David Mamet's "Lost Masterpieces of Pornography" w/ Kristen Bell, Ed O'Neill & Ricky Jay

Writer & Director

David Mamet

Cinematographer

Robert Elswit

Actor

Kristen Bell

Actor

Ed O Neill

Actor

Ricky Jay

Editor

Brad Schulz

Producer

Chrisann Verges

Costume Designer

Debra McGuire

Executive Producer

Funny Or Die

Actor

Bob Jennings

Actor

Jack Wallace

Make Up Artist

Shauna O'Toole

Producer

Christin Trogan

Additional Credits [+]

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The video opens with a black & white, still image of a women bent
over a car, exposing her panties. Next to the still image is the
following text: Lost Masterpieces of Pornography. The shot cuts to Ricky
Jay sitting on stool.



Ricky Jay: Welcome to Lost Masterpieces of Pornography. These films,
discovered in the woodworking shop of a Beverly Hills dentist,
constitute a treasure trove, not only of cinematic history, but a living
document of the mores and morals of a time gone by. Grainy and sometime
out of focus, yes, as they were shot hurriedly and on the cheap by
performers and technicians in fear of discovery. They are, nonetheless, a
window into a forgotten world. Here, from 1938, June Crenshaw, Sex
Kitten to the Supreme Court.



The shot fades to black and the following text appears: Made possible by
the generous support of the I.J. And E.J. Goldfarb Family Fund for the
Preservation of Pornography. The shot fades to black and the following
text appears: Restoration by the Svensken Pornogaphiescheverlaget, Oslo,
Sweden. The shot fades to black again and then a brief countdown
begins. The following text appears: JUNE CRENSHAW SEX KITTEN TO THE
SUPREME COURT. The shot cuts to Ed O'Neill, in a judges robes, walking
down a hall. Jack Wallace catches up with Ed O'Neill in the hallway.



Jack Wallace: Mr. Chief Justice. Mr. Chief Justice. I just don't know.
President Roosevelt is considering increasing the number of us judges
from 9 to 27 and something about it just don't feel right.



Ed O'Neill: I agree, Jim.



Jack Wallace: And I believe that we should all sit down and have a meeting about it.



Ed O'Neill: I think so, too.



Ed O'Neill and Jack Wallace walk up to a door labeled: SUPREME COURT ROBING ROOM.



Ed O'Neill: But I gotta get out of these work clothes and into something more comfortable.



Jack Wallace: The heat, in summer, here in Washington D.C., is truly oppressive.



The shot cuts inside the robing room where Kristen Bell can be seen with
her legs up on a table, trying to cool off with a fan. Her skirt is
pulled up to reveal stockings and black panties.



Ed O'Neill (outside the room): We'll have that meeting, later, but we
still need to look into the constitutionality of the Tennessee Valley
Accord.



Jack Wallace (outside the room): Of course, sir, and I'll compile the appropriate documents.



The shot cuts back to the hallway.



Ed O'Neill: Good. Good, Jim, and would you do me a favor? Would you run
over to the National Library and see if they got anything on the
national recovery. That thing.



Jack Wallace: Uh huh. Alright.



Ed O'Neill: Good.



Ed O'Neill enters the robing room.



Kristen Bell: Oh, I'm sorry sir. I was just...



Kristen Bell stands up.



Kristen Bell: It seems I have a run in my stocking.



Kristen Bell puts her leg up on a chair and hikes up her skirt.



Ed O'Neill: Miss Crenshaw, how do you function in this oppressive heat.



Kristen Bell: Well, sir, as you know, Washington D.C. is built on a swamp.



Ed O'Neill takes off his judges robe, leaving him only in a boxer shorts and an A-shirt.



Ed O'Neill: Yes, from land reclaimed by the Potomac River. Oh, you'll
have to beg my pardon Miss Crenshaw. I have disrobed unthinkingly beyond
the bounds of decency.



Kristen Bell: Well, Mr. Chief Justice, I'm out of uniform too.



Kristen Bell is buttoning up the front of her dress and a button pops off.

Kristen Bell: Oh no!

Ed O'Neill: What seems to be the matter?



Kristen Bell: I popped a button off my blouse.



Ed O'Neill: May I be of some help.



Kristen Bell gets down on her hands and knees and starts to crawl underneath a table to look for the button.



Kristen Bell: Oh no, sir. You have more important things on your mind than getting underneath a table.



Kristen Bell's foot catches on the fan cord and the fan falls on the
floor behind her. The fan (with some obvious assistance from Kristen
Bell) blows her dress up, revealing her panties. While under the table,
she discovers a document.



Kristen Bell: Sir, look. Look.



Ed O'Neill: What is it? What is it?



Kristen Bell: There's a note under the desk from 1857.



Ed O'Neill: That may be the lost draft of the Dred Scott decision.



Kristen Bell: It is the Dred Scott decision.



Ed O'Neill: Can you read it to me?



Kristen Bell: I need better light.



Kristen Bell climbs out from beneath the table and her dress catches,
pulling it off completely. She is left standing there in her bra and
panties.



Kristen Bell: I seem to have snagged my dress on a nail.



Ed O'Neill: The light's better on the couch.



The shot cuts the hallway outside the robing room. Jack Wallace and Bob Jennings are standing outside.



Jack Wallace: I doubt that President Roosevelt has the power under the
Commerce Clothes...Clause...I said clothes...to sell battleships to
Britain.



Bob Jennings: But we need to wait for the right case to come before us so we can render a decision.



Jack Wallace: I'll ask the chief justice first.



Jack Wallace and Bob Jennings enter the robing room to find Ed O'Neill and Kristen Bell sitting on the couch.

Jack Wallace: What's going on there? What's going on?



Kristen Bell: I lost the rest of my clothing on a nail and we found a document relating to the Dred Scott decision.



Jack Wallace: But I was supposed to be in a luncheon with the Secretary of Agriculture. But this is much more important.



Kristen Bell: My heart is beating so fast, I need to unloosen this restrictive clothing.



Kristen Bell reaches around and begins fiddling with her bra.



Bob Jennings: I need to take my clothes off too.



Bob Jennings unzips his robe. There is an extended pause while Kristen
Bell continues to fiddle with her bra. The shot cuts to a picture of
Abraham Lincoln. The shot cuts back to Kristen Bell still fiddling with
her bra. The fiddling continues on for some time. Ed O'Neill stand up
and walks off-camera. The shot cuts to Kristen Bell berating Ed O'Neill.




Kristen Bell: That dick of yours that you're so proud of, my Japanese
houseboy has a bigger dick than that and he's malnourished.



The “film” ends and the shot cuts back to Ricky Jay.



Ricky Jay: A fragment, yes, but a fragment of a gem. And we hope you'll
be back with us next time on Lost Masterpieces of Pornography. This is
Ricky Jay.