Handjob, Bland Job, I Don't Understand Job

Original Song & Lyrics

Riki Lindhome

Original Song & Lyrics

Kate Micucci

Director

Eric Appel

Cinematographer

christiansprenger

Sound

BoTown Sound

Uploader

Funny Or Die

Producer

Ally Hord

Series

FODfm

Additional Credits [+]

Old embed code (only works with browsers that support Adobe Flash)

WEBVTT 00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:21.000 <v Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci> Handjob, bland job, I don’t understand job. 00:00:23.000 --> 00:00:31.000 <v Riki Lindhome> I got a problem and I can’t contain it, I’ll use my icky, sticky rhymes to help me explain it. Handy Js are like Stonehenge to me, Robert Stack can’t even unsolve this mystery. 00:00:31.000 --> 00:00:39.000 <v Kate Micucci> I’m the messed up child of a baby boomer. I was in the gifted class but a total late bloomer. Now I got a secret to get off my chest. Went from kissing to sex, but never learned the rest. 00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:48.000 <v Riki Lindhome> In high school I was in the marching band, not learning what to do with my hand. While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollack, I blossomed later than Mayim Bialik. 00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:56.000 <v Kate Micucci> I’m investigating bones like Deschanel. Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chappelle. When I stare the down the barrel of a semi-hard dick, I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick. 00:00:57.000 --> 00:01:06.000 <v Riki Lindhome> I studies Bach, Sasha Rock, and Isaac Asimov, but I wasn’t on the C bus jerking people off. Wouldn’t let you touch my chest like your vapo-rubbing vixen, let alone deepthroat your tricky Dick Nixon. 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:14.000 <v Kate Micucci> I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow. I’m resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know, how to HJ your L.B Johnson. Know less about dicks Samantha Ronson. 00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:20.000 <v Riki Lindhome> I should have explored new frontiers like Will Wheaton, but I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton. I’ve fallen into crisis just like the Dow. 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:23.000 <v Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome> I want to give a handjob, but I don’t know how. 00:01:25.000 --> 00:01:34.000 <v Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome> Handjob, bland job, I don’t understand job. Do I spit? Do I squeeze? Do I ever touch the top? How can I learn when you always make me stop? 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:50.000 <v Kate Micucci> Now I’m on a full blown investigation to unlock the secrets of ejaculation. I need a translator like I’m reading Balzac to crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack. 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:59.000 <v Riki Lindhome> The top is the part that confuses me the most. It looks like a silly putty Pacman ghost. Sometimes it’s jello giggling, sometimes it’s denser, but they all look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser. 00:01:59.000 --> 00:02:07.000 <v Kate Micucci> Like Sam Jackson, I’m not so good with shaft, when it’s soft and flabby like President Taft. It’s like a deep South queen that you want to make straight. Will I make it upright if I move it like a shake-weight. 00:02:08.000 --> 00:02:10.000 <v Kate Micucci and Riki LIndhome> Move it like a shake-weight. Move it like a shake-weight. 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:20.000 <v Riki Lindhome> Now I’m pumping like brakes that aren’t anti-lock, trying not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock. I go a little faster and then I retard, it’s like a hamster that you don’t want to squeeze too hard. 00:02:21.000 --> 00:02:29.000 <v Kate Micucci> I’m working my hand til it gets arthritis. I’ll be holding til I get the golden touch of Midas. I think, therefore I am, getting my Descartes on, til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay hard-on. 00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:38.000 <v Riki Lindhome> But the biggest throbbing question of all, is seriously what do you do with the balls. Do I roll them like dice? Do I mold them like clay? Do I tickle them like Elmo or do I throw them like a part-ay? 00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:48.000 <v Kate Micucci> Do I move them all around or do I cup it slow? They’re like the two old critics from the Muppet Show, just sitting there cranky and superfluous. How bout I don’t touch them unless you insist? 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:53.000 <v Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci> Handjob, bland job, I don’t understand job. 00:02:55.000 --> 00:03:00.000 <v Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci> Do I spit? Do I squeeze? Do I ever touch the top? How can I learn when you always make me stop? 00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:17.000 <v Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome> How can I learn when you always make me stop?