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Diana Ross and the Supreme Court have really outdone themselves this time. America's... more »
Published July 01, 2014 70k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Special Guest: Rhett Miller
Producer: Ross Buran
Producer: Ben Sheehan
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

(ERIN): THIS IS
(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER): THROWING SHADE.
(BRYAN): WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,
(ERIN): AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,
(BRYAN): TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES AND POLITICS,
(ERIN): AND POP CULTURE,
(BRYAN) AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH
LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.
(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
(SINGS): CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND
(UNINTELLIGIBLE)
(SOUNDS LIKE BOTH ARE
SINGING DIFFERENT SONGS)
YOU WENT TO
ROBYN LAST NIGHT.
I DID GO TO ROBYN
LAST NIGHT.
NO, WE BOTH DID.
I WENT TO ROBYN LAST NIGHT--
YOU WERE THERE TOO?
I WAS THERE.
OH THAT'S SO FUNNY
THEN YOU SAW ME--
DANCING?
FRONT ROW...
EVERYONE IN THE FRONT ROW IN
THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL COULD GIVE
TWO SHITS ABOUT--
THEY WERE ALL SITTING
DOWN, JUST LIKE,
HUH, MONEY...
BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY?
THEY WERE ALL VERY RICH.
YEAH. SO HER FIRST OUTFIT
WAS DECONSTRUCTION OF A--
MIKE TYSON.
YEAH. AND THEN HER SECOND
ONE WAS, SHE WAS LIKE
SEQUENCE TANK TOP, BRING
OUT ANOTHER STAGE
AND LET US ALL DO CRUNCHES.
I LOVED IT.
SHE WAS STRAIGHT EXERCISE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I
LOVE ABOUT HER--
YEAH SHE FULL JUST DID LIKE
CRUNCHES, AND LIKE SQUATS ON
THE STAGE.
SHE WAS LIKE, BABY WE CAN
MAKE IT HAPPEN, BABY...
IT WAS GREAT. SHE WAS
ALSO JUST GIVES ZERO
SHITS ABOUT SHOWING SKIN,
AND IT'S JUST LIKE SUCH A POWERFUL
WOMAN; IT WAS JUST
HOT TO WATCH HER.
SHE ALSO HAS THE BEST
MULLET I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
(BRYAN): IT WAS A
GOOD MULLET.
IT WAS LIKE THE LEGEND
OF BILLIE JEAN MULLET.
I WANT THAT MULLET.
IF SHE HAD A MULLET.
SPEAKING OF POOPS, DID
I TELL YOU ABOUT MY LOVE
HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH FIBER
ONE BARS?
YEAH.
I HAD A FIBER ONE BAR LAST
WEEK, THAT NEARLY SENT ME
INTO ORBIT, FART WISE.
IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE
THINGS YOU GET OUT ON A
RIVER WITH?
YEAH.
THE HYDRO PADS?
YES. IF I COULD'VE COMPILED
ALL OF MY FARTS AND SHARTS,
BY THE WAY, LAST WEEK,
IT WOULD'VE LITERALLY SENT ME
INTO ORBIT. I HAD ONE LITTLE
SQUARE OF FIBER ONE. I WENT
ON A DATE FRIDAY NIGHT WITH
MY BOYFRIEND, WE HAD A DATE NIGHT, I HAD
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
FOR SHARTS, AND THEN I CAME BACK,
AND 10 MINUTES LATER, I LIED
AND SAID I LEFT MY PHONE IN THE
BATHROOM, SO THAT I
COULD SHART YET AGAIN.
I HAVE WATCHED COSMOS.
I HAVE SEEN WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
IF CO2, IF WE COULD SEE
GREEN HOUSE GASES, AND
HOW MUCH MORE CAREFUL
WE WOULD BE ABOUT THE
ENVIRONMENT.
MM-HMMM.
IT'S NOT FACTORIES.
NO.
IT'S NOT LIKE ANY SHIT WE'RE
PUTTING ON CROPS, IT'S YOU.
IT'S YOU AND FIBER ONE.
I KNOW IT'S ME. I WALKED OUT OF--
AND THAT IS WHY WE ARE
MICROWAVING OUR PLANET.
I WAS IN MY BEDROOM, I DID
A FART, A FIBER ONE FART, A
FIBER ONE SPECIAL--
IT'S STILL A FART IF IT'S A
FIBER ONE SPECIAL.
