This week, Bryan and Erin revel in Heather Graham's incredible performance in... more »
Published January 21, 2014 17k views More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Written by Erin Gibson & Bryan Safi
Camera Op: Cristina Dunlap
Editor: Ian Skalski
Camera Op: Matt Sweeney
Art: Tricia Robertson
Follow Erin & Bryan on Twitter
Erin:
http://www.twitter.com/gibblertron
Bryan:
http://www.twitter.com/bryansafi

THIS IS THROWING SHADE.
WHERE FEMINASTY ERIN GIBSON,
AND HOMOSENUAL BRYAN SAFI, TAKE A LOOK AT THE
HEADLINES AND POLITICS, AND POP CULTURE,
AND TREAT THEM WTIH MUCH LESS RESPECT THAN
THEY DESERVE.
CAN YOU HANDLE IT?
HAPPY MLK.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH
- YES.
I LEARNED ALOT ABOUT MLK TODAY.
I'M SO AFRAID OF WHERE THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO GO,
I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.
NO, PLEASE DON'T.
OKAY.
BECAUSE, I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK ME FOR NOT KNOWING MORE.
- SURE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH.
I DID A BUNCH OF RESEARCH THIS MORNING. I DID ABOUT TWO
HOURS ON MLK.
OH GOOD.
I FOUND OUT THAT THERE ARE PLACES IN THE SOUTH WHERE MLK DAY
IS SIMULTANEOUSLY CELEBRATED WITH ROBERT E. LEE.
- REALLY?
- YEAH.
ISN'T THAT FUN?
OH GREAT.
- SO THEY'RE LIKE...
- YEAH.
THEY JUST SMUSH THEM TOGETHER...
YOU TAKE THE GOOD, YOU TAKE THE BAD.
YEAH, IT'S BASICALLY YING AND YANG.
IT'S THE FACTS OF LIFE.
YEAH.
ALLOVER IN THE SOUTH RIGHT NOW...
JUST ONE DAY, WE'RE GOING TO CELEBRATE THE SOUTH'S...
LOST...
LOST...
- SLASH, MIND VICTORY.
- THE SOUTH BEING FORCED INTO ABOLISHING SLAVERY,
AND MARTIN LUTHER KING...
FREEDOM FIGHTER.
FREEDOM FIGHTER, YEAH.
IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE TO ME.
OH SURE, YEAH.
YOU KNOW HOW THE SOUTH IS JUST A WALKING DICHOTOMY.
ABSOLUTELY.
WHAT ARE THEY HAPPY, THEY'RE SAD, THEY'RE DRUNK, THEY'RE SOBER
WE DON'T KNOW.
IT'S JUST, THEY ARE ALL OF US. THEY REALLY ARE.
DO YOU PUT SUGAR IN YOUR TEA OR NOT? WHO KNOWS.
YEAH, I AGREE.
WELL ERIN, I'M ON A HIGH, AND A LOW.
OH, YOU ARE?
YEAH.
WHAT...
I'M ON A NATURAL HIGH BECAUSE MY OIL SPILLING.
MY OIL SPILLING (GASPS)?
OIL, OIL, OIL..
IT SOUNDS LIKE A BP DISASTER.
THEY REALLY BLEW THAT UP IN THE MEDIA WHEN THEY DIDN'T NEED TO.
IT WASN'T THAT BAD.
- OH THE OIL SPILL?
- YEAH.
IN FACT, I LIKE, IT WAS SO FUNNY WHEN I FOUND OUT IT WAS LIKE,
GOOD. NOW EVERYTHING IN THE OCEAN WILL BE MORE MOISTURIZED.
THAT'S A REALLY GOOD ATTITUDE.
YEAH.
OH, SO I OIL SWILLED.
YEAH.
WHICH BASICALLY YOU TAKE A TABLESPOON OF COCONUT OIL, YOU PUT IT IN YOUR
MOUTH, YOU SWISH IT AROUND FOR 20 MINUTES, YOU SPIT IT OUT, AND
OUT COMES ALL OF THIS CRAZY GUNK.
