Celebrities See All

Close

Quick Links

or
We have "True Detective" DVR'd but we haven't had time to watch it! Please, everyone... more »
Published February 18, 2014 62k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

1

THIS IS THROWING SHADE.

2

WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,

3

AND HOMOSENUAL BRYAN SAFI, TAKE A LOOK AT THE

4

HEADLINES AND POLITICS, AND POP CULTURE,

5

AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH LESS RESPECT THAN

6

THEY DESERVE.

7

CAN YOU HANDLE IT?

8

- POPCORN FOR BREAKFAST.

9

- OH YOU ARE CLASS, AND--

10

- THAT'S WHAT I DID THIS MORNING.

11

-- SOPHISTICATION, WRAPPED IN A BURRITO.

12

- YEAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
- YEAH.

13

- I WOKE UP, WENT OUT INTO THE LOBBY, LIVING ROOM.

14

- BUT YOU PRETEND THAT YOUR HOUSE IS LIKE A MOVIE THEATRE.

15

- I DO.
- YEAH.

16

- I DO-- I HAVE-- I SAY, AND I PLAY ALL THE PARTS.

17

- YEAH.

18

- I PLAY THE USHER. COME ONE COME ALL.

19

I PLAY THE TICKET TAKER.

20

- 12 YEARS A SLAVE IS PLAYING IN YOUR BEDROOM

21

RIGHT NOW.

22

- ABSOLUTELY.
- YEAH.

23

- AND I GO IN AND I WATCH THE MOVIE, AND I WEEP,

24

BUT I HAVE TO PRETEND THAT ALL OF THE SCENES

25

ARE THERE, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE PROJECTION.

26

SO I DID THAT, AND THEN I WENT TO THE GYM.

27

- WELL DONE. OH YOU WENT TO THE GYM? THAT'S WHY

28

YOU WERE LATE TODAY. I SEE.

29

- THAT IS. I WAS APPROXIMATELY 20 MINUTES LATE--

30

- I DIDN'T GET TO GO TO THE GYM, AND I HAD TO DO 14 HOURS--

31

- OH YOU DIDN'T? YOU NEED TO WAKE UP EARLIER.

32

- I DID 14 HOURS OF HAIR AND MAKEUP TODAY.

33

- OH REALLY?

34

- DO YOU THINK THIS JUST HAPPENS?

35

- NO--

36

- THIS?

37

- NO--

38

- YOU THINK THIS JUST HAPPENS?
- YES.

39

- THE HAIR WAS NOT DRY THOUGH.

40

- THIS IS NATURAL DRYING.

41

- OH.

42

- WITH MY HAIR, IF IT'S NOT STYLED IN THE FRONT,

43

ITS PURE 70S LIBRARIAN.

44

- OH YEAH.

45

- FRAZZLED--

46

- AND IF NOTHING'S DONE TO IT, AS WE KNOW, IT'S

47

MICHELLE DUGGAR.

48

- IT IS DUGGAR ALL THE WAY. NO, MY BANGS HAVE

49

GROWN OUT.

50

- [BRYAN]: OH, THAT'S GOOD.

51

- [ERIN]: BY THE WAY, TODAY, THE TODAY SHOW.COM BLOG

52

OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT--

53

- SURE.

54

- THEY PUBLISHED A TOP 10 SEX TIPS BY THE DUGGARS.

55

- SHUT UP.

56

- I'M NOT JOKING. I WAS GOING TO TALK ABOUT

57

IT TODAY, BUT THEN SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED--

58

- OH GOD. I'M GOING TO THROW UP--

59

- AND ONE OF THEM WAS TO UM, I DON'T HAVE THE

60

DIRECT QUOTE, BUT IT WAS BASICALLY LIKE,

61

WHEN YOUR HUSBAND COMES IN WITH A BONER--

62

- THAT'S WHAT MICHELLE DUGGAR SAID--

63

- WELL I'M PUTTING IT NORMAL, LIKE HOW PEOPLE WOULD

64

- TALK TERMS. WELL I WAS HARASSED ALL WEEKEND--

65

- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT--

66

- ON ALL ENDS--

67

- WHAT HAPPENED?