I FARTED IN MY ROOM AND
WALKED BACK, AND I ENDED UP
LOOKING FOR A DINOSAUR,
BECAUSE I THOUGHT THERE
WAS PROBABLY ONE IN MY ROOM.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE OF THE SMELL.
- OH YEAH.
- YEAH.
DO YOU WANT TO GUESS HOW
I'M HERE? BECAUSE I HAVE AN
EXCITING STORY FOR
YOU THAT'S TRUE.
YOU RAN?
NO-YES.
SKIED? CROSS COUNTRY SKIED.
SOMEONE RECOMMENDED
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL
I WAS REALLY INTO RUNNING,
AND I WAS VERY GOOD AT IT.
AND I WAS LIKE, I REALLY WANT
TO GET BACK INTO THAT.
YOU WERE GOOD AT RUNNING?
THAT'S LIKE SAYING YOU WERE
GOOD AT EATING.
I MEANT LIKE I COULD GO
AT LONG DISTANCES.
OK.
BUT LIKE YOU KNOW--
GUESS WHAT MY LEGS MOVED,
THAT'S WHAT YOU BASICALLY JUST SAID.
YEAH EXACTLY, YEAH. SO SOMEONE
WAS LIKE YOU SHOULD
GO TO THIS, I CAN'T REMEMBER THE
NAME OF THE STORE, SOME
PLACE IN ATWATER,
THAT WAS LIKE A RUN--
AND IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S LIKE THIS MOM AND POP SHOP, YOU
GO IN, THEY LOOK AT YOUR FOOT,
AND THEN MAKE YOU DO
THESE WEIRD EXERCISES,
AND THEY WERE LIKE OK--
I DON'T LIKE-- DO YOU
HAVE TO BE NAKED?
NO. YOU'RE FULLY CLOTHED.
AND THEN YOU TRY ON THE
SHOES THAT THEY RECOMMEND
FOR YOU, AND THEY WATCH YOU
JUST LIKE RUN DOWN THE BLOCK
AND RUN BACK, AND THEN BY THE END YOU
HAVE THE PERFECT SHOE.
THE WHOLE PROCESS TAKES LIKE
MINUTES. IT WAS AMAZING.
AND WHO ARE MOM AND POP?
DO THEY MAKE YOU CALL THEM
MOM AND POP?
NO IT'S JUST LIKE A
FAMILY RUN BUSINESS.
I WON'T DO THAT.
YEAH.
I'M NOT GOING TO CALL A
STRANGER MOM OR POP.
WHY? IT'S GREAT.
ALSO WHY POP? WHY NOT PAPA?
BECAUSE--
MEMA, I'LL CALL SOMEONE
MEMA OR PAPA--
OK.
IS IT A MEMA OR PAPA SHOP?
YEAH, I GUESS, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN YEAH.
THE POINT IS WATCH OUT WORLD,
BECAUSE HERE COMES
FANCY FEET. YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?
ME.
WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE THE 4TH
OF JULY. WE'RE ABOUT TO
CELEBRATE THE INDEPENDENCE
OF THIS COUNTRY UNDER
THE OPPRESSORS OF WHATEVER,
EUROPE, RIGHT?
YEP. SPARKLER DANCE.
YEAH. OH I LOVE YOUR
SPARKLER DANCE.
YOU ARE BASICALLY AMERICA,
WRAPPED IN A AMERICAN
APPAREL T-SHIRT.
YEP. EXACTLY.
SO I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY
TO CELEBRATE HOW WOMAN
ARE TREATED IN THIS COUNTRY
THAN TO GO OVER SOME
INTERESTING THINGS THAT
HAPPENED IN A VERY RECENT
FUTURE. NO, PAST--
OH, THEY'RE ABOUT TO HAPPEN?
OK, LET'S PRETEND IT WAS A MONTH
AGO AND I'M PREDICTING THIS.
OK.
OK, HOBBY LOBBY--
OH, GOD.
AS WE KNOW--
I THREW UP IN MY WINDOWS AND
DOORS WHEN I HEARD THAT
DECISION TODAY, I WAS JUST--
YOU DID? SO HAPPY?
SO THRILLED THAT FAMILY
BUSINESSES ARE FINALLY
GETTING A VOICE.
SO THE SUPREME COURT RULED
THAT BUSINESS OWNERS WITH
RELIGIOUS OBJECTIONS TO BIRTH
CONTROL MAY DEFY
FEDERAL RULES REQUIRING MOST
EMPLOYERS TO INCLUDE
CONTRACEPTIVE HEALTHCARE IN
THEIR PLANS.
