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Let’s juss say me an my mamma’s reunyum done put more fire in my belly than Kim... more »
Published August 08, 2013 26 views More Info »
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Published August 08, 2013
Hey!
If you just now joinin' us
IDK where the fuck you been
but me and my DB's,
we been gatherin' weekly
to praise yours truly, Loretta Jenkins
and the Gospel of Lo.
AKA How I Seize It
AKA HISI
AKA.
Somebody recently come at me
cause of somethin' I said about
somethin' that happened on Walkin' Dead.
And then I posted that I was sad
cause Blair Warner didn't win on the Survivor.
And then somebody was goin' like,
"I didn't wanna know that! Quit!"
"I hadn't watched that yet!"
"I ain't even been to my DVR-
My Tivo thing..."
What records shit nowadays?
Bling!
Hey!
Why don't you try not goin' on social media
until you done watched it then?
She call me a cunt and I was like,
(Gasp.)
Do you want me to show you a cunt?
Now I ain't talkin' showin' you my goddamn my pussy-
I ain't talkin' about that.
I'm talkin' about I can be a bitch!
Get them lesbo ideals out your head.
I like dick!
Here are all the major spoilers
from forever ago until now.
(Clears throat.)
"Forrest Gump"
Jenny dies from the AIDS.
"Rent"
Everybody dies from the AIDS.
"True Blood"
Lesbo Pam turns Tara into a vampur.
Goddamn vampurs!
"Buffy the Vampur Layer"
Buffy dies in the Season 1 and Season 5 finales.
Booyah!
And, here's another one...
Spike and Anya
and a whole mess of youngins dies in the ends!
"Lost"
Everybody dies in the plane.
And the island?
Turns out it was a purgatory!
What a fuckin' waste.
"The Great Gatsby"
Dennis the Menace's neighbor,
he shoots Gatsby and then he shoots himself!
And I think he even shoots Dennis the Menace.
I don't know.
I look that one up. I don't read.
"Boogie Nights"
William H. Macy shoots hisself.
"Shawshank Redemption"
Brooks hangs hisself.
"Lincoln?"
He dies.
"JFK?"
He dies.
Caw Hollerwood!
Why you have so much violence?
"Walking Dead"
Sofia a walker and she hidin' in the barn.
And then Carl has to put his own momma down
right after she birfed his sisser!
And in the comics,
Glenn the Asian kid gets beat to death!
Oops, I'm sure that one
probably got all y'all!
Well, I said Spoiler Alert!
Let's go on.
"Titanic"
Lee Decrappo gets drowned to
the song of Seal Delon! Dion!
"Cheers"
Sam & Diane don't never get together.
"Who's The Boss?"
Tony & Angela DO gets together.
And it's awful.
"The Wizard of Oz"
They killed the wicker witch with water.
"Signs"
Mel Gibson kills the aliens with water.
"Waterworld"
Al Gore was right and the Earth be covered with what?
You guessed it!
Water.
"Dallas"
They tried to say it was old Sue Ellen's siste
what shot JRFK,
but I gotta hunch it was Miss Ellie what did it
cause she regretted not abortin'
that oily son of a bitch.
Oh, RIP Larry Hagman.
"The Sixth Sense"
That Yippee-Kayo-Kayay Motherfucker?
Yeah, he a ghost.
Surprise!
In "1984..."
The Challenger exploded!
Oh wait, that really did happen.
"Sex and the City"
Carrie marries Big.
I wonder where he got that name from.
(laughs)
I'm Team Aiden!
"Leavin’ Las Vegas"
Nicholas Cage die.
And that's really the only good Nicholas Cage movies
is the ones where he dies.
But they did have a lot of drinking in this one.
Whooo...
Awesome.
He ain't no real good actor.
"Star Wars"
(Vader-breathing)
Darth Vader, he the daddy to Princess Lei
and Luke Skywalke
and he ain’t even black!
"Roseanne"
Dan died at Darlene's wedding
and she made up the whole damn
last season in her head.
And-
(burps)
She stole the trailer park idea off of me.
"Brady Bunch"
Tiger the dog, he got runned over
in the lot they were filming.
"ET"
He goes home
and leaves us Reese's Pieces.
Man, I used to like them
back when I was an eater.
"Dexter"
John Lithgow kills Rita.
"Dexter" again.
Deb kills LaGuerta.
"Dexter" again!
Deb’s in love with Dexter!
He her brother!
I bet he do have a big ole dick though.
Yeah, that'd explain it.
"Downton Abbey"
Lady Sybil die after childbirth.
#LadyEdithShouldaDiedInstead
What?!?
I didn't tell you Matthew Crawley
died in the Christmas Special!
Blood was just goin' everywhere...
"Harry Potter"
Snape, who was in love with Harry's momma Lily,
he killed Dumbledore so that creepy little
Kid of the Corn wouldn’t have to.
And Voldemort killed Snape the Snake McGillycutty,
he ate him up!
