Good Cop, Baby Cop

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A door is shown with the words “Interrogation Room” written on the door window. Inside the room Will Ferrell is shown sitting in a chair. He has some bling hanging off his belt that says ANGER. Adam McKay and Chris Henchy are police officers interrogating Will Ferrell.

Adam McKay: Angel, I feel like we’re becoming friends. I think like there’s a legitimate connection between us and I’m not just saying that because I want you to sign the confession. We all mess up.

The image cuts to black and the title “Good Cop, Baby Cop” is displayed. The image cuts back to Will Ferrell.

Adam McKay: Like, I remember one time in high school I tried to shotgun a beer to be cool and I did it and then I threw up. And like the coolest girl at school was there and I was like ahhhh.

Chris Henchy: God, I used to make crank phone calls. I got in a lot of trouble for it. I made mistakes, though. But I confessed. I told my parents, I did the phone calls.

Adam McKay: Now, you shot three people in the head, execution style. Sign the confession and let’s turn this into a funny story we laugh about later. Like, remember the time Angel shot three guys. Ha ha ha.

Chris Henchy: You’re cool, man.

Adam McKay: We should go to a Dodgers game sometime.

Will Ferrell writes on the back of the confession and holds it up. It read Fuck Off and is underlined.

Adam McKay: Do you realize that’s hurtful to me.

Will Ferrell: Shut the fuck up and get out of here.

Adam McKay: I tried to do this the nice way, right? Now we do this the hard way. Get the lieutenant.

Chris Henchy: You just lost the only friend you had.

Chris Henchy leaves the room.

Will Ferrell gives the Chris Henchy the middle finger.

Adam McKay: Do you know what they call her? The confession machine. This stuff’s about to get real ugly. All I can tell you is that in three hours you will sign that confession. Good luck.

Adam McKay goes to the door and opens it. You hear a little girl speak.

Pearl McKay: Hi punk.

You see a small girl in a pink dress.

Pearl McKay: Welcome to my nightmare.

Will Ferrell: Hey look, I don’t know what those two bozo’s told you, but I’m not signing the confession.

Pearl McKay: This is gonna be fun.

Will Ferrell: I’m not afraid of nobody.

Pearl McKay: I’m gonna mess you up punk.

Will Ferrell: Look, I’m not signing the confession, okay?

Pearl McKay: I break bones and laugh.

Will Ferrell: Hey you’re a cop. You can’t do anything to me.

Pearl McKay: Sign the confession!

Will Ferrell: I’m not signing anything.

Pearl McKay: I’m losing…my patience!

The image goes to black and white and the words SECURITY CAM 1 are seen in the bottom right hand corner.

Will Ferrell: I didn’t do it, okay?

The image returns to color.

Pearl McKay: I want my confession!

Will Ferrell pulls back in fear.

Will Ferrell: Jesus.

Pearl McKay places a badge on the table.

Will Ferrell: You put that badge back on.

Pearl McKay: Now…it’s just you and me.

Will Ferrell: Hey, I want a lawyer.

Pearl McKay puts on a pair of oversized sunglasses.

Pearl McKay: I am the law!

Adam McKay: Sorry, man, there’s nothing I can do for you. You brought this on yourself.

Pearl McKay: I’m gonna bite your nose off.

Adam McKay: She’s what we call a “loose cannon.” We don’t control her.

Will Ferrell: Don’t look at me like that.

Pearl McKay: I get off on this.

Will Ferrell: Come on, lady. I didn’t do nothin.

Pearl McKay: You’re going done esé.

Will Ferrell: God you’re frightening.

Image goes back to the security cam 1 black and white view.

Pearl McKay: I gotta call someone…

Will Ferrell: What’re you doin?

Image returns to color.

Will Ferrell: Who you gotta call?

Pearl McKay picks up a phone and holds it to her ear.

Pearl McKay: I’m calling…911. Oh wait…I’m a cop. Hi hell.

Will Ferrell: No.

Pearl McKay: I’ve got someone coming to you…

Will Ferrell: I don’t wanna go to hell.

Will Ferrell is hit in the face repeatedly by the phone receiver.

Pearl McKay: Sign that confession!

Will Ferrell: But, I still didn’t do anything.

Pearl McKay: Game on holmes.

Will Ferrell: Jesus.

Pearl McKay: It’s gonna get ugly.

Will Ferrell: You are loco!

Pearl McKay: Look what I found.

Pearl McKay places a phone book on the table.

Will Ferrell: What are you doin?

Pearl McKay is shown approaching Will Ferrell with the phone book in her hands.

Pearl McKay: I’m gonna knock your teeth out.

Will Ferrell: Stay over there.

Will Ferrell is hit in the face repeatedly with the phone book, slapped repeatedly in the face, and hit with the phone book again several times. He holds his hand up to his nose which is bleeding.

Will Ferrell: You broke my Goddamn nose.

Adam McKay: Oh, what do you know? My glasses fell off. I’m blind. (Removes glasses.)

Will Ferrell: You’re breaking me down. (In tears) Fine! I did it! I did it! I killed all three of them!

Adam McKay: Well, well, well. What do you know? Now we can talk.

Will Ferrell: Are you happy!

Pearl McKay: You’re gonna sign it.

Will Ferrell: I’ll sign anything you want me to just get her away from me.

Will Ferrell looks at Pearl McKay.

Will Ferrell: I don’t know who blackened your soul a long time ago, but may God have mercy on it.

Will Ferrell picks up the pen to sign the confession.

Pearl McKay: There you go. That was so hard.

Blood is shown on the confession where Will Ferrell signs it.

Pearl McKay: My work is done.

Adam McKay: Good work Lieutenant. I’ll see you. We getting Chinese food tonight?

Pearl McKay: Yeah.

The image goes back to the black and white security cam 1 view.

Adam McKay: If there had been a lawyer here, we would have all gone to jail.

The screen cuts to black. Somber piano music plays and white text appears. It read: This has been Pearl’s farewell performance. We hope you enjoy baby retirement.

This is followed by a short montage of images of Pearl McKay.