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Published February 18, 2014 69k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

THIS IS THROWING SHADE.
WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,
AND HOMOSENUAL BRYAN SAFI, TAKE A LOOK AT THE
HEADLINES AND POLITICS, AND POP CULTURE,
AND TREAT THEM WITH MUCH LESS RESPECT THAN
THEY DESERVE.
CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
- POPCORN FOR BREAKFAST.
- OH YOU ARE CLASS, AND--
- THAT'S WHAT I DID THIS MORNING.
-- SOPHISTICATION, WRAPPED IN A BURRITO.
- YEAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
- YEAH.
- I WOKE UP, WENT OUT INTO THE LOBBY, LIVING ROOM.
- BUT YOU PRETEND THAT YOUR HOUSE IS LIKE A MOVIE THEATRE.
- I DO.
- YEAH.
- I DO-- I HAVE-- I SAY, AND I PLAY ALL THE PARTS.
- YEAH.
- I PLAY THE USHER. COME ONE COME ALL.
I PLAY THE TICKET TAKER.
- 12 YEARS A SLAVE IS PLAYING IN YOUR BEDROOM
RIGHT NOW.
- ABSOLUTELY.
- YEAH.
- AND I GO IN AND I WATCH THE MOVIE, AND I WEEP,
BUT I HAVE TO PRETEND THAT ALL OF THE SCENES
ARE THERE, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE PROJECTION.
SO I DID THAT, AND THEN I WENT TO THE GYM.
- WELL DONE. OH YOU WENT TO THE GYM? THAT'S WHY
YOU WERE LATE TODAY. I SEE.
- THAT IS. I WAS APPROXIMATELY 20 MINUTES LATE--
- I DIDN'T GET TO GO TO THE GYM, AND I HAD TO DO 14 HOURS--
- OH YOU DIDN'T? YOU NEED TO WAKE UP EARLIER.
- I DID 14 HOURS OF HAIR AND MAKEUP TODAY.
- OH REALLY?
- DO YOU THINK THIS JUST HAPPENS?
- NO--
- THIS?
- NO--
- YOU THINK THIS JUST HAPPENS?
- YES.
- THE HAIR WAS NOT DRY THOUGH.
- THIS IS NATURAL DRYING.
- OH.
- WITH MY HAIR, IF IT'S NOT STYLED IN THE FRONT,
ITS PURE 70S LIBRARIAN.
- OH YEAH.
- FRAZZLED--
- AND IF NOTHING'S DONE TO IT, AS WE KNOW, IT'S
MICHELLE DUGGAR.
- IT IS DUGGAR ALL THE WAY. NO, MY BANGS HAVE
GROWN OUT.
- [BRYAN]: OH, THAT'S GOOD.
- [ERIN]: BY THE WAY, TODAY, THE TODAY SHOW.COM BLOG
OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT--
- SURE.
- THEY PUBLISHED A TOP 10 SEX TIPS BY THE DUGGARS.
- SHUT UP.
- I'M NOT JOKING. I WAS GOING TO TALK ABOUT
IT TODAY, BUT THEN SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENED--
- OH GOD. I'M GOING TO THROW UP--
- AND ONE OF THEM WAS TO UM, I DON'T HAVE THE
DIRECT QUOTE, BUT IT WAS BASICALLY LIKE,
WHEN YOUR HUSBAND COMES IN WITH A BONER--
- THAT'S WHAT MICHELLE DUGGAR SAID--
- WELL I'M PUTTING IT NORMAL, LIKE HOW PEOPLE WOULD
- TALK TERMS. WELL I WAS HARASSED ALL WEEKEND--
- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT--
- ON ALL ENDS--
- WHAT HAPPENED?
- FIRST, I HAVEN'T SEEN TRUE DETECTIVE, SO
I WISH EVERYONE WOULD STOP FUCKING--
- YEAH, REALLY. I HAVEN'T EITHER--
- LIKE GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, I HAVE SHIT TO DO--
- I HAVE THEM ALL RECORDED, BUT I'M NOT READING
THAT CRAZY BOOK THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE--
- YELLOW KING?