And in the "Harry Potter" finale,
Harry kills Voldemort after he done killed him
and he goed up to Wizard Heaven
and he talk to Ol' Dumbledore.
"The Crying Game"
Chick’s gotta dick, and speakin of...
"Psycho"
In that shower scene with the
Reek! Reek! Reek!
Mister Bates, he a tranny.
"Fatal Attraction"
WAAAAAAH!
Glenn Close jump out the bathtub!
Bang Bang!
Now that bitch is dead.
She should have gone ahead
and shot her husband's dick off while she's at it.
I would. Cheatin' sunsabitches!
But he Michael Douglass,
I mean what did you expect?
"Sweeny Todd"
That old nasty begger bitch hollerin',
"Omes Omes fur the Poor."
That be Sweeny’s ol' gal.
(dog whining)
Shut up!
"Les Miz" Act One
That whore Fantasia dies.
You don't win an Osca
for five minutes of screen time
unless you die from singin'.
"Les Miz" Act Two
Javert throw his ass in the river.
Probably for bein' offkey.
"Soylent Green"
is people.
It’s PEOPLE!!!
Thank god I don’t eat.
Reckon what Soylent Beer would be?
Wait, I don't wanna know.
"Bambi"
His momma dies!
"The Lion King"
Simba daddy dies!
(singing)
"Jaws"
The shark die!
Poor lil ole fish.
He just obeying the food chain...
He ain’t hurtin nobody!
"Marley & Me"
Marley die.
And that one really did
get ahold of my lil Grinch heart.
It sure did.
"Scarlet's Webs"
The Spider Dies!
(laughs)
Man, I used to love goin' to kiddie screenings
And when Charlotte kicks it,
I just stand up and start laughing.
(laughs)
Scarlet's Dead!
GoddamnI hate spiders.
But listen, them youngins is squallin'.
When I was in the fourth grade,
my teacher, she would read us Scarlet's Web
one chapter a day,
but she would make up all the voices
for Templeton and Scarlet and Wilbur-
Anyways, it was real interesting.
One day, we was so into it,
it was gettin' to the good part
and we begged our substitute teache
that day to read to us.
He didn't do no character voices.
And then- Then she died...
And the whole class started cryin'.
I started drinkin' as soon as I got home from school.
"Fight Club"
Them two dudes is the same person dude.
Don't ask me to explain,
cause you can't do it.
"Romeo & Juliet"
She dies. He dies.
Stoop Fuckin' Yungins!
Ain't nobody in love like that!
Retards, I swear to God!
"The Usual Suspects"
Kevin Spacey is Kaiser Sozay.
I mean, who didn’t see that comin'?
"Scream"
Billy and his stoop, best friend/butt buddy is the killers.
"Scream 2"
Billy's momma and that film student Mickey is the killers.
"Scream 3"
Sydney's bastard illegitimate brother is the killer.
"Scream 4"
Yeah, they made another one!
Sydney's niece that played Nancy Drew is the killer.
Hey y'all don’t make no more lessen I’m the killer,
cause I don't know nobody whose got more reason
to walk around slashin' people besides me.
"About Schmidt"
Kathy Bates gets naked in the hot tub.
Y'all might wanna avert your eyes.
Oh and speakin' of…
"Free Willy"
Willy gets freed. #stoopfuckintitle
"Saw"
The body on the ground is the killer dumbasses!
I seen him breevin’.'
"Twilight"
Surprise, Bella ends up a Vampur.
Somebody hand me a Number 2 pencil!
"Country Strong"
It sucked a big blue balls
cause they cut all the backstory with Bo's momma in it,
who was performed exquisitely by a personal drinkin' buddy
of mine, Cinda McCain.
It's all on the cuttin' room floor.
Two weeks before-
They even made her come back in
and do the lines again
so it could go PG.
And then they do that and they cut her out
at the very last moment.
She's in the trailer.
You can look it up on YouTube
or if you buy the DVD,
you can look in the deleted scenes
and you will see how fabulous she was
and how much that movie wouldn't have sucked
if they had left her in it!
I need a Xanax.
"Grease"
Sandra Dee becomes Slutty Dee
and they fly off in a Harry Potter car.
"Best Little Whorehouse"
All the sluts get laid off and move to Vegas.
"Planet of the Apes"
People turns into monkeys!
"Pulp Fiction"
Marcus Wallace get his black ass raped.
"Deliverance"
Warren Beatty got his big ass raped.
Squeal like a pig!
(squeals)

Alright...
"Brokeback Mountain"
Jake Gillyhall get his ass raped,
but he like it.
Well who wouldn't, I mean Heath...
Who wouldn't want that pecker up in them?
God rest his hung-ass soul!
Damn I'm horny.
I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.
Y'all go take a break.
Go get a Coke or a Beer,
I'm gonna go rub one out.
I'll be right back.
(music)
Whoooo...
"Silence of the Lambs"
Hannibal get loose and they make a shitty sequel.