OKAY, I HAVE A QUESTION. IS IT, ACTUALLY GUNK THAT'S BEEN
MAGNETIZED OUT OF YOUR MOUTH BY COCONUT OIL MAGICALLY. SECRET OF THE
TROPICS.
(LAUGHS)
OR IS IT THAT THE COCONUT OIL CHEMICALLY REACTS WITH YOUR SALIVA...
OH...
AND TURNS IT INTO A DIFFERENT COLOR.
CUZ YOU COULD BE GETTING DUPED.
YEAH, YOUR'RE RIGHT.
WELL MY FIRST ANSWER TO YOU IS I'M NOT A FUCKING CHEMIST.
AND MY SECOND ANSWER TO YOU IS I DON'T KNOW.
WE SAW LOOKING THIS WEEKEND.
BRYAN: I HAVE A VERY COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS SHOW. FIRST
OF ALL...
ERIN: OH DID THE SHOW LIKE FUCK YOU, AND DIDN'T CALL YOU THE NEXT DAY.
YEP. I CALLED TIME WARNER CABLE TO GET HBO, AND I TOLD THEM ON THE PHONE
BECAUSE I WANT THE SHOW TO DO REALLY WELL. SO I'M ON THE PHONE SAYING
DO YOU KNOW WHY I WANT TO GET HBO...
OH NOBODY CARES AT TIME WARNER.
(LAUGHS) NOBODY. AND THEN THEY GO WHY, AND I GO FOR THE SHOW LOOKING.
AND THEY WERE LIKE, OKAY, AND I GO, I LITERALLY GO, DO YOU WANT TO PUT
THAT IN YOUR NOTES?
(LAUGHING)
AND HE WAS LIKE, SURE. AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY HAVE A NOTE
SECTION OR NOT.
CAN YOU JUST GET HBO? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT SHOWS...
I JUST GOT HBO. I SAID, DON'T FEED ME ANY OF YOUR BULLSHIT.
CAN YOU JUST DO THAT?
THAT'S WHAT I DID.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
SO COOL.
- THEY TRIED TO DO THAT...
- WHY WOULD I LIE?
BUT THEY BUNDLE YOU.
NO I DIDN'T GET BUNDLED AT ALL. I WENT IN AND I SAID, EXCUSE ME OFFICER,
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? AND I WENT CRAZY.
YEAH.
BUT NO, I JUST GOT HBO, $15 DOLLARS A MONTH.
$15 DOLLARS A MONTH. THAT'S ACTUALLY CHEAPER THAN BUYING THEM ALL
INDIVIDUALLY.
A MALL?
IT IS CHEAPER THAN BUYING A MALL.
THESE DAYS, YOU CAN BUY AN INDOOR MALL ABSOLUTELY. NOBODY WANTS TO
GO INTO THOSE.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HERE'S MY RELATIONSHIP WITH LOOKING. I WAS SO EXCITED TO SEE IT, AND THEN
IT CAME TIME TO SEE IT, AND I WAS LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO WATCH IT.
- I DON'T WANT TO...
- YOU WERE SCARED BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT MAY BE BAD.
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE BAD, IN A WEIRD WAY...
BUT DID YOU LIKE WEEKENDS?
IN A VERY SELF HATING WAY.
OH.
I WAS LIKE, I'M ALSO A LITTLE AFRAID THAT'S ITS GOING TO BE GREAT.
LIKE BECAUSE THAT WILL MEAN, I'M NOT INVOLVED IN IT.
OH WELL YOU COULD BE.
MAYBE, BUT I WATCHED IT, AND I LOVED IT.
I LOVED IT.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT ARE UNREALISTIC ABOUT IT.
WHAT?
SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT, HOW HARD OF A TIME ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE.
WAIT TO YOU GET FURTHER DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE, OR DICK HOLE OR WHATEVER.
OH I LOVE IT.
BUT THAT BEING SAID, I REALLY DID. IT'S SO GOOD, AND I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT IT.
THEY TOTALLY SET IT UP WHERE YOU NOW BELIEVE THAT THE HOT GUY HAS
TROUBLE. THEY MAKE HIM VERY AWKWARD. YOU FIND OUT HE'S FROM DENVER,
THIS IS NOT A SWARE WORD.