- YEAH. NO. IN FACT I WAS GOING TO WATCH TRUE
DETECTIVE UNTIL THAT YELLOW KING ENTERED THE
PICTURE, AND NOW I'M LIKE, I'M NOT DOING
GEORGE R. MARTIN, TOLKEIN, I'M NOT DOING THAT.
- YEAH.
- I'M NOT DOING THAT, AND I'LL NEVER DO IT--
- I THINK HIS NAME IS ROBERT WALKER WHO
WROTE THAT, RIGHT?
- YEAH, BUT IT'S ALL THE SAME, WITCH, WARLOCK,
DWARF, GNOME. I'M NOT DOING THAT.
- YEAH. YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT.
- AND NOW I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE, BECAUSE
OF THE YELLOW KING.
- THE MAIL CARRIER, THE PERSON AT GELSONS--
- WAS WHAT, TRUE DETECTIVE?
- HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING TRUE DETECTIVE?
- OH.
- NO, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT I DO
WITH MY TIME.
- YEAH. EXACTLY.
- I WENT TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY LAST NIGHT, AND
EVERYONE WANTED TO KNOW IF I HAD WATCHED
TRUE DETECTIVE--
- I HATE IT--
-- SO YOU CAN TALK NOW--
- NOW, I HATE IT.
- GO IN A CORNER AND TALK ABOUT IT.
- I'M NEVER GOING TO WATCH THAT FUCKING SHOW.
I ACTUALLY HATE IT NOW, AND I HATE ANYONE WHO
LIKES IT. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
IT'S THAT WHOLE MAD MEN, BREAKING BAD THING.
YEAH, IT'S A GOOD SHOW. GUESS WHO'S RUINING
IT. ASSHOLES LIKE YOU.
- YOU ARE-- THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I FELT
VERY ATTACKED--
- YEAH.
- I FELT I DIDN'T HAVE THE ANSWER FOR PEOPLE.
I WASN'T GIVING THEM THE ANSWER THEY WANTED,
AND THIS IS THE WORSE REACTION ANYONE
COULD EVER HAVE ABOUT ANYTHING.
OH, ARE YOU DOING X? NO, I'M NOT.
WHAT?
- YEAH.
- YOU'RE NOT DOING THIS THING. IT'S SO
IMPORTANT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AS A HUMAN BEING
TO WATCH THIS THING. EVERYBODY CALM DOWN--
- YEAH.
--TAKE A CHILL PILL...
- AND TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY ANTENNA.
- THANK YOU. YEAH. OH YOU HAD YOUR CAR ANTENNA
RIPPED OFF FROM PEOPLE WHO DO THIS. THEY GET SO ANGRY.
- YEAH, EXACTLY
- YEAH.
- SECONDLY, I WAS RIDING MY BICYCLE YESTERDAY,
TO THE MAILBOX.
- WE NEVER HEAR YOU TALK ABOUT THAT ENOUGH.
- WELL GUESS WHAT? SOMEONE IN AN A8 ROLLED DOWN HIS WINDOW--
- WHAT'S AN A8?
- [TOGETHER]: IT'S AN AUDI.
- YEAH.
- OH I WAS RIGHT.
- YEAH. ROLLED DOWN HIS WINDOW, AND CALLED
ME A FAGGOT. ALESSANDRO AND I WERE BOTH ON
OUR BICYCLES, HELMETS, BACKPACKS--
- OH SO YOU DESERVED IT. SO YOU DID DESERVE IT.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
- ALREADY IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DESERVED IT.
- WELL, I WAS RIDING MY BIKE. WE WERE SINGLE
FILE, BECAUSE WE HAVE A CODE--
- YOU DESERVED IT.
- YEAH.
- A8 HONKED AT ME FROM BEHIND, THEN HONKED
AT ALE, AND THEN ROLLED DOWN HIS WINDOW, AND
SAID, FAGGOTS, YOU STUPID FAGGOTS ON BICYCLES.
- YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO CATCH WHO IT WAS DID YOU?
- OH, IT WAS YOU?
- IT WAS ME.
- WHEN DID YOU BUY A WHITE A8?
- OH, I JUST STOLE IT.
- AND REALLY, IF YOU CAN, JUST DO AN A10.
- YEAH.
- KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- NO, I KNOW.