YEAH.
WHAT IS COOL ABOUT THIS?
EVERYTHING.
HOBBY LOBBY, A FAMILY OWNED COMPANY.
FAMILY OWNED.
THAT BUYS PRODUCTS FROM CHINA
WHICH ACTIVELY DOES
GENDER ABORTION.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
SO THEY ARE CLEARLY PUTTING
THEIR CHRISTIAN VALUES IN
THE PRODUCTS THEY SELL.
AND WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THIS
FAMILY BUSINESS IS THE
GREENS. THE FAMILY BUSINESS
THAT OWNS 500 STORES IN THE
US. THAT FAMILY BUSINESS.
I WANT TO KNOW IF THE OWNERS
OF THIS FAMILY BUSINESS HIRE
EVERY SINGLE ONE OF
THEIR EMPLOYEES THEMSELVES,
AND ASK ABOUT THEIR
RELIGIOUS CONVICTIONS.
THEY DO, THEY KNOW EVERY
SINGLE EMPLOYEE.
EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE.
THEY SEND OUT 500 CHRISTMAS GIFTS.
YEAH.
THEY SEND OUT 500 BIRTHDAY--
OH NO,
(BOTH): THAT'S JUST THE STORES.
THOUSANDS.
IT MUST TAKE THEM
YEARS TO LEARN NAMES.
IT MUST, BECAUSE I'M JUST
SO THRILLED THAT THE RELIGIOUS
CONVICTIONS OF TWO PEOPLE
HAVE MUCH MORE EMPHASIS THAN
THE THOUSANDS OF
EMPLOYEES THEY HAVE.
WELL, I ALSO LOVE JUST HOW
RELIGIOUS THEY ARE THE FACT--
(BRYAN): ME TOO.
THAT THEY WILL COVER
VASECTOMIES, AND THEY
ALSO COVER VIAGRA.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE GOD SPOKE TO ME IN A
FEVER DREAM, AND SAID MEN
SHOULD HAVE BONERS, AND
WE SHOULD ABSOLUTELY MAKE
SURE THAT MEN'S BONERS
AREN'T SPITTING OUT THE
SPERM, BUT I DON'T WANT
WOMAN CONTROLLING THAT.
I AM--
THAT'S WHEN I TAKE GODS HAND,
AND I LEAD HIM INTO THE
RIGHT DECISION.
I AM TRULY DYING TO KNOW
HOW RELIGIOUS THESE PEOPLE
REALLY ARE. I'M DYING TO
KNOW HOW CLOSELY THEY
FOLLOW THE BIBLE.
THEY'RE SO RELIGIOUS THAT
THEY ABSOLUTELY CARE ABOUT
AMERICAN WORKERS, AND
THEY CARE ABOUT BUYING AMERICAN
PRODUCTS.
YEAH. SO THIS RULING WAS
FOR FAMILY BUSINESSES?
FAMILY BUSINESSES.
% OF COMPANIES IN THE US
ARE FAMILY BUSINESSES.
HINES IS CONSIDERED A
FAMILY BUSINESS. IT'S NOT A PUBLIC
COMPANY. DOLE IS CONSIDERED
A FAMILY BUSINESS.
BLOOMBERG IS CONSIDERED
A FAMILY BUSINESS, BECAUSE
THEY ARE PRIVATE. SO THAT'S
WHAT THEY MEAN BY FAMILY
BUSINESS. THAT LANGUAGE
MAKES IT SEEM LIKE IT'S
A SMALL BUSINESS.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
IT'S NOT TRUE AT ALL.
AND IT WAS A 5-4 DECISION.
YEAH.
AND RUTH BADER GINSBURG WAS
LIKE, YA'LL BE FUCKIN' TRIPPIN'.
SHE WAS STRAIGHT UP WHITNEY
HOUSTON, QUEEN OF THE NIGHT
LYRICS.
YEAH.
SHE WAS LIKE, I'M ZERO HAVING THIS.
BY THE WAY, I'M SO SORRY
THAT YOU WANT TO PAY FOR
SOMEONE'S BIRTH CONTROL.
I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS
ARGUMENT OF LIKE, WELL WHY
SHOULD I PAY FOR SOMETHING
I'M NOT USING. I DON'T WANT
FUCKING ROADS. I DON'T WANT
TO PAY FOR YOUR FUCKING ROADS.
