Description:
Funny or Die's first ever web only mini-movie, "The Smallest Co%k in Porn: The Don Dolmes Story" is a mockumentary that spoofs the legend of John Holmes.
Patience is overrated...
Patience is overrated...
WEBVTT
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[Humming]
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[Music Playing]
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[Girl Moaning]
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<v Don Dolmes> I, uh, I feel good about today. You know? Uh, it's a great scene, it's really intimate. Uh, I, you know, I love my job. I love my job. I love women. Uh, I respect them. Um, they're just like guys, they just wanna bust a nut.
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<v Announcer> Don Dolmes was the largest grossing adult film actor of the late eighties. And one of the most mysterious stars of all time.
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<v Camryn Kiss> Yeah, I heard he was a legend. I mean, I never got to work with him, but I wish I could have.
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<v Announcer> His claim to fame? The smallest penis in the history of pornography.
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[Music Playing]
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<v Announcer> The story of Don Dolmes has never been told, until now.
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<v Announcer> We caught up with the reclusive Dolmes at his workshop in Lancaster, California.
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<v Don Dolmes> Why do you think I was reluctant to talk to you guys, man? I was in porn! You know? I mean, come on! Not a lot of people, uh, you know, who do that in their past just shout that from the rafters. Like, hey, I'm Don Dolmes, I have the smallest co%k in porn.
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<v Ryan French> To you, he'll always be Don Dolmes. But, to me, I'll always remember him as little Jeffysaurus. He was charismatic, funny, like, a good leader. I mean, those are the ways I remember, you know, Don, I mean, he was...
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<v Don Dolmes> I think of myself as a sexual philosopher. You know? I think of myself as a, an erotic explorer. You know? I'm sort of the, I'm the Cortez of pu*sy.
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<v Captain Colonel> Hi. I'm uh, Captain Colonel, I run, uh, Straight Up Fu*k Pictures. Uh, I been running it for a long time, twenty-five years. I met Don Dolmes back in nineteen eighty-three, and, uh, he was our water guy. Sometimes instead of tipping him, I would let him look at one of our movies. So, uh, we just finished this 'not with my daughter, you don't' movie, and I said come on over and take a look, kid, it's pretty fun. But, I keep looking and I'm like, you seem like you're pretty hot and heavy, and he's like oh, I'm as hot, as hard as a steel rod right now, and it just looked like someone had put like, some throwing dice in his pants or something. It was just a slight little ridge there. This was the moment when I knew, Colonel Captain, somethin's gonna happen special, here. We started shooting movies and that was it. This sh*t took off like a rocket ship.
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<v Announcer> Written in just forty-five minutes, The Little Co%k That Could told the story of a water delivery man with a really small penis.
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<v Don Dolmes> I gotta be honest, man. I thought it was just another gig. You know? I thought it was just another random thing to do. I didn't know that it would take off and I would become this.
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[Music Playing]
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<v Dan Healy> This is where it all happens. This is my shrine to Don. Uh, uh, all these video tapes, uh, uh, this is, uh, Don Dolmes bootlegs, this is a lot of outtakes, uh, this is some conceptual stuff that he did, uh, a western, but, uh, and, uh, and, uh, here's a, uh, uh, this is my, this is my favorite thing right here. I don't know if you need me to, it says, to Dan, again. [Laughs] It's a little joke between he and I because I, I'd write him pretty often trying to get a picture, and he sent me several, but I just wanted to get as many as I could. I need to get a, what do you call that?
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<v Announcer> Between the summer of nineteen eighty-three, and the fall of nineteen eighty-six, Dolmes made over two thousand movies.
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<v Don Dolmes> [Door Slams] Pony Express, special delivery. [Door Slams] Somebody order a small pepperoni? [Door Slams] Cable guy. [Door Slams] The doctor is in. [Door Slams] Pu*sy fu**er.
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<v John Pappageogidis> Before I met Don Dolmes, my life, the life of John Pappageogidis was sh*t. Okay? To put it simply. I worked at an old age home in like a, in like a hospice care unit. I would record the life stories of people who were soon to die. You know?
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<v Brad Jarvis> Don Dolmes saw a, a market, that, uh, had not been tapped. Uh, and, uh, and he, he just struck while the iron was hot. We owe our, uh, our lives, we owe our house to Don.
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<v Don Dolmes> I'm always fu**in' fightin'. Right? Cause I'm a fighter. I'm a fighter, I am an underdog. I am scraping tooth and fu**in' nail. I will fu**in' destroy! I will fu**in' HUH!