- LIKE WHY STOP THERE?
- WELL BECAUSE LIKE YOU WORK YOUR WAY UP.
SO WHAT DID YOU DO? DID YOU CHASE HIM DOWN?
- NO. WELL WE DID GET FASTER, AND HE CALLED US
FAGGOT, AND I SAID, FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING
ASS HOLE, AND I ROLLED MY BIKE WITH MY MIDDLE
FINGER OUT UNTIL HE DROVE AWAY.
SO, I'M A FAGGOT NOW, SO WE'RE TOGETHER
IN THIS. YEAH.
- I DO THINK PEOPLE ARE STICKING THEIR BICYCLE SEATS
IN THEIR BUTT HOLES.
- YEAH. OH ABSOLUTELY. NO, I WAS DOING THAT.
AND I WAS JUST...
- YEP.
IF ONE MORE BICYCLIST LOOKS AT ME WHILE I'M
TURNING, AND GOES...
- I HATE THAT SHIT.
- WHO DOES THAT?
- ASSHOLES. AND REALLY, IT'S PROBABLY
MY FAULT. I GIVE NO ONE THE RIGHT OF WAY.
- YOU HAVE TO STOP AT THE STOP--
- BUT IF YOU SHAKE YOUR HEAD AT ME, GUESS WHAT
I'M GOING TO SHAKE AT YOU?
- YOUR DICK. OH, OKAY.
- YEAH.
- AND MY DICK.
- YEAH.
- SOMEONE DID REMIND ME THAT THE ONLY TIME
THAT I SAID IT WAS OKAY TO CALL SOMEONE A FAGGOT IS
IF AN OLD LADY IS RIDING A BICYCLE,
AND THEN-- SHOWED ME THAT, AND I WAS LIKE,
I AM NOT OLD--
- THAT'S WHY I'M SAYING, IT WAS OKAY.
- IT IS THE EDERLY. IT IS THE EDERLY.
- IT WAS THE OKAY.
YEAH.
- IF HE LOOKS LIKE A WITCH, AND YOUR OLD,
THEN YOU CAN CALL SOMEONE A FAGGOT ON A BICYCLE,
BUT NOT ME, I'M IN THE PRIME OF MY LIFE.
I'M IN THE PRIME RIB OF MY LIFE.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW.
- I'M PRIME RIB--
- GOOD JOB.
- THANKS.
- ERIN THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME
- OH.
- REMEMBER THE WIZARD OF OZ?
- THERE'S ALSO NO PLACE LIKE SHOW BUSINESS.
- THERE WAS NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS.
- THAT'S NOT HOW THE SAYING--
- OH IT ISN'T?
- NO.
- OH, OKAY THEN, WELL YOU KNOW--
- [singing] THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE SHOW BUSINESS
- IT DOES RHYME, SO I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
- YEAH.
- IN THIS CASE, THERE REALLY IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME,
ESPECIALLY WHEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT KANSAS.
- SO THERE WAS A BILL THAT WAS JUST OVERWHELMINGLY,
BY A HUGE MARGIN, PASSED THE KANSAS HOUSE
OF REPRESENTATIVES--
- YEAH. THE K-HOUSE.
- THE K-HOUSE. YEAH.
THIS IS HOUSE BILL NUMBER 2453--
- SEXY.
- YES.
- WHICH BASICALLY SAYS-- I'LL READ PART OF THE BILL
RIGHT NOW. THAT NO INDIVIDUAL OR RELIGIOUS
ENTITY SHALL BE REQUIRED BY ANY GOVERNMENTAL
ENTITY TO DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:
PROVIDE ANY SERVICES, ACCOMMODATIONS,
ADVANTAGES, FACILITIES, GOODS OR PRIVILEGES,
PROVIDE COUNSELING, ADOPTION, FOSTER CARE,
AND OTHER SOCIAL SERVICES OR PROVIDE
EMPLOYMENT OR EMPLOYMENT BENEFITS RELATED TO
OR RELATED TO THE CELEBRATION OF GAY MARRIAGE,
DOMESTIC PARTNERSHIP, CIVIL UNION, OR
SIMILAR ARRANGEMENT.
