Cast - Larry King, Mike Tyson, John C. McGinley, Horatio Sanz, Patrick Warburton, Greg Germann, Rob Delaney, Leslie Jordan, Erin Gibson, Bryan Safi and Reggie Brown Writers - Nick Wiger, Pat Bishop, Lauren Palmigiano, Ryan Perez, Alex Fernie, Scott Gairdner, Danny Jelinek, Avin Das, Melissa Rundle Directors - Pat Bishop, Scott Gairdner, Danny Jelinek, Justin Donaldson, Lauren Palmigiano Executive Producers - Anna Wenger, Ally Hord Producer - Alex Richanbach Editors - Hank Friedman, Danny Jelinek, Pat Bishop, Scott Gairdner, Nick Corirossi Graphics - Scott Yacyshyn Additional Graphics Support - Dustin Bowser, Shawn Butcher Directors of Photography - Luca Del Puppo, Jonathan Nicholas, Mike Manasewitsch Hair/Makeup - Kat Bardot, Teddie Bergman Wardrobe - Alisha Silverstein Sound - BoTown Sound, Ryan Kaiser First Assistant Director - Lauren Smitelli Production Designers - Martin Vallejo, Ellie Del Campo Gaffers - Marcus MacDougald, Eric Ulbrich Best Boy - Pedro Bermudez First AC - Donald McKinnon Wardrobe Assistant - Natasha Kutrovacz Production Assistants - Daniel Worlock, Alex Kavutsky Electronic Press Kit - Zach Zdziebko
Announcer: Welcome to the Yahoo! News Funny Or Die GOP Presidential Online Internet Cyber Debate starring: Governor Rick Perry, former speaker Newt Gingrich, Land's End model Mitt Romney, Chinese food enthusiast Jon Huntsman, child collector Michele Bachmann, noted homophobe Rick Santorum, leprechaun king Ron Paul. The real battle for the GOP nomination starts here at the Yahoo! News Funny Or Die GOP Presidential Online Internet Cyber Debate.
Larry King: Good evening, candidates. I'm Larry King and I want to welcome you to the first ever GOP online internet debate on the world wide web. Before getting into what is sure to be a history making debate, let's start by hearing something from each of you. Tell us why you'd make a good president. Governor Romney, we start with you.
Mitt Romney: What a wild future where we can have debates on the internet, it's fascinating. Now, the question at hand: why would I make a good president? It's a very good question. But, actually, am I out of time? It's okay with me if I am.
Larry King: Just about, so let's move on. Congresswoman Bachmann, you're next.
Michele Bachmann: Iowa, you've spoken loud and clear. I get it, there's no "I" in Iowa.
Rick Santorum: [snickers]
Michele Bachmann: I am thrilled to be talking to the internet today. You know, I used to talk to the internet all the time when it said "you've got mail" and then Marcus would say
Marcus Bachmann: Mail? I'll take a mail!
Michele Bachmann: [laughs] Because it can be mail as in an email or mail as in a letter.
Larry King: Up next is...
Newt Gingrich: I'd like to say something for twenty seconds. This is stupid.
Larry King: Thanks. Governor Perry, why would you make a good president?
Rick Perry: Uh, well, uh, I honestly, uh, I, I do not know. I could say some stuff like I'm good at executions cause people like it when I say that stuff. Or that, uh, um, gays give me the heebie-jeebies, but Santorum's already got the homophobic vote. I just don't want to make another mistake [ding] so, please...
Larry King: That's time. Wow. Moving on to Governor Huntsman.
Jon Huntsman: First of all, I'd like to say I love my dad. He's always been there for me, whether it's teaching me to throw a football or giving me millions of dollars when my campaign runs out of funds. My dad's out there tonight, he's always watching. Hiya daddy! Let's hear it for dads!
Larry King: Ah, it's hard to argue with that. Senator Santorum.
Rick Santorum: I would be remiss to participate in an internet debate, and not draw attention to the fact that the internet is, oh gosh, it's a dumping ground for gay pornography. During some of my very own comprehensive research, I found myself lost for hours at a time...
Larry King: Okay.
Rick Santorum: The things that you see!
Larry King: Yeah. Well, last but not least, Congressman Paul.
Ron Paul: Look, I'm the guy who fundamentally disagrees with these guys up here, 'specially that lady. They say they want smaller government, I want an even smaller government. Look how small I am! How much government you think I need? If I get elected president, I won't be president, I'll be Uncle Ron. Come sit on my knee. I'll have a knee waiting list. [ding]
Larry King: And that's your time. You all certainly have given us a lot to think about.
Larry King: We'll be right back after a quick break.
Announcer: This spring, one man has the courage to start a news revolution.