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<v Dan Healy> My appreciation of, of, of Mister Dolmes started, uh, with the first film that, uh, I saw, uh, Teeny Tiny Victory In The Hole. Uh, he, he speaks for the common man. Uh, those who might not be as well endowed as some of the other, uh, stars out there. Um, I think of him as a, uh, sensible car. I can identify with him.
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<v Captain Colonel> This guy's co%k was small. You know how you look at a orca whale, and you're like 'oh, the eye is where the white spot is', and then you go up and you're like 'oh, it's not an eye, it's actually over here.' That's what his co%k was like.
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<v Dan Healy> Uh, this, this is from Kindergarten Co%k. Um, I'm his partner. Uh, Don you've gotta get in there and fu*k that pu*sy 'til it's unconscious. You telling me how to run my bureau? Oh, I couldn't. You're the best.
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<v Announcer> In just three short years, Dolmes had gone from a nobody water delivery man to an international star.
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<v Ryan French> When Don got famous, you know, we kinda fell out of touch. I guess when you get famous, you know, you hang out with all your celebrity friends in your limos and stuff. You don't wanna hang out with your friends, you've known, your whole life I guess.
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<v Don Dolmes> And I understand people like, uh, you know, the president of Haiti and people like Britney Spears who are important figures and that there's so much riding on that. You know, I, I became, I became something that wasn't me. I mean, I became something that, that, that, this symbol for people.
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<v Captain Colonel> I mean everyone was around. Everyone who wanted to be near the heat that was Don Dolmes. When I fu**in' walk into a room there'd be Venus Generalitis would be next to him. I looked over to my right and the guy was inside R2D2's over there smoking a joint. I mean, this was celebrity heaven going on.
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<v Don Dolmes> I took kickboxing with David Lee Roth, he was a buddy of mine. I went hot air ballooning with Mick Jagger. I, um, I hung out with Andy Warhol. I mean, me. You know? What the fu*k am I doing with Andy Warhol? [Laughs]
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<v Dan Healy> He single-handedly changed the landscape for human sexuality. I mean, I think he's the Rosa Parks of fetish sex.
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<v Announcer> In nineteen eighty-six, at the height of his fame, Dolmes founded The Freak Farm. Establishing himself as one of the major players in the fetish sex industry.
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<v Tina Tiny Vaginy> Oh, I'm pretty much known as, um, having the smallest vagina in porn. And, um, I mean I was in the business way long before Don was, but purely in a gimmick-y way. You know? Like directors would mostly have me sucking off a midget, or like, diddling myself with a Q-Tip. And, you know, Don really legitimized me.
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<v Don Dolmes> I love working with Tina. She's the best, she's the best. And, you know, her and I getting together is a no-brainer. You got the smallest pu*sy in porn, you got the smallest dick in porn. And, uh, it's just, you know working with her is, it's not work. She's a great person, she's got a beautiful old soul, just a gorgeous pu*sy, and, uh, it's nice to be fu**ing somebody and they know that you're fu**ing them.
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<v Tuna Can Co%k> Freak Farm was amazing. You know, Don put together, uh, a, a, a, group of, of, like, the most talented, uh, uh, most, uh, bizarre people. You know? Don had a real eye for that stuff. He could, he could spot a freak. If we went out to a restaurant, Don would be like [Snaps Fingers] boom!
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<v Don Dolmes> You know, it's kinda like, you know, a calling. You know what I mean? It's kind of like, like I can tell that you have, you know, your pubic hair is a different color just because of the way you carry yourself. I can see that the, the sound woman there, you know, she might have two butt holes. I can't tell. There's something going on in the back, you know?
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<v Brynne Jarvis> I was never comfortable having sex with strangers. But, having sex with a family member? I mean, my parents had sex with each other. That's my mom and my dad. You know? They're family to me. And so, for us to be family and do it too, well it just made sense. I mean.
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<v Tuna Can Co%k> My penis? Uh, well, it's, uh, about two and a quarter inch in length, but then three and three quarters inch in diameter. So, it's wider than it is long.
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<v Brad Jarvis> The whole Freak Farm was kind of a, a family. Um, it was, it was just a place where people could come and not be judged. You know? And it's hard when you're a brother and sister porn team. I'm old fashioned. [Baby Crying] I don't want to cum in the face of just any old stranger.