I DON'T WANT TO PAY
FOR WATER THAT GOES TO
THESE PEOPLE'S HOUSE.
THE GREENS?
YEAH, THE GREENS. I'M NOT
PAYING FOR YOUR FUCKING LAWN
SYSTEM. YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?
RIGHT.
I'M NOT BRINGING YOU WATER
TO YOUR HOUSE. I'M NOT--
FOR THEIR LAWN SYSTEM.
I LOVE A LAWN SYSTEM.
DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD A LAWN
SYSTEM FOR YOUR UTOPIA AREA
WHEREVER YOU--
FOR YOUR MIRACLE GROW.
YEAH.
(BRYAN): QUIT RUINING
THE PLANET.
I'M NOT BRINGING ELECTRICITY
TO YOUR HOUSE.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
NOT ON MY DIME. I'M JUST
SAYING IF YOU'RE GOING TO
LIVE IN THIS FUCKING COUNTRY--
YEAH.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO
PRETEND TO BE AN AMERICAN--
BE A DO WHITE MAN.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE CARE
OF OTHER PEOPLE?
STAND UP AND TAKE
CARE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. IF YOU'RE
OKAY PAYING FOR SOMEONE'S FUCKING
PROCTOLOGY EXAM. WHY AREN'T
YOU OK PAYING FOR SOMEONE'S
BIRTH CONTROL. IT'S THE SAME THING.
ALSO, THEY CONSIDER THE
MORNING AFTER, A PILL, ABORTION.
THAT'S WHERE THESE PEOPLE ARE AT.
THEY CONSIDER LIKE
COVERING SOMETHING LIKE
THE MORNING AFTER PILL JUST
STRAIGHT UP ABORTING.
THESE PEOPLE HAVE FIGURE OUT,
THEY HAVE DILUTED
THEMSELVES INTO THINKING
THEY DON'T HATE THEMSELVES.
YEAH.
THEY'VE DILUTED THEMSELVES
INTO THINKING THEY ARE
UPRIGHT PEOPLE.
AND THIS COMPANY IS A
PERSON LIKE, HOBBY LOBBY IS A
CHRISTIAN, IS BASICALLY
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.
MRS. LOBBY IF YOU'RE NASTY.
- YEAH. EXACTLY.
- YEAH.
IT IS NOT ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL,
AND IT'S NOT ABOUT
GOD. IT'S ABOUT CASH MONEY,
SCRILLA IN THE POCKET, DUCKETS--
MAKING IT RAIN BITCH.
THEY JUST WANT TO MAKE
IT RAIN. IT IS ABOUT PROFITS
PLAIN AND SIMPLE. NOBODY
LIKE THE GREENS GET TO BE AS
RICH AS THEY ARE WITHOUT
CUTTING SOME REALLY SHITTY
CORNERS AND THEY'RE
FUCKING DOING IT.
ABSOLUTELY. THIS IS JUST A
CORNER TO BE CUT. THIS
IS JUST MONEY TO BE MADE.
THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH RELIGION BECAUSE IF THEY
HAD ANY RELIGIOUS
CONVICTIONS AS I SAID, THEY
WOULDN'T BE BUYING
PRODUCTS FROM CHINA WHICH IS
BASICALLY AS FAR AS
AMERICA'S CONCERNED, A
GODLESS COUNTRY.
RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
DON'T HIDE BEHIND YOUR FUCKING
BIBLE AND SAY THAT THIS IS
WHAT THIS IS. THIS IS ABOUT MONEY
PLAIN AND SIMPLE AND STOP
MAKING WOMAN... PUTTING THEM
IN THE MIDDLE OF
THIS ARGUMENT.
AND I HAVE TO SAY--
ALSO HOW MUCH COULD VIAGRA--
VIAGRA MUST COST A
TON OF MONEY. I CAN'T IMAGINE
VIAGRA COSTING MORE
THAN BIRTH CONTROL--
OH, NOT ON THE STREET.
WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
STREET VIAGRA?
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT
STREET VIAGRA.
STREET VIAGRA. ABSOLUTELY,
I GO TO MY DEALER AND I SAY--
YOU HAVE BONER PROBLEMS?
NO, BUT I HAVE--
YOU DO EXTRA BONERS.
I HAVE PROBLEMS WHEN I DON'T
HAVE A BONER. I'M CONSTANTLY
FEEDING MYSELF--
OH, YOU NEED A
BONER CONSTANTLY.
