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Diana Ross and the Supreme Court have really outdone themselves this time. America's... more »
Published July 01, 2014 68k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Special Guest: Rhett Miller
Producer: Ross Buran
Producer: Ben Sheehan
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

1

(ERIN): THIS IS

2

(ERIN AND BRYAN TOGETHER): THROWING SHADE.

3

(BRYAN): WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,

4

(ERIN): AND HOMOSENSUAL BRYAN SAFI,

5

(BRYAN): TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES AND POLITICS,

6

(ERIN): AND POP CULTURE,

7

(BRYAN) AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH

8

LESS RESPECT THAN THEY DESERVE.

9

(ERIN): CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

10

(SINGS): CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND

11

(UNINTELLIGIBLE)

12

(SOUNDS LIKE BOTH ARE
SINGING DIFFERENT SONGS)

13

YOU WENT TO
ROBYN LAST NIGHT.

14

I DID GO TO ROBYN
LAST NIGHT.

15

NO, WE BOTH DID.

16

I WENT TO ROBYN LAST NIGHT--

17

YOU WERE THERE TOO?

18

I WAS THERE.

19

OH THAT'S SO FUNNY
THEN YOU SAW ME--

20

DANCING?

21

FRONT ROW...

22

EVERYONE IN THE FRONT ROW IN
THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL COULD GIVE

23

TWO SHITS ABOUT--

24

THEY WERE ALL SITTING
DOWN, JUST LIKE,

25

HUH, MONEY...

26

BECAUSE THEY HAVE MONEY?

27

THEY WERE ALL VERY RICH.

28

YEAH. SO HER FIRST OUTFIT
WAS DECONSTRUCTION OF A--

29

MIKE TYSON.

30

YEAH. AND THEN HER SECOND
ONE WAS, SHE WAS LIKE

31

SEQUENCE TANK TOP, BRING
OUT ANOTHER STAGE

32

AND LET US ALL DO CRUNCHES.

33

I LOVED IT.

34

SHE WAS STRAIGHT EXERCISE.

35

YOU KNOW WHAT I
LOVE ABOUT HER--

36

YEAH SHE FULL JUST DID LIKE
CRUNCHES, AND LIKE SQUATS ON

37

THE STAGE.

38

SHE WAS LIKE, BABY WE CAN
MAKE IT HAPPEN, BABY...

39

IT WAS GREAT. SHE WAS
ALSO JUST GIVES ZERO

40

SHITS ABOUT SHOWING SKIN,
AND IT'S JUST LIKE SUCH A POWERFUL

41

WOMAN; IT WAS JUST
HOT TO WATCH HER.

42

SHE ALSO HAS THE BEST
MULLET I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

43

(BRYAN): IT WAS A
GOOD MULLET.

44

IT WAS LIKE THE LEGEND
OF BILLIE JEAN MULLET.

45

I WANT THAT MULLET.

46

IF SHE HAD A MULLET.
SPEAKING OF POOPS, DID

47

I TELL YOU ABOUT MY LOVE
HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH FIBER

48

ONE BARS?

49

YEAH.

50

I HAD A FIBER ONE BAR LAST
WEEK, THAT NEARLY SENT ME

51

INTO ORBIT, FART WISE.

52

IT WAS LIKE ONE OF THOSE
THINGS YOU GET OUT ON A

53

RIVER WITH?

54

YEAH.

55

THE HYDRO PADS?

56

YES. IF I COULD'VE COMPILED
ALL OF MY FARTS AND SHARTS,

57

BY THE WAY, LAST WEEK,
IT WOULD'VE LITERALLY SENT ME

58

INTO ORBIT. I HAD ONE LITTLE
SQUARE OF FIBER ONE. I WENT

59

ON A DATE FRIDAY NIGHT WITH
MY BOYFRIEND, WE HAD A DATE NIGHT, I HAD

60

TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
FOR SHARTS, AND THEN I CAME BACK,

61

AND 10 MINUTES LATER, I LIED
AND SAID I LEFT MY PHONE IN THE

62

BATHROOM, SO THAT I
COULD SHART YET AGAIN.

63

I HAVE WATCHED COSMOS.
I HAVE SEEN WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

64

IF CO2, IF WE COULD SEE
GREEN HOUSE GASES, AND

65

HOW MUCH MORE CAREFUL
WE WOULD BE ABOUT THE

66

ENVIRONMENT.

67

MM-HMMM.

68

IT'S NOT FACTORIES.

69

NO.

70

IT'S NOT LIKE ANY SHIT WE'RE
PUTTING ON CROPS, IT'S YOU.

71

IT'S YOU AND FIBER ONE.

72

I KNOW IT'S ME. I WALKED OUT OF--

73

AND THAT IS WHY WE ARE
MICROWAVING OUR PLANET.

