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It's Mert Flerb, the guy who rates every single movie for Time Warner Cable's channel guide!
Published January 15, 2014 32k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring - Bryan Safi
Writer - David Phillips
Director - Danny Jelinek
Producer - Jason Carden
DP - Brian Lane
Hair/Make-up - Jessica Leigh Schwartz
Props - Candy Lopez
Editor - Caleb Swyers
PA - Cole McFarlane
Sound - Sound Mixer Bo Sundberg for BoTown Sound
682 Funny Votes
293 Die Votes
31,778 Views
Published January 15, 2014

1

HI, I'M MERT FLERB.

2

THE GUY BEHIND THE 4 STAR RATING SYSTEM

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AT TIME WARNER'S CABLE CHANNEL GUIDE.

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I GIVE THE MOVIE, 1, 2, 3, OR 4 STARS, AND UMM,

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THAT'S THAT.

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FOR DIFFERENT KINDS OF MOVIES,

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IT'S SO EASY.

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TAKE DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON'S

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DISNEY SPECTACLE, RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN, AND

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QUENTIN TARANTINO'S OSCAR WINNER, PULP FICTION.

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AT FIRST GLANCE, YOU MIGHT NOT NOTICE ANY OBVIOUS SIMILARITIES,

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BUT DID YOU KNOW, THAT I GAVE BOTH OF THESE MOVIES 3 OUT OF 4 STARS?

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THAT IS TRUE.

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THAT IS 100% TRUE.

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HEY MERT, TELL US MORE.

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OKAY...

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DO YOU REMEMBER WATCHING AMERICAN PIE, AND

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THINKING, TO YOURSELF,

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WOW AMERICAN PIE, I HAVEN'T SEEN A MOVIE LIKE YOU

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SINCE THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION.

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ME TOO!

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I KNOW, BECAUSE I GAVE THEM BOTH 3 STARS.

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WAIT A SEC...

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MERT, MERT FLERB?

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THE GUY WHO GAVE DEAR JOHN, AND LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP

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OF THE RINGS, BOTH 3 STARS?

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YEP, I DID IT.

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AND I DO DECLARE, I GOT MORE.

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GONE WITH THE WIND, GOOD FELLAS, AND

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DAREDEVIL, SAME MOVIE, BOTH 3 STARS.

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USUAL SUSPECTS, AND NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM, 3 STARS, ALL AROUND.

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NIGHT OF THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN, 3 STARS.

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FIGHT CLUB, 2 STARS.

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THAT ONE MAKES SENSE BECAUSE THE NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM FRANCHISE,

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IS EXACTLY ONE STAR BETTER THAN FIGHT CLUB.

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HOLD THE PHONE MERT.

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FIGHT CLUB?

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I'M DRAWING A BLANK.

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OH MERT, MERT, MERT, MERT...

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FLERB.

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WHAT IS YOUR METHOD?

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HOW DO YOU DECIDE THIS?

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WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT OTHER CRITICS...

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FLERB!

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IF ALL THESE MOVIES GETS 3 STARS,

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WHAT GETS 4 STARS?

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WELL MAMA ALWAYS TOLD ME,

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LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF MOVIES.

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SOME GET 3 STARS, AND SOME GET 2 STARS.

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FORREST GUMP IS A 4 STAR MOVIE, AND

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DIRECTED BY STEVEN SPEILBERG.

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STEVEN SPEILBERG DIRECTED FORREST GUMP.

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YOU KNOW, PEOPLE NEVER COME UP TO ME ALL THE TIME AND ASK,

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MERT, DO YOU EVEN WATCH MOVIES?

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AND IF SO, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THEM AT ALL?

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NO.

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BUT MERT...

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WHUP?

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HOW DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A MOVIE REVIEWER,

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IF YOU DON'T EVEN WATCH MOVIES?

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LISTEN, I'M OUT OF TIME, BUT I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.

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AND I'LL SEE YOU, AT THE TV.

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I SWEAR TO GOD.

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SOMEBODY WITH TIME WARNER CABLE, GO HOME, AND

65

LOOK AT THIS THING!

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