A heartfelt exploration of the life of a small business owner.
Published January 10, 2012 1.2m views Immortal More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Starring: Lance Reddick
Featured - Drew Brooks, Jon Mackey, Marshall Givens, Wendy McColm, Lauren Smitelli, and Mitchell Huntley
Writer/Director - Chad Kultgen
DP-Mike Manasewitsch
Producer - Alex Richanbach
Sound - BoTown Sound
Wardrobe - Aubrey Binzer
Makeup - Kat Bardot
PA - Ross Buran
Special Thanks: Dave Levy, Big Kid Collectable Toy Mall and Retro Store
9,543 Funny Votes
1,741 Die Votes
1,210,084 Views
Published: January 10, 2012

Lance Reddick: Congratulations. It's time
to go call mom and dad.
Lance Reddick: Tell them that the 2nd
mortgage that they took
Lance Reddick: out for your degree was
worth it, because you now
Lance Reddick: have a job. But a job
is not a career.
Lance Reddick: N-no, a job is just a
foot in the door.
Lance Reddick: If you want a career, if you
want to be standing where
Lance Reddick: I'm standing 15 years from
now, then you had better
Lance Reddick: listen very fucking
carefully to the next 176
Lance Reddick: words out of my mouth,
because, this is your
Lance Reddick: new reality.
Lance Reddick: When you walk through that
door, each and every
Lance Reddick: morning, your
ass is mine.
Lance Reddick: There will be
no cell phones.
Lance Reddick: There will be no smoke
breaks. There will be
Lance Reddick: no conversation, and putting
into the job.
Lance Reddick: There will be no mother
fucking shits taken unless
Lance Reddick: authorized by me personally,
and if you
Lance Reddick: happen to be lucky enough
to get that authorization,
Lance Reddick: you'll have exactly 4 minutes,
and 30 seconds
Lance Reddick: to expel your fecal
material, wipe your ass,
Lance Reddick: and wash your filthy hands,
and get back to work.
Lance Reddick: And if I happen to come
across a shit smear on
Lance Reddick: the toilet bowl of that
employee restroom,
Lance Reddick: I will personally go to
each and every one of
Lance Reddick: your homes, and shit in
places that will leave
Lance Reddick: you confused for the
rest of your lives.
Lance Reddick: Excellence.
Lance Reddick: I expect it, I demand it,
and I deliver it,
Lance Reddick: and there's really only
one thing you need to know.
Lance Reddick: This ain't Toys"R"Us
mother fuckers.
Lance Reddick: This is Toys R Me.
[music]
Lance Reddick: What the fuck is this?
Drew Brooks: Ah, it's the Bakugan display
you wanted me to set up.
[store music]
Lance Reddick: Imagine if you can that
you are a proud and
Lance Reddick: powerful Gulganoid.
Can you do that?
Drew Brooks: Uh, I don't know.
I don't think so.
Lance Reddick: Imagine it.
Drew Brooks: Okay.
Lance Reddick: Good. Now, you tell me,
would a Gulganoid call
Lance Reddick: this a Bakugan
display?
Lance Reddick: Or, would a Gulganoid
call this a bitter
Lance Reddick: insult to his race not
worth shitting on for
Lance Reddick: all the savory dream
crystals in the Lavender
Lance Reddick: Cloud Dimension.
Lance Reddick: Know the goddam toys, and show
them some fucking respect.
[store music]
Lance Reddick: You have exactly 15
seconds to finish whatever
Lance Reddick: the hell it is you're doing
in there or I will kick in this
Lance Reddick: fucking door, and drag your
ass out. Do you hear me?
Lauren Smitelli: Can you chill out?
I'm on my period.
[sniffs]
Lance Reddick: No, you're not.
[store music]
Mitchell Huntley: This toy store sucks.
Mitchell Huntley: There's not even
any Xbox games.
Lance Reddick: Have you ever heard the
story of the rich old
Lance Reddick: man, and the stray dog?
Mitchell Huntley: No. Sounds crappy.
Lance Reddick: Well, there was once a
very old man, and one day
Lance Reddick: he came across a stray dog.
Well, he decided to
Lance Reddick: take that dog home with
him, and that dog went
Lance Reddick: straight to the fire, and
rolled himself up in an old rug,
Lance Reddick: and started chewing
an old bone.
Lance Reddick: Over the years the man brought
the dog lots of expensive
Lance Reddick: beds, lots of expensive
meals, much better than
Lance Reddick: most people get to eat, but
that dog always went back
Lance Reddick: to the old rug, and that old
bone, because he knew
Lance Reddick: that was all he
really needed.
Lance Reddick: Now, who do you think
you are in this story?
Mitchell Huntley: Let me guess, the rich
old man who didn't know
Mitchell Huntley: that happiness comes from
the simplest things in life.
Lance Reddick: No. You are the runny shit
that the dog would take
Lance Reddick: every morning, because he
had canine colitis
Lance Reddick: from living on the
streets so long.
Lance Reddick: Now get the fuck
out of my store.
[store music]
Lance Reddick: You know I've noticed
your work around here.
Wendy McColm: Really?
Lance Reddick: Yes. Very impressive.
Wendy McColm: Wow, thank you.
Lance Reddick: No. If you keep this up,
you could find yourself
Lance Reddick: riding high on the
hog in no time.
Wendy McColm: A raise?
Really?
Lance Reddick: No.
Lance Reddick: No, a hog is what
I call my penis.
[store music]
Lance Reddick: [background voice] Put up me!
Lance Reddick: [background voice] Put up me!
Lance Reddick: Toys
Lance Reddick: R
Lance Reddick: Me.

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