74

I WAS IN MY BEDROOM, I DID
A FART, A FIBER ONE FART, A

75

FIBER ONE SPECIAL--

76

IT'S STILL A FART IF IT'S A
FIBER ONE SPECIAL.

77

I FARTED IN MY ROOM AND
WALKED BACK, AND I ENDED UP

78

LOOKING FOR A DINOSAUR,
BECAUSE I THOUGHT THERE

79

WAS PROBABLY ONE IN MY ROOM.

80

WHY IS THAT?

81

BECAUSE OF THE SMELL.

82

- OH YEAH.
- YEAH.

83

DO YOU WANT TO GUESS HOW
I'M HERE? BECAUSE I HAVE AN

84

EXCITING STORY FOR
YOU THAT'S TRUE.

85

YOU RAN?

86

NO-YES.

87

SKIED? CROSS COUNTRY SKIED.

88

SOMEONE RECOMMENDED
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL

89

I WAS REALLY INTO RUNNING,
AND I WAS VERY GOOD AT IT.

90

AND I WAS LIKE, I REALLY WANT
TO GET BACK INTO THAT.

91

YOU WERE GOOD AT RUNNING?
THAT'S LIKE SAYING YOU WERE

92

GOOD AT EATING.

93

I MEANT LIKE I COULD GO
AT LONG DISTANCES.

94

OK.

95

BUT LIKE YOU KNOW--

96

GUESS WHAT MY LEGS MOVED,
THAT'S WHAT YOU BASICALLY JUST SAID.

97

YEAH EXACTLY, YEAH. SO SOMEONE
WAS LIKE YOU SHOULD

98

GO TO THIS, I CAN'T REMEMBER THE
NAME OF THE STORE, SOME

99

PLACE IN ATWATER,
THAT WAS LIKE A RUN--

100

AND IT'S AMAZING.
IT'S LIKE THIS MOM AND POP SHOP, YOU

101

GO IN, THEY LOOK AT YOUR FOOT,
AND THEN MAKE YOU DO

102

THESE WEIRD EXERCISES,
AND THEY WERE LIKE OK--

103

I DON'T LIKE-- DO YOU
HAVE TO BE NAKED?

104

NO. YOU'RE FULLY CLOTHED.
AND THEN YOU TRY ON THE

105

SHOES THAT THEY RECOMMEND
FOR YOU, AND THEY WATCH YOU

106

JUST LIKE RUN DOWN THE BLOCK
AND RUN BACK, AND THEN BY THE END YOU

107

HAVE THE PERFECT SHOE.
THE WHOLE PROCESS TAKES LIKE

108

20 MINUTES. IT WAS AMAZING.

109

AND WHO ARE MOM AND POP?
DO THEY MAKE YOU CALL THEM

110

MOM AND POP?

111

NO IT'S JUST LIKE A
FAMILY RUN BUSINESS.

112

I WON'T DO THAT.

113

YEAH.

114

I'M NOT GOING TO CALL A
STRANGER MOM OR POP.

115

WHY? IT'S GREAT.

116

ALSO WHY POP? WHY NOT PAPA?

117

BECAUSE--

118

MEMA, I'LL CALL SOMEONE
MEMA OR PAPA--

119

OK.

120

IS IT A MEMA OR PAPA SHOP?

121

YEAH, I GUESS, I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN YEAH.

122

THE POINT IS WATCH OUT WORLD,
BECAUSE HERE COMES

123

FANCY FEET. YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?

124

125

ME.

126

127

WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE THE 4TH
OF JULY. WE'RE ABOUT TO

128

CELEBRATE THE INDEPENDENCE
OF THIS COUNTRY UNDER

129

THE OPPRESSORS OF WHATEVER,
EUROPE, RIGHT?

130

YEP. SPARKLER DANCE.

131

YEAH. OH I LOVE YOUR
SPARKLER DANCE.

132

YOU ARE BASICALLY AMERICA,
WRAPPED IN A AMERICAN

133

APPAREL T-SHIRT.

134

YEP. EXACTLY.

135

SO I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY
TO CELEBRATE HOW WOMAN

136

ARE TREATED IN THIS COUNTRY
THAN TO GO OVER SOME

137

INTERESTING THINGS THAT
HAPPENED IN A VERY RECENT

138

FUTURE. NO, PAST--

139

OH, THEY'RE ABOUT TO HAPPEN?

140

OK, LET'S PRETEND IT WAS A MONTH
AGO AND I'M PREDICTING THIS.

141

OK.

142

OK, HOBBY LOBBY--

143

OH, GOD.

144

AS WE KNOW--

145

I THREW UP IN MY WINDOWS AND
DOORS WHEN I HEARD THAT

146

DECISION TODAY, I WAS JUST--

147

YOU DID? SO HAPPY?

148

SO THRILLED THAT FAMILY
BUSINESSES ARE FINALLY

149

GETTING A VOICE.

