CAST: CHLOE BENNET SHAILENE WOODLEY KENDRICK SAMPSON CARA DELEVINGNE HAYDEN SZETO GRACE PARRA DULE HILL MATT MCGORRY RAMY YOUSSEF CONSTANCE WU ADAM RODRIGUEZ MILANA VAYNTRAUB MEHCAD BROOKS JAMIE CHUNG SUSAN SARANDON AMBER HEARD LIZZY CAPLAN Director - Ian Pfaff Editor - Ian Pfaff Writer - Nate Dern & Zack Poitras Director of Photography - Matt Sweeney Producer - Brad Jenkins Producer - Pantera Sara Producer - Sean Boyle Producer - Kate Lilly Post Producer - Alex Parks Graphics - Shawn James Graphics - Claudio De Laurentiis 1st AC - Krueger 2nd AC - Ryan Bender Gaffer - Edward Scully HMU - Brenna Haukedahl HMU - Erin Blinn
There's sure been a lot
of hullabaloo going on
with President Trump's
last executive order.
Where he banned non-citizens
from 7 predominantly Muslim countries...
from entering the United States.
And a lot of people,
including me had questions, like...
'Why is Trump Doing this?'
'Is this even constitutional?'
'What In the [bleep]? '
Well, we finally have an
answer why Trump is doing this.
Historians confirmed the
existence of another constitution.
And it's called the
We only know of two copies,
one of which an archeologist found
cradled in the mouth of a large golden snake-pig
deity hidden in a deep underground cave.
And Trump was accidentally given
the only other copy when he was a teen.
He's working from the wrong constitution,
and he doesn't even know it.
Here for example is
the normal Constitution.
"Congress shall make no law respecting
an establishment of religion."
However, Trump's Alt-Constitution
goes further than that, adding...
"...but if a handsome brave,
makes an executive order that
favors one religion over another,
he shall only experience pure ecstasy."
Of course Trump felt justified
banning green card holders,
his Constitution says...
"They with cards of green
should be kept away by any means,
by wall, by force, or with magic beans."
It looks like many have tried to
destroy the Alternative Constitution,
but it has some sort of
dark magic protecting it.
However, even the Alternative Constitution
doesn't explain all of Trump's actions.
As it turns out, Trump has also been looking
at the wrong Statue of Liberty.
France sent us the
one on Liberty Island,
but apparently Russia sent an
identical one a few years later.
It's much smaller, in Queens, where Trump
walked by it all the time growing up.
This other Statue's plaque
reads a little different, too.
It says, "Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses
yearning to breath free...
so that we may lock them
in tiny rooms for days
only to send them back where
we think they came from.
Fear outsiders. Fear outsiders.
Fear outsiders. Fear outsiders.
[stammers] It just kind of keeps
repeating that fear outsiders part.
He really has been living
in a world a little off from ours.
A world that's a little
meaner, a lot dumber...
and a whole lot less thought through.
Finally all makes sense. Right?
He's not making these
moves because he's an idiot.
He's making these moves because
he's lookin' at all the wrong stuff.
Poor little guy.
So please, if anyone's watching
who might be near President Trump,
swap out his cursed constitution
for a real one, as soon as you can.
It's truly for his own good.
If he doesn't, he's bound to keep
making embarrassing mistakes
like he did this weekend.
Mr. Trump, if you are watching, which you
may be doing because you... don't read,
and you have a true knack for finding
examples of people criticizing you...
we are very sorry.
Your Constitution is just
not the one that we use.
There are more copies
of the real one.
So that's the one we're going with.
Help us help Trump by getting
him the real copies of the Constitution.
- The Statue of Liberty.
- Declaration of Independence.
- DC Transit Turnstyle Numbers.
The Gettysburg Address.
Seasons 1-7 of the The West Wing.
And the McDonald's nutrition
facts that we are all familiar with.
It'll help get him on the
same page as all of us.
Because we are [bleep] if we don't.