I'M GOING TO JUMP ON TO
YOUR SHOE BECAUSE I HAVE ONE
THING TO ADD. IT'S A VERY
SLIPPERY SLOPE FOR GAY
PEOPLE. WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT
A LOT ON THIS SHOW, BUT
A RELIGIOUS EXEMPTION FOR
SOMEONE NOT BAKING YOU A
CAKE BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY.
FOR SOMEONE NOT LETTING YOU USE
THEIR WEDDING HALL OR USING
THEIR PHOTOGRAPHY SERVICES,
BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY FOR
RELIGIOUS REASONS.
MISSISSIPPI ALREADY HAS
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
ARIZONA WANTED TO DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
AS DID KANSAS. IT'S A VERY
SLIPPERY SLOPE FOR JUST
OUTRIGHT DISCRIMINATION TO
PROTECT FREEDOM OF RELIGION
WHICH IS ALREADY
VERY PROTECTED.
ALL THE SUPREME COURT DID
IS THEY TOOK A MOUNTAIN THAT
PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO
SLIDE DOWN ON IT, IT WAS REALLY
HARD, AND THEY PUT A FUCKING
SLIP AND SLIDE ON IT.
NOW SEE THAT'S SOUNDS FUNNY--
THAT'S THE SLIPPERY
SLOPE WE'RE DOING.
WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT,
I'M ALL FOR THIS HOBBY LOBBY
DECISION, BECAUSE I LOVE
A GOOD SLIP AND SLIDE.
(ERIN): I ONLY LOVE IT BECAUSE--
I WANT MY NIPPLES TO
RUN BLOOD RAW.
I WANT ALL OF THE OXYGEN TO
BE KNOCKED OUT OF MY LUNGS.
YEAH.
THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FELT
WHEN I HEARD THIS RULING,
LIKE I'D JUMPING ON A
SLIP AND SLIDE TO HARD.
SEE BUT THAT SOUNDS FUN,
SO GO HOBBY LOBBY.
WELL I DID VOMIT ALL
OVER THE PLACE.
OH YOU DID? DID IT TASTE
JUST AS GOOD COMING UP
AS IT DID GOING DOWN?
YES. SPAGHETTI AND POPCORN.
- YEAH.
- MM-HMMM.
- BRYAN.
- I KNOW.
I'M CRAZY RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, I KNOW.
CRAZY IN LOVE.
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW I WAS JUST
TRYING TO DO BEYONCE
WHO'S ALSO FROM TEXAS.
THAT'S THE WORSE
TRANSITION EVER.
THAT'S WHAT WE PLAN THOUGH.
RHETT MILLER'S HERE TODAY.
HI RHETT MILLER.
HI GUYS.
(BRYAN): HOW ARE YOU?
ARE YOU ALWAYS PREFACED
WITH A BEYONCE LYRIC?
WELL USUALLY, BECAUSE THE
TWO OF US GET CONFUSED A LOT.
YEAH.
FOR EACH OTHER, YEAH.
NOW RHETT, WE KNOW YOU
OBVIOUSLY FROM THE OLD 97'S.
AND WE ALSO KNOW YOU
FROM YOUR SOLO CAREER.
THANK YOU.
WHY DO YOU THINK ACE OF
BASE NEVER WENT SOLO?
I DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
YOU DON'T REMEMBER
THEM AT ALL?
THEY WERE A SWEDISH 4-PART
GROUP BUT THEY ALL SANG.
BUT WAS ACE-- WAS
THERE AN ACE?
THERE SHOULD'VE BEEN.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
(BRYAN): THAT'S WHAT
SHOULD'VE HAPPENED.
(ERIN): THERE WAS NO ACE.
(BRYAN): AN ACE FROM
ACE OF BASE.
I WAS SOLO IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I WAS A TEEN FOLKY.
WHAT WERE YOU LISTENING TO IN
HIGH SCHOOL THAT GOT YOU
INTO LIKE, THIS IS THE THING THAT I
WANT TO START SINGING? THIS PERSON.
THAT'S REALLY FUNNY. WELL I
LISTENED TO A LOT OF BRITISH
AND SCOTTISH STUFF LIKE UH--
(BOTH BLURT OUT A BAND NAME)
WELL I DID LIKE SHOEGAZE EXCEPT
TEENAGE FANCLUB WAS BIG.
- YEP.
- MM-HMMM.
BRYAN HAS NO IDEA WHO THAT IS.
I DON'T. BUT I LOVE THE NAME.
I WAS A HUGE BOWIE FAN.