150

SO THE SUPREME COURT RULED
THAT BUSINESS OWNERS WITH

151

RELIGIOUS OBJECTIONS TO BIRTH
CONTROL MAY DEFY

152

FEDERAL RULES REQUIRING MOST
EMPLOYERS TO INCLUDE

153

CONTRACEPTIVE HEALTHCARE IN
THEIR PLANS.

154

YEAH.

155

WHAT IS COOL ABOUT THIS?

156

EVERYTHING.

157

HOBBY LOBBY, A FAMILY OWNED COMPANY.

158

FAMILY OWNED.

159

THAT BUYS PRODUCTS FROM CHINA
WHICH ACTIVELY DOES

160

GENDER ABORTION.

161

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

162

SO THEY ARE CLEARLY PUTTING
THEIR CHRISTIAN VALUES IN

163

THE PRODUCTS THEY SELL.

164

AND WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THIS
FAMILY BUSINESS IS THE

165

GREENS. THE FAMILY BUSINESS
THAT OWNS 500 STORES IN THE

166

US. THAT FAMILY BUSINESS.

167

I WANT TO KNOW IF THE OWNERS
OF THIS FAMILY BUSINESS HIRE

168

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF
THEIR EMPLOYEES THEMSELVES,

169

AND ASK ABOUT THEIR
RELIGIOUS CONVICTIONS.

170

THEY DO, THEY KNOW EVERY
SINGLE EMPLOYEE.

171

EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE.

172

THEY SEND OUT 500 CHRISTMAS GIFTS.

173

YEAH.

174

THEY SEND OUT 500 BIRTHDAY--

175

OH NO,

176

(BOTH): THAT'S JUST THE STORES.

177

THOUSANDS.

178

IT MUST TAKE THEM
YEARS TO LEARN NAMES.

179

IT MUST, BECAUSE I'M JUST
SO THRILLED THAT THE RELIGIOUS

180

CONVICTIONS OF TWO PEOPLE
HAVE MUCH MORE EMPHASIS THAN

181

THE THOUSANDS OF
EMPLOYEES THEY HAVE.

182

WELL, I ALSO LOVE JUST HOW
RELIGIOUS THEY ARE THE FACT--

183

(BRYAN): ME TOO.

184

THAT THEY WILL COVER
VASECTOMIES, AND THEY

185

ALSO COVER VIAGRA.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE GOD SPOKE TO ME IN A

186

FEVER DREAM, AND SAID MEN
SHOULD HAVE BONERS, AND

187

WE SHOULD ABSOLUTELY MAKE
SURE THAT MEN'S BONERS

188

AREN'T SPITTING OUT THE
SPERM, BUT I DON'T WANT

189

WOMAN CONTROLLING THAT.

190

I AM--

191

THAT'S WHEN I TAKE GODS HAND,
AND I LEAD HIM INTO THE

192

RIGHT DECISION.

193

I AM TRULY DYING TO KNOW
HOW RELIGIOUS THESE PEOPLE

194

REALLY ARE. I'M DYING TO
KNOW HOW CLOSELY THEY

195

FOLLOW THE BIBLE.

196

THEY'RE SO RELIGIOUS THAT
THEY ABSOLUTELY CARE ABOUT

197

AMERICAN WORKERS, AND
THEY CARE ABOUT BUYING AMERICAN

198

PRODUCTS.

199

YEAH. SO THIS RULING WAS
FOR FAMILY BUSINESSES?

200

FAMILY BUSINESSES.

201

90% OF COMPANIES IN THE US
ARE FAMILY BUSINESSES.

202

HINES IS CONSIDERED A
FAMILY BUSINESS. IT'S NOT A PUBLIC

203

COMPANY. DOLE IS CONSIDERED
A FAMILY BUSINESS.

204

BLOOMBERG IS CONSIDERED
A FAMILY BUSINESS, BECAUSE

205

THEY ARE PRIVATE. SO THAT'S
WHAT THEY MEAN BY FAMILY

206

BUSINESS. THAT LANGUAGE
MAKES IT SEEM LIKE IT'S

207

A SMALL BUSINESS.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.

208

IT'S NOT TRUE AT ALL.
AND IT WAS A 5-4 DECISION.

209

YEAH.

210

AND RUTH BADER GINSBURG WAS
LIKE, YA'LL BE FUCKIN' TRIPPIN'.

211

SHE WAS STRAIGHT UP WHITNEY
HOUSTON, QUEEN OF THE NIGHT

212

LYRICS.

213

YEAH.

214

SHE WAS LIKE, I'M ZERO HAVING THIS.

215

BY THE WAY, I'M SO SORRY
THAT YOU WANT TO PAY FOR

216

SOMEONE'S BIRTH CONTROL.
I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS

217

ARGUMENT OF LIKE, WELL WHY
SHOULD I PAY FOR SOMETHING

218

I'M NOT USING. I DON'T WANT
FUCKING ROADS. I DON'T WANT

219

TO PAY FOR YOUR FUCKING ROADS.
I DON'T WANT TO PAY

220

FOR WATER THAT GOES TO
THESE PEOPLE'S HOUSE.

