There are many things you should say when you first see your friend's new baby. These are not them.

Full Credits

Written by Zack Poitras
Directed by Matt Mayer and Zack Poitras
Starring: Zack Poitras, Kelly Hudson, Amy Heidt, Ego Nwodim, Dan Black and Honora Talbot
Producer: Rob Hatch-Miller
Editor: Matt Mayer
Director Of Photography: Ryan Bender
Production Designer: David Enriquez
Production Coordinator: Nabeer Khan
1st AC: Craig Schumacher
Gaffer: Matt Krueger
Key Grip: Danny Rosenberg
Sound Mixer: Danny Carpenter, BoTown Sound
Hair & Make Up: Laura Morton
PAs: Valentina Albano and Jake Maziar

Stats & Data

August 10, 2017


- Wow, what do we have here!
- This is your aunt Amy.
- Oh.
(plucked string music)
That's um, that's what you wanted, huh?
- Oh, hey, hey , hey!
You're back!
Is that a baby or a diseased squash, right?
- Is he gonna grow into his head?
- It's clearly...
It's clearly a baby when I look at it now.
- You had to have sex to make that? (laughs)
I hope it was good.
- It's like a puppy, you know?
That I don't want anywhere near me.
- I just want to throw grapes in that mouth, it's so agape.
- I think some fur would help.
- I think your baby is anorexic.
- It's probably good to get him some
self defense classes now though, right?
- Does he have a tail?
- Because YOU
are getting bullied.
- Look like you've been to war. (laughs)
- Like I just picture the horrible things
they're gonna say to you.
- You know how when you make a batch of cookies
and you take 'em out of the oven and they're all burnt?
Is that how you felt when you took him out of your vagina?
- (sighs) Must be such a burden.
- Does your baby know any tricks yet?
- Looks like you've dropped him on his head
a few times already, huh?
(baby crying)
- Are you crying 'cause you're hungry
or 'cause you don't like your mommy?
- Aww, buddy,
you look like a deflated football.
- I actually don't know if I've ever tried this.
Oh, whatever.
- When will you know if it's gay?
You gonna know soon or?
- Do you have the hots for mama or dada?
- Oh that baby is gay as hell.
That baby is checking me out.
That baby is trying to fuck me. (laughs)
It's okay.
I'm not gonna fuck your baby, chill. (laughs)
- I mean I don't think you can oversexualize a baby.
- What's his dick like?
- Can I touch the baby,
on his hand not like on his dick or anything?
- You like the suckin' on that boob?
Or you like dada?
- Quite the grip.
You must jerk off a lot.
I mean why not, right?
Feels good.
- Hey.
I love babies.
I got two of my own at home.
Not ugly like this one.
- It's weird 'cause I know it's not coughing,
but it looks like it's always coughing.
- Did you gave birth to this thing or did you shit it out?
- Do you like pray at night that he'll become
more attractive someday?
- This thing looks worse than a crime scene I was just at,
and that thing was a triple homicide.
I mean this baby looks and feels like,
frankly, the holocaust.
- Oh.
Yeah, alright.
Ohh, wow.
- It's kinda thrilling getting close to something
you're so scared of.
Hi, little guy.
- His face is really fucked up.
- You know it's worse up close.
- Who is gonna get bullied?
You're gonna get bullied.
- This is like looking into the mirror at my hemorrhoids.
- You got your father's dead eyes.
- You are not gonna have a good life.
- So damn cross-eyed.
- You got a depressed baby.
- If you wanna opt out, I could give you my gun right now.
- Alright, yeah, I gotta get outta here.
This is a motherfucking freak.