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Full Credits

Starring: Will Ferrell
Featuring Colton Dunn and Billy Merritt
Writers: Adam McKay & Chris Kelly
Director: Danny Jelinek
Executive Producer: Mike Farah
Producer: Anna Wenger
DP: Brian Lane
Sound Mixer: Bo Sundberg
Gaffer: Tony Cepero-Lopez
Camera Operator: Zach Zdziebko
Editor: Danny Jelinek
Make-up and Hair: Shauna O'Toole
Costume Designer: Aubrey Binzer
1st AD: Rachel Goldenberg
PA: Liam White


[Footsteps and clinking plates]
Will Ferrell: Good evening.
Tonight, as of
Will Ferrell: fourteen hundred hours
military time, I can
Will Ferrell: report to America, the
world, and the folks here
Will Ferrell: at this Sizzler Steakhouse
on Canyon Ranch Road,
Will Ferrell: right outside of my gate
guarded community here in
Will Ferrell: Dallas, Texas, where I also
frequently eat lunch,
Will Ferrell: that I have personally
overseen a strategic and
Will Ferrell: covert operation that
killed the gopher who's
Will Ferrell: been tearin' up my
Will Ferrell: This gopher has been
Will Ferrell: for terrorizing Laura's
fruit trees and diggin' up
Will Ferrell: holes all over the yard,
causing me to trip and fall
Will Ferrell: over them no less than
fifteen times a day.
Will Ferrell: You know what?
Will Ferrell: Hey, buddy, go around.
Just go around.
Will Ferrell: None of us will ever
forget that day
Will Ferrell: when that little sucker
first reared its gopher head.
Will Ferrell: I was reading Us
Magazine on the toilet when
Will Ferrell: I heard a scuffle outside
and ran to find my copy of,
Will Ferrell: of the Dallas Morning Union
Tribune Ledger Guardian
Newspaper was missing.
Will Ferrell: Then two years ago, a
reliable source, my
Will Ferrell: gardener, Hilberto
Dimondia, identified a head
Will Ferrell: gopher who I named Ardilla,
because that's Spanish for
Will Ferrell: gopher. And it's also real
fun to say.
Will Ferrell: Then, last August, after
years of painstaking work,
Will Ferrell: by my white staff, and my
Mexican staff, I was
Will Ferrell: briefed on a possible lead
to Ardilla.
Will Ferrell: We found out he was hidin'
deep inside a hole just one
Will Ferrell: hundred yards north of the
jacuzzi hot tub area.
Will Ferrell: Today, at my direction,
Hilberto Dimondia, my
Will Ferrell: gardener slash guy who
helps me get down from my
Will Ferrell: horse, Chocolate Thunder,
went in and rooted out the
Will Ferrell: gopher while I watched
through the blinds of my second kitchen.
Will Ferrell: After a ferocious forty
minute firefight involving
Will Ferrell: a lot of hissing, a garden
hose, and a rake, my staff
Will Ferrell: killed Ardilla the gopher
and took custody of his body.
Will Ferrell: The gopher was buried in
accordance with gopher
Will Ferrell: burial traditions. He was
wrapped in a bathroom mat
Will Ferrell: and thrown in my
neighbor's yard.
Will Ferrell: So, I repeat, Ardilla the gopher is dead.
Will Ferrell: God bless America. And God
bless this Sizzler.
Will Ferrell: Although, it would be
better if this Sizzler had
Will Ferrell: a taco bar. Some of
them do.
Colton Dunn: Sir, uh, they've killed
Osama Bin Laden.
Will Ferrell: They got Bin Laden?! Well,
that's two good things!
Colton Dunn: There also is a
taco bar here.
Will Ferrell: There's a taco bar here?!
That's three good things!
Will Ferrell: This is a great day
for America!
Will Ferrell: How did I miss it? Show me
where it is.
Colton Dunn: It's right this way.
Will Ferrell: I don't know how I would've
missed it.
Colton Dunn: I know.
Will Ferrell: I combed this place over, you know.
Colton Dunn: Yeah, I understand, sir.