221

THE GREENS?

222

YEAH, THE GREENS. I'M NOT
PAYING FOR YOUR FUCKING LAWN

223

SYSTEM. YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?

224

RIGHT.

225

I'M NOT BRINGING YOU WATER
TO YOUR HOUSE. I'M NOT--

226

FOR THEIR LAWN SYSTEM.
I LOVE A LAWN SYSTEM.

227

DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD A LAWN
SYSTEM FOR YOUR UTOPIA AREA

228

WHEREVER YOU--

229

FOR YOUR MIRACLE GROW.

230

YEAH.

231

(BRYAN): QUIT RUINING
THE PLANET.

232

I'M NOT BRINGING ELECTRICITY
TO YOUR HOUSE.

233

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

234

NOT ON MY DIME. I'M JUST
SAYING IF YOU'RE GOING TO

235

LIVE IN THIS FUCKING COUNTRY--

236

YEAH.

237

AND YOU'RE GOING TO
PRETEND TO BE AN AMERICAN--

238

BE A DO WHITE MAN.

239

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE CARE
OF OTHER PEOPLE?

240

STAND UP AND TAKE
CARE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

241

THANK YOU SO MUCH. IF YOU'RE
OKAY PAYING FOR SOMEONE'S FUCKING

242

PROCTOLOGY EXAM. WHY AREN'T
YOU OK PAYING FOR SOMEONE'S

243

BIRTH CONTROL. IT'S THE SAME THING.

244

ALSO, THEY CONSIDER THE
MORNING AFTER, A PILL, ABORTION.

245

THAT'S WHERE THESE PEOPLE ARE AT.
THEY CONSIDER LIKE

246

COVERING SOMETHING LIKE
THE MORNING AFTER PILL JUST

247

STRAIGHT UP ABORTING.

248

THESE PEOPLE HAVE FIGURE OUT,
THEY HAVE DILUTED

249

THEMSELVES INTO THINKING
THEY DON'T HATE THEMSELVES.

250

YEAH.

251

THEY'VE DILUTED THEMSELVES
INTO THINKING THEY ARE

252

UPRIGHT PEOPLE.

253

AND THIS COMPANY IS A
PERSON LIKE, HOBBY LOBBY IS A

254

CHRISTIAN, IS BASICALLY
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.

255

MRS. LOBBY IF YOU'RE NASTY.

256

- YEAH. EXACTLY.
- YEAH.

257

IT IS NOT ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL,
AND IT'S NOT ABOUT

258

GOD. IT'S ABOUT CASH MONEY,
SCRILLA IN THE POCKET, DUCKETS--

259

MAKING IT RAIN BITCH.

260

THEY JUST WANT TO MAKE
IT RAIN. IT IS ABOUT PROFITS

261

PLAIN AND SIMPLE. NOBODY
LIKE THE GREENS GET TO BE AS

262

RICH AS THEY ARE WITHOUT
CUTTING SOME REALLY SHITTY

263

CORNERS AND THEY'RE
FUCKING DOING IT.

264

ABSOLUTELY. THIS IS JUST A
CORNER TO BE CUT. THIS

265

IS JUST MONEY TO BE MADE.

266

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH RELIGION BECAUSE IF THEY

267

HAD ANY RELIGIOUS
CONVICTIONS AS I SAID, THEY

268

WOULDN'T BE BUYING
PRODUCTS FROM CHINA WHICH IS

269

BASICALLY AS FAR AS
AMERICA'S CONCERNED, A

270

GODLESS COUNTRY.

271

RIGHT.

272

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
DON'T HIDE BEHIND YOUR FUCKING

273

BIBLE AND SAY THAT THIS IS
WHAT THIS IS. THIS IS ABOUT MONEY

274

PLAIN AND SIMPLE AND STOP
MAKING WOMAN... PUTTING THEM

275

IN THE MIDDLE OF
THIS ARGUMENT.

276

AND I HAVE TO SAY--

277

ALSO HOW MUCH COULD VIAGRA--

278

VIAGRA MUST COST A
TON OF MONEY. I CAN'T IMAGINE

279

VIAGRA COSTING MORE
THAN BIRTH CONTROL--

280

OH, NOT ON THE STREET.

281

WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

282

STREET VIAGRA?

283

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT
STREET VIAGRA.

284

STREET VIAGRA. ABSOLUTELY,
I GO TO MY DEALER AND I SAY--

285

YOU HAVE BONER PROBLEMS?

286

NO, BUT I HAVE--

287

YOU DO EXTRA BONERS.

288

I HAVE PROBLEMS WHEN I DON'T
HAVE A BONER. I'M CONSTANTLY

289

FEEDING MYSELF--

290

OH, YOU NEED A
BONER CONSTANTLY.