OH THEN WELL NO WONDER.
BUT NO, I MEAN LIKE HE GREW UP VERY CONSERVATIVE, AND HE WANTS TO
DATE SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE HIM THAT FITS THIS LIKE PROFILE...
YEAH.
AND HE'S NOT GETTING THAT, BECAUSE HE'S NOT LIKE...
I...(SIGH)
OPENING HIMSELF UP TO THE DICK...
WATCH LOOKING. WATCH MY IMPRESSION OF HEATHER GRAHAM IN FLOWERS IN
THE ATTIC.
DO IT RIGHT NOW?
OH IT'S SO GOOD.
DID THEY JUST HAVE HER ON LIKE A CHAIR THAT JUST HAD A
CONSTANT FIRE UNDERNEATH IT?
- SHE WAS ON FIRE FROM THE KNEES DOWN...
- SHE WAS ON A BUFFET TRAY.
THROUGH THE ENTIRE FILM. SO YOU NEED TO WATCH HER PERFORMANCE IN THAT.
I CAN'T WAIT. THURSDAY I'M DOING FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC.
DOUBLE FEATURE, DP. I'M DOING OG.
YOU SHOULDN'T SAY DP.
- DOUBLE PENETRATION, FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC YEAH.
- YEAH
OLD SCHOOL 70S, THEN NEW SCHOOL 90S.
NOT QUITE. YOUR LIKE 20 YEARS OFF.
THE 90S ARE BACK. GO INTO ANY URBAN OUTFITTERS.
NO, THAT IS TRUE.
FLOWER SHORTS. YOU SEE DOC MARTIENS. YOU SEE HALF SHIRTS.
YOU SEE KNITS.
YEAH.
KNITS ARE BACK.
OH BOY. I FEEL LIKE THAT'S ALWAYS BEEN AROUND.
NO, IN THE 90S THEY WORE LIKE A KNITTED SWEATER OVER A FLOWER DRESS.
OH RIGHT, YEAH.
LIKE LISA LOEB.
TOTALLY. VELOUR. MAROON.
OH YEAH, CRUSH VELVET.
I DON'T WANT MAROON.
GOD, IF THIS MEANS THE COUNTING CROWS ARE BACK I'M KILLING MYSELF.
- YEAH.
- I'M OUT. I'M DONE.
- WELL SAID, WELL SAID.
- IT'S OVER. IT IS DONE FOR ME.
WELL ABC IS NOT AS EASY AS 123.
I LOVE JACKSON FIVE.
- ME TOO.
- YEAH.
SO, THE BACHELOR.
WE KNOW AND LOVE. I ACTUALLY DO KNOW AND LOVE IT.
- I DON'T KNOW IT...
- I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT IN 2 SEASONS.
I FUCKING LOVE THAT SHOW. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY, BECAUSE IT
REALLY IS GETTING THERE, BUT NOT QUITE. IT'S NOT JOKEY.
THERE'S STILL A SINCERITY, AND EARNESTNESS ABOUT THE CONTESTANTS.
SO THEY'RE DUMB?
THEY'RE CRAZY.
- YEAH.
- AND DUMB...
ONE GIRL BROUGHT, HER DOG. THE BACHELOR IS NAMED JUAN PABLO GALAVIS.
I THINK THAT'S HOW YOU SAY HIS LAST NAME.
ERIN: GALAVIS.
BRYAN: SOCCER STAR.
HE'S SPANISH RIGHT?
HUNKY BUNKY.
- HE IS HUNKY BUNKY.
- YEAH.
CHUNKY YET FUNKY.
- YEAH.
- NOT CHUNKY.
SOME IDIOT, AND GOD BLESS HIM, BECAUSE HE'S THE INNOCENT PARTY IN
THIS, NAMED SEAN...YOU KNOW HOW I LOVE TO VICTIM BLAME...
YOU DO A REALLY GOOD JOB.
SEAN DALY, AT A NEWS OUTLET CALLED THE DAILY...
OF THE DAILY PLANET?