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<v Don Dolmes> The Freak Farm also, um, was like giving a, uh, you know, a drug addict a ticket to Amsterdam.
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<v Tuna Can Co%k> I quit my job, I quit school, and I quit my family. And do you know why? Because when Don Dolmes started the Freak Farm, he gave me a place to go that offered me a chance at greatness.
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[Girl and Guy Moaning]
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<v Don Dolmes> You feel that co%k in your sweet little a*s?
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<v Porn Star> No, not at all!
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<v Don Dolmes> I'm ashamed of some of it, sure. You know? I did some things, I said some things. I, uh, I put some things in places that I never should have. Never should have.
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<v Jim> Working with Don can be very difficult. Um, not being, you know, sharing, not sharing his genius I can't really judge his actions. I mean, you know, the product speaks for itself to a certain extent, so.
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<v Cinnamon> Come in.
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[Door Slams]
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<v Ted Shells> You have to sign for this package.
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<v Don Dolmes> No! You fu**ing idiot! What is wrong with this?! Do you know what this is called? It's called a fu**ing script you a*shole! Why don't you fu**ing learn how to use it?! I am sick of this sh*t! I am sick of this fu**ing sh*t! [Yelling] God damn it! Do you have any fu**ing idea how hard I work?! Do you have any idea?!
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<v Ted Shells> You're a dick. Fu*k you!
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<v Don Dolmes> Fu*k this sh*t. I don't deserve this sh*t. Don't touch me! Don't you touch me! I'll karate you! I'll fu**ing karate you! You fu**ing as*hole, don't you fu**ing do that to me!
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[Door Slams]
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<v Ted Shells> Thanks. Maybe we should get that kid out of here.
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<v Cinnamon> He's fine. He's fine.
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<v Don Dolmes> You don't fu**ing do that to me, you a*shole! [Door Slams] You don't fu**in' do that to me!
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<v Don Dolmes> You look fu**in' great.
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<v Ted Shells> I'm ready to fu*k, dog.
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<v Captain Colonel> The most predictable part of any kind of star is the fall. I mean, first off you just stop thinking. He forgot what got him there.
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<v Ryan French> They took everything from Don. I mean, his house, his giraffe, I mean, I'll never forget them just leading it out of the house, it was like, a, like it was a prisoner of some kind. You know? Even his bumper boats.
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<v Brad Jarvis> When the, uh, when the thing with Ted happened, I mean, just, he was blindsided by it. Cause, I mean, when you're Don Dolmes, and you're, you're, you know, you're working with this acorn cap, you really think you have the market cornered. And, and, and then for someone to come off with like, this, I don't know, like a squirrel's toenail, it was absurdly small.
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<v Ted Shells> Don Dolmes is a liar. Okay? He claimed to have the smallest co%k in porno, which as we all know, turned out to be a falsehood.
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<v Paparazzi> Don! What's up with Ted Shells?
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<v Don Dolmes> Pfft. What, what do you mean? Nothin'. I never think about Ted Shells. Why should I? Guy's a loser. He's jealous, he's fu**in' petty, he's tired of living in the gigantic shadow of my tiny co%k and he just can't handle it.
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<v Ted Shells> The size of my dick is registered. That's on a registry with printed numbers. So, fu*k you!
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<v Don Dolmes> Fu*k that. Fu*k that. Let's go get some pu*sy.
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<v Ted Shells> I challenged that guy to a dick measuring contest numerous times, and he did not return my calls. So, I did what I had to do. I called him out. The Governor Awards, eighty-nine.
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<v Awards Announcer> Nineteen eighty-nine male entertainer of the year goes to Don Dolmes! Woo!
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<v Don Dolmes> Now we can party, right?!
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<v Ted Shells> Who's got the smallest co%k in this room? Huh? Who!?
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<v Don Dolmes> Why don't you sit down?!
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<v Don Dolmes> I will karate chop the fu*k out of you! Ahh! You mother fu**er!
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[Camera Sound]
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<v Ted Shells> Why are you doing this movie about him, anyway? Dude, I've been doin' a lot of stuff right now. About, uh, how much film do you have in that thing? Do you wanna shoot some stuff? I got a lot goin' on right now.
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<v Don Dolmes> He shot me down and shook my confidence. I, uh, I buried myself in a bottle. I was, uh, doing drugs, and at the end of a, uh, I don't know, like a four or five day drug bender, I, uh, apparently I had a party. And, uh, you know, when you're, when you wake up in a puddle of your own sh*t, and a stack of bills, and a bunch of angry voice mails, you start to think. You know? What happened to me? Why? Who's wallet is this?
