Jonathan loves three things: cornrows, turquoise seawater, and Game of Thrones.

Full Credits

Starring - Jonathan Van Ness
Featuring - Jennie Pierson
Director - Erin Gibson
Producers - Matt Mazany and Ross Buran
Writers - Erin Gibson, Mark Rennie, Gilli Nissim, Matt Mazany
Lead Editor - Joan Ford
Editor and Graphics - Kat Palardy
Director of Photography - Jenn Cohen
Production Designer - Flower Cole
Gaffer - Matt Kruger
Make Up and Hair - Emily Rae
Sound Mixer - Ryan Kaiser

Transcript

Jonathan Van Ness: Oh my God Jennie. Did you watch
Game of Thrones this week?
Jennie Pierson: Um, am I single
and loving it?
Jennie Pierson: Yes!
♪ [Theme Music] ♪
Jonathan Van Ness: First we had Sansa Fierce.
She was madder than a wet hen
Jonathan Van Ness: when she gets an urgent text
message from Earl Grey to go
Jonathan Van Ness: down to the Anthropologie barn
so she can give him the
Jonathan Van Ness: full Mariska Hargitay
interrogation treatment.
What do you think he did to me?
[Law and Order Sound]
Jennie Pierson: And Baby K-Stew goes down to see
Adam Sandler's remake of Game of Thrones.
I dare you!
[Gibberish]
I double dare ya!
[Gibberish]
Huh?
Terrific.
Jennie Pierson: I hated that baby dick on
that Game of Thrones.
It's a wart.
Jennie Pierson: If we're going to see a dick,
show me an adult man dick.
Jennie Pierson: Well, hopefully we wouldn't
see it bit into.
- Although. Yeah.
- Although, I wouldn't put it...yeah.
Jonathan Van Ness: And next we find out that Klingon
Tila Tequila is the employee
Jonathan Van Ness: of the month for Greenpeace who kick starts
the White Walkers to save the environment.
We were at war.
Our sacred tree was cut down.
We need to defend ourselves.
Jonathan Van Ness: Meanwhile, back in Seattle, Lena
Dunham is vying to become
Jonathan Van Ness: the first female cheer captain of
her squad in the fiercest
Jonathan Van Ness: AllSaints duster ever.
We are a sea people.
Our god is a sea god.
I am Euron Greyjoy.
I claim the salt throne.
Jennie Pierson: Jennie: Only to interrupted by drunk
Uncle Wolverine crashing Thanksgiving Dinner.
Lil' Theon,
I heard you had no cock.
[Laughter]
Jennie Pierson: Rude.
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: OMG. Back at Coachella,
we've got Christina Aguilera and Sir Carlisle
Jonathan Van Ness: having this full tear jerker of a
Notting Hill moment, and he's like,
Jonathan Van Ness: "I'm just a boy with terminal
Westeros Psoriasis
Jonathan Van Ness: standing in front of a girl,
asking her to love me."
Jonathan Van Ness: And then we've got Cute Shy Bran
who warged into the wrong side
Jonathan Van Ness: of town with the
Insane Cold Posse.
Ahh!
Jonathan Van Ness: Jonathan: But then before Sansa Fierce
could bid Good Day L.A. to Jon,
Jonathan Van Ness: she let him know that she was
poised to win this season of
Project Runway...
I made it myself.
I like the wolf bit.
Jonathan Van Ness: And then it's Fuck Watch
2016, episode 2.
Jonathan Van Ness: We've got Wildling Louis C.K.
who definitely wants to
Jonathan Van Ness: punch Tilda's cookie.
Jennie Pierson: Jennie: I'm horny for
both of them fairly.
Jonathan Van Ness: You got like a full
clone to talk about it.
Jennie Pierson: I've got a total
boner right now.
Jennie Pierson: No, cloner.
- Cloner.
- Yes.
Jennie Pierson: What's that?
Jonathan Van Ness: It's a clit-boner.
Jennie Pierson: Oh.
Jonathan Van Ness: I've never seen a vagina.
Jennie Pierson: You haven't?
Jonathan Van Ness: Like only in pictures.
Jonathan Van Ness: Oh my God, girl!
Jonathan Van Ness: No.
Jennie Pierson: Jennie: And that last seen with the
White Walkers was so lazy because
Jennie Pierson: it was a complete ripoff
of Toto's Africa.
Jonathan Van Ness: Girl, what?
Jennie Pierson: Okay look.
Jennie Pierson: Jennie: "I stopped an old man
along the way, and
Jennie Pierson: The wild dog's cry
out in the night.
Jennie Pierson: It's going to take a lot to
drag me away from you."
♪ There's nothing that a hundred
men or more could ever do ♪
♪ I bless the rains down in Africa ♪
[Explosion]
Jennie Pierson: It's literally the most obvious
thing in the fucking world!
Jennie Pierson: It's Toto's Africa word
for fucking word!
Jonathan Van Ness: If you want this haircut, you're
going to have to settle down.
Jonathan Van Ness: And then at the end it was giving
me so much Interstellar when
Jonathan Van Ness: we find out that poor Baby Hodor,
it's not his name girl,
Jonathan Van Ness: it's his destiny.
Female Voice: Hold the door!
Hold the door!
Male Voice: Hold the door!
Hold the door!
Hold the door!
Jennie Pierson: I mean, it's just too bad
that his name wasn't,
Jennie Pierson: Gets Away From Zombies
Without Any Problems.
Jonathan Van Ness: Why couldn't that have
been his name?
Jonathan Van Ness: This is giving me unabashed
Meera Reed realness.
Jennie Pierson: I love it.
Jennie Pierson: Where are...
Jonathan Van Ness: my dragons.
Jonathan Van Ness: Mm-mm.
[Laughter]

Advertisement
Advertisement