- I WISH.
- YEAH.
AT A NEWS OUTLET CALLED THE TV PAGE. DID AN INTERVIEW WITH JUAN PABLO GALAVIS
WHATEVER HIS NAME IS. WHO WANTS TO KNOW MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THEM?
WHO WOULD EVER WANT TO INTERVIEW SOMEONE THAT ALREADY
HAS A TWO HOUR SHOW WHO IS AN IDIOT.
YEAH BUT IT'S PAGE CLICKS, YOU KNOW. IT'S JUST PAGE CLICKS.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, BECAUSE IN MY HEAD, I'M LIKE WHAT DO YOU HAVE
TO ASK HIM THAT WE WON'T FIND OUT IN 2 HOURS EVERY FUCKING WEEK ON ABC.
SO SEAN DALY ASKS JUAN PABLO WHAT HE WOULD THINK IF THE PRODUCERS
CREATED A GAY VERSION OF THE BACHELOR.
HE SAID, I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR KIDS TO WATCH
ON TV. THEN HE POINTED AT EITHER HIS MANAGER OR HIS
PR PERSON AND HE INTERVIEWED THIS GUY NAMED PETER
WHO IS GAY, POINTED AT HIM, AND SAID HE'S GAY, I RESPECT HIM
BUT I CAN'T FATHOM THAT BEING ON TV. IT WAS ONE OF THOSE
POINT AT SOMEBODY.
I HOPE HIS PR PERSON HAS ENOUGH DIGNITY TO GET THE FUCK OUT.
THEY NEVER FUCKING DO. I HOPE THEY DO. I HOPE THIS GUY WAS LIKE
A KA-BOOM. KA-BAM. ALAKAZAM. MAMACITA BONITA.
YEAH.
OKAY, SO HE WENT ON TO SAY, NOW THERE IS FATHERS HAVING
KIDS AND ALL THAT, AND IT'S HARD FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND
THAT TOO, IN A SENSE OF A HOUSEHOLD OF HAVING PEOPLE...
ONE, I DON'T CARE.
AND HE SAID, CONFUSING IN A SENSE, BUT I RESPECT THEM, BECAUSE
THEY WANT TO HAVE KIDS THEY WANT TO BE PARENTS, SO IT IS
A SCALE. WHERE DO YOU PUT IT ON A SCALE?
WHERE IS THE THIN LINE TO CROSS OR NOT?
THIS IS LIKE DAVID COPPERFIELD TALKING.
YEAH.
YOU HAVE TO RESPECT EVERYBODY'S DESIRES, AND WAY OF LIVING
BUT IT WOULD BE TOO HARD FOR TV.
AND THIS IS THE QUOTE, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED...
OF A GENERATION?
- OF THE CENTURY.
- OKAY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET ONE BETTER THAN THIS.
BRYAN: I DON'T KNOW IF I'M MISTAKEN OR NOT, BUT THEY'RE MORE
PERVERT IN A SENSE.
I THINK IT'S REALLY FUN, THAT A SOCCER PLAYER WHOSE PROBABLY HAD LIKE,
I DON'T KNOW, PUSSIES JUST STACKED ON HIS DICK...
JUST LIKE...
I ASSUME. YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN DO STACKS OF PANCAKES AT IHOP?
YEAH, I DO.
THAT'S JUST THE...PUSSY, PUSSY, PUSSY,...ON A DICK OF A SOCCER PLAYER.
BUT HERE'S THE WHAT I'M SAYING. SOMEONE WHO PROBABLY HAS DONE SOME
REALLY FUCKED UP THINGS WITH PEOPLE, I ASSUME, I'M MAKING ASSUMPTIONS...
YOU'RE MAKING A HUGE...
OH, ATHLETES IN GENERAL. SURE.
ATHLETES IN GENERAL, ESPECIALLY SOCCER PLAYERS.
CORRECT.
SO, THAT GUY IS LIKE, I DON'T LIKE 2 GUYS PUTTING DICKS IN
BUTT HOLES IN THE PRIVACY OF THEIR HOME.
RIGHT. THAT'S THE GUY.
