A stop motion cartoon featuring cyber-object appropriation, ungroomed vaginas,... more »

Full Credits

Jeff Douglas (voice)
Allan Pero (voice)
Richard Cheese (music)


To Whom Does that Vagina Belong? Pretentious grad students at a Halloween soirée. Richard Cheese’s rendition of “Smack My Bitch Up” plays in the background. Centre screen is a new Master’s student wearing an ungroomed vagina on his head. Ph.D. candidate enters with drink in hand. He is wearing a costume that looks like a naked Barbie doll. PhD: So. How’s it going? New MA: N—not bad. (Drinks. Clears throat.). PhD: So. Cool costume. New MA: Oh… And that’s quite the… ensemble. PhD: Heh. Getting here on the bus was a little (nervous laugh) interesting… to say the least. New MA: Yeah— PhD: You know, between undergraduate frat boys boisterously commenting on what a nice piece of ass I am and the other random public-transients who totally misinterpreted my intention:— “Hey look, it’s naked Barbie”—which is fine because, I mean, it’s Halloween and if Barbie were a real person she’d be 8 feet tall and weigh 100 pounds and be this horrific, surrealist depiction of starvation in progress— New MA: When— PhD: When yeah—clearly I’m… the “creature in a post-gender world” from Donna Haraway’s “A Cyborg Manifesto”. NEW MA: I was going to say— PhD: You know, you put all this effort into a costume that has both literary and philosophical relevance — NEW MA: Yeah I know what you mean. (Pause. Drinks.) PhD: So. I hate to admit this, but I can’t figure you out——what are you? New MA: (Takes a drink. Clears throat.) I am… dressed as… hysteria— PhD: Yeah yeah, I got the whole wandering womb thing… I mean the fact that you’re wearing an ungroomed vagina as a sort of undomesticated gynic hinterland is (chortle) fairly conspicuous— (Dialogue continues in background as scene changes) But are you suggesting that the existence of such a region as untamed, feral—Bacchic, in a sense—is a metonymic indication that a woman might be suffering from a form of localized hysteria? Scene 2 Grad 1/Pat (Wearing a costume of fecal material): So. You guys still haven’t said anything about my costume. Grad 2 (Marcus): What would you like us to say? Pat: Well—you—you just haven’t guessed what it is. Grad 3 (Simon): Isn’t it a little obvious? Pat: I don’t think so. Simon: It is quite evident that you are dressed as Bob Hope’s stool sample as portrayed in The Salton Sea. Pat: (Takes sip of drink.) My only regret is that I couldn’t find a higher definition image to work from. I downloaded the movie in a high-resolution DVD xvid file, ripped the image from the stool-heist scene and had it blown up at Staples Business Depot. I still wasn’t happy with it. I was up all night paper mâchéing to get all the lumps and depressions right. Marcus: Although I would agree that you have at least approached the perimeter of an authentic rendering of Bob Hope’s stool, my main criticism of your costume is that it could easily have been interpreted as abjection. Just saying. And since we’re on the subject of costumes— Simon: (cuts in) The first Sleepaway Camp film: the midsection of the model hired to double for Samantha at the revelation scene when she’s standing naked over the corpse of her decapitated love interest, poised with the knife, revealing not only that she is the simultaneous villain/protagonist in the film—the anti-hero, if you will—but also that she was a he all along and that his/her murderous rampage was brought about by gender identity conflict and confused sexuality—et cetera, et cetera. (Emphasizes the etcs with closed eyes.) Marcus: A very progressive piece of social commentary for its time, the first Sleepaway Camp. Pat: Goddamn it! How do you manage to retain this trivial knowledge that erodes the very epistemological fabric of humanity? Marcus: He is able to retain this trivial knowledge the same way I know that he is dressed as the birth sequence from Xtro. Simon: What? Marcus: (Speaking to someone off screen.) Pinyin. What is Simon dressed as? Pinyin: (From off screen.) Birth sequence from Xtro. Marcus: You see, I know that Simon is dressed as the birth sequence from Xtro the same way I know that Pinyin is dressed as the double-ended pleasure device from Requiem for a Dream (enter and exit Pinyin wearing black dildo costume)—really, meant in the film more for spectacle than for libidinal gratification— Pat: What the hell is Xtro? Marcus: What the hell is Xtro? Only a cult horror/sci-fi classic that depicts one of the most spectacular satires on male desire and Freudian womb fantasy— Simon: (Breaks in.) It’s not from any film. (Silence.) My costume. It’s not from any film. It’s just a random vaginal birth I ripped from Google. (Silence.) Pat: That’s got to be a violation of ethics—but if flip-flops aren’t wrong then nothing is wrong… (Pause.) So, then… whose vagina is that? (Silence.) Pat: Am I the only one who feels a little uncomfortable not knowing whose vaginal birth I’m standing beside? (Silence.) (More silence.) Fin