THIS IS-- WHAT IS SO CRAZY ABOUT THIS--
- SO DISCRIMINATION.
- DISCRIMINATION, AND IT'S NOT JUST SAYING
RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS, IT'S BASICALLY--
- BURGER KING WON'T GIVE YOU--
--IT'S SAYING IF THE PERSON WHO RUNS ANY BUSINESS
IS RELIGIOUS AND PART OF THEIR RELIGION IS
WE DON'T LIKE GAY PEOPLE, YOU CAN BASICALLY BE
REFUSED TO BE SERVED.
WHAT'S EVEN CRAZIER IS ON BROADER SCOPE,
THIS ALSO APPLIES TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE,
WHO SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE, WHO WERE EVER
INVOLVED IN SOME SORT OF CEREMONY WITH A
CIVIL UNION. ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
- SO IF YOU SAW TWO GAY PEOPLE GET MARRIED,
IN NEW YORK--
- BASICALLY.
- YOU CAN'T GO AND GET YOUR CAKES DONE AT CAKES BY CATHY.
- ABSOLUTELY.
THE BILL'S SPONSOR, CHARLES MACHEERS. HONEY,
CHARLES MA-BOOS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- [ERIN]: YEAH. EXACTLY.
- YOU KNOW THAT I KNEW SOMEONE THAT NAMED...
OH WHAT WAS HER LAST NAME, MCBOOBINFARTY.
NO JOKE.
SO, CHARLE'S MACHEERS SAYS, DISCRIMINATION IS HORRIBLE,
THERE HAVE BEEN TIMES THROUGH OUT HISTORY
WHERE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PERSECUTED FOR THEIR
RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, BECAUSE THEY WERE UNPOPULAR.
THIS BILL PROVIDES A SHIELD OF PROTECTION FOR THAT.
- SO IN HIS MIND IT GOES, THE CRUSADES, GAY MARRIAGE.
- ABSOLUTELY. EXACTLY--
- NOTHING IN BETWEEN.
WHICH IS ALSO SO RICH ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING IS
I LOVE, AND I MENTIONED IT BEFORE, BUT I LOVE
WHEN PEOPLE USE, OUR LANGUAGE AGAINST US.
- YES.
- FOR INSTANCE, WHEN I WAS, COMING OUT, AND MY PARENTS WERE FREAKING OUT
- [singing] I'M COMING OUT--
- YEP. I BLARED DIANA ROSS, PUT ON A WIG,
CAME OUT, AND WAS LIKE DEAL.
AND THEY WERE LIKE, NO DEAL.
- YEAH.
- SO ANYWAY, MY MOM WOULD SAY THE SAME KIND
OF THING TO ME LIKE, GOD, WHY CAN'T YOU
BE OPEN MINDED. WHY ARE YOU SO CLOSED OFF
TO WOMAN? AND I WAS LIKE, YOU DON'T GET TO USED THAT
PHRASE. YOU DON'T GET TO USE THE PHRASE OPEN
MINDED. IT'S THE SAME SHIT HERE--
- WHY IS SHE SO CLOSED MINDED ABOUT WOMAN.
- BOO-YAH.
- MOM--
- BOOYAKASHA
- MOM, GO DOWN ON A WOMAN, AND TELL ME HOW YOU
FEEL ABOUT IT, OKAY?
- ALRIGHT. RUSSIA DOESN'T HAVE A LAW THIS CRAZY.
- WOW.
- THEY REALLY DON'T.
I MEAN AT LEAST, HEY LISTEN, RUSSIA'S GREAT--
- WAIT, HOLD ON, BUT THEY JUST ARRESTED SOMEONE
WHO WAS TRANSGENDERED--
- NO, BUT, I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS LIKE
THERE IS A LAW AS EQUALLY OBNOXIOUS
AND DISGUSTING HERE-- IN OTHER WORDS, I'M
THINKING GAY PEOPLE COULD GO GET A--
- YOUR SAYING KANSAS IS RUSSIA.
- I'M SAYING, KANSAS IS THE NEW RUSSIA.
- AND, WHAT'S ALSO CRAZY ABOUT THIS, IS THE
POPE AT THIS POINT IS MORE LIBERAL THAN THAT
LINE OF THINKING.