- OF COURSE.
- YEAH.
EVENTUALLY I LOVED BELLE AND
SEBASTIAN SPEAKING OF THOSE SCOTS.
OOH. SO YOUR NEW ALBUM OR I
GUESS YOUR LATEST ALBUM WITH
OLD 97'S IS MOST MESSED UP.
YEAH. I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T SAY
LAST ALBUM BECAUSE WHEN
PEOPLE SAY THAT IT FREAKS ME OUT,
BECAUSE I'M LIKE ARE
YOU GOING TO MURDER ME?
LIKE HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS IS MY
LAST ALBUM (LAUGHS).
I WANT TO KNOW FROM YOUR
TITLE MOST MESSED UP FROM
THE OLD 97S ALBUM WHAT IS
THE MOST MESSED UP YOU'VE
EVER BEEN?
THERE WAS A NIGHT WHEN
WE WERE DOING PRE-PRODUCTION
FOR THIS RECORD, AND MY
FRIEND TOMMY STINSON FROM
THE REPLACEMENTS TEXTED ME
AND SAID, I'M PLAYING WITH
GUNS AND ROSES HERE
IN DALLAS.
HE TEXTS LIKE THAT,
SMOKEY STYLE?
EVEN IN HIS TEXT MESSAGES.
HE'S BEEN A ROCK STAR SINCE
HE WAS 12 SO HE DOES
WHATEVER HE WANTS.
YEAH.
COME AND SEE GUNS AND ROSES.
I WENT AND SAW THE GIG, I DIDN'T
GET TO MEET AXL BUT WHEN TOMMY
WALKED ME TO DRESS
ROOM AFTERWARDS I WALKED
PAST AND OPEN DOOR AT
HOUSE OF BLUES AND THERE WAS
A COUCH AND AXL WAS ON THE
COUCH IN A MOO MOO WITH A
SMALL ASIAN WOMAN GIVING
HIM A FOOT MASSAGE.
YES. THANK GOD.
IT WAS PERFECT.
EVERYTHING IS RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
AND SO TOMMY AND I WENT
OUT LATE NIGHT DRINKING AND I
FELT LIKE I CAN KEEP UP WITH
TOMMY STINSON I DRINK LIKE A
CHAMP RIGHT. NOT. SO, I GOT
BACK TO MY HOTEL I THOUGHT
THE BED WAS HERE, THE BED
WAS WAY OVER THERE.
I WENT TO TAKE OFF MY SHOES,
AND BROKE MY ELBOW.
(GASPS)
OH, MAN.
SO, TOMMY STINSON WAS
OBVIOUSLY THE BLAME FOR THAT--
DID HE TAKE YOU TO THE
EMERGENCY ROOM?
NO, BUT I CALLED HIM FROM THE
EMERGENCY ROOM, AND I SAID
YOU HAVE TO COME AND PLAY
RHYTHM GUITAR IN THE
PRE-PRODUCTION TODAY BECAUSE YOU
DID THIS TO ME, AND HE
DID AND THAT ACTUALLY IS WHAT
WOUND UP WITH HIM PLAYING
ON OUR RECORD.
NO WAY.
CUZ IT SOUNDED REALLY GOOD.
THAT'S AMAZING.
THE MOST MESSED UP I'VE EVER
BEEN SINCE YOU ASKED--
(LAUGHS) NOBODY ASKED.
IT WAS THE WORSE NIGHT OF
MY LIFE, I WAS IN NEW JERSEY--
(GASP)
--GOING TO A PARTY. I JUST DIDN'T
EVEN WANT TO BE THERE,
SO I END UP GETTING REALLY
WASTED, AND I CAME BACK ON A
BUS TO MANHATTAN. I WAS SO
SICK I ENDED UP IN A
BATHROOM AT THE PORT
AUTHORITY BUS TERMINAL, AND
MY LIPS TOUCHED THE TOILET
I WAS VOMITING IN.
MIND'S WORSE.
THAT'S WHY I'M GAY.
(LAUGHS)
ALL THE FILTH ON THAT
TOILET SEAT. ANYWAY.
I WAS IN COLLEGE AND I WAS
GOING TO A JUNIOR COLLEGE
BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
I WANTED TO DO WITH MY LIFE,
AND I WAS AT A PARTY, A
BASEBALL PARTY, AND THERE IS--
A BASEBALL PARTY?
I HAD A CRUSH--
WAS THAT THE THEME?
NO--
BASEBALL PLAYERS.