68

- FIRST, I HAVEN'T SEEN TRUE DETECTIVE, SO

69

I WISH EVERYONE WOULD STOP FUCKING--

70

- YEAH, REALLY. I HAVEN'T EITHER--

71

- LIKE GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, I HAVE SHIT TO DO--

72

- I HAVE THEM ALL RECORDED, BUT I'M NOT READING

73

THAT CRAZY BOOK THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE--

74

- YELLOW KING?

75

- YEAH. NO. IN FACT I WAS GOING TO WATCH TRUE

76

DETECTIVE UNTIL THAT YELLOW KING ENTERED THE

77

PICTURE, AND NOW I'M LIKE, I'M NOT DOING

78

GEORGE R. MARTIN, TOLKEIN, I'M NOT DOING THAT.

79

- YEAH.

80

- I'M NOT DOING THAT, AND I'LL NEVER DO IT--

81

- I THINK HIS NAME IS ROBERT WALKER WHO

82

WROTE THAT, RIGHT?

83

- YEAH, BUT IT'S ALL THE SAME, WITCH, WARLOCK,

84

DWARF, GNOME. I'M NOT DOING THAT.

85

- YEAH. YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT.

86

- AND NOW I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE, BECAUSE

87

OF THE YELLOW KING.

88

- THE MAIL CARRIER, THE PERSON AT GELSONS--

89

- WAS WHAT, TRUE DETECTIVE?

90

- HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING TRUE DETECTIVE?

91

- OH.

92

- NO, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT I DO

93

WITH MY TIME.

94

- YEAH. EXACTLY.

95

- I WENT TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY LAST NIGHT, AND

96

EVERYONE WANTED TO KNOW IF I HAD WATCHED

97

TRUE DETECTIVE--

98

- I HATE IT--

99

-- SO YOU CAN TALK NOW--

100

- NOW, I HATE IT.

101

- GO IN A CORNER AND TALK ABOUT IT.

102

- I'M NEVER GOING TO WATCH THAT FUCKING SHOW.

103

I ACTUALLY HATE IT NOW, AND I HATE ANYONE WHO

104

LIKES IT. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

105

IT'S THAT WHOLE MAD MEN, BREAKING BAD THING.

106

YEAH, IT'S A GOOD SHOW. GUESS WHO'S RUINING

107

IT. ASSHOLES LIKE YOU.

108

- YOU ARE-- THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I FELT

109

VERY ATTACKED--

110

- YEAH.

111

- I FELT I DIDN'T HAVE THE ANSWER FOR PEOPLE.

112

I WASN'T GIVING THEM THE ANSWER THEY WANTED,

113

AND THIS IS THE WORSE REACTION ANYONE

114

COULD EVER HAVE ABOUT ANYTHING.

115

OH, ARE YOU DOING X? NO, I'M NOT.

116

WHAT?

117

- YEAH.

118

- YOU'RE NOT DOING THIS THING. IT'S SO

119

IMPORTANT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AS A HUMAN BEING

120

TO WATCH THIS THING. EVERYBODY CALM DOWN--

121

- YEAH.

122

--TAKE A CHILL PILL...

123

- AND TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY ANTENNA.

124

- THANK YOU. YEAH. OH YOU HAD YOUR CAR ANTENNA

125

RIPPED OFF FROM PEOPLE WHO DO THIS. THEY GET SO ANGRY.

126

- YEAH, EXACTLY
- YEAH.

127

- SECONDLY, I WAS RIDING MY BICYCLE YESTERDAY,

128

TO THE MAILBOX.

129

- WE NEVER HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT THAT ENOUGH.

130

- WELL GUESS WHAT? SOMEONE IN AN A8 ROLLED DOWN HIS WINDOW--

131

- WHAT'S AN A8?

132

- [TOGETHER]: IT'S AN AUDI.

133

- YEAH.

