Oh now all yew PETA sympathizers gonna seize on my kickin the cat part of this HISI... more »
Oh now all yew PETA sympathizers gonna seize on my kickin the cat part of this HISI wont yew try and unnerstand that fuckin fleabag has shit on my porch on more than one occasion. I'm jess spose to ignore that? Fuck yew.
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Aww fuck dang,
I miss that little Ol' Stevie Wonder.
Bless his heart.
He dead, ain't he?
It's Friday the 13th
here in How I Seize It land
and we here to entertain your brain.
I'm Loretta Jenkins,
your good luck charm
and I'm also magically delicious.
I felt like now is as good a time as any
to dispel some of them common superstitions
I call them stoopstitions,
cause you're stoop to be scart.
I ain't afraid of goddamn nothin'
except for midgets!
"Check out the Games of Thrones,
that's right up your alley!"
And I got as far as seeing that little mini-me
and I was like,
"Oh hell no. This is NOT for me!"
Some people has that superstition
that the Loch Ness Monster Bessie
be floatin' around over there
in the Lochs of the Ness
over there in Scotchland.
But don't y'all think that an animal
that was down there in the wate
would have to come up
more than once every forty years
to catch a breath of air?
That just don't make no sense to me.
this is comin' from a country
that is #2 and #3 in alcoholic drunks per captius.
Hey you can quote the almanac on that.
I been brushing' up for my Jeopardy tryouts.
Walkin' under a ladder?
Hell, that ain't never killed nobody,
lessen of course you just
knock it out from under them!
If they a frenemy or somethin'.
Or you tryin' to snag they husband.
Ain't nobody wanna fuck a quadriplegic.
Just ask Newt Gingrich.
His second wife-
She be watchin' this tryin' to laugh.
She be like…
A four-left clover with a piece
of extra chromosome,
so the truth is
you diggin', lookin' through the grass
lookin' for a 'tarded Leprechaun turd.
Mona, stifle it!
I know you don't like Leprechans.
What the fuck is a peppercorn?
Now I do believe it bring bad luck
when a black cat cross your path.
You know last time Mamaw's cat,
that mangy thing that had like
eyeboogers and dingleberries,
and its breath smelled like shit all the time,
had matted up hairs,
had a dingleberry
that turned into a super-dingleberry,
it walked around with shit on its ass
and stunk up to high heaven?
that shitbox tried to cross my path
and I booted it about 30 yards
up into a tree.
It was like meeeeeooooooowww!
Well it didn't so much crossin' my path
as I seen it pissin' in my neighbors yard
and I got a runnin' start
it was more like-
It was more like that.
Well for fuck's sake,
it says here if a cat's crossin' your path-
If it's comin' towards ya,
it's bringin' you good riches,
but if it's goin' away from ya,
it's the opposite!
Well what if you drop-kicked it?
Fuck, I knew karma was gonna come
bite my ass one of these days.
I reckon it's time to make amends.
You come and go,
You come and go…"
You know that one that say
step on a crack,
break your momma's back?
That shit don't work,
cause if it did
my momma would've turned herself inside out.
She'd be crawlin' around like a snail.
I have to keep remindin' myself
that bitch ain't dead.
Does anybody know the Patron Saint to Dead Mommas?
I need to pray to his ass.
Oooh, and you know what else?
Droppin' an umbrella on the floor means,
that they's gonna be a murder in your house.
So if somebody come in your house
and they drop an umbrella,
than I'd be suspicious that they comin' to kill you
and I'd go ahead and kill them off first.
I mean, that'll stand up in a court of law, right?
Fuck I sure hope so.
Oh, I love this one!
If a clock that ain't been workin'
suddenly chimes, they's gonna be a
sudden death in your family.
Hey, if a clock that ain't been workin' suddenly chime,
than I'm gonna get the fuck out the house,
You got worser things than death to think about
cause you got ghosts up in your attic, man
and that will bring your market value down.
Ask that Poltergeist woman.
Aww fuck man, I think she died.
Everybody in that movie died.
Ew, that little blonde-headed gal
give me the willies.
She'd be fuckin' ugly now all growed up.
Oh my God,
this one here just kills my ass…
It say it's bad luck to light
three cigarettes with one match.
Well if I'm going through such a time
that I needs to light three cigarettes
at the same time-
I don't know who you are to all the sudden
judge me, Goddamnit!
Three in one's ecolomical!
These is hard times.
Do the math, mother fucker!
Y'all I been gettin' weird feelings all day long.
Something real bad, something scary's gonna happen.
Like…like Sarah Palin presidency kind of scary.
See it's like all of us was like walkin' through the woods
and it was misty rain and fog and cold
and spooky voices was like
Oooooh all around us.
And then that spooky ass Mike Myers start playin'.
My goddamn daddy used to play that music
to get us all scart up to bed when I was little.
I shit the bed til I was 7 damn years old
cause of that sumbitch!
God Bless colon cancer!
Shit, where was I?
We was campin' and I go off with this hungin'
and he started stripping me down.
And then we heard this noise,
it sounded like it was from behind a tree
but I looked and didn't see nothin'.
And just about the time I was gettin' ready
to expose my tits to him-
Who the fuck done that?
I think I pissed myself.
Just about the time I was gettin' ready to
expose my titties to him-
Happy Friday the 13th, Bitches!
LORETTA: I gotcha!
And that's How I Seize It!