With the threat of 'Pussy Grabbing' on the rise, Funny Or Die staffer Langan... more »

Full Credits

Written by Langan Kingsley
Directed by Nate Dern
Editor: Adriana Robles
DP: Hayley Kosan
PA: Sonya Saepoff
Filmed at the Chinese Hawaiian Kenpo Academy NYC http://www.chka.org/

Stats & Data

1,115Funny
278Die
337,941
Views
October 11, 2016
Published

Transcript

Langan Kingsley: Hi, I'm Langan Kingsley
for Funny or Die.
Langan Kingsley: As a woman, I know most of
my body parts can be grabbed:
Langan Kingsley: my head, my neck, my breasts,
my butt, my waist.
Langan Kingsley: But recently, I learned that I can
be grabbed by my pussy as well.
Langan Kingsley: So I went to a local self defense
studio to figure out
Langan Kingsley: how to defend myself
from pussy grabbers.
Langan Kingsley: I'm at the
Chinese Hawaiian Kenpo Academy.
Langan Kingsley: I'm here with Jing and Sheikh,
and they're going to show me
Langan Kingsley: some self defense moves to
help protect myself from people
Langan Kingsley: who want to grab
me by the pussy.
When I was 18, I started
my first real office job,
and I was getting harassed
at work, and I found this place.
Langan Kingsley: So it's just important for me
to kinda protect my pussy,
Langan Kingsley: because like many woman,
that's where I keep my
private email server.
Langan Kingsley: I want mentally to kind of be
in a place where he looks
Langan Kingsley: like someone who
would grab my pussy.
Langan Kingsley: That's better. Okay.
Langan Kingsley: Will this technique work even
if the person who's grabbing me
- by the pussy is a self
proclaimed star?
- Of course.
Langan Kingsley: So I kinda want to take on a
pussy grabber by being a dick kicker.
Langan Kingsley: What if his penis
is very small?
Langan Kingsley: OK, don't grab me,
don't kiss me.
Langan Kingsley: I'm not your daughter.
Langan Kingsley: Grabbing piece of shit.
Langan Kingsley: Take that, fake, phony,
fake, tits, mother, fucker!
Langan Kingsley: [clears throat]
So that I went kind of
maybe above and beyond.
♪ ♪
Langan Kingsley: Now this is kind of just
your typical black stick.
Langan Kingsley: So he might be standing
this close to me,
Langan Kingsley: because perhaps I'm competing
in a Miss Universe competition.
Langan Kingsley: Maybe I've gone furniture
shopping with him.
Langan Kingsley: If the pussy grabber has
Tic Tacs in his mouth,
Langan Kingsley: will that effect this move at all?
- I would keep my hands
like this 'cause--
- Just to make sure.
Langan Kingsley: I don't think there's any
chance he would kiss me,
Langan Kingsley: because I did
turn 30 this year.
Langan Kingsley: So kneeing him in the groin,
backing him up,
Langan Kingsley: kind of just what Hillary Clinton
has been envisioning for months.
[ grunting, shouting ]
Langan Kingsley: Stop interrupting her.
Langan Kingsley: Don't grab me
by the pussy!
Langan Kingsley: Hey, I could put it--
just kind of build my own
little wall right?
Langan Kingsley: Well ladies, there you have it.
Langan Kingsley: That's how to defend yourselves
against someone trying to
grab you by the pussy,
Langan Kingsley: which as we're well aware
is the last threat women's bodies
will ever face ever again...
Langan Kingsley: Forever.

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