134

- OH I WAS RIGHT.

135

- YEAH. ROLLED DOWN HIS WINDOW, AND CALLED

136

ME A FAGGOT. ALESSANDRO AND I WERE BOTH ON

137

OUR BICYCLES, HELMETS, BACKPACKS--

138

- OH SO YOU DESERVED IT. SO YOU DID DESERVE IT.

139

- NO, I DIDN'T.

140

- ALREADY IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DESERVED IT.

141

- WELL, I WAS RIDING MY BIKE. WE WERE SINGLE

142

FILE, BECAUSE WE HAVE A CODE--

143

- YOU DESERVED IT.

144

- YEAH.

145

- A8 HONKED AT ME FROM BEHIND, THEN HONKED

146

AT ALE, AND THEN ROLLED DOWN HIS WINDOW, AND

147

SAID, FAGGOTS, YOU STUPID FAGGOTS ON BICYCLES.

148

- YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO CATCH WHO IT WAS DID YOU?

149

- OH, IT WAS YOU?

150

- IT WAS ME.

151

- WHEN DID YOU BUY A WHITE A8?

152

- OH, I JUST STOLE IT.

153

- AND REALLY, IF YOU CAN, JUST DO AN A10.

154

- YEAH.

155

- KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

156

- NO, I KNOW.

157

- LIKE WHY STOP THERE?

158

- WELL BECAUSE LIKE YOU WORK YOUR WAY UP.

159

SO WHAT DID YOU DO? DID YOU CHASE HIM DOWN?

160

- NO. WELL WE DID GET FASTER, AND HE CALLED US

161

FAGGOT, AND I SAID, FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING

162

ASS HOLE, AND I ROLLED MY BIKE WITH MY MIDDLE

163

FINGER OUT UNTIL HE DROVE AWAY.

164

SO, I'M A FAGGOT NOW, SO WE'RE TOGETHER

165

IN THIS. YEAH.

166

- I DO THINK PEOPLE ARE STICKING THEIR BICYCLE SEATS

167

IN THEIR BUTT HOLES.

168

- YEAH. OH ABSOLUTELY. NO, I WAS DOING THAT.

169

AND I WAS JUST...

170

171

- YEP.

172

173

IF ONE MORE BICYCLIST LOOKS AT ME WHILE I'M

174

TURNING, AND GOES...

175

176

- I HATE THAT SHIT.

177

- WHO DOES THAT?

178

- ASSHOLES. AND REALLY, IT'S PROBABLY

179

MY FAULT. I GIVE NO ONE THE RIGHT OF WAY.

180

- YOU HAVE TO STOP AT THE STOP--

181

- BUT IF YOU SHAKE YOUR HEAD AT ME, GUESS WHAT

182

I'M GOING TO SHAKE AT YOU?

183

- YOUR DICK. OH, OKAY.

184

- YEAH.

185

- AND MY DICK.
- YEAH.

186

- SOMEONE DID REMIND ME THAT THE ONLY TIME

187

THAT I SAID IT WAS OKAY TO CALL SOMEONE A FAGGOT IS

188

IF AN OLD LADY IS RIDING A BICYCLE,

189

AND THEN-- SHOWED ME THAT, AND I WAS LIKE,

190

I AM NOT OLD--

191

- THAT'S WHY I'M SAYING, IT WAS OKAY.

192

- IT IS THE EDERLY. IT IS THE EDERLY.

193

- IT WAS THE OKAY.
YEAH.

194

- IF HE LOOKS LIKE A WITCH, AND YOUR OLD,

195

THEN YOU CAN CALL SOMEONE A FAGGOT ON A BICYCLE,

196

BUT NOT ME, I'M IN THE PRIME OF MY LIFE.

197

I'M IN THE PRIME RIB OF MY LIFE.

198

- YEAH.

199

- YOU KNOW.

200

- I'M PRIME RIB--
- GOOD JOB.

201

- THANKS.

202

203

- ERIN THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

204

- OH.

205

- REMEMBER THE WIZARD OF OZ?