291

I'M GOING TO JUMP ON TO
YOUR SHOE BECAUSE I HAVE ONE

292

THING TO ADD. IT'S A VERY
SLIPPERY SLOPE FOR GAY

293

PEOPLE. WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT
A LOT ON THIS SHOW, BUT

294

A RELIGIOUS EXEMPTION FOR
SOMEONE NOT BAKING YOU A

295

CAKE BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY.
FOR SOMEONE NOT LETTING YOU USE

296

THEIR WEDDING HALL OR USING
THEIR PHOTOGRAPHY SERVICES,

297

BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY FOR
RELIGIOUS REASONS.

298

MISSISSIPPI ALREADY HAS
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

299

ARIZONA WANTED TO DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

300

AS DID KANSAS. IT'S A VERY
SLIPPERY SLOPE FOR JUST

301

OUTRIGHT DISCRIMINATION TO
PROTECT FREEDOM OF RELIGION

302

WHICH IS ALREADY
VERY PROTECTED.

303

ALL THE SUPREME COURT DID
IS THEY TOOK A MOUNTAIN THAT

304

PEOPLE WERE TRYING TO
SLIDE DOWN ON IT, IT WAS REALLY

305

HARD, AND THEY PUT A FUCKING
SLIP AND SLIDE ON IT.

306

NOW SEE THAT'S SOUNDS FUNNY--

307

THAT'S THE SLIPPERY
SLOPE WE'RE DOING.

308

WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT,
I'M ALL FOR THIS HOBBY LOBBY

309

DECISION, BECAUSE I LOVE
A GOOD SLIP AND SLIDE.

310

(ERIN): I ONLY LOVE IT BECAUSE--

311

I WANT MY NIPPLES TO
RUN BLOOD RAW.

312

I WANT ALL OF THE OXYGEN TO
BE KNOCKED OUT OF MY LUNGS.

313

YEAH.

314

THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FELT
WHEN I HEARD THIS RULING,

315

LIKE I'D JUMPING ON A
SLIP AND SLIDE TO HARD.

316

SEE BUT THAT SOUNDS FUN,
SO GO HOBBY LOBBY.

317

WELL I DID VOMIT ALL
OVER THE PLACE.

318

OH YOU DID? DID IT TASTE
JUST AS GOOD COMING UP

319

AS IT DID GOING DOWN?

320

YES. SPAGHETTI AND POPCORN.

321

- YEAH.
- MM-HMMM.

322

323

- BRYAN.
- I KNOW.

324

I'M CRAZY RIGHT NOW.

325

YEAH, I KNOW.
CRAZY IN LOVE.

326

WHAT?

327

I DON'T KNOW I WAS JUST
TRYING TO DO BEYONCE

328

WHO'S ALSO FROM TEXAS.

329

THAT'S THE WORSE
TRANSITION EVER.

330

THAT'S WHAT WE PLAN THOUGH.

331

RHETT MILLER'S HERE TODAY.

332

HI RHETT MILLER.

333

HI GUYS.

334

(BRYAN): HOW ARE YOU?

335

ARE YOU ALWAYS PREFACED
WITH A BEYONCE LYRIC?

336

WELL USUALLY, BECAUSE THE
TWO OF US GET CONFUSED A LOT.

337

YEAH.

338

FOR EACH OTHER, YEAH.

339

NOW RHETT, WE KNOW YOU
OBVIOUSLY FROM THE OLD 97'S.

340

AND WE ALSO KNOW YOU
FROM YOUR SOLO CAREER.

341

THANK YOU.

342

WHY DO YOU THINK ACE OF
BASE NEVER WENT SOLO?

343

I DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.

344

YOU DON'T REMEMBER
THEM AT ALL?

345

THEY WERE A SWEDISH 4-PART
GROUP BUT THEY ALL SANG.

346

BUT WAS ACE-- WAS
THERE AN ACE?

347

THERE SHOULD'VE BEEN.

348

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

349

(BRYAN): THAT'S WHAT
SHOULD'VE HAPPENED.

350

(ERIN): THERE WAS NO ACE.

351

(BRYAN): AN ACE FROM
ACE OF BASE.

352

I WAS SOLO IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I WAS A TEEN FOLKY.

353

WHAT WERE YOU LISTENING TO IN
HIGH SCHOOL THAT GOT YOU

354

INTO LIKE, THIS IS THE THING THAT I
WANT TO START SINGING? THIS PERSON.

355

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY. WELL I
LISTENED TO A LOT OF BRITISH

356

AND SCOTTISH STUFF LIKE UH--

357

(BOTH BLURT OUT A BAND NAME)

358

WELL I DID LIKE SHOEGAZE EXCEPT
TEENAGE FANCLUB WAS BIG.

359

- YEP.
- MM-HMMM.

360

BRYAN HAS NO IDEA WHO THAT IS.

361

I DON'T. BUT I LOVE THE NAME.