- THAT'S INSANE.
- WHICH IS CRAZY.
- THEY DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER PROBLEMS IN KANSAS?
- I'M SURE THEY HAVE ABOUT 10 BILLION--
- THEY REALLY HAVE TO SPEND--
- AND YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS
IN KANSAS, THAT THEY NEED SOMETHING TO
OVERSHADOW THOSE PROBLEMS, AND SO THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS.
- THIS IS THEM PICKING AN ISSUE THAT THEY
PERSONALLY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH. GETTING IT
PUSHED THROUGH AS A LAW, AND THEN BEING LIKE--
- BREEZING OVER EVERYTHING--
- WE DID SOMETHING. WE DID SOMETHING--
- MY POINT, THAT ANDREW SULLIVAN ALSO POINTS OUT,
SO REALLY HIS POINT, OUR POINT--
- RIGHT.
- KEEP DIGGING THAT FUCKING HOLE GUYS, BECAUSE
GUESS WHAT, YOU LOOK CRAZY.
- YEAH.
- AND IF YOU EVER WANT TO WIN,
IF YOU NEVER WANT TO WIN ANOTHER ELECTION
IN THIS COUNTRY, KEEP GOING, KEEP DOING THIS
YOU BUNCH OF JERKS, BECAUSE YOU LOOK INSANE,
AND I DON'T KNOW ANYONE, ANDREW SULLIVAN
SAYS THAT, I DON'T KNOW ANYONE UNDER 40
WHO WOULD EVER PUT UP WITH THIS KIND OF
BULLSHIT FOR ONE SECOND ON ANY KIND OF NATIONAL LEVEL.
- HERE'S WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
MCCHEERS?
- MACHEERS.
- MACHEERS, HE'S GOING TO BE 80 RIGHT, AND HE'S
GOING TO HAVE HAIR LIKE THIS. HE'S GOING TO LOOK
LIKE THE GUY FROM INDIANA JONES, SITTING
IN HIS CHAIR, HE'S GOING TO BE LIKE,
"I'M POOPIN' MYSELF."
- YEAH.
- "I'M POOPIN' MYSELF."
SOMEBODY HELP ME.
- YEAH.
- GUESS WHO'S GOING TO BE?
IT'S GOING TO BE A NICE LITTLE GAY ORDERLY
WHO'S GOING TO SIT THERE AND JUST WATCH.
- YEP, AND LAUGH.
- SHIT YOURSELF, YOU OLD IDIOT.
- THE POINT IS, THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE SOME FUCKING
IDIOT, THE NEXT TIME YOU GO TO KANSAS, JUST POINT AND LAUGH.
- YEAH.
- AND POINT, AND SHOOT IF YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD WITH CAMERAS.
- BRYAN, DO YOU LOVE SQUEAKQUELS?
- OH, I LOVE SQUEAKQUELS.
- EVERY SINGLE ONE. ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS.
- WELL SUSAN PATTON. DO YOU REMEMBER HER?
- [BRYAN]: I VAGUELY DO.
- [ERIN]: YEAH, OKAY, SHE WAS THE WOMAN WHO WROTE
TO PRINCETON GIRLS THAT THEY NEED TO FIND A HUSBAND--
- OH YES. I REMEMBER THIS.
--WHILE THEY'RE IN COLLEGE, WHEN YOU GET OUT OF
COLLEGE FORGET IT? OR FORGET ABOUT IT BECAUSE,
PRINCETON IS IN NEW JERSEY, YOU KNOW.
- OH, YES. SOPRANOS.
- BRIDGEGATE. SO SHE'S BACK AND SHE'S GOT
AN AGENDA.
- LISTEN, SHE DOESN'T REAPPEAR UNLESS SHE'S
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.
- YEAH. SHE'S BASICALLY LIKE A YODA, OR OBI WAN, OR WHATEVER, RIGHT.
- ABSOLUTELY.
- SUSAN STOPPED BY, MY FAVORITE NEWSPAPER, WALL STREET JOURNAL.
- OH SURE.
- SHE WANTED TO GIVE THE SINGLE LADIES OF AMERICA
A VALENTINE'S DAY MESSAGE.