THAT'S PERVERTED?
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH.
YOU'RE FINGERING GIRLS IN A SPA.
YEAH. (LAUGHS)
IF YOU HAVEN'T YET, IT WILL EVENTUALLY BE FEATURED ON THE BACHELOR.
ABSOLUTELY. YOU'RE BASICALLY...
ONE OF THE THINGS IN THE CONTRACT IS WILL YOU FINGER TWO STRANGERS
IN A SPA. YES OR NO, AND YOU HAVE TO CHECK YES, OR THEY'LL JUST
THROW IT RIGHT IN THE GARBAGE.
ABSOLUTELY. WHEN YOU REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT VALUES,
YOU'RE BEING PAID TO FIND LOVE. SO ABC OF COURSE IMMEDIATELY
SAID, AND AT LEAST THEY WERE QUICK ABOUT IT, BUT, THEY SAID JUAN PABLO'S
COMMENTS WERE CARELESS, THOUGHTLESS, AND INSENSITIVE, AND IN NO
WAY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF THE NETWORK, THE SHOW'S PRODUCERS, OR
STUDIO, BUT IT'S ON THE NETWORK. SO IT DOES REFLECT THE NETWORK.
SO HE RELEASED AN APOLOGY, THAT WENT LIKE THIS...
IT'S AN APOLOGY THOUGH ISN'T IT?
IT'S AN APOLOGY. PEOPLE...HE ADDRESSED IT PEOPLE.
PEOPLE.
PEOPLE, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO ALL THE PEOPLE I MAY HAVE
OFFENDED BECAUSE MY COMMENTS ON HAVING A GAY OR BI-SEXUAL BACHELOR.
HE ALSO WENT ON TO SAY THAT ENGLISH IS HIS 2ND LANGUAGE, AND
HE DIDN'T MEAN PERVERT, AND THIS IS A QUOTE, WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS
THAT GAY PEOPLE ARE MORE AFFECTIONATE, AND INTENSE, AND FOR (LAUGHS),
WHICH IS ALSO CRAZY. WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS THAT GAY
PEOPLE ARE MORE AFFECTIONATE, AND INTENSE, AND FOR A
SEGMENT OF THE TV AUDIENCE THIS WOULD BE TOO RACY TO EXCEPT.
THE SHOW IS VERY RACY...
C'MON THERE'S GIGALOS ON SHOWTIME. I'VE SEEN DUDES STRAIGHT UP
- BONE CHICKS.
- YEP.
ALL OF THOSE POLYGAMY SHOWS, ALL OF THE SHOWS THAT ARE RACY ON TV ARE
BETWEEN A STRAIGHT PERSON, AND ANOTHER STRAIGHT PERSON.
MM HMM...
IT'S NOT GAY PEOPLE DOING THIS STUFF.
AND BASICALLY...
BRYAN, I'VE SEEN A GROWN MAN WITH FULL TATTOOS ON HIS BODY
DRESSED UP AS A BEAR FUCKING A WOMAN.
SO WE'RE NOW BRAGGING? FINE.
NO, I'M JUST...
I'VE SEEN A WOMAN HAVE A MAN DRESSED UP AS A DOLPHIN, AND
PUT HIS SNOUT IN HER VAGINA.
OH REALLY?
AND SQUEAL.
WELL WHAT...
I HAVE SEEN THAT. AND I WAS SEVEN.
OH, WAS THAT AT SEA WORLD?
- YEAH.
- OH, OKAY.
- THAT'S HOW THEY DO SEA WORLD...
- DURING THE DOLPHIN SHOW
A WOMAN WAS PARACHUTING OVER, BECAUSE SHE WAS PARA-SAILING, OKAY, AND
SHE GOT DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO THE DOLPHIN SHOW. ALSO THAT WAS ANOTHER
THING. SHE WAS ONE OF THE OLDEST PARA-SAILING.
SHE WAS DOING A PUBLICITY STUNT?
YES.
- SHE WAS WEARING LIKE GRANDMA GLASSES.
- FOR OLD PEOPLE?
IT LOOKED LIKE THE MAN FROM SIX FLAGS. SHE HAD THE SAME SPUNK.