(ERIN): YEAH.
- THEY'RE CUTE.
- (ERIN): DUH.
I HAD A CRUSH ON THE CATCHER,
AND HE WAS MAKING
OUT WITH A GIRL IN FRONT
OF ME AND I GOT REALLY SAD
AND HE WAS LIKE, DON'T WORRY
I'LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU LATER.
AND I WAS LIKE, UHHH... OK.
AND I BELIEVED IT. SO LIKE NO
SELF ESTEEM AT ALL RIGHT.
SO I WAS LIKE I'LL WAIT FOR
YOU AT MY APARTMENT BECAUSE
I WAS ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE
WHO HAD AN APARTMENT THERE.
SO I WENT HOME AND I WAITED
FOR HIM AND I READ JOHN
GRISHAM'S RAINMAKER AND
HE NEVER SHOWED UP.
YEAH.
EVER.
BECAUSE HE PROBABLY HAD A
SIXTH SENSE ABOUT WHAT YOU
WERE READING AND HE WAS LIKE,
SHE'S A JOHN GRISHAM
FAN? NO. ONLY THING THAT
COULD BE WORSE IS DAN BROWN
WHO WASN'T EVEN AROUND.
IT WASN'T EVEN DAN BROWN.
NO, DAN BROWN WAS THE NEXT YEAR.
HAS OLD 97'S EVER BEEN ON HOT 97?
NO, THEY TRIED AND TRIED AND
TRIED, BUT HOT 97 ONLY PLAYS
BAD MUSIC.
OH, RIGHT. SURE.
YOU HEMORRHAGED
YOUR VOCAL CHORDS?
OH GOSH...
IS THAT REAL?
(LAUGHS)
DID YOU LIE ABOUT THAT?
DID YOU MAKE THAT UP?
THERE WAS AN ELEMENT OF
MISDIAGNOSIS. IT WOUND
UP NOT BEING AS BAD AS THEY
THOUGHT, AND IT WAS SO CRA--
BY THE WAY WHEN DID NEWS
SOURCES START JUST BEING
RE-TWEET FACILITIES?
SO I TWEETED SOMETHING--
YEARS AGO.
--HEMORRHAGED VOCAL CHORDS.
I HAD TO CANCEL THIS ONE
APPEARANCE. AND IT GOT
PICKED UP BY BILLBOARD.
IT WAS ON THE FRONT PAGE OF
BILLBOARD. IT WAS ON THE
FRONT PAGE OF ROLLING STONES--
YEAH.
I'M LIKE, THAT WAS THE DAY I
DECIDED I WAS GOING TO QUIT
SMOKING BECAUSE I STILL
SMOKED CIGARETTES BACK THEN.
YEAH.
AND SO I WENT TO THIS DOCTOR
IN NEW YORK BUT THE DOCTOR
WAS LIKE, HEY YEAH, THIS
HAPPENS TO LOTS OF SINGERS.
YOU WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF
MICK JAGGER'S THROAT? I JUST LOOKED
AT IT THE OTHER DAY. AND HE
SHOWED ME A PICTURE OF THE
INSIDE OF HIS THROAT--
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT THE INSIDE OF A THROAT
LOOKS LIKE, BUT IT LOOKS A
LOT LIKE A VAGINA.
I BET.
- (BRYAN): THAT'S WHY PEOPLE DO ORAL.
- (ERIN): BLOW JOBS.
(LAUGHS)
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
I DIDN'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT THAT.
YEAH.
SO I SAW THE INSIDE OF
MICK JAGGER'S, UM...
ME AND DAVID BOWIE.
(ERIN): VAGINA?
(RHETT): ...THE ONLY PEOPLE.
OK, SO RHETT WE WANT TO
PLAY A GAME WITH YOU--
OK.
CALLED SHADE OR NO SHADE.
OK.
AND BASICALLY WE JUST CALL
SOMETHING OUT AND YOU EITHER
SAY SHADE WHICH MEANS
YOU DON'T LIKE IT OR NO SHADE
WHICH MEANS YOU DO LIKE IT.
OK.
HANK WILLIAMS SENIOR?
NO SHADE.
YEAH.
HANK WILLIAMS JUNIOR?
SHADE.
MONEY?
YOU KNOW I SAY, SHADE.
REALLY?
YEAH, FUCK THAT SHIT.
BETTER THAN I AM.
UNLESS YOU WANT TO GIVE
ME SOME, BECAUSE--
(BRYAN): RIGHT, EXACTLY.