362

I WAS A HUGE BOWIE FAN.

363

- OF COURSE.
- YEAH.

364

EVENTUALLY I LOVED BELLE AND
SEBASTIAN SPEAKING OF THOSE SCOTS.

365

OOH. SO YOUR NEW ALBUM OR I
GUESS YOUR LATEST ALBUM WITH

366

OLD 97'S IS MOST MESSED UP.

367

YEAH. I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T SAY
LAST ALBUM BECAUSE WHEN

368

PEOPLE SAY THAT IT FREAKS ME OUT,
BECAUSE I'M LIKE ARE

369

YOU GOING TO MURDER ME?
LIKE HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS IS MY

370

LAST ALBUM (LAUGHS).

371

I WANT TO KNOW FROM YOUR
TITLE MOST MESSED UP FROM

372

THE OLD 97S ALBUM WHAT IS
THE MOST MESSED UP YOU'VE

373

EVER BEEN?

374

THERE WAS A NIGHT WHEN
WE WERE DOING PRE-PRODUCTION

375

FOR THIS RECORD, AND MY
FRIEND TOMMY STINSON FROM

376

THE REPLACEMENTS TEXTED ME
AND SAID, I'M PLAYING WITH

377

GUNS AND ROSES HERE
IN DALLAS.

378

HE TEXTS LIKE THAT,
SMOKEY STYLE?

379

EVEN IN HIS TEXT MESSAGES.
HE'S BEEN A ROCK STAR SINCE

380

HE WAS 12 SO HE DOES
WHATEVER HE WANTS.

381

YEAH.

382

COME AND SEE GUNS AND ROSES.
I WENT AND SAW THE GIG, I DIDN'T

383

GET TO MEET AXL BUT WHEN TOMMY
WALKED ME TO DRESS

384

ROOM AFTERWARDS I WALKED
PAST AND OPEN DOOR AT

385

HOUSE OF BLUES AND THERE WAS
A COUCH AND AXL WAS ON THE

386

COUCH IN A MOO MOO WITH A
SMALL ASIAN WOMAN GIVING

387

HIM A FOOT MASSAGE.

388

YES. THANK GOD.

389

IT WAS PERFECT.

390

EVERYTHING IS RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

391

AND SO TOMMY AND I WENT
OUT LATE NIGHT DRINKING AND I

392

FELT LIKE I CAN KEEP UP WITH
TOMMY STINSON I DRINK LIKE A

393

CHAMP RIGHT. NOT. SO, I GOT
BACK TO MY HOTEL I THOUGHT

394

THE BED WAS HERE, THE BED
WAS WAY OVER THERE.

395

I WENT TO TAKE OFF MY SHOES,
AND BROKE MY ELBOW.

396

(GASPS)

397

OH, MAN.

398

SO, TOMMY STINSON WAS
OBVIOUSLY THE BLAME FOR THAT--

399

DID HE TAKE YOU TO THE
EMERGENCY ROOM?

400

NO, BUT I CALLED HIM FROM THE
EMERGENCY ROOM, AND I SAID

401

YOU HAVE TO COME AND PLAY
RHYTHM GUITAR IN THE

402

PRE-PRODUCTION TODAY BECAUSE YOU
DID THIS TO ME, AND HE

403

DID AND THAT ACTUALLY IS WHAT
WOUND UP WITH HIM PLAYING
ON OUR RECORD.

404

NO WAY.

405

CUZ IT SOUNDED REALLY GOOD.

406

THAT'S AMAZING.

407

THE MOST MESSED UP I'VE EVER
BEEN SINCE YOU ASKED--

408

(LAUGHS) NOBODY ASKED.

409

IT WAS THE WORSE NIGHT OF
MY LIFE, I WAS IN NEW JERSEY--

410

(GASP)

411

--GOING TO A PARTY. I JUST DIDN'T
EVEN WANT TO BE THERE,

412

SO I END UP GETTING REALLY
WASTED, AND I CAME BACK ON A

413

BUS TO MANHATTAN. I WAS SO
SICK I ENDED UP IN A

414

BATHROOM AT THE PORT
AUTHORITY BUS TERMINAL, AND

415

MY LIPS TOUCHED THE TOILET
I WAS VOMITING IN.

416

MIND'S WORSE.

417

THAT'S WHY I'M GAY.

418

(LAUGHS)

419

ALL THE FILTH ON THAT
TOILET SEAT. ANYWAY.

420

I WAS IN COLLEGE AND I WAS
GOING TO A JUNIOR COLLEGE

421

BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
I WANTED TO DO WITH MY LIFE,

422

AND I WAS AT A PARTY, A
BASEBALL PARTY, AND THERE IS--

423

A BASEBALL PARTY?

424

I HAD A CRUSH--

425

WAS THAT THE THEME?

426

NO--

427

BASEBALL PLAYERS.

428

(ERIN): YEAH.

429

- THEY'RE CUTE.
- (ERIN): DUH.