SHE WAS PARA-SAILING. THE DOLPHIN SHOT UP, OUT OF THE, YOU KNOW
DOING A TRICK. THE WOMAN WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING A SPLIT.
THE DOLPHIN'S NOSE WENT STRAIGHT UP IN HER, AND THEN CAME BACK DOWN...
- THAT DID NOT HAPPEN.
IT DID.
THAT WOMAN DIED...
SHE DIDN'T DIE.
SHE DIED SEPARATELY...
OH LATER...
BECAUSE APPARENTLY SHE GOT TANGLED. SHE WAS DANGLED ON HER NECK
AND SHE COULDN'T CATCH IT FOR 10 DAYS.
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING? SHE WAS DEAD IN A HAND GLIDER,
AND THEN IT JUST WENT ON GLIDING?
YEAH, BECAUSE THE GUY THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE, WELL, NOW WE NEED TO SHOW
EVERYONE WHAT DOLPHINS CAN REALLY DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS, YOU KNOW THAT POEM FOOTSTEPS?
YES.
WHEN YOU DON'T SEE FOOTSTEPS, NEXT TO YOU IT MEANS I'M JESUS
AND I'M CARRYING YOU.
YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS WOMAN.
OH.
SHE WASN'T HANG GLIDING, JESUS WAS.
OH.
YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME A FRESH PERSPECTIVE.
YEAH, WELL YOU'RE WELCOME.
SO, DON'T WATCH THE BACHELOR.
BRYAN, YOU JUST PREVIOUSLY DISCUSSED EARLIER IN THIS PODCAST
A STRAIGHT GUY WHO SOUNDED LIKE PRETTY AWFUL.
YES.
WELL, I JUST WANTED TO COUNTER THAT WITH MY 'SSUE, ABOUT A GUY WHO IS
I'D SAY, THE BEST GUY ON THE PLANET.
OH, GREAT.
AND IT'S NOT CAPTAIN PLANET.
VERY RELIEVED. BIG RELIEF.
YEAH. THIS IS GOING TO BE A HUGE RELIEF.
THERE IS THIS SENATOR, HIS NAME IS RICHARD DICK BLACK.
THIS IS HIS GOD GIVEN BIRTH NAME.
DICK HAS BEEN TIRELESSLY WOOING WOMAN WITH HIS POLITICAL,
JENESEQUA.
YEAH.
YEAH. FOR OVER 20 YEARS. HE IS A RETIRED MILITARY PROSECUTOR.
AND IF YOU'RE A LADY YOU WANT TO HAVE THIS GUY ON YOUR SIDE IF
YOU'RE EVER RAPED IN THE MILITARY.
OKAY.
BECAUSE HE SAID THAT, UM, HE CALLED MILITARY RAPE, QUOTE AS
PREDICTABLE AS HUMAN NATURE. AND THEN HE SAID, THINK OF
YOURSELF AT 25. WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO HAVE A GROUP OF 19-YEAR-OLD
GIRLS UNDER YOUR CONTROL DAY IN, DAY OUT?
WHAT I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO IS PUT THIS GUY IN A BOX OF
SOMEONE WHO IS NOT SUPPORTIVE...
OH NOT EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
SUPPORTIVE OF RAPE...
I THINK IT'S FANTASTIC. NEVER HAPPEN.
HERE'S WHAT'S KIND OF LIKE BEEN PLASTERED ALL OVER
THE INTERNET IN THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS.
OKAY, THERE WAS A VIRGINIA HOUSE BILL, 488, THAT
WAS A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PREVENTION ACT, IT WAS IN 2002,
WHICH JUST KIND OF CAME TO LIGHT, DURING A DEBATE
OVER AN AMENDMENT IN THE BILL THAT WOULD HAVE
LIMITED THE SITUATIONS IN WHICH YOU COULD PROSECUTE
MARITAL RAPIST...SO BASICALLY THE THING WAS THEY WERE
DISCUSSING THIS CLAUSE WHICH READ LIKE THIS,
NO PERSON SHOULD BE FOUND GUILTY UNDER THIS SUBSECTION, UNLESS
AT THE TIME OF THE ALLEGED OFFENSE THE SPOUSES WERE LIVING SEPARATE
AND APART...SO YOU CAN ONLY BE CONVICTED OF MARITAL RAPE IF YOU
WEREN'T LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE OR THE DEFENDANT CAUSED BODILY
INJURY TO THE SPOUSE WITH THE USE OF FORCE OR VIOLENCE.
