As President Elect Donald Trump makes his first press conference since becoming... more »

Full Credits

Written by Jocelyn Richard
Directed by Matt Mayer
Starring: Mike O'Gorman and Langan Kingsley
Producer: Rob Hatch-Miller
DP: Matt Sweeney
Editor: Hannah Levy
Hair & Makeup: Brenna Hawk
Gaffer: Matt Krueger
Production Coordinator: Jack Bradley

Transcript

[applause]
Thank you. Thank you and also,
thank you for that wonderfully fantastic
house music. I love house music.
Welcome to my first official press
conference as President-elect.
Before I begin bashing the press,
I just want to acknowledge
that they are so so important
and I hate them so much.
Now let me address the reports
released about me by BuzzFeed.
I'm talking of course about the pee-pee.
These reports are completely unsubstantiated
as many websites have said,
and that's all I'm going to
say about the pee-pee.
Does anyone have any questions
about anything else?
[reporters clamor]
[female reporter 1] President-elect Trump,
did you do the pee-pee?
[male reporter 1]
How do you respond to the
explosive reports that you hired prostitutes
to pee-pee on the Obama's bed?
See, I don't think you're getting it, OK?
That question doesn't matter.
This press conference doesn't matter.
Nothing that comes out of
my mouth right now matters.
Pee-pee. Poo-poo. Penis. Pussy.
Paula Poundstone. Nothing I say matters.
- You.
- [male reporter 2] How do you respond to
the allegations that Russians were trying
to blackmail you with the pee-pee video?
How could they blackmail me?
I don't know what this video of,
but I'll say this, I've done so many worse
things than the pee-pee and nobody cares.
I secretly cut off and sold old lady's hair.
I've saved my ejaculate and
put it in church hand soap dispensers.
I've successfully killed and skinned
101 Dalmatians to make a beautiful coat.
I go into the American Girl doll store,
and finger them where their vaginas would be.
I feed coins to birds.
I egged Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's Tesla
and told him that it was
Magic Johnson that did it.
Speaking of Magic Johnson,
I was the one that gave Magic Johnson AIDS--
Oh, excuse me, HIV.
I vape.
[male reporter 3] How will the pee-pee
color your relationship with Putin?
If Putin likes Donald Trump,
that's a good thing.
Does Trump want be good friends with Putin?
Yes.
Putin want be pals with Trump?
Do.
Trump love Putin like pee-paw and mee­maw?
Moo.
If Trump pee-pee in Putin hotel,
Putin Donald Pee­Pee Putin Poo?
Absolutely.
I don't know what's so hard
to understand about that.
Do, uh, any of you lying reporters
have any final questions?
[reporters chant "pee-pee"]

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