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<v Captain Colonel> Suddenly, as opposed to trusting himself and loving himself, and doing what he did best, which was fu**in' having sex with anonymous drug addict ladies, he went down this whole dark path.
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<v Brad Jarvis> When Don died, we, uh, we were just shipwrecked. We were ship-, we just didn't know where to, we didn't go to the funeral because we couldn't get a sitter.
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<v Don Dolmes> I, uh, I walked away. I had too much. I decided I wanted out, so I got out. I, uh, I faked my own death which, uh, wasn't actually as hard as you might think. Um, you know, I, I put two and two together, you know, I, Captain Colonel was my best friend. He's a, uh, horrible gossip. He is a, uh, alcoholic superstitious, uh, manic-depressive, who believes in ghosts. And I put all these things together, so what I did, after I was, you know, off the radar for a couple of days, I showed up to his house in the middle of the night, and I was pale and sweaty like I usually am, and I told him that I was dead, and I was, uh, a ghost. And, uh, I told him that I got killed by a lawnmower, and he took it from there. You know? His imagination ran with it.
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<v Captain Colonel> Don died. Don died like all of us die. He didn't die like a superstar, he died like a human being. He was walking across the street eating a sandwich and a bus hit him. It was that simple. Shattered his spine, he sh*t his pants, insisted he could get up and walk. It was like watching a shot deer not knowing that it's shot. Actually went into Subway, ordered a whole hoagie, ate it, made several phone calls, bought a copy of Baseball Digest, looked up some stats, and just like that, [Snaps Fingers] four months later, he realized he had been hit, and was gone, in the blink of an eye a year and a half later, he was gone.
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<v Don Dolmes> I guess that's why it worked. I mean, if anybody even sort of wanted to find me, they could.
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<v Ted Shells> What isn't Ted Shells doing today? Uh, I'm still on top, man. Still making movies, and I'm, uh, I'm just still getting it done.
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<v John Pappageogidis> My life is a lot different now, but better. You know? Like better, and like a lot. I mean like, I'm an entrepreneur. You know? Like, I own my own company. Tuna Candles. You know, it's a, it's a candle that is the exact, uh, representation physically of my co%k. And I sell those on the interweb, and that's pretty great for that, like, I've got some orders.
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<v Ted Shells> I'm touring. Now. I'm doing, I'm on a fu*k tour of Europe. Uh, and then I head to Bangkok, Oriental City, and, um, I'll fu*k a lot of people there, take some pictures, do the thing, sign some autographs, kiss some babies, you know, that whole thing.
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<v Don Dolmes> I've got a good, it's a good life. It's a good life. I'm not gonna, you know, it's not as exciting as my life was before. Um, but that's not such a bad thing. [Laughs] Um, you know, boring is good sometimes. Yep. Boring is good sometimes.
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<v Don Dolmes> Just, a lighter shade of paint up here.
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<v Woman> Just right there on the top?
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<v Don Dolmes> Well, because historically, these houses were often uh, painted and built by the Welsh.
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<v Woman> Uh-huh.
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<v Don Dolmes> Welsh immigrants. And they were scared of heights, so they would have, they would have Germans, or Dutch.
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<v Captain Colonel> I'm not the brightest guy in the world. I made a lot of money, but I'm not the brighest guy in the world. I got a seventy-eight IQ and I'll tell you that the second I meet you. Uh, I've got scabies. I've got chronic scabies. Um, my heart rate is permanently around the range of one seventy-five, one ninety. Uh, I've, have I, have I, am I a convicted sex offender? Yes. I am, and I'll tell you about it. I've done weird stuff around people. I've shown my co%k to nuns, uh, I'm, I've bankrupted five times, declared bankruptcy. Uh, fu*k it, the limited jurisdictions run out, I took a pot shot at Gerald Ford back in the seventies. I said fu*k it. I was smoking a lot of coke, I'm gonna shoot that fu**er. He kept sneaking into my bedroom at night and telling me to cut off my co%k. I gotta end it.
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<v Dan Healy> No! Honey, I'm doing a thing right now. Yeah, I'm with my trees.
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<v John Pappageogidis> God's honest truth? Candle business? A lot more cutthroat than porn.
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<v Don Dolmes> [Creaking noises] Hey. How come I've never fu**ed a chick between the toes?
