How I Seize It #69: "Ex-Gays"

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How I Seize It

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Hey!
Let's waste no time with the usual formalities.
How I Seize It.
Loretta Jenkins.
Now y'all know I'm an honorary queer icon-
At least for the low-class, trashy gays.
So it braked my little gnarled-up Grinch heart
when I heard about that
hateful Bachmann cunt couple
offerin' up that...conversion therapy.
Now recently, California has took steps
to ban this heinousness,
but let's face fact.
Politicals takes forever and a day
to get a goddamn thing done,
but yet every fifteen minutes
one of them gettin' a smoke-filled,
blowjob backdoor...
So, we'll see how far that go!
And y'all-
This topic just gets worse.
Y'all remember when I was jokin' around
about how I was gonna turn my DB Stephon straight?
Now y'all we shouldn't fuck around with that shit.
Cause now I heard he's goin' to get that gay ex-communicate-
Exonerate?
Whatevs...
Now y'all know they ain't much I won't do
to get some Grade-A dick, but-
I just-
Well, Margie been tellin' me I need to
watch my karmalesterol levels.
So I need to fix up this here problem
and maybe that'll be the deciding facto
on my Heaven/Hell placement.
Y'all welcome my-
Where's my fairy dust?
FLOOPNARD!
Y'all welcome my gay renter, Stephon.
(Mystical Chimes)
STEPHON: Ex-Gay! Thank you very much.
Hi y'all!
LORETTA: Oh yeah, that was real ex-gay.
Ah, my eyes!
The sheer butchness of it all!
(Stephon clears throat.)
STEPHON: Hi y'all.
You may be thinking to yourself,
"Why is he so sassy for an ex-gay?"
Well, I'm just bein' me. And me...
...is a breast man.
(giggles)
Hot damn, I could go for some good barbeque.
Whoo! Vagina!
LORETTA: Are you readin' off a list?
STEPHON: Yes. These are my safe words.
I go to them anytime I feel influenced by the homogenda.
LORETTA: Well you still seem pretty gay to me!
STEPHON: Well, I'm not. I'm str...
LORETTA: With that goddamn lisp? Ha!
HA! A list with a lisp!
(Loretta laughs)
STEPHON: ...straight.
LORETTA: Huh? Yeah, I put it in there.
Mona wants me to remind you to drink your juice.
STEPHON: Whew! It is hot in here.
Can we open a window?
LORETTA: Oh sit down, faggot.
Now, I got to rectify somethin'.
Darlin', this here's an intervention.
Don't move! I have got gay porn
on the other side of that door over there
and I am not afraid to unpause it.
Truth is, I put some boner pills in your drink
cause I had to fix up my fuck up
from temptin' you with my titty-
I KNOW, MARGIE!!!
She think I fuck with your butterfly effects
and alter your history and keep some lucky dude
from gay-marryin' ya and
we can't have that on our conscience.
STEPHON: But, I can finally be happy!
(Smack.)
LORETTA: Heresy!
HERESY!!!
You know nothin' can make us happier than dick!
Let me figure us a way to get outta this mess.
Now bein' that it's so close to the Dark Lord's Christmas,
let's get a little 'mad scientist'
up in here, up in here.
Let's see if them de-gayin' brainwashin' techniques work.
Stephon...
You fuck any bitches yet?
STEPHON: Well, not technically-
LORETTA: Oh good! Maybe they's hope for us yet.
Oh! Let's do a pop quiz.
STEPHON: I don't feel so well.
LORETTA: Stephon, look at me!
Not my eyes, dumbass!
Tits, now!
STEPHON: What are we waiting for?
LORETTA: Hold your horsedick!
Goddamn, I hate impatient ex-fags.
Alright, Final Jeopardy.
Catholic Nun Edition.
Look at these images projected behind me
of Colin Ferrell. Look at his big cock!
STEPHON: No! I shan't be tempted!
LORETTA: Pussy lovers do not say shit like "shan't."
That's gay.
Now look straight ahead
and let me remind you that release form you signed earlier,
it gave me permission to conduct this next exercise.
Stand up and drop trow!
STEPHON: Can I get a little privacy?
LORETTA: Awww goddamn, hold up!
Somebody gotta be a little cry baby bitch!
(music)
LORETTA: Alright, since y'all know we
family friendly here on HISI,
I can't let y'all see this nudie picture slide show
that he's watchin' of yours truly.
But I might say, it is some of my finest work.
And as you can see...
...nothin'.
Might as well call this queer cock,
"Flacido Domingo."
But watch what happens when I play a clip of
"Fisting Bitches of the Folsom Street Prison."
(porn moans)
STEPHON: Oh no! Oh God!
What about all my progress?
My internet girlfriend in Michigan is countin' on me.
LORETTA: Now y'all, I might not know much,
but I been on this planet long enough to know
that queer dick don't lie.
I mean, look at it.
Standin' at attention like a good soldier!
So let's put this bitch through
the Loretta Jenkins Ex-Ex-Gay Bootcamp!
STEPHON: Bootcamp?
LORETTA: That's right.
Where we BEAT the gay back into ya!
(Stephon cries.)
Shut your piehole, soldier!
Are you a cockslobberer?
STEPHON: No! I like vagina.
LORETTA: Wrong, faggot!
(Smack.)
(Stephon screams.)
LORETTA: Do you want slide in my vageegee and
pump your man spunk
deep in my silky cooter cavern?
STEPHON: I don't- Yes?
LORETTA: Wrong!
(Smacks.)
STEPHON: Ahhhh! Stop...
(Smack.)
(Stephon screams.)
STEPHON: I need my safe words.
LORETTA: Those are brainwashed Bachmann lies!
Be free, faggot. Be free!!!
(Smacks.)
STEPHON: Oh Yes, DADDY!!!!
(Stephon orgasms.)
LORETTA: Oh Goddamn, my fuckin' eye!
(Smacks.)
(Music.)
LORETTA: Now for them of y'all out there that's been
thinkin' about changin' your sexual ornamentation
and for them of y'all that's wantin' to change them,
I would think twice before gettin' involved
in the ex-gay lifestyle.
It's dangerous.
You're here, you're queer...
Get the fuck over it.
STEPHON: I...don't know...what I am.
LORETTA: Oh, shut the fuck up.
Anybody in listening distance can tell
you a big nelly bottom.
That's How I Seize It.
You better not have given my eye the clap.
(Stephon giggles.)