(burps)
"Mad Men"
That British dude Lane?
He end up hangin' himself.
And Joan's baby daddy?
He that white haired dude
what wanted Carrie Bradshaw to pee on him.
"Quantum Leap"
Uh…RIPOFF!!
Sam never goes home.
"Family Ties"
Michael J gets Parkinsums and
they momma ends up turnin' into a lesbo.
Course, they probably gotta divorce after that.
Well that daddy seemed a little light
in the loafers anyway.
He like that Brady daddy.
"Ugly Betty"
Daniel's brother ain’t dead.
He just got a sex change.
He's purty.
"Newhart"
Whole damn show a dream.
"St. Elsewhere"
Whole damn show take place
in the snowglobe of some retarded kid.
You was allowed to say retarded back then.
"Angel"
Fred die,
but she comes back as a Smurf Ninja.
"Basic Instinct"
Of course Sharon Stone the killer,
only a killer would flash her cooch!
"Friday the 13th"
Jason Voreez momma was the killer,
so I don’t even know why they call the killer Jasum.
That seem like a Hollerwood conspiracy to me.
Y'all ever notiss how half the shit they make
don’t make no sense no way.
It's like they jess pull plot
and diarrhea out they ass at the same time?
Yeah...you know.
"Field of Dreams"
You know that talentless sumbich Kevin Kostner?
Well, he only built that baseball thing
so he could play catch with his dead dad!
How it take you too hours to get that point across?
There's too much marijuana in Hollywood
if you ask me.
Where was I?
"Kill Bill"
She kills Bill.
"Weeds"
Silas marries 'Deaf Megan.'
"The Village"
Them kids run up on a highway
and realize they livin' in the modern age
on some backward nature reserve-
(burps)
-cuz their parents joined a non-violent re-enactor cult.
"Matrix"
The world ain't real.
And also transsexchangers
ought not to be in charge of they own sequels!
Can I get a AMEN?
"Million Dollar Baby"
That Boys Don’t Cry feller...
He get himself knock up
and her manager had to go knock him off
Kervorkian-style. Like-
"The Notebook"
The lovers in the story is the old couple
and the wife got amnesia
and they die in the bed together.
"The Others"
Nicole Kidman and them youngins are the ghosts!
See how they flip that switch on ya?
"Remember Me"
It’s 9/11!
Jake Gillyhall gets killed up on the roof!
"Zero Dark Thirty"
Osama Sim Sala Bimladen takes a dirt nap.
Yeah! USA! USA!
"Rocky"
He loses.
"Purty Little Liars"
There is more than one ‘A’
so you bitches best watch your backs!
"Shutter Island"
Leo Crapio is coocoo for cocoa puffs
cause he killed his wife and kids!
Still, I’d pin his ass down crazy or not
and ride him like the Tucky Derby
if we bein' honest here.
"Thelma & Louise"
Them two crazy bitches drives they car off a cliff.
Now how would that ever happen
lessen they was Lesbos in the fifties, huh?
"Bonnie & Clyde"
The two crazy sumbitches get gunned down.
I think they might've seen Thelma & Louise.
"Once Upon a Time"
Rumpstiltskin’s missing son is Peter Pan
AND he Ms. Swan Bella Baby Daddy
an he was the killer on True Blood Seasum 1!
He's a busy sumbitch,
but still he is sexier than fuck!
"Battlestar Galactica"
When they finally find Earth, it's in ruins.
I mean WTF!
The Hobbits: An Unexpected Waste of Three Hours:
Thorin, Fili & Kili die.
Now why you go on and kill all the hot Hobbits?
Anything writ by Jane Austin
Twas all just a missunderstandin'
and everybody gets married.
"Gone WIth The Wind"
An all-time classic...
(sings 'The Theme to Tara')
I don't know nothin' about birthin' babies Miss Scarlet!
Bonnie Blue kills herself with a horse
and Rhett Butler, he leaves Charlotte,
cause after he have dead youngins,
he don't give a damn.
Shit, I don't like youngins noways.
Dead or alive.
"Veronica Mars"
Aaron kiled Lily,
so I don't know why we need some damn movie.
"Twin Peaks"
Laura Palmer's daddy killed her!
"X-Files"
The Smoking Man is Mulder’s daddy!
Damn, that makes me want a cigarette.
See how tricky them advertising execs be!
Whew, we almost done…
"The Exorcist"
Father Holy Mary Cross-Eyed
takes the Devil inside of him
and toss his ass down flight of stairs.
Now how is a flight of stairs gonna kill a devil?
I mean it's alright for late term pregnancies,
but not for no damn Anti-Christ!
DUH!
And finally,
"The Bible"
The Jews hung Jesus!
Man, that plot line been beat to death, ain’t it?
There!
I'm a cunt and I ruin everything!
But at least I ain't as big of a cunt
as Monica Kirchner.
Man, they broke the cunt mold with that heifer!
You remember her, Margie?
And that's How I Seize It!
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