 Truthers and the Birthers? May the best conspiracy win.

Has anyone seen the latest Harry Potter movie, “Harry Potter and the Who Gives a Rat’s Ass”?

If I had a rocket launcher, I’d join the National Rifle Association. If clothes make the man, then I’m a cheap bastard. I didn’t go to the Purple Martin Festival in Shockoe Bottom because I firmly believe auto-erotic asphyxiation should be performed in the privacy of your own home.

So I saw this ad on Facebook that said, “Find out who’s been searching for you.” Underneath the headline was a photo of a large-breasted young woman. What a coincidence. I’ve been looking for large-breasted young women on the Internet and all along they’ve been looking for me. That’s my time. Thank you.