- WAS IT BEYONCE?
- I WISH IT WAS.
- FUNNY.
- THE WHOLE TITLE OF THE ARTICLE IS,
SUSAN PATTON:
A LITTLE VALENTINE'S DAY STRAIGHT TALK.
SUBTITLED, YOUNG WOMAN IN COLLEGE NEED TO SMARTEN
UP AND START HUSBAND HUNTING.
- YOU KNOW WHAT? SETTLE ON A TITLE LADY.
- LIKE IF THIS WERE GOTHAM CITY, AND I WAS
BATMAN, SHE WOULD BE LIKE THE PENGUIN, LIKE BITTER, AND
LIKE YOU KNOW, BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS LIKE
I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE, AND THAT'S WHERE
HER ANGER COMES FROM.
- MM-HMM.
- YOU'D BE MY POISON IVY.
- HEY.
- YEAH. SO SHE STARTS OFF WITH THIS,
ANOTHER VALENTINE'S DAY. ANOTHER NIGHT
SPENT ORDERING IN SUSHI FOR ONE, AND MOONING
OVER DOWNTOWN ABBY RERUNS.
- THIS PERSON'S--
- SMARTEN UP LADIES. THAT'S THE FIRST SENTENCE.
THEN SHE SAYS.
- [shudders] I HATE THIS WOMAN.
- DESPITE ALL OF THE FOCUS ON PROFESSIONAL
ADVANCEMENT, FOR MOST OF YOU THE CORNERSTONE
OF YOUR FUTURE HAPPINESS WILL BE THE MAN YOU MARRY.
WHICH I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, DING DONG, YOU'RE WRONG--
- MM-HMM.
--YOU STUPID BITCH.
- [laughs] SURE.
- I WOULD ARGUE THAT HAPPINESS COMES FROM WITHIN,
AND THAT WE'RE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN HAPPINESS.
- NO ERIN, HAPPINESS COMES FROM DIAMONDS.
- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT ACTUALLY, YEAH.
SHE SAYS, THINK ABOUT IT,
THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE OF NEW JERSEY.
- OH YEAH, SOPRANOS.
- IF YOU SPEND THE FIRST 10 YEARS OUT
OF COLLEGE FOCUSED ENTIRELY ON BUILDING YOUR CAREER
WHEN YOU FINALLY GET AROUND TO LOOKING FOR
A HUSBAND YOU'LL BE IN YOUR 30S COMPETING
WITH WOMAN IN THEIR 20S.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT HER POINT IS.
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS--
- I GUESS HER POINT IS, YOU KNOW, 20S WINS.
- YEAH. IF YOU'RE IN YOUR 20S, THE WORLD
IS YOURS STILL, AND AS SOON AS YOU TURN 30
FORGET IT WOMAN.
BUT OKAY GUYS, YOU CAN FUCK WHOEVER YOU WANT
UNTIL YOU'RE 85 YEARS OLD--
- YEP.
- AND YOUR DICK JUST DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE.
- YEAH.
- LIKE HER FIRST ARTICLE, SHE GIVES US, BECAUSE THIS IS
A SQUEAKQUEL SHE GIVES US A LITTLE BIT OF WHAT
SHE'S ALREADY DONE BEFORE.
- RIGHT.
- SHE SAYS COLLEGE IS THE BEST PLACE TO LOOK
FOR YOUR MATE. IT IS AN ENVIRONMENT, TEAMING WITH
LIKE MINDED, AGE APPROPRIATE SINGLE MEN WITH
WHOM YOU ALREADY SHARE MANY THINGS.
YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN HAVE THIS CONCENTRATION
OF EXCEPTIONAL MEN TO CHOOSE FROM.
ONCE YOU'RE LIVING OFF CAMPUS, AND IN THE REAL WORLD
YOU'D BE STUNNED BY HOW SMART THE MEN ARE NOT.
FIRST OF ALL, I'VE NEVER HEARD ANYONE WHO WENT
TO PRINCETON CONSTRUCT A SENTENCE LIKE THAT--
WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?
SHE'S SAYING, GUYS ARE IDIOTS ONCE YOU GET OUT OF COLLEGE.
- YEAH. IT'S ACTUALLY ONLY THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE.
