Thanks, guys, thanks, guys. How are you ladies doing? I didn't
say, "How are you guys doing," because I don't give a fuck about the
guys. I saw this guy reading a book the other day at work, it was one
of those For Dummies books, you seen these? The yellow For Dummies
books? Why would you read that book, why would you walk around with a
book that insults you? I'm a dummy, this book calls me an idiot, just
to let you guys know. That's like a guy walking around with a book that
says Dating for Assholes. And it's silly, too, because the book he was
reading, uh, was called Reading Books for Dummies. It's like, how can
you learn what your learning disability is?
Why do they put ads
on racecars? You know? Jiffy Lube, zyoom...! Wonderbread, zyoom...!
Who's idea was that? Sorry, man. But who's idea was that? Let's put ads
on a car going 200 MPH so everyone can see it. I think they should put
ads on turtles. Broadcasting on turtle crossings nationwide. That
reminds me of when I grew up in this neighborhood, the people who
designed my neighborhood, I always thought that they were assholes cuz
when they put the turtle crossing, they built it across a 6 lane
highway. That's cruel, how are you gonna put a turtle crossing across a
lane highway? And they have a speed limit sign that just says "Fuck
you!" Every time I drive over it my car goes, "Joot joot joot joot joot
joot joot joot joot." It's the circle of life, it's the circle of life!
the kitty cats come out and eat the carcasses. And I used to loved to
go pet them because I'm really good at petting kitty cats. I just now
exactly where to hit the spot, and at the same time while I'm petting
them I go, "Yes, I love to pet the pussy, I love to pet the pussy." You
think that's funny? It's funnier to me cuz at the same time, thei
face, they're looking at me, they go, "Rehrrrr! Rehrrrr!" They love
Which reminds me: if someone tells you they're a
pathological liar, do you believe them? Cuz to be completely honest
with you guys, I'm a liar. Like, people always ask me, "Hey, Mike! How
come you never answer the question you're being asked?" So I tell them:
"Because it tastes great. Because it tastes great..."
guys are cool, I'll be damned. No, really, I'll be damned. I sold my
soul to the goddamn devil. And all I got was a shirt for it, she gave
me a shirt. The shirt she gave me says: "I sold my soul to the devil
and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." That's a terrible trade-off.
That's right, she. In my joke Satan is a woman cuz I believe a woman
has every right to be portrayed as the devil. For once. Thank you.
of which... which... (sneeze) Speaking of witches, what's this
replacing "history" with "herstory"? You know March is Women's Herstory
Month? That's a bullshit word. Feminism is ruining the Ingles language.
You never hear anyone say, "Try reading the wo-manual." Well, I guess
unless you need to learn how to be a bitch. Am I right? (goes to hi-5 a
cross-armed woman, who refuses) Looks like someone's been reading he
wo-manual! She's got the 2009 edition.
See, I'm—I'm not like
other guys. Like, I'm not that into sports. I'm more into games like,
like you know, sports, somebody wins, someone loses, it could go eithe
way every time. I like games where everybody loses. Like voting fo
president! Or sex after 60. Or sex with 60 year olds, in my case. No!
Uh... Am I right? (goes to get hi-5 again from same woman, who again
refuses) I've been meaning to ask you, what is that? (points at random
spot on the table; when they look, walks away)
If you guys read
the newspaper, you might be aware of this recent—I recently read this
in the paper. This is for those of you who don't keep up to date with
the latest news... as of yesterday. But did you know the Latinos are
the #1 Hispanics in South America? Sorry, Spanish people, you were #2.
And that's all you'll ever be...
I was at Denny's the other day,
you guys been to Denny's? The waitresses there freak me the fuck out.
They look like they play in the WNBA, they're giants! I wonder where
they make this—this, uh... Denny's waitress factory. What are they
making these waitresses out of? They're 60 feet tall, they come up to
your table: Bookh! Bookh! Bookh! "Can I get you guys anything else?
OK." (suck air) Bookh! (suck air) Bookh! (suck air) Bookh! The othe
ones that don't sound like that sound like they've been smoking since
they were 3. "You didn't want the blueberries?" No, there's blood and
vomit in it, Paige.
Before I let you guys go, I just wanna tell
you this thought I had the other day. You know, the thing that I really
wonder about a lot is, I wonder who the best rapist in the world is.
I'm juhbuh juhbuh. Go to myspace.com/jubuhjuhbuh. (goes off stage to
make love to pretty ladies)