Handjob, Bland Job, I Don't Understand Job

Male Voiceover: Exclusive.
[music]
Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci: ♪ Handjob, bland job, I don’t
understand job. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ I got a problem and I can’t
contain it, ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ I’ll use my icky, sticky
rhymes to help me explain it. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ Handy Js are like
Stonehenge to me, ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ Robert Stack can’t even
unsolve this mystery. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ I’m the messed up child of
a baby boomer. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ I was in the gifted class
but a total late bloomer. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ Now I got a secret to get
off my chest. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ Went from kissing to sex,
but never learned the rest. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ In high school I was in the
marching band, not learning ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ what to do with my hand.
While other girls were ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ dripping like a Jackson
Pollack, I blossomed later
than Mayim Bialik. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ I’m investigating bones
like Deschanel. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ Trying to make it stand up
like Dave Chappelle. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ When I stare the down the
barrel of a semi-hard dick, ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ I feel more singled out
than Chris Hardwick. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ I studies Bach, Sasha Rock,
and Isaac Asimov, but I ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ wasn’t on the C bus jerking
people off. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ Wouldn’t let you touch my
chest like your vapo-
rubbing vixen, ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ let alone deep throat your
tricky Dick Nixon. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ I wanna learn how to make
your Watergates flow. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ I’m resigned like Spiro
Agnew that I might never know, ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ how to HJ your L.B Johnson.
Know less about dicks
than Samantha Ronson. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ I should have explored new
frontiers like Will Wheaton, ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ but I was more conservative
than Alex P. Keaton. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ I’ve fallen into crisis
just like the Dow. ♪
Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome: ♪ I want to give a handjob,
but I don’t know how. ♪
Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome: ♪ Handjob, bland job, I don’t
understand job. ♪
Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome: ♪ Do I spit? Do I squeeze?
Do I ever touch the top? ♪
Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome: ♪ How can I learn when you
always make me stop? ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ Now I’m on a full blown
investigation to unlock the
secrets of ejaculation. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ I need a translator like
I’m reading Balzac to crack ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ the Rosetta Stone over your
ball sack. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ The top is the part that
confuses me the most. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ It looks like a silly
putty Pacman ghost. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ Sometimes it’s jello
giggling, sometimes it’s denser, ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ but they all look like a
Darth Vader Pez dispenser. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ Like Sam Jackson, I’m not
so good with shaft, ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ when it’s soft and flabby
like President Taft. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ It’s like a deep South
queen that you want to make straight. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ Will I make it upright if I
move it like a shake-weight. ♪
Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome: ♪ Move it like a
shake-weight. ♪
Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome: ♪ Move it like a
shake-weight. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ Now I’m pumping like brakes
that aren’t anti-lock, ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ trying not to go psycho on
your Alfred Hitchcock. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ I go a little faster and
then I retard, it’s like a ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ hamster that you don’t want
to squeeze too hard. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ I’m working my hand 'til it
gets arthritis. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ I’ll be holding 'til I get
the golden touch of Midas. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ I think, therefore I am,
getting my Descartes on, ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ 'til I fully comprehend
your Marcia Gay hard-on. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ But the biggest throbbing
question of all, ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ is seriously what do you do
with the balls. ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ Do I roll them like dice?
Do I mold them like clay? ♪
Riki Lindhome: ♪ Do I tickle them like Elmo
or do I throw them like a part-ay? ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ Do I move them all around
or do I cup it slow? ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ They’re like the two old
critics from the Muppet Show, ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ just sitting there cranky
and superfluous. ♪
Kate Micucci: ♪ How bout I don’t touch them
unless you insist? ♪
Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci: ♪ Handjob, bland job,
I don’t understand job. ♪
Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci: ♪ Do I spit? Do I squeeze?
Do I ever touch the top? ♪
Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci: ♪ How can I learn when you
always make me stop? ♪
[music]
Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome: ♪ How can I learn when you
always make me stop? ♪