430

I HAD A CRUSH ON THE CATCHER,
AND HE WAS MAKING

431

OUT WITH A GIRL IN FRONT
OF ME AND I GOT REALLY SAD

432

AND HE WAS LIKE, DON'T WORRY
I'LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU LATER.

433

AND I WAS LIKE, UHHH... OK.

434

AND I BELIEVED IT. SO LIKE NO
SELF ESTEEM AT ALL RIGHT.

435

SO I WAS LIKE I'LL WAIT FOR
YOU AT MY APARTMENT BECAUSE

436

I WAS ONE OF THE ONLY PEOPLE
WHO HAD AN APARTMENT THERE.

437

SO I WENT HOME AND I WAITED
FOR HIM AND I READ JOHN

438

GRISHAM'S RAINMAKER AND
HE NEVER SHOWED UP.

439

YEAH.

440

EVER.

441

BECAUSE HE PROBABLY HAD A
SIXTH SENSE ABOUT WHAT YOU

442

WERE READING AND HE WAS LIKE,
SHE'S A JOHN GRISHAM

443

FAN? NO. ONLY THING THAT
COULD BE WORSE IS DAN BROWN

444

WHO WASN'T EVEN AROUND.

445

IT WASN'T EVEN DAN BROWN.
NO, DAN BROWN WAS THE NEXT YEAR.

446

HAS OLD 97'S EVER BEEN ON HOT 97?

447

NO, THEY TRIED AND TRIED AND
TRIED, BUT HOT 97 ONLY PLAYS

448

BAD MUSIC.

449

OH, RIGHT. SURE.

450

YOU HEMORRHAGED
YOUR VOCAL CHORDS?

451

OH GOSH...

452

IS THAT REAL?

453

(LAUGHS)

454

DID YOU LIE ABOUT THAT?

455

DID YOU MAKE THAT UP?

456

THERE WAS AN ELEMENT OF
MISDIAGNOSIS. IT WOUND

457

UP NOT BEING AS BAD AS THEY
THOUGHT, AND IT WAS SO CRA--

458

BY THE WAY WHEN DID NEWS
SOURCES START JUST BEING

459

RE-TWEET FACILITIES?

460

SO I TWEETED SOMETHING--

461

5 YEARS AGO.

462

--HEMORRHAGED VOCAL CHORDS.
I HAD TO CANCEL THIS ONE

463

APPEARANCE. AND IT GOT
PICKED UP BY BILLBOARD.

464

IT WAS ON THE FRONT PAGE OF
BILLBOARD. IT WAS ON THE

465

FRONT PAGE OF ROLLING STONES--

466

YEAH.

467

I'M LIKE, THAT WAS THE DAY I
DECIDED I WAS GOING TO QUIT

468

SMOKING BECAUSE I STILL
SMOKED CIGARETTES BACK THEN.

469

YEAH.

470

AND SO I WENT TO THIS DOCTOR
IN NEW YORK BUT THE DOCTOR

471

WAS LIKE, HEY YEAH, THIS
HAPPENS TO LOTS OF SINGERS.

472

YOU WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF
MICK JAGGER'S THROAT? I JUST LOOKED

473

AT IT THE OTHER DAY. AND HE
SHOWED ME A PICTURE OF THE

474

INSIDE OF HIS THROAT--

475

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW WHAT THE INSIDE OF A THROAT

476

LOOKS LIKE, BUT IT LOOKS A
LOT LIKE A VAGINA.

477

I BET.

478

- (BRYAN): THAT'S WHY PEOPLE DO ORAL.
- (ERIN): BLOW JOBS.

479

(LAUGHS)

480

I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

481

I DIDN'T EVEN THINK
ABOUT THAT.

482

YEAH.

483

SO I SAW THE INSIDE OF
MICK JAGGER'S, UM...

484

ME AND DAVID BOWIE.

485

(ERIN): VAGINA?

486

(RHETT): ...THE ONLY PEOPLE.

487

OK, SO RHETT WE WANT TO
PLAY A GAME WITH YOU--

488

OK.

489

CALLED SHADE OR NO SHADE.

490

OK.

491

AND BASICALLY WE JUST CALL
SOMETHING OUT AND YOU EITHER

492

SAY SHADE WHICH MEANS
YOU DON'T LIKE IT OR NO SHADE

493

WHICH MEANS YOU DO LIKE IT.

494

OK.

495

HANK WILLIAMS SENIOR?

496

NO SHADE.

497

YEAH.

498

HANK WILLIAMS JUNIOR?

499

SHADE.

500

MONEY?

501

YOU KNOW I SAY, SHADE.

502

REALLY?

503

YEAH, FUCK THAT SHIT.

504

BETTER THAN I AM.

505

UNLESS YOU WANT TO GIVE
ME SOME, BECAUSE--

506

(BRYAN): RIGHT, EXACTLY.

507

THE VIEW?