206

- THERE'S ALSO NO PLACE LIKE SHOW BUSINESS.

207

- THERE WAS NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS.

208

- THAT'S NOT HOW THE SAYING--

209

- OH IT ISN'T?

210

- NO.

211

- OH, OKAY THEN, WELL YOU KNOW--

212

- [singing] THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE SHOW BUSINESS

213

- IT DOES RHYME, SO I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

214

- YEAH.

215

- IN THIS CASE, THERE REALLY IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME,

216

ESPECIALLY WHEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT KANSAS.

217

- SO THERE WAS A BILL THAT WAS JUST OVERWHELMINGLY,

218

BY A HUGE MARGIN, PASSED THE KANSAS HOUSE

219

OF REPRESENTATIVES--

220

- YEAH. THE K-HOUSE.

221

- THE K-HOUSE. YEAH.

222

THIS IS HOUSE BILL NUMBER 2453--

223

- SEXY.

224

- YES.

225

- WHICH BASICALLY SAYS-- I'LL READ PART OF THE BILL

226

RIGHT NOW. THAT NO INDIVIDUAL OR RELIGIOUS

227

ENTITY SHALL BE REQUIRED BY ANY GOVERNMENTAL

228

ENTITY TO DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:

229

PROVIDE ANY SERVICES, ACCOMMODATIONS,

230

ADVANTAGES, FACILITIES, GOODS OR PRIVILEGES,

231

PROVIDE COUNSELING, ADOPTION, FOSTER CARE,

232

AND OTHER SOCIAL SERVICES OR PROVIDE

233

EMPLOYMENT OR EMPLOYMENT BENEFITS RELATED TO

234

OR RELATED TO THE CELEBRATION OF GAY MARRIAGE,

235

DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIP, CIVIL UNION, OR

236

SIMILAR ARRANGEMENT.

237

THIS IS-- WHAT IS SO CRAZY ABOUT THIS--

238

- SO DISCRIMINATION.

239

- DISCRIMINATION, AND IT'S NOT JUST SAYING

240

RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS, IT'S BASICALLY--

241

- BURGER KING WON'T GIVE YOU--

242

--IT'S SAYING IF THE PERSON WHO RUNS ANY BUSINESS

243

IS RELIGIOUS AND PART OF THEIR RELIGION IS

244

WE DON'T LIKE GAY PEOPLE, YOU CAN BASICALLY BE

245

REFUSED TO BE SERVED.

246

WHAT'S EVEN CRAZIER IS ON BROADER SCOPE,

247

THIS ALSO APPLIES TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE,

248

WHO SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE, WHO WERE EVER

249

INVOLVED IN SOME SORT OF CEREMONY WITH A

250

CIVIL UNION. ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

251

- SO IF YOU SAW TWO GAY PEOPLE GET MARRIED,

252

IN NEW YORK--

253

- BASICALLY.

254

- YOU CAN'T GO AND GET YOUR CAKES DONE AT CAKES BY CATHY.

255

- ABSOLUTELY.

256

THE BILL'S SPONSOR, CHARLES MACHEERS. HONEY,

257

CHARLES MA-BOOS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

258

- [ERIN]: YEAH. EXACTLY.

259

- YOU KNOW THAT I KNEW SOMEONE THAT NAMED...

260

OH WHAT WAS HER LAST NAME, MCBOOBINFARTY.

261

NO JOKE.

262

SO, CHARLE'S MACHEERS SAYS, DISCRIMINATION IS HORRIBLE,

263

THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES THROUGH OUT HISTORY

264

WHERE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PERSECUTED FOR THEIR

265

RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, BECAUSE THEY WERE UNPOPULAR.

266

THIS BILL PROVIDES A SHIELD OF PROTECTION FOR THAT.

267

- SO IN HIS MIND IT GOES, THE CRUSADES, GAY MARRIAGE.

268

- ABSOLUTELY. EXACTLY--

269

- NOTHING IN BETWEEN.

