How I Seize It #9: "American Idol"

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
If you don't know who I am by now,
crawl out from under your fuckin' rock.
I am Loretta Jenkins
and this here is How I Seize It.
Now I done got me...
seven viewers-
and that's almost ten!
Now I was gonna talk today
about them Jonas Brothers,
but I done talked about two different gay things lately,
so I'm gonna save that commentary
for a later.
But what I do have for you today
is my first ever expose.
I'm gettin' ready to throw some shit up on ya.
Flip a switch.
Throw a loop on ya.
Aw fuck, I don't know
what the hell I'm tryin' to say,
but all I know is this shit is fixin'
to blow the lid of your panties off.
This here is my very first-
(gunshot)
-Loretta's Smokin' Gun...
You ready?
American Idol...
...is fake.
It's all made up.
It ain't real.
It's staged.
I know somebody who knows somebody
who's a friend of my drankin' buddy Flicka
and her daughter went to school with this girl
who got on that show,
and she was a good singer.
A real, real good singer.
Not like some of them freaky fucks like-
Like, like, like...one of them, uhh...
What was that Injun boy's name?
'Fonyhawk...'
Sangria!
Ooooh! Ooooh!
I hate that little motherfucker even more
cause he made me say somethin' faggy like fonyhawk.
And I know that all y'all thinks I'm full of shit.
"She don't know her..."
"She ain't her friend..."
But I got a picture of her.
I do have to protect her ammunility-
His...
You can't really tell,
but don't go guessin'
cause that's fuckin' rude.
But anyhows, I was over
at my friend Flicka's house one day-
Right after all that hoo-haa went on about
who's voted off and all that shit
and I found her down in Flicka's basement
and good God Almighty!
Lord God...
She was so depressed,
and she was huffin' paint and cryin'
and cuttin' on herself-
She- She really was!
She was cuttin' on herself!
And I yanked up a nasty old rag.
I hate to say it was,
but it was all I could see
down there in that basement.
But what the fuck was I supposed to do,
the girl was bleedin'.
I grabbed her and I said,
"Girl! What the fuck is wrong with you?"
And she-
Lord God, she got to squallin'.
My ears could not believe what they was hearin'.
All them sumbitch judges already had some shit
in they head before the show even started.
Like they know who's the Top Ten,
and they who's gonna go when,
what song they singin'-
Oh and sometimes you know what they do?
They pay them accompanists
to either start off their song in the wrong key
or even play the wrong fuckin' song.
Oh! Here's the biggest secret of all!
They got this big ass fake room
full of millions of...
phones!
And that's how they pick the winners.
Robot calls!
Robot votin'!
That's how they do it!
That ain't right.
She said she knew for a fact that
Ryan Seacrest was a big ole mo
cause he didn't one time try to split her open.
And she walked in one time
and he was blowin' that prissy judge...
He wears that black shirt
and talks all French all the time.
It was like that was a big old shock to me
cause I figured that all along/
They always talkin' homo to each other-
Bitchin' at each other like little titty babies-
(giggles)
I'm sorry I been drinkin' a little bit.
Lemme drink some more so I can get it right.
Now you know them two
is walkin' down each other's plank
to Butt-Pirateville.
Hey.
I tell you one thing.
I can't spell good,
but I know this one fact.
You can't spell Seacrest without Secret.
Can ya? Can ya???
(laughs)
(coughs)
(cries)

Now that thing says
my viewers just dropped down to six.
Who the fuck quit?
Fuck you!
You can kiss my ass.
Just go to hell,
You Mother Fucker!
Y'all can all just kiss my ass.
And that's How I Seize It.