Discovery Health Plan

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MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
T minus one.  This is Houston, Discovery.  You are go for launch. Over. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Copy that.  Go for launch.  Houston, we are go for launch.  Over. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
We have ignition.  Discovery, you are go for roll. Over. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Go for roll.  Roger.  Rock and Roll. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Roll maneuver complete.  Discovery, go for throttle up.  Over. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Go for throttle up. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Houston, this is Discovery.  From the looks of things you've got blue skies in Texas, Houston. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.)
Roger that, Discovery.  How's the bird?  Go for systems check.  Over. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Roger that.  Go for systems check.  We are GREEN ACROSS THE BOARD.  I'm going to take the CANADARM out and have a look at the craft, OVER. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Roger.  Go for CANADIAN ARM, EH? 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Wait.  I've got a red light here, Houston.  Looks like the CANADIAN ARM has a sprained wrist.  You reading that?  Over. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Copy that, Discovery.  CANADIAN ARM has got a squeaky solenoid.  Go for 
hull inspection, over. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Go for inspection.  What do you want me to do about this red light, Houston?  Over. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
When you get to the space station, take Discovery in to see the Canadian Astronaut, Robert Thirsk.  Bob Thirsk will take care of you.  He's got you covered on the CANADARM. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Copy that.  Taking Discovery in to see the Canadian doctor.  Over. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Houston, do you see this?  Looks like Discovery lost some protective tiles on the ride up.
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Copy that, Discovery.  We see it. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Standing by for instructions, over. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Discovery, could you reach over and open the glove box and take out your insurance and registration? 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Copy that.  Insurance and registration, over. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Can I get the name of your insurance company and the policy number?  Over. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Kaiser Aerospacenti.  6XX6969.  Over. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Hold please.   Discover, we've got a problem.  Looks like a problem with the insurance coverage on those nose tiles.  Could I get a credit card number from you?  Just a precaution.  You probably won't need it. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
I'm sorry, Houston.  My credit cards are back on Earth with my keys and my condoms. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
But that can't be right.  I know I paid the extra premium for nose tile loss and damage. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Copy that. You do have coverage, but technically since you're in orbit your policy doesn't cover it. You're covered for nose tile loss or damage just as long as it's within 50 miles of your place of residence. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Can't we just change my official residence to the International Space Station? 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Negative, Discovery.  That's not going to fly.  Over. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Houston, can you dial out on a land line for me? 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Copy that.  I'm dialing Kaiser now-- 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Not Kaiser.  Get my wife on the horn.  She's the one that takes care of these things.  I'm an astronaut, dammit, not an accountant. 
WOMAN (V.O.) 
Hello? 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
Hello ma'am.  Sorry to disturb you at home, but we've got an important call to patch in from the Captain of the Discovery.  I assume y'all know each other? 
WOMAN (V.O.) 
Hi Honey! 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Great to hear your voice Edna, listen-- 
WOMAN (V.O.) 
You wearing that long underwear I packed for you darling?
PILOT (V.O.) 
Sure am.  You were right it is cold up here in outer space. Listen... do you remember when I told you to get the full coverage for pilot loss and damage?  The whole package? 
WOMAN (V.O.) 
Of course, dear.  And I did.  Paid the bill last week. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Copy that.  Mission Control says we're not covered for loss of nose cone tiles. 
WOMAN (V.O.) 
Of course we are dear. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
But he says we're only covered within 50 miles of our place of residence. 
WOMAN (V.O.) 
Well yes, dear.  But I read the mission logs and damage to the nose cone tiles is extremely rare and when it does occur, 97% of the time it's during re-entry.  So I thought I'd save us a few billion by eliminating the travel coverage.  We both know how much you hate to leave Dallas, dear. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Copy that.  But you should have told me about this. 
WOMAN (V.O.) 
I did tell you, dear.  It was the third quarter of the Rockets game.  They were up by seven at the half and I told you all about this when I brought out the Cheetos and the seven layer dip. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Oh, right.  Mission Control:  we're not covered.  What do you want me to do? 
NASA (V.O.) 
Discovery.  This is NASA Chief Administrator.  I just talked to President Obama and we have a plan.  Proceed to rendezvous with the International Space Station at 0900 hours. 
(then) 
Take Canadian Astronaut Robert Thirsk on board.  He will accompany you to Toronto.  Over. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Houston?  Excuse me, Toronto?  Over. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
(coughs) 
Copy that.  Toronto.  Once you have Canadian Astronaut Bob Thirsk onboard, we want you to set Space Shuttle Discovery down on the four-oh-one just outside of Toronto, Canada. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Copy that.  Putting Discovery down on interstate four oh one.  Over. 
MISSION CONTROL (V.O.) 
They'll be suspicious at first, but just tell them you're American tourists and the Discovery is having some health problems.  But the important thing is:  let them find the missing nose tiles. Act like you never knew about that.  They'll fix up Discovery.  Best part about it is, it won't cost a cent.  They've got great coverage up there.  Over. 
PILOT (V.O.) 
Copy that Houston.  Taking Discovery in for Canadian Health Care.  Over.