270

WHICH IS ALSO SO RICH ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING IS

271

I LOVE, AND I MENTIONED IT BEFORE, BUT I LOVE

272

WHEN PEOPLE USE, OUR LANGUAGE AGAINST US.

273

- YES.

274

- FOR INSTANCE, WHEN I WAS, COMING OUT, AND MY PARENTS WERE FREAKING OUT

275

- [singing] I'M COMING OUT--

276

- YEP. I BLARED DIANA ROSS, PUT ON A WIG,

277

CAME OUT, AND WAS LIKE DEAL.

278

AND THEY WERE LIKE, NO DEAL.

279

- YEAH.

280

- SO ANYWAY, MY MOM WOULD SAY THE SAME KIND

281

OF THING TO ME LIKE, GOD, WHY CAN'T YOU

282

BE OPEN MINDED. WHY ARE YOU SO CLOSED OFF

283

TO WOMAN? AND I WAS LIKE, YOU DON'T GET TO USED THAT

284

PHRASE. YOU DON'T GET TO USE THE PHRASE OPEN

285

MINDED. IT'S THE SAME SHIT HERE--

286

- WHY IS SHE SO CLOSED MINDED ABOUT WOMAN.

287

- BOO-YAH.

288

- MOM--

289

- BOOYAKASHA

290

- MOM, GO DOWN ON A WOMAN, AND TELL ME HOW YOU

291

FEEL ABOUT IT, OKAY?

292

- ALRIGHT. RUSSIA DOESN'T HAVE A LAW THIS CRAZY.

293

- WOW.

294

- THEY REALLY DON'T.

295

I MEAN AT LEAST, HEY LISTEN, RUSSIA'S GREAT--

296

- WAIT, HOLD ON, BUT THEY JUST ARRESTED SOMEONE

297

WHO WAS TRANSGENDERED--

298

- NO, BUT, I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS LIKE

299

THERE IS A LAW AS EQUALLY OBNOXIOUS

300

AND DISGUSTING HERE-- IN OTHER WORDS, I'M

301

THINKING GAY PEOPLE COULD GO GET A--

302

- YOUR SAYING KANSAS IS RUSSIA.

303

- I'M SAYING, KANSAS IS THE NEW RUSSIA.

304

- AND, WHAT'S ALSO CRAZY ABOUT THIS, IS THE

305

POPE AT THIS POINT IS MORE LIBERAL THAN THAT

306

LINE OF THINKING.

307

- THAT'S INSANE.

308

- WHICH IS CRAZY.

309

- THEY DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER PROBLEMS IN KANSAS?

310

- I'M SURE THEY HAVE ABOUT 10 BILLION--

311

- THEY REALLY HAVE TO SPEND--

312

- AND YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS

313

IN KANSAS, THAT THEY NEED SOMETHING TO

314

OVERSHADOW THOSE PROBLEMS, AND SO THAT'S

315

EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS.

316

- THIS IS THEM PICKING AN ISSUE THAT THEY

317

PERSONALLY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH. GETTING IT

318

PUSHED THROUGH AS A LAW, AND THEN BEING LIKE--

319

- BREEZING OVER EVERYTHING--

320

- WE DID SOMETHING. WE DID SOMETHING--

321

- MY POINT, THAT ANDREW SULLIVAN ALSO POINTS OUT,

322

SO REALLY HIS POINT, OUR POINT--

323

- RIGHT.

324

- KEEP DIGGING THAT FUCKING HOLE GUYS, BECAUSE

325

GUESS WHAT, YOU LOOK CRAZY.

326

- YEAH.
- AND IF YOU EVER WANT TO WIN,

327

IF YOU NEVER WANT TO WIN ANOTHER ELECTION

328

IN THIS COUNTRY, KEEP GOING, KEEP DOING THIS

329

YOU BUNCH OF JERKS, BECAUSE YOU LOOK INSANE,

330

AND I DON'T KNOW ANYONE, ANDREW SULLIVAN

331

SAYS THAT, I DON'T KNOW ANYONE UNDER 40

332

WHO WOULD EVER PUT UP WITH THIS KIND OF

333

BULLSHIT FOR ONE SECOND ON ANY KIND OF NATIONAL LEVEL.

