How I Seize It #28: "Sex Education"

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Uh...
Hey!
Hey...
This here's uh...
another important time for a lesson uh...
y'all know what I'm here for.
It's time for another important lesson
on How I Seize It
and your gal Loretta Jenkins
is just the bitch to tell y'all
how things ought to be.
Y'all ain't gonna believes what I found
when I was shoppin' on the lines.
They got this breast feedin' baby doll
for youngins!
That's right!
You heard me.
They got all this Spanish writin' on the box-
and hell, I ain't hardly got a handle on English.
But they got these pictures of this seven year old
on there all smilin' and happy.
And she gettin' ready to pull out her invisible pre-teen titty
and feed it to a plastic baby doll!
I mean, I hate youngins,
but that...
That ain't right!
That ain't right...
(burps)
I mean somebody needs to get deported for that shit.
Seven might be the average age to poppin' out Mexiyoungins,
but this is America!
We got standards!
I mean at least they ought to have some
hair on they cooters before they get to be a momma.
Unless you got that Brazilly wax thing
where they like jeck off all the hair
with that syrup or somethin'.
I had that done once,
and that German bitch,
she like tore off half my labia!
But I made them fix it,
cause I wasn't about to be like old Paris Hilton
and have a crooked pussy.
(laughs)
I'm sorry, y'all...
That don't never get old!
(laughs)
"Hey!
I'm a crooked pussy!"
I like that one movie where that dude
gets his chest hair all rip off and he's like,
"Oooh, sumbitch!
Ow dang, Kelly fuckin' Clarkson, or some shit..."
Hell, I can't remember...
I mean, whoever invented these
Little-Miss-Suck-A-Titty Dolls,
they ought to be locked up
for bein' a child sex register offender!
And that brings me to my point.
You ignorant sumbitches out there
that's got toddlers walkin' around
booby-feedin' they fake-ass plastic youngins,
than it is high time that you learnt them
how NOT to get knocked up.
And that's where I come in.
Now gals, I know most of y'all
ain't used to somethin' this big,
but I think this one must come from
the Dominican Republic or somethin',
cause this fucker is huge.
He he he...
But y'all if it's green,
y'all don't need to be touchin' it noways.
Okay gals...
This here is a rubbe
and it goes on the pecker.
Uh...
If you seven and you don't know
what a pecker is,
than you probably a lesbian anyway,
and you just needs to worry about
is where's the nearest Home Depot.
Now I guaran-damn-tee you
your feller is gonna say,
"It's too little," o
"I'll pull out," or, or, or...
"I can't feel nothin'."
And you say,
"Like hell it is!"
"Like hell you will!" o
"Than go jerk off, Fuckwad!"
Alright, now here's how you do it-
(Condom breaks.)
(Condom breaks.)
(Condom breaks.)
(Condom breaks.)
GODDAMNIT!!!
(Condom breaks.)
(Condom breaks.)
(Condom breaks.)
(Condom breaks.)
Goddamn Sumbitch Rubbers!!!
Now if they break,
you just use a Zippity Lock bag
or whatever's handy.
Now, if it break and your dude
shoot up in you...
Run real fast outside,
turn the water hose on
as fast as it will go.
Full Blast!
And I think you can flush
most of it up out of you.
I done that a couple of times.
I think that works.
And remember,
it's best to sit at home and rub one out,
cause an uncovered dick
is a life of babies on your hips,
and that's How I Seize It.