- OH THEY ARE WAY BETTER--
- ONLY THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE--
- IF I MARRIED THE GUY THAT I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH--
- GOD YOU'D BE MARRIED TO LIKE A JOHN MAYER KNOCK OFF--
- BASICALLY, YEAH.
- JUST SOME DICK, WHO'S LIKE, "YOU WANNA HEAR MY SONG?"
- I'D BE REPUBLICAN. I'D BE HARDCORE CATHOLIC.
I'D HAVE TWO GOLDEN RETRIEVERS.
I'D HAVE KIDS, AND I'D BE 5 SECONDS AWAY FROM
A FALLING DOWN SCENARIO.
SHE HAS THE BALLS TO CALL OUT FEMINISM IS THE
REASON THAT GIRLS AREN'T DOING THIS THING
THAT WOMEN AREN'T GETTING HUSBANDS--
- RIGHT.
--IN COLLEGE SHE SAYS, NOT ALL WOMAN WANT
MARRIAGE OR MOTHERHOOD, BUT IF YOU DO
YOU HAVE TO START LISTENING TO YOUR GUT,
AVOID FALLING FOR THE PC FEMINIST LINE,
THAT HAS MISLED SO MANY YOUNG WOMAN FOR YEARS.
- HOW... [sigh]
- THERE IS NOTHING THAT INCONGRUOUS ABOUT
EDUCATED, AMBITIOUS WOMAN WANTING TO BE WIFES OR MOTHERS.
- WELL SHE'S RIGHT.
- NO ONE EVER FUCKING SAID THAT.
- YEAH, SHE'S RIGHT, THERE ISN'T.
- I LOVE THAT SHE IS LIKE, PRINCETON, BEING SMART,
KNOWING THINGS, TAPESTRIES OF HISTORICAL
IMPORTANCE. RIGHT?
- OH, YEAH, THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
- BUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO LOOK UP
WHAT FEMINISM MEANS?
- YEAH.
- YEAH, LIKE SHE DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT.
- NO.
- IF SHE'S USING FEAR TACTICS, OF YOUR BODY ROTTING,
GUYS NOT WANTING YOU, YOU NOT BEING PRETTY,
OR YOUNG ENOUGH, TO ENCOURAGE GIRLS TO DO SOMETHING
THAT I WANT, SOCIETY WANTS THEM TO DO.
IT'S SAYING, YOU KNOW, I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE LIVING
YOUR INDEPENDENT LIFE, AND DOING YOUR OWN THING,
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STOP.
- YEAH.
- IT'S RUINING EVERYTHING.
- YEAH.
- AND SHE'S ACTUALLY DOING THE THING, THAT SHE'S
BLAMING FEMINISM OF DOING. LOOK I KNOW SUSAN'S
DIVORCE WAS HARD, RIGHT?
- WHO'S WASN'T?
- SHE'S A SINGLE LADY IN HER 50S. SHE'S PISSED.
- YEAH.
- SHE CAN'T FIND A GOOD MAN.
THAT'S NOT A REASON TO START GIVING WILLY-NILLY
ADVICE OUT TO PEOPLE WHO ARE LIVING THEIR LIVES.
ANOTHER REASON SHE'S DOING THIS, SHE HASN'T
WRITTEN ANYTHING SINCE LAST YEAR WHEN THIS
WHOLE PRINCETON THING CAME OUT, BUT SHE'S GOT
A BOOK COMING OUT.
- HEY LISTEN, WHO DOESN'T.
- SO SHE'S GOTTA DRUM UP SOME BIZ.
IF ANYBODY HANDS YOU THIS BOOK, YOU
LIGHT IT ON FIRE IN FRONT OF THEM.
- [laughs]
- AND YOU SAY, FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T GET ME.
- I HOPE WE DO BRING BURNING BOOKS BACK.
- OH YEAH.
- IT'S THE ONLY REASON I'M STILL ALIVE.
- WELL, WHAT BOOK WOULD YOU BURN?
- I WOULD PROBABLY BURN THE PLAY BURLESQUE--
- OH THAT'S GOOD.
--BECAUSE IT'S TELLING ME TOO.
- EXACTLY.

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