334

- HERE'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

335

MCCHEERS?

336

- MACHEERS.

337

- MACHEERS, HE'S GOING TO BE 80 RIGHT, AND HE'S

338

GOING TO HAVE HAIR LIKE THIS. HE'S GOING TO LOOK

339

LIKE THE GUY FROM INDIANA JONES, SITTING

340

IN HIS CHAIR, HE'S GOING TO BE LIKE,

341

"I'M POOPIN' MYSELF."

342

- YEAH.

343

- "I'M POOPIN' MYSELF."

344

SOMEBODY HELP ME.

345

- YEAH.

346

- GUESS WHO'S GOING TO BE?

347

IT'S GOING TO BE A NICE LITTLE GAY ORDERLY

348

WHO'S GOING TO SIT THERE AND JUST WATCH.

349

- YEP, AND LAUGH.

350

- SHIT YOURSELF, YOU OLD IDIOT.

351

- THE POINT IS, THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE SOME FUCKING

352

IDIOT, THE NEXT TIME YOU GO TO KANSAS, JUST POINT AND LAUGH.

353

- YEAH.

354

- AND POINT, AND SHOOT IF YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD WITH CAMERAS.

355

356

- BRYAN, DO YOU LOVE SQUEAKQUELS?

357

- OH, I LOVE SQUEAKQUELS.

358

- EVERY SINGLE ONE. ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS.

359

- WELL SUSAN PATTON. DO YOU REMEMBER HER?

360

- [BRYAN]: I VAGUELY DO.

361

- [ERIN]: YEAH, OKAY, SHE WAS THE WOMAN WHO WROTE

362

TO PRINCETON GIRLS THAT THEY NEED TO FIND A HUSBAND--

363

- OH YES. I REMEMBER THIS.

364

--WHILE THEY'RE IN COLLEGE, WHEN YOU GET OUT OF

365

COLLEGE FORGET IT? OR FORGET ABOUT IT BECAUSE,

366

PRINCETON IS IN NEW JERSEY, YOU KNOW.

367

- OH, YES. SOPRANOS.

368

- BRIDGEGATE. SO SHE'S BACK AND SHE'S GOT

369

AN AGENDA.

370

- LISTEN, SHE DOESN'T REAPPEAR UNLESS SHE'S

371

GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.

372

- YEAH. SHE'S BASICALLY LIKE A YODA, OR OBI WAN, OR WHATEVER, RIGHT.

373

- ABSOLUTELY.

374

- SUSAN STOPPED BY, MY FAVORITE NEWSPAPER, WALL STREET JOURNAL.

375

- OH SURE.

376

- SHE WANTED TO GIVE THE SINGLE LADIES OF AMERICA

377

A VALENTINE'S DAY MESSAGE.

378

- WAS IT BEYONCE?

379

- I WISH IT WAS.

380

- FUNNY.

381

- THE WHOLE TITLE OF THE ARTICLE IS,

382

SUSAN PATTON:

383

A LITTLE VALENTINE'S DAY STRAIGHT TALK.

384

SUBTITLED, YOUNG WOMAN IN COLLEGE NEED TO SMARTEN

385

UP AND START HUSBAND HUNTING.

386

- YOU KNOW WHAT? SETTLE ON A TITLE LADY.

387

- LIKE IF THIS WERE GOTHAM CITY, AND I WAS

388

BATMAN, SHE WOULD BE LIKE THE PENGUIN, LIKE BITTER, AND

389

LIKE YOU KNOW, BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS LIKE

390

I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, AND THAT'S WHERE

391

HER ANGER COMES FROM.

392

- MM-HMM.

393

- YOU'D BE MY POISON IVY.

394

- HEY.

