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Because we've all been through some shitty breakups, been one hell of a hot mess, and... more »
Published June 27, 2014 310 views More Info »
26 Funny Votes
4 Die Votes
305 Views
Published June 27, 2014
MANDY
Jesus Sarah! What the hell have you
done to this place?
ABBEY
Ow! Oh my god. Is that a dead animal?
MANDY
Sarah, have you been feeding
Pumpkin?
SARAH
(monotone)
Pumpkin? She’s around here
somewhere...
ABBEY
Holy fuck, Sarah, did you let you
cat die?
SARAH
No. She’s just tired and sad, like
me.
MANDY
Ew, are you sitting on
Ben’s crappy shit?
SARAH
It’s all I have left of him Mandy!
Don’t judge me.
MANDY
He didn’t die Sis, he left you,
there’s a difference--
SARAH
I would feel better if he had died!
(Beat) No I wouldn’t
.
SARAH begins to cry, she shovels more cake into her mouth.
ABBEY
Oh no, Sar Bear, don’t cry! Hey!
Guess what? I got you something!

ABBEY shakes a gift bag at SARAH.
SARAH
Prozac? A new heart?
ABBEY
Er, no... Something even better!
ABBEY pulls out a BOXED VIBRATOR.

SARAH
I don’t want a vibrator Abbey! I
just got dumped by the only man
I’ve ever loved. I just want
Ben--Ben had the perfect penis.

ABBEY
Too bad you didn’t think to mold
his penis before he dumped you, then we could’ve made you a custom cock.
Hey Sar, if you don’t want this
one, can I keep it? It’s like a
super nice one--it’s got like a
suction cup end, so you can stick
it to the walls and stuff--
SARAH and MANDY stop and stare at ABBEY.
ABBEY CNT..
What?
MANDY
I don’t want to think about you
fucking every wall of your house!
ABBEY
Wow, okay slut shamer! Take off
your judgey pants will ya?
MANDY
Put your slut pants back ON you
little trollop!
SARAH
Will you guys shut up!
MANDY
Sarah! I’m gonna need you to put
down the chocolate cake, and get up
before your legs atrophy. I don’t
even want to know how long you’ve
been in this exact spot-
3 days.
SARAH ABBEY
Smells like 3 days--
MANDY reaches for the cake, SARAH pulls it in closer.
(CONTINUED)
3.
CONTINUED:
4.
MANDY
Give me the cake!
SARAH
No! I made it, it’s mine, you can’t
have it! You won’t appreciate it
like I will. No one will! NO ONE!
MANDY yanks the cake away and tosses it into a pile of
clutter on the floor. MANDY grabs a cup of water and a straw
and gives it to SARAH.
MANDY
Drink this-- you’re probably so
dehydrated you’re delusional.
SARAH leans in to take a sip from the straw. She gets some
water into her mouth and then limply spits it out.
SARAH
I don't like it...
MANDY
You look like a sad drunk baby who
just spat up on herself.
SARAH
Be nice to me! I’m heartbroken!
ABBEY
Babe, you’re a hot mess! Only, you
no longer look hot. You smell, and
you look like a homeless person,
that shirt is seriously
disgusting--
MANDY
Is that his shirt?
SARAH
Er, no?
MANDY
Take it off. Now.
SARAH
But it smells like him--
ABBEY
It smells like body odor and
chocolate frosting--
MANDY
You were wearing two of his shirts?
SARAH
I got cold.
ABBEY
You could try some pants next time.
SARAH
I can’t do this.
MANDY
You have to.
SARAH
(heavy sniffles)
But I- I-
MANDY lays down on the ground next to SARAH.
MANDY
Hey, look at me. You’re going to be
ok. And not just because that’s
what I’m suppose to say, but
because I know you. You may not
have your shit together now, but
you usually do, because you’re the
strongest person I know.
SARAH
It feels like my insides are dying-
ABBEY
Well that might be more from the
chocolate cake, and flaming hot cheetos, and whatever this Pepsi White shit is... What the hell is Pepsi White?
ABBEY examines a soda can curiously.
SARAH
It’s yogurt flavored pepsi. It’s
not very good.
ABBEY
You drank 12 cans of it-
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED:
6.
SARAH
You become numb to the flavor afte
can number five.
ABBEY
You’ve become a sad gross little
human.
SARAH
Go suck one Abbey.
ABBEY
Tis’ not I who should be sucking
one Sar Bear- This is an exciting
time for you babe! There are so
many hot guys in LA and you deserve
to be properly man handled by every
single one of them.
SARAH
I can’t even think about kissing
someone else-
ABBEY
That is where you and I totally
differ-
MANDY
Alright Sarah, in 3 seconds I am
going to help you up off this
floor, and then we’re gonna get you
showered and wash--
(looks sarah up and down,
ushers to her grossness)
All of the crustiness away. Ok?
Ready? (beat) 1- 2- 3!
SARAH groans. MANDY helps SARAH up.

SARAH

I hate you!

VIBRATOR NOISE.
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