SO RAPE. SO HE'S ARGUING THE POINT OF THIS, THE POINT OF THIS
WHOLE CAUSE, AND HE SAYS THIS, THIS GUY JUST FUCKING, LIKE WHAT
VANILLA POUNDCAKE COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YEAH, HE NEEDS LIKE AN ICE BATH.
YEAH. HE SAID, I DON'T KNOW HOW ON EARTH, YOU COULD VALIDLY GET
A CONVICTION IN A HUSBAND, WIFE RAPE, WHEN THEY'RE LIVING
TOGETHER, SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED...
- OH MY GOD...
- SHE'S IN A NIGHTIE AND SO FORTH.
THERE IS NO INJURY. THERE'S NO SEPARATION, OR ANYTHING.
SO...
I CAN'T...
BY THE WAY HIS CONCERN NUMBER ONE, FIRST, AND FOREMOST, AND
YOU KNOW THIS IF YOU ARE A LAW AND ORDER FAN IS CONVICTION.
THE VICTIM, WHATEVER RIGHT, WE GOTTA THINK ABOUT THE LAW. WE GOTTA
THINK ABOUT WINNING, WE GOTTA HAVE A NANCY GRACE ATTITUDE.
- MM HMM...
- WHO'S GOING TO JAIL.
IF IT'S NOT A CONVICTION...
RIGHT...
I WASH MY HANDS OF IT.
- YEAH.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- SURE.
- HE'S THINKING LIKE A LAWYER.
HE'S THINKING LIKE A SHARK.
A SHARK. A LAWYER, WHO LOVES TO WIN.
HE'S THINKING LIKE A TRUE SOCIOPATH.
YEAH, EXACTLY.
SO DICK BLACK HAS A HUGE CONSERVATIVE GRASS ROOTS SUPPORT.
IF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY NOMINATES HIM, VIA CONVENTION INSTEAD
OF A PRIMARY HE HAS A STRONG CHANCE OF GETTING THE
GOP NOMINATION.
TERRIBLE.
SO, IT ALL GOES DOWN JANUARY 23. CHECK YOUR LISTINGS. PAY-PER-VIEW.
LET'S HOPE HE GETS THE NOMINATION JUST SO HE CAN WASTE ALL
OF HIS MONEY, LOSE, AND THEN BE PENNILESS.
AND WHAT STATE IS THIS AGAIN?
VIRGINIA.
RIGHT.
VIRGINIA IS LIKE, SOME OF THE MOST INCREDIBLE POLITICIANS IN THE WORLD.
SOME OF THE GREATEST THINKERS LIVE IN VIRGINIA.
NAME SOME.
IT'S THE O.G. STATE.
- IT'S THE QUEEN B...
- THE ONLY PERSON THAT I KNOW FROM
VIRGINIA IS THE WOMAN WHO'S MARRIED TO BEN AFFLECK. JENNIFER GARNER.
OH, OKAY.
WELL SHE'S FROM WEST VIRGINIA.
THAT SAYS IT ALL.
ONE OF THE VIRGINIAS.
OH, OKAY.
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
VIRGINIA IS WHERE THEY HAVE HORSES AND GRASS?
THAT'S THE PLACE. THAT'S THE PLACE.
WELL I DON'T WANT THAT GUY RUINING ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
NO, I DON'T BLAME YOU.
POOR HORSES.
YEAH.
YEAH...OKAY.
UH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
DON'T GET UPSET BY IT.
OKAY.
YOU'RE DOING HEATHER GRAHAM IN FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC.
- I HAVEN'T SEEN IT...
- YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT, BUT
YOU'VE GOT THE IMPRESSION NAILED.

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