395

- YEAH. SO SHE STARTS OFF WITH THIS,

396

ANOTHER VALENTINE'S DAY. ANOTHER NIGHT

397

SPENT ORDERING IN SUSHI FOR ONE, AND MOONING

398

OVER DOWNTOWN ABBY RERUNS.

399

- THIS PERSON'S--

400

- SMARTEN UP LADIES. THAT'S THE FIRST SENTENCE.

401

THEN SHE SAYS.

402

- [shudders] I HATE THIS WOMAN.

403

- DESPITE ALL OF THE FOCUS ON PROFESSIONAL

404

ADVANCEMENT, FOR MOST OF YOU THE CORNERSTONE

405

OF YOUR FUTURE HAPPINESS WILL BE THE MAN YOU MARRY.

406

WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, DING DONG, YOU'RE WRONG--

407

- MM-HMM.

408

--YOU STUPID BITCH.

409

- [laughs] SURE.

410

- I WOULD ARGUE THAT HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN,

411

AND THAT WE'RE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN HAPPINESS.

412

- NO ERIN, HAPPINESS COMES FROM DIAMONDS.

413

- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT ACTUALLY, YEAH.

414

SHE SAYS, THINK ABOUT IT,

415

THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE OF NEW JERSEY.

416

- OH YEAH, SOPRANOS.

417

- IF YOU SPEND THE FIRST 10 YEARS OUT

418

OF COLLEGE FOCUSED ENTIRELY ON BUILDING YOUR CAREER

419

WHEN YOU FINALLY GET AROUND TO LOOKING FOR

420

A HUSBAND YOU'LL BE IN YOUR 30S COMPETING

421

WITH WOMAN IN THEIR 20S.

422

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HER POINT IS.

423

I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS--

424

- I GUESS HER POINT IS, YOU KNOW, 20S WINS.

425

- YEAH. IF YOU'RE IN YOUR 20S, THE WORLD

426

IS YOURS STILL, AND AS SOON AS YOU TURN 30

427

FORGET IT WOMAN.

428

BUT OKAY GUYS, YOU CAN FUCK WHOEVER YOU WANT

429

UNTIL YOU'RE 85 YEARS OLD--

430

- YEP.

431

- AND YOUR DICK JUST DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE.

432

- YEAH.

433

- LIKE HER FIRST ARTICLE, SHE GIVES US, BECAUSE THIS IS

434

A SQUEAKQUEL SHE GIVES US A LITTLE BIT OF WHAT

435

SHE'S ALREADY DONE BEFORE.

436

- RIGHT.

437

- SHE SAYS COLLEGE IS THE BEST PLACE TO LOOK

438

FOR YOUR MATE. IT IS AN ENVIRONMENT, TEAMING WITH

439

LIKE MINDED, AGE APPROPRIATE SINGLE MEN WITH

440

WHOM YOU ALREADY SHARE MANY THINGS.

441

YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN HAVE THIS CONCENTRATION

442

OF EXCEPTIONAL MEN TO CHOOSE FROM.

443

ONCE YOU'RE LIVING OFF CAMPUS, AND IN THE REAL WORLD

444

YOU'D BE STUNNED BY HOW SMART THE MEN ARE NOT.

445

FIRST OF ALL, I'VE NEVER HEARD ANYONE WHO WENT

446

TO PRINCETON CONSTRUCT A SENTENCE LIKE THAT--

447

WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

448

SHE'S SAYING, GUYS ARE IDIOTS ONCE YOU GET OUT OF COLLEGE.

449

- YEAH. IT'S ACTUALLY ONLY THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE.

450

- OH THEY ARE WAY BETTER--

451

- ONLY THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE--

452

- IF I MARRIED THE GUY THAT I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH--

453

- GOD YOU'D BE MARRIED TO LIKE A JOHN MAYER KNOCK OFF--

454

- BASICALLY, YEAH.

455

- JUST SOME DICK, WHO'S LIKE, "YOU WANNA HEAR MY SONG?"

456

- I'D BE REPUBLICAN. I'D BE HARDCORE CATHOLIC.