Herman Cain: Cain! Herman Cain here, and I'm out of the race into your telescreen. We are live! Every show I count down the top nine hundred and ninety-nine issues of the day. Deport the lesbians! Send them back to Lesboco! I tell it like I see it. No nonsense, no hogwash, and especially no hooey. We should not raise the debt ceiling! We should dig a tunnel into the debt floor! We should put all the poor peoples in a tomb like mummies, but then who will work for us? And now, it's time for dancing points!
Herman Cain: Dance, dance. Every night you're part of a show. Call me not toll-free to get into the action. Tulsa, Oklahoma, you're on the air.
Ed: Yes, I have a question about Libya.
Herman Cain: Wrong! Send me a tweet and I'll read 'em throughout the show. Mm, very interesting. Plus, I constantly change the name of the show. Only on the O'Cain factor. It's a non-stop truth party. No lies are invited, sorry, lies! Obama's a socialist! But, I work alone. Uzbekistan isn't real! This is Herman Cain show, this isn't Little Stanley show. I don't know why people complainin', I'm happy. I'm an American. Do you know what I'm talkin' about? Gummi Worms are not as tasty as Gummi Sharks, end of story! I'd like to announce that I am spending my show so I can focus on a nap. Na, na, na, na, na, na.
Announcer: Join the action on Cainnity and Colmes every weeknight on Fox News. Followed by Tyler Perry's House of Cain.
Herman Cain: Kids can't be up in here rappin' and ravin' and makin' me crazy!
Larry King: Welcome back to the Yahoo! News Funny Or Die debate Q and A thing. Our next question is about gay marriage.
Michele Bachmann: Ooo! Us! Us!
Rick Perry: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Rick Santorum: Jesus and I...
Michele Bachmann: Us! Answer it! I love it!
Rick Perry: I've got a real zinger for this one.
Larry King: Congressman Paul, with same-sex marriage now legal in New York State, how do you think the issue should be handled, if at all, at the federal level?
Ron Paul: Well, hold on now! The only relevant question for the future is 'how do you make fire?' Cause when I'm president, it will be survival of the fittest. No government, no marriage, no military, simply man against ape. San Francisco will be the first to fall when the apes rise. More than likely, one of them will lead their kind, and he will be called Cesar. I'd like to take this opportunity to pledge allegiance to Cesar, and I ask him to spare my life in what I would like to call the ape-ocalypse.
Larry King: Okay! One more response, uh, Governor Perry.
Rick Perry: Don't mess with same sexes!
Larry King: What?
Rick Perry: Don't mess with same sexes! That's my zinger.
Larry King: Governor Huntsman, the national unemployment rate is well over eight percent, and shows no signs of dropping. What would you do to fix this alarming trend?
Jon Huntsman: Well, when I'm, uh, elected vice-president, I will make sure my top priority is jobs. So, when I'm elected vice-president...
Larry King: I, I'm sorry Governor Huntsman, you keep saying vice-president.
Jon Huntsman: Well [laughs] who am I kidding? I'm not gonna be president so why not, uh, try for VP?
Mitt Romney: Can I chime in here? Jon, you have to stop calling my house at night. It's getting weird.
Larry King: Governor Perry, I'd like to ask you another economic question.
Rick Perry: Oh, no, please don't.
Larry King: In the past three decades the gap between rich and poor has widened to unprecedented levels. Is this something you think is bad for America?
Rick Perry: I mean, right now my brain is, uh, is kinda thinking of this real funny racist joke about this Injun and this colored, uh, fella. I'm sorry, uh, two colored fellas.
Larry King: Okay, we have reached a very important part of the debate, the Reagan Speed Round. Now, you know how this works. We give the candidates seven seconds, and whoever can mention Ronald Reagan's name the most wins the round! Go!
All candidates at once: Reagan! Reagan! Reagan! Reagan! Ronald Reagan! Ronald Reagan! Reagan! Ronald Reagan!
Larry King: Time's up!
Michele Bachmann: Johnald Reagan!
Larry King: And the winner of the Reagan Speed Round is Jon Huntsman.
Michele Bachmann: Thank you.
Jon Huntsman: Thank you. Thank you. I'm gonna pick that Huntsman as my VP. Whoa! Whoa! Who said that?
Herman Cain: Hey guys look at me! I'm [inaudible]
Larry King: Herman Cain, get out of here!
Herman Cain: [making laser sounds] Watch Cain The Press. Live in prime-time.
Larry King: Herman! Go!
Herman Cain: So long, suckers!
Larry King: Now, we will be taking some questions from Twitter users. Crazyfarts2008 tweets: The question is for Newt Gingrich. Newt, are you a klump? Speaker Gingrich.
Newt Gingrich: If, uh, crazyfarts2008 is referring to the loveable family drama from the Eddie Murphy comedy saga, well the answer is no.
