Aziz Ansari Standup - Texting with Girls (Dangerously Delicious Preview)
Part three of a documentary series profiling Randy (Aziz Ansari), a rising standup comic featured in the new film Funny People. Spend more time with Randy at www.laughyourdickoff.com
- July 24, 2009
- 500k Views
Starring Aziz Ansari, Catherine Chiarelli, Ellie Kemper, Brandon Johnson, Jenna Haze, Sean Mannion
Directed by Jason Woliner
Written by Aziz Ansari and Jason Woliner
Executive Producer: Judd Apatow
Produced by Lisa Yadavaia
Camera: Greg Cohen and Jason Cox
July 24, 2009
part of a documentary about a comedian named Randy, whose cameo in the
film “Funny People” is catapulting him to fame. LAUGH YOU DICK OFF
MEDIA PRESENTS RAAAAAAAANDY. There is a montage of short clips of Aziz
Ansari doing standup and people talking nice about him. The shot cuts
to this text: PART THREE RANDY’S TV PILOT. The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari.
Aziz Ansari: When you starting building buzz as a standup, the next
logical move is to go into TV and film. I’m taking matters into my own
hands and shooting my own TV pilot. And I’m giving you guys a sneak
peek. The shot cuts to this text: THIS FALL.
The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari on stage.
Aziz Ansari: Nothing. I’m just brushing my teeth and taking a shower at the same time.
The shot cuts to the following text: MEET GATES CARTER. The shot cuts back to Aziz Ansari on stage.
Aziz Ansari: But that’s not enough noise either, so you gotta run in
the kitchen. Next thing you know, you’re blending carrots, celery,
tomatoes. She’s like, “Gates, what are you doing in there?” Bitch, I’m
making you a smoothie.
A red dot like those from a laser sight appears on Aziz Ansari’s
forehead. He dives out of the way while the stage is riddled with
bullets. He comes up with a machine gun and return fire. The text –
DEADLY JOKES – appears. The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari walking in an
alley and talking on a cell phone.
Aziz Ansari: You don’t understand. Being a comedian is my cover. It allows me to travel from city to city.
The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari kicking open a door and bursting into a
room with gun drawn. The shot cuts back to Aziz Ansari in the alley.
Aziz Ansari: I track down rogue female operatives.
The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari sitting on a bed with Catherine Chiarelli.
Aziz Ansari (voiceover): Seduce them and take them out.
Catherine Chiarelli: Mmm, Gates, you were so funny tonight.
Aziz Ansari: Nadia, I can’t keep doing this. I’m not who you think I am.
Catherine Chiarelli: What are you talking about?
Aziz Ansari: I’m not a comedian. I’m a spy. I’ve been sent to kill you.
I know who you are, but I’ve fallen in love with you and I don’t want
to carry out my mission. I have a safehouse in Stockholm. We can go
there and hide, but you have to commit to being with me. Nadia, answe
me! There isn’t much time!
Catherine Chiarelli: I’m committed. I love you. I’ll go.
Aziz Ansari: Before we go, I’d like to make love to you one more time. Would that be ok?
Catherine Chiarelli: Of course.
Aziz Ansari: Ok. Let’s do it then.
Aziz Ansari injects Catherine Chiarelli with poison.
Aziz Ansari: I’m sorry Nadia. It would have never worked. There is no
safehouse in Stockholm. (on phone) She’s dead, ok. She’s dead!
Aziz Ansari weeps. The following text appears: USING COMEDY TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE. The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari.
Aziz Ansari: Comedy has allowed me to reach people in way that I neve
would have expected. Sometimes, it has the power to change lives. Fo
The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari talking to Ellie Kemper in a bar.
Aziz Ansari (voiceover): One time, I was talking to this girl after a
show. (non-voiceover) Yeah, I got a girl back in New York, but I gotta
do my thing. What do you do for a living?
Ellie Kemper: Actually, I do a lot of fundraising. Right now, I’m a doing a lot of stuff for Darfur.
Aziz Ansari: Dar fur? What the hell is that?
Ellie Kemper: Darfur. It’s a region in Africa. There’s a terrible genocide going on. Have you never heard of it?
Aziz Ansari: For real?
Ellie Kemper: I can’t tell if you’re joking right now.
Aziz Ansari: Hey Old Youngin, do you know about this Darfur situation.
The shot cuts to Brandon Johnson.
Brandon Johnson: It’s all bungled up over there man. Makes me want to smack somebody. (to his date) Not you sweetheart.
The shot cuts to Ellie Kemper asleep in bed and Aziz Ansari at the computer.
Aziz Ansari (voiceover): Later that night, after I fucked that girl, I
Googled the shit out of Darfur and what I read blew my mind.
The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari by himself.
Aziz Ansari: I knew I had to do something.
The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari on stage.
Aziz Ansari: Wonderbra? I’m wondering what happened to them tatties.
Now, I want to take just a minute to get serious with you guys. I know
we’ve been having a lot of fun talking about me getting my dick sucked
all the time and eating pussy all day. But, there are a lot of people
out there who aren’t getting their dicks sucked all the time or eating
pussy all day. I speak, of course, of the people who are suffering
through the genocide in Darfur and I’m just trying to educate people
about it as much as I can. If you can do me a small favor, whenever you
go home, and just log into my website.
www.laughyourdickoff.com/randycares/darfur On the website there’s news
articles, facts, things to get you educated about the crisis, if you’re
not familiar, but I’m just kidding you all. I don’t give a fuck about
Darfur! Who wants to hear the story about the time I fucked some
pancakes. Oh, Mr. Maple syrup, that’s my dick.
The shot cuts Aziz Ansari by himself.
Aziz Ansari: That stuff wasn’t very funny, so I had to bail. However,
from then on, I set up a Google news alert for the word tragedy and I
read the results every night before I go to bed.
The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari looking at his computer and being upset. The shot cuts back to Aziz Ansari by himself.
Aziz Ansari: Pretty heavy stuff.
The shot cuts to the following text: Randy’s Research. The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari by himself.
Aziz Ansari: I talk a lot about having sex in strange situations.
Sometimes they’re things that actually happened to me. Other times I
have to go out into the field and do my own research. For example, I
wanted to do a joke about eating pussy on a boat. So, I got a girl and
I rented a boat.
The shot cuts to Aziz Ansari and Jenna Haze standing on a dock, talking to a boat rental guy.
Aziz Ansari (voiceover): He was like, “It costs a hundred dollars an hour.”
The shot cuts back to Aziz Ansari by himself.
Aziz Ansari: I was like, “Hey man, to be honest, I’m not even taking
the boat out. I’m just eating some girl’s pussy out in there. Can you
give me a discount?”
The shot cuts back to the dock.
Aziz Ansari (voiceover): He was like, “No.”
Shot cuts to Aziz Ansari by himself.
Aziz Ansari: Nothing really funny happened but I did get to eat that girl’s pussy out on a boat.