457

I'D HAVE TWO GOLDEN RETRIEVERS.

458

I'D HAVE KIDS, AND I'D BE 5 SECONDS AWAY FROM

459

A FALLING DOWN SCENARIO.

460

SHE HAS THE BALLS TO CALL OUT FEMINISM IS THE

461

REASON THAT GIRLS AREN'T DOING THIS THING

462

THAT WOMEN AREN'T GETTING HUSBANDS--

463

- RIGHT.

464

--IN COLLEGE SHE SAYS, NOT ALL WOMAN WANT

465

MARRIAGE OR MOTHERHOOD, BUT IF YOU DO

466

YOU HAVE TO START LISTENING TO YOUR GUT,

467

AVOID FALLING FOR THE PC FEMINIST LINE,

468

THAT HAS MISLED SO MANY YOUNG WOMAN FOR YEARS.

469

- HOW... [sigh]

470

- THERE IS NOTHING THAT INCONGRUOUS ABOUT

471

EDUCATED, AMBITIOUS WOMAN WANTING TO BE WIFES OR MOTHERS.

472

- WELL SHE'S RIGHT.

473

- NO ONE EVER FUCKING SAID THAT.

474

- YEAH, SHE'S RIGHT, THERE ISN'T.

475

- I LOVE THAT SHE IS LIKE, PRINCETON, BEING SMART,

476

KNOWING THINGS, TAPESTRIES OF HISTORICAL

477

IMPORTANCE. RIGHT?

478

- OH, YEAH, THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

479

- BUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO LOOK UP

480

WHAT FEMINISM MEANS?

481

- YEAH.

482

- YEAH, LIKE SHE DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT.

483

- NO.

484

- IF SHE'S USING FEAR TACTICS, OF YOUR BODY ROTTING,

485

GUYS NOT WANTING YOU, YOU NOT BEING PRETTY,

486

OR YOUNG ENOUGH, TO ENCOURAGE GIRLS TO DO SOMETHING

487

THAT I WANT, SOCIETY WANTS THEM TO DO.

488

IT'S SAYING, YOU KNOW, I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE LIVING

489

YOUR INDEPENDENT LIFE, AND DOING YOUR OWN THING,

490

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STOP.

491

- YEAH.

492

- IT'S RUINING EVERYTHING.

493

- YEAH.

494

- AND SHE'S ACTUALLY DOING THE THING, THAT SHE'S

495

BLAMING FEMINISM OF DOING. LOOK I KNOW SUSAN'S

496

DIVORCE WAS HARD, RIGHT?

497

- WHO'S WASN'T?

498

- SHE'S A SINGLE LADY IN HER 50S. SHE'S PISSED.

499

- YEAH.

500

- SHE CAN'T FIND A GOOD MAN.

501

THAT'S NOT A REASON TO START GIVING WILLY-NILLY

502

ADVICE OUT TO PEOPLE WHO ARE LIVING THEIR LIVES.

503

ANOTHER REASON SHE'S DOING THIS, SHE HASN'T

504

WRITTEN ANYTHING SINCE LAST YEAR WHEN THIS

505

WHOLE PRINCETON THING CAME OUT, BUT SHE'S GOT

506

A BOOK COMING OUT.

507

- HEY LISTEN, WHO DOESN'T.

508

- SO SHE'S GOTTA DRUM UP SOME BIZ.

509

IF ANYBODY HANDS YOU THIS BOOK, YOU

510

LIGHT IT ON FIRE IN FRONT OF THEM.

511

- [laughs]

512

- AND YOU SAY, FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T GET ME.

513

- I HOPE WE DO BRING BURNING BOOKS BACK.

514

- OH YEAH.

515

- IT'S THE ONLY REASON I'M STILL ALIVE.

516

- WELL, WHAT BOOK WOULD YOU BURN?

517

- I WOULD PROBABLY BURN THE PLAY BURLESQUE--

518

- OH THAT'S GOOD.

519

--BECAUSE IT'S TELLING ME TOO.

520

- EXACTLY.

521

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web

More