Larry King: Next question from cullengal86 to Governor Romney. Mitt, are you on team Edward or team Jacob?
Mitt Romney: Look, I have a long committed history of being on team Jakeward.
Larry King: Excuse me, did you say team Edward or team Jacob?
Mitt Romney: Exactly. Team Edcob, and I'm not apologizing for it.
Larry King: Studfinderxxx tweets: Do you want to find well-hung singles in your area? Sorry, that appears to be a spam tweet.
Marcus Bachmann: Excuse me, I'll take studfinder's question! Approximately how well-hung are we talking?
Rick Santorum: Yeah, excuse me, just, just exactly how well-hung are we talking about here? Because this is exactly what the gays do. They lure normal people into their ranks with titillating promises of companionship, and it turns out to be just another spam bot who could care less about your feelings.
Larry King: This is all very interesting, but let's take a break shall we?
Marcus Bachmann: I know we don't know each other, but I am here if you want to talk about it.
Announcer: Two thousand twelve is a groundbreaking year for American politics, because two Republican candidates are Mormons. This is the moment we've been waiting for ever since Jesus first came to America. Mormonism, we've got two guys in the race. Suck on that, Judaism.
Larry King: Welcome back to the Yahoo! News Funny Or Die GOP Presidential Internet town hall cyber back and forth round robin forum Q and A thing. Well, as we conclude tonight's proceedings, we thought we'd devote some time to the real reason these candidates are here. An opportunity to blatantly, shamelessly, promote their books. Each candidate will have ten seconds to plug a book. Governor Romney, you're first.
Mitt Romney: Well, my new book is called Just Tell Me What You Want: One Man's Journey To Say Anything To Be President. And if you take a look inside, you'll see it's totally blank. So, you can just write in whatever you want me to have said.
Larry King: Governor Huntsman, you're next.
Jon Huntsman: Now, I don't actually have a book, but my dad Jon Huntsman Senior does have a book, Winners Never Cheat. Guys, my dad is so big, and so strong, and so fast, he reminds me of one man. [whispers] Mitt Romney.
Larry King: Speaker Gingrich.
Newt Gingrich: My book is Grubbin' With Newt: America's Best Barbecue. And trust me, this is the most research I've ever put into a book.
Larry King: Congressman Paul.
Ron Paul: My book is a guide to keeping kids out of your abandoned amusement park. Trick is to dress up like a ghost or a goblin.
Larry King: Senator Santorum.
Rick Santorum: My book is Coming Out On Top: Overcoming The Irresistible Temptation Of Gay Sex. The book is filled with handcrafted photos designed to aid you in your homosexual aversion therapy, or as well call it in the book, HAT. Let me just draw your attention to the really flexible young man.
Larry King: Governor Perry.
Rick Perry: Uh, my book report is on the Hardy Boys and the Secret of Wildcat Swamp.
Larry King: Uh, you're supposed to promote a book that you have written, not a book you like.
Rick Perry: Oh, well, um, this one's got train robbers.
Larry King: Fair Enough. And finally, Congresswoman Bachmann.
Michele Bachmann: Well, my book Core of Conviction is about a modern woman who has a great career, a terrific husband, and dozens and dozens of children, despite never once having sex.
Larry King: Very good. So, on behalf of all of the candidates, Yahoo!, Funny Or Die...
Herman Cain: Hey, wait! What about my book?
Larry King: Herman Cain is back again!
Herman Cain: Everyone buy my book of brain teasers and optical illusions. Herman Cain: Mind Boggling Cainundrums! These brain bogglers will boggle your mind.
Larry King: We bid you good night.
Larry King: Now, stay tuned for the Democratic response.
Barack Obama: Hello, America. I've been offered this time by Yahoo! uh, to give my rebuttal to this, uh, unique GOP internet debate. After hearing what all of the candidates had to say, I know what you're thinkin'. You're thinkin' about voting for me. What? Shh. Now, I know, right? You don't want anyone to know your dirty little secret. Besides, I'm not even your type. You're into conservative candidates. Well, let me tell you a little secret, I am a conservative. Do you know how many Wall Street bankers I've prosecuted? Zero. And the health care bill I passed? It's a carbon copy of the one Republicans floated as an alternative to Hilary-care. Oh. Thank you. Just extended the Bush tax cuts again. You like that, don't ya? And, yes we left Iraq, but I was following an agreement George W. Bush signed back in two thousand eight. When I say I'm gonna pull out, I do. You can trust me. So, vote for me. I won't tell anybody. Promise. Oh, I got you a little late Christmas present. It's my new book, The Audacity of Me Killing Osama Bin Laden.
Female Announcer: Paid for by the committee to elect President Obama for the Republican nomination.