THE VIEW?
SHADE.
YEAH.
PEOPLE IN NORTH CAROLINA
CALLING IT NORTH CACKALACKY?
- IS THAT A REAL THING?
- YES.
YOU KNOW WHAT? HARD K'S
ARE FUNNY. I'M GOING TO GO
NO SHADE.
YEAH.
THEY ARE FUNNY.
PEOPLE WHO WEAR LIFE
VESTS IN SWIMMING POOLS?
I'M GOING TO SAY NO SHADE,
BECAUSE I DON'T--
I HAVE A SWIMMING POOL,
AND I DON'T WANT ANYBODY DEAD
AT THE BOTTOM.
YEAH.
I'VE ALREADY SAVED TWO KIDS
FROM THAT FREAKIN' THING.
- WHAT?
- REALLY?
WHY CAN'T THEY SWIM?
WELL BECAUSE ONE WAS TWO--
NOT AN EXCUSE.
AND THE OTHER ONE WAS
A BROOKLYN KID.
OOH, YOU CAN'T TEACH CITY KIDS
TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
NO.
WOULD YOU RATHER WORK WITH,
OH NO, NEVER MIND.
I WAS GOING TO ASK IF YOU
WOULD RATHER WORK WITH
MARIAH CAREY OR WHITNEY
HOUSTON, BUT THE DECISION
HAS BEEN MADE FOR YOU.
(ERIN AND BRYAN): THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT.
YEAH.
THAT TOOK ME A SECOND.
THAT'S WHY I HESITATED.
I'M SORRY, BUT IF SHE WERE ALIVE
WHO WOULD YOU RATHER
WORK WITH AND NOW IF YOU DON'T
SAY HER IT'S GOING
TO LOOK REALLY BAD.
I'M GOING TO SAY WHITNEY.
YEAH.
EXACTLY. THAT'S IT.
SHE KNOWS HOW TO PARTY. WOAH.
YOU WON.
YOU GUYS KNOW HOW TO PARTY.
YEAH, WE CERTAINLY DO.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, AND YOU'RE
GOING TO PLAY A SONG FOR US?
YEAH.
OK. WE LOVE IT.
- IT WAS SUCH A PLEASURE.
- YOU'RE A DOLL.
YOU'RE AMAZING.
YOU'RE MY FELLOW TEXANS.
YES. WE'RE DOING IT TOGETHER.
(BRYAN): ABSOLUTELY.
LOOK I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
GUYS MY NUMBER. JUST CALL
ME EVERY 5 MINUTES.
(LAUGHS) OK.
YOU KNOW TEXANS.
(BRYAN): DEAL.
(ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING)
YOUR EYES ARE THE
COLOR OF THE EARTH
AS SEEN FROM
OUTER SPACE
YOU GOT A
GORGEOUS FACE
THOUGH ITS A LITTLE ODD
TELL ME THAT
YOU LIKE THE
SONGS THAT TELL
THE STORY OF
REAL LOVE
THE KIND THAT'S FLAWED
LET'S DRINK WHISKEY
AND DO IT
ALL NIGHT LONG
YEAH, LET'S GET DRUNK
AND GET IT ON
I'LL TAKE YOU TO A CHEAP
HOTEL OUT ON THE INTERSTATE
WELL YOU LOOK SO GREAT, TO ME
THIS IS THE PERFECT PLACE
FOR A RENDEZVOUS
ITS GOT A ROTTEN VIEW
BUT THE ICE IS FREE
LET'S DRINK WHISKEY
AND DO
IT ALL NIGHT LONG
YEAH, LET'S GET
DRUNK AND GET IT ON
(WHISTLES) WOO!
LAY OUT A BLANKET BENEATH
THE WATER TOWER
WATCH THE METEOR SHOWER
AND HEAVEN ON DISPLAY
WE GOT RIGHT HERE,
RIGHT NOW, LUCKY US
WELL ITS WONDROUS,
WHAT A PERFECT DAY
DRINK CHAMPAGNE
AND MAKE
LOVE ALL
NIGHT LONG
LET'S GET DRUNK
AND GET IT ON
LET'S DRINK WHISKEY AND
DO IT ALL NIGHT LONG
LET'S GET DRUNK
AND GET IT ON
LET'S GET DRUNK
AND GET IT ON
LET'S GET DRUNK
AND GET IT ON
WOO HOO! AHH YEAH!
(STUDIO CHEERS)

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