508

SHADE.

509

YEAH.

510

PEOPLE IN NORTH CAROLINA
CALLING IT NORTH CACKALACKY?

511

- IS THAT A REAL THING?
- YES.

512

YOU KNOW WHAT? HARD K'S
ARE FUNNY. I'M GOING TO GO

513

NO SHADE.

514

YEAH.

515

THEY ARE FUNNY.

516

PEOPLE WHO WEAR LIFE
VESTS IN SWIMMING POOLS?

517

I'M GOING TO SAY NO SHADE,
BECAUSE I DON'T--

518

I HAVE A SWIMMING POOL,
AND I DON'T WANT ANYBODY DEAD

519

AT THE BOTTOM.

520

YEAH.

521

I'VE ALREADY SAVED TWO KIDS
FROM THAT FREAKIN' THING.

522

- WHAT?
- REALLY?

523

WHY CAN'T THEY SWIM?

524

WELL BECAUSE ONE WAS TWO--

525

NOT AN EXCUSE.

526

AND THE OTHER ONE WAS
A BROOKLYN KID.

527

OOH, YOU CAN'T TEACH CITY KIDS
TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

528

NO.

529

WOULD YOU RATHER WORK WITH,
OH NO, NEVER MIND.

530

I WAS GOING TO ASK IF YOU
WOULD RATHER WORK WITH

531

MARIAH CAREY OR WHITNEY
HOUSTON, BUT THE DECISION

532

HAS BEEN MADE FOR YOU.

533

(ERIN AND BRYAN): THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT.

534

YEAH.

535

THAT TOOK ME A SECOND.

536

THAT'S WHY I HESITATED.
I'M SORRY, BUT IF SHE WERE ALIVE

537

WHO WOULD YOU RATHER
WORK WITH AND NOW IF YOU DON'T

538

SAY HER IT'S GOING
TO LOOK REALLY BAD.

539

I'M GOING TO SAY WHITNEY.

540

YEAH.

541

EXACTLY. THAT'S IT.

542

SHE KNOWS HOW TO PARTY. WOAH.

543

YOU WON.

544

YOU GUYS KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

545

YEAH, WE CERTAINLY DO.

546

THANK YOU SO MUCH, AND YOU'RE
GOING TO PLAY A SONG FOR US?

547

YEAH.

548

OK. WE LOVE IT.

549

- IT WAS SUCH A PLEASURE.
- YOU'RE A DOLL.

550

YOU'RE AMAZING.

551

YOU'RE MY FELLOW TEXANS.

552

YES. WE'RE DOING IT TOGETHER.

553

(BRYAN): ABSOLUTELY.

554

LOOK I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
GUYS MY NUMBER. JUST CALL

555

ME EVERY 5 MINUTES.

556

(LAUGHS) OK.

557

YOU KNOW TEXANS.

558

(BRYAN): DEAL.

559

(ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING)

560

YOUR EYES ARE THE
COLOR OF THE EARTH

561

AS SEEN FROM
OUTER SPACE

562

YOU GOT A
GORGEOUS FACE

563

THOUGH ITS A LITTLE ODD

564

TELL ME THAT
YOU LIKE THE

565

SONGS THAT TELL
THE STORY OF

566

REAL LOVE

567

THE KIND THAT'S FLAWED

568

569

LET'S DRINK WHISKEY
AND DO IT

570

ALL NIGHT LONG

571

YEAH, LET'S GET DRUNK

572

AND GET IT ON

573

574

I'LL TAKE YOU TO A CHEAP
HOTEL OUT ON THE INTERSTATE

575

WELL YOU LOOK SO GREAT, TO ME

576

577

THIS IS THE PERFECT PLACE
FOR A RENDEZVOUS

578

ITS GOT A ROTTEN VIEW

579

BUT THE ICE IS FREE

580

581

LET'S DRINK WHISKEY
AND DO

582

IT ALL NIGHT LONG

583

YEAH, LET'S GET
DRUNK AND GET IT ON

584

585

(WHISTLES) WOO!

586

587

LAY OUT A BLANKET BENEATH
THE WATER TOWER

588

WATCH THE METEOR SHOWER
AND HEAVEN ON DISPLAY

589

590

WE GOT RIGHT HERE,
RIGHT NOW, LUCKY US

591

WELL ITS WONDROUS,

592

WHAT A PERFECT DAY

593

594

DRINK CHAMPAGNE
AND MAKE

595

LOVE ALL
NIGHT LONG

596

LET'S GET DRUNK
AND GET IT ON

597

598

LET'S DRINK WHISKEY AND
DO IT ALL NIGHT LONG

599

LET'S GET DRUNK
AND GET IT ON

600

601

LET'S GET DRUNK
AND GET IT ON

602

603

LET'S GET DRUNK
AND GET IT ON

604

WOO HOO! AHH YEAH!

605